In the rain again....
Stray
Vocals: Steve Conte
Lyrics: Tim Jenson
Music and Arrangement: Yoko Kanno
Stray! Stray!
In the cold breeze that I walk along
The memories of generations burn within me
Been forever since I cried the pain and sorrow
I live and die, proud of my people gaining
I'm here standing at the edge
Starin up at where the moon should be
Stray!
No regrets 'cause I got nothin to lose
Ever stray!
So I'm gonna live my life as I choose
Until I fall..
Stray! Stray!
Stray! Stray!
In the white freeze, I never spoke of tears
Or opened up to anyone including myself
I would like to find a way to open to you
Been awhile, don't know if I remember how to
I'm here waiting on the edge
Would I be alright showing myself to you?
It's always been so hard to do..
Stray!
No regrets 'cause I got nothin to lose
Ever stray!
So I'm gonna live my life as I choose
Until I fall...
Stray! Stray!
Stray! Stray!
Stray! Stray!
Is there a place left there for me
Somewhere that I belong
Or will I always live this way... ?
Always stray
No regrets 'cause I got nothin to lose
Ever stray!
So I'm gonna live my life as I choose
Cause all things fall
Stray! Stray!
Stray! Stray!
Stray! Stray!
Stray...
~Earth
I cried my eyes out after work and called Eric and said I didn't want to see him or go to Ohyiocon. He sounded like it was nothing and I hung up on him. I wanted him to come talk to me when he was done with his friends, call or come over...but of course he's not a mind reader and after I told him I NEVER want to be alone(a million of times)...he still left me there to my fake wish....I was so mad and upset, I couldn't even drive straight so I canceled my appointment with Snowy-chan that was planned for that day but then...
well... I ended up going shopping....and yes, out of depression...
I went to Target for some Christmas Shopping. Yes, Christmas Shopping....I got purple lights for $0.94. Some opal colored tessel with silver rings for $2.99. I figured it would reflect off the lights really well. Some wrapping paper for $1.99. Cards for .99, 75 bows for $0.34, and a small bow for my costume for $0.34. The best time to get Christmas stuff at Target is after Christmas. At least the lights and cards things. I learned this after working there one Holiday season...They have purple ordaments I want earlier but they were all gone. When I have a Christmas with my own tree, I want it purple and silver...and maybe blue...my grandmothers tree is always blue and green. ^_^
The total was $12.34...not bad...I got 3 things of lights...
by the way, DON'T GO SHOPPING TO GET OUT OF DEPRESSION!!! BAD!!!!
Next I went to Best Buy and bought the anime series Magic Knight Rayearth. Call it a bloody and twisted Sailor Moon. Awesome. I used my gift card of $25 and got it all for $45.00...I didn't feel like buying anything else after that...
On my way out I ran into Patrick, Eric's littlest brother...My hopes went a little high but then he was just with his other brothers...they were with a girl, I'm guessing Andy's unknown girlfriend...
I went to the exchange to buy a (some) video games, but as I looked at them...I thought...as I was depressed...I'll wait...since none of the games were the ones I wanted...and EB or GameStop was having a used sale of buy 2, get 1 free...and hey, I save $20-30 that way...but since I'm not going to see Eric, I thought I would save that for another day to keep me sane...
Soon I was hungry and Panera Broccoi soup was calling my name...So I went in and ate by my self. I got a call from Jen, who WAS in the area after running into Patrick and them. She wasn't with Eric...which made me mad because she said they never invite her and Eric was having a party with Klarn, Johnny, and Phil...but it didn't seem like him, so I didn't pursue...she was hopping to run into me but it was a little late so I just talked to her for a bit....
Jen was like me at the moment, My friend Ubbu and them would(do) forget to call me when they did things...most of the time though they were out of the blue. If I need them, all I have to do is ask...or do something...but once again...they don't come to me, so I am....
Well after that I was driving out and ran into Patrick and them as they JUST came out of Target...So I did what any girlfriend would do to her friends brothers...run them over. Sadly there was a crosswalk...it was fuuny, because they didn't reconize me at first but then they did and laughed with Andy, Eric's second youngest bro pretending to kick my car...and then I drove off....
I decided to go back to my appointment but about 2 hours late. I'm happy Snowy was glad to see me and things went happily from there for a while. She took measurements for my cloak (black with purple lining), We had chocolate chip mint ice cream, I got to make some Cd's and we played with stuff animals and her camera...forget it's name...but yeah, I'm going to get the pictures to post up here soon. We tried to use her camera/flim part but without much light, it was really, Really blurry...maybe I can change that today...So I went home and first cried to Kimiko about Eric and my so called life...since I was even more mad that it was 12am at night and he STILL didn't get a hold of me. I was sure he didn't care at all....period...So then I got the courage to CALL him myself...Brandon anwsered the phone and gave it to Eric who was sleeping and I talked to him....and well....yeah...I was still upset and mad as he went back to bed. He suggested to draw but HE HAS MY DRAWING BOOK!! (can't spell sketch...) So he just told me to find paper....
I woke up in my bed...
my crayons gone...
and my pictures gone!
They aren't in the trash and my crayons were on the table...what did I do with the pictures last night? And WHAT did I draw, since the paper was gone too...
