I didn't expect to be using this image so soon, but...
Someone please point me towards the office I can visit to opt out of being an adult because apparently, I rather suck at it. :| Can I just run away and join some kind of circus or something? Is the 999 Eyes Authentic Freakshow looking for new performers or a new promo girl? Because I can make some damn good fliers.
I dunno. It feels like there's suddenly all this stuff I'm required to do to be a fully functioning adult, and I'm doing it, but it doesn't seem to be fast enough or good enough for everybody else. That, plus on top of getting told I need to wake up and be more responsible every other day... It's overwhelming my brain. (My parents seem to bicker more constantly lately, too, and it seems like it's usually about something I did or didn't do, how I am or am not. As stupid as this sounds, it leaves me feeling like they would bicker less if I were better at being an adult.) And I don't know how to interpret it any other way than "you're irresponsible and you don't listen ever", even if it's genuinely good advice I'm being given. It's to the point where I can't listen to "Planetary (GO!)" at the moment without feeling a little guilt. Am I just suffering some kind of martyr complex or what? And then there's the issue that my mood has been all over the fucking place. Like, even when I'm happiest, I feel like all it'll take it someone saying something mean and I'll flip into sulking/pissy/crying, but then there are other times where I am just bouncing off the ceiling and shit. What the fuck, Cris. What the fuck.
There's also the kick that I won't be performing in next month's confirmed shadow cast show. The venue we're performing in is a pool hall with a high stage that has no ramp. Since I have no cadre of strapping young attractive fellows, that means I'm out. I shouldn't be so bothered by this. I'm only in two and a half scenes total. And yet... And I have this increasingly sinking feeling that our time as a cast might be nearing its end. I hope not. I like being able to go out and I've enjoyed performing again, even if it's just in those small parts. I've always had small parts in theatre. I think the only time I didn't was during the fall revue sophomore year of high school. Other than that, all the good lead roles seem to require someone who can masterfully control their entire body.
I've been thinking about Black Swan (which I finally got to see yesterday) all day today. I think I see a good chunk of myself in Nina--except I am boatloads less batshit crazy than she is--and that...bothers me. It makes me feel like I haven't made any of the progress I thought I have. The movie's also triggered my love/lament over dance. I'm fascinated by it. I can't do it. Am I fascinated by it because I can't do it? That kind of thing. It may or may not help that I'm working on a story where dancing takes place.