So I concluded that I need help....so I reconsidering moving with my parents in IOWA beacuse I hate living by myself and no one is around to the point where I feel I am not alone...and my body is killing me literity wth cramps and my neck...and I still have a cough from the cats...and my head feels swollen...and yeah...I'm really considering going to the wack house...in other words...I'm being a coward and running away from my problems.
I've come to the conclusion I probably shouldn't even been dating since I can't even handle myself, let alone a boyfriend. I make a lousy girlfriend, giving mixed signals and messages...I try though....and Eric never seems to need me...so I feel useless...since it always seems that I need him more than he needs me which equals one balanced relationship...he should go see someone who is smarter, and prettier, let alone, not insane in the head...I'm special, but not in the way I thought so...more like in the retard department...I want Eric to like me, the way I like him...and he made me feel this month like I was least important. I understand that he has to see Phil, I understand he has exams, he has school, I understand he has family, he has friends...but I feel he left me behind. Like he jumped on a bus and didn't look back to see if I was there or not, like I matter to him...
But I look and see he's trying his best...but it looks like a pain instead of a want...a want to be with me, a want to have fun with me, a want to do things with me. I'm not supposed to be a pain...I'm not supposed to hurt him....I'm supposed to be a companion, a trusted friend, a lover, a defender.....I may not be doing my part...or he's lacking on his end majorly...losing intrest, or just doesn't care anymore....which means....it's comming to an end soon...all I ask is that he turns around when getting on that bus, to see if I'm there...so I can be a companion, a friend, a lover...his defender if something happens.
Which relationships are supposed to be equal, both ways. So I maybe giving the sign that our relationship is just work on my end, like he doesn't have to do anything. Which is nice if a relationship does that but it's not about love most of the time then...and creates boredom which creates...affairs....cheating....divorce....
I SHOULD have told him I wanted him to call.
I SHOULD have told him I wanted him to see me.
I SHOULD have told him I am upset.
I SHOULD have told him I wanted his attention as soon as possible.
I SHOULD have told him I am lonely.
I SHOULD have told him I need him.
But I didn't...I under estiemated his girl language skills and the many times he came to me when I didn't want him. I thought, expected he knew my language by now, how I worked/ticked. Some how...he either forgot OR he didn't see it as a priority...or a concern...
that scares me...I know it's not just in my head now. Most of it yes...the reason I was angrey in the first place was just jealousy and attantion but now....
but then Eric probably thought to let me cool off...but he should now by now...I only cool off with another since I've been alone a lot and it just makes me upset more...I don't cool off very well, not when I have to be by myself. Then I start to think about being forgotten and wow...I really know me in that department....
So the question I have is...am I back to square one with him? Or is it time I have to let go....AND WHY DID I HAVE TO GET THIS WAY AFTER CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!! RAWRRRRRRR!!!!!!
But mostly I'm at that time of month, and I don't have the prozac anymore or a emotion depresser, so I'm still copeing with moods and attitudes...which with no one to help me is so stressful!!
OR am I depending on him too much...I thought about that a lot too lately...I'm trying to do things without him...I am...but he's addictive, and things turn out so much better when he's around, I'm happier when he's around, I'm satisfied when he's around and I have courage with him to do anything!...but maybe it's too much for him, and even though I want to do everything with him, I should back off and do it myself....?
But I want what my grandmother W had! She did everything with her husband and they enjoyed do them together...so maybe he's not the one for me...BUT I want him too be! I want to NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN!!! My goal in life is to get someone who wants to be with me always. Of course they are guarrenteed friend and alone time but ME!! ME!!! I want them to be happy with ME!! LOVE AND ADORE ME!!!....now I'm just being selfish *lol* .
With other events that happened this year...I'm losing faith in him....and I'm left in the storming rain as that bus leaves me. I don't know if he's on it or if he's behind me...I want him to be behind me. I want to turn around as it is down pouring and see his smile, his beautiful smile that always gave me the strength to continue...to go against the odds and finish my story...and together we would find another way home...instead of on that bus...
I can only think that I'm not everything he wanted. I'm sure of it actually. I'm not healthy, I'm not a chatter box, I 'm not strong in anything other than Art, I can't spell, My english sucks, I'm not knowledge-able or smart...but what brought him to me in the first place?
After looking up some things, we would have met no matter what happened. I know he's my destiny, I don't know for how long, but I hope it's for teh rest of my life...but I'm going to keep it, treasure it, as long as I can! I'll get stronger!
I know what I am...I beleive...
I am a lover!
I am a creater!
I am an artist!
I am a female!
I am a video gamer!
I am an adventurer!
I am a peacemaker!
I am a defender!
I am strong when no one else will!
I am a sister and best friend to all I meet!
I beleive in fate, destiny!
I believe in love, the whole deal!
I believe in hope!
I believe in some greater power up there!
I KNOW WHAT I WANT!
And out of all of that...I am still...thinking, wondering, and exploring....that's life for me...I'll solve this one way or another. I don't blame Eric for anything....I'm using my heart, not my eyes....Let this test continue because I'll beat it...for him and for me. Mostly for me...and because...
I WANT too...I NEED too!....to reach my goal...my life! To not be alone, and be happy....
That bus is leaving me as it continues to rain....where are you Eric?!
~Ja ne....