damned watermelon
Wow, internet connection. Fuckin' trippy. I'm going to take this rare opportunity of a miracle to pour my heart out for a bit. Oh yeah, before that... hallelujah, praise the Lord.
So, the doctor's note came in, and I've been officially diagnosed with SILLY -- Severe Inability to Learn Lessons Youshouldvealreadylearnedforthefiftiethtime. I don't know what else to say. I've been trying something new; instead of keeping things in and only voicing my thoughts on this stupid journal I've begun to actively communicate to you... or try to. Maybe it's the way you've been to me that's lifted a lot of the fear I had towards you, or maybe I'm finally beginning to think of myself as a legitimate part of your life. And in the last couple of weeks -- yes, it's only been a couple of weeks -- I'm again forced to face something I keep trying so hard to deny.
All my defenses are useless. They're a wall made of dried up tissue paper stuck together with snot, and they crumble before you no matter how hard I try to stay strong and keep them up. To keep you out. And even if I hate to my guts this feeling of helplessness, I have to admit that I do trust you, and I do believe you. I wish I weren't so goddamn gullible, but fuck it. I've fallen again.
I do believe it's true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
I can't say that I won't be surprised if you wake up one morning and decide that you were wrong again, but that's only because I lack the faith in myself to be worth your while. I'm placing my trust in your hands again because I have confidence in your character. And you know what? I didn't even realize that I believed in a future with you in it until you took that away and I found myself panicking, refusing to recognize this vulnerability and unable to reconcile with the fact that besides being only happy for you I also selfishly, unreasonably felt that you're going back on your words, and you'll eventually go back on everything you've said to me of late.
But I am happy for you. It's been more than apparent over the course of time that you getting what you want, you deriving gratification, justification, or satisfaction from and for your passions is a major source of my comfort. Do you even know how it makes me smile to see you excited and passionate and happy? I think, ultimately, that's more important than a lot of other, pettier things that I want. And I know that because so many things that I'm not willing to do for myself, I wouldn't hesitate to do for you.
So brown eyes I hold you near
'Cause you're the only song I want to hear
Since the first time I came in contact with you in a... substantial manner, at least on my side, I've always felt a sort of connection with you, this urgency that's so immediate and so personal and so much larger than myself. You I've always believed in and looked up to in one way or another, and some might say blindly or stubbornly; you've come a long way on this maturity thing since then, though, and I find myself looking up to you more and more each day. I can turn to all my friends that's called me crazy or stupid and tell them that I wasn't wrong about you.
So Marsha Linehan doesn't know what she's talking about -- it is possible to take away my breath, because you do it all the time. And according to those crazy-people leaders I'm gonna have to make another click on my "judgmental counter" , because you're absolutely amazing, and words just kind of fail here 'cause no matter how I juxtapose vocabularies it's gonna come out weak and lame.
Even if I use watermelon.
So maybe this'll work.
ba la ba la ba ba, ba la ba ba ba la ba ba, ba la ba ba ba la ba ba la ba la ba
So, the doctor's note came in, and I've been officially diagnosed with SILLY -- Severe Inability to Learn Lessons Youshouldvealreadylearnedforthefiftiethtime. I don't know what else to say. I've been trying something new; instead of keeping things in and only voicing my thoughts on this stupid journal I've begun to actively communicate to you... or try to. Maybe it's the way you've been to me that's lifted a lot of the fear I had towards you, or maybe I'm finally beginning to think of myself as a legitimate part of your life. And in the last couple of weeks -- yes, it's only been a couple of weeks -- I'm again forced to face something I keep trying so hard to deny.
All my defenses are useless. They're a wall made of dried up tissue paper stuck together with snot, and they crumble before you no matter how hard I try to stay strong and keep them up. To keep you out. And even if I hate to my guts this feeling of helplessness, I have to admit that I do trust you, and I do believe you. I wish I weren't so goddamn gullible, but fuck it. I've fallen again.
I do believe it's true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
I can't say that I won't be surprised if you wake up one morning and decide that you were wrong again, but that's only because I lack the faith in myself to be worth your while. I'm placing my trust in your hands again because I have confidence in your character. And you know what? I didn't even realize that I believed in a future with you in it until you took that away and I found myself panicking, refusing to recognize this vulnerability and unable to reconcile with the fact that besides being only happy for you I also selfishly, unreasonably felt that you're going back on your words, and you'll eventually go back on everything you've said to me of late.
But I am happy for you. It's been more than apparent over the course of time that you getting what you want, you deriving gratification, justification, or satisfaction from and for your passions is a major source of my comfort. Do you even know how it makes me smile to see you excited and passionate and happy? I think, ultimately, that's more important than a lot of other, pettier things that I want. And I know that because so many things that I'm not willing to do for myself, I wouldn't hesitate to do for you.
So brown eyes I hold you near
'Cause you're the only song I want to hear
Since the first time I came in contact with you in a... substantial manner, at least on my side, I've always felt a sort of connection with you, this urgency that's so immediate and so personal and so much larger than myself. You I've always believed in and looked up to in one way or another, and some might say blindly or stubbornly; you've come a long way on this maturity thing since then, though, and I find myself looking up to you more and more each day. I can turn to all my friends that's called me crazy or stupid and tell them that I wasn't wrong about you.
So Marsha Linehan doesn't know what she's talking about -- it is possible to take away my breath, because you do it all the time. And according to those crazy-people leaders I'm gonna have to make another click on my "judgmental counter" , because you're absolutely amazing, and words just kind of fail here 'cause no matter how I juxtapose vocabularies it's gonna come out weak and lame.
Even if I use watermelon.
So maybe this'll work.
ba la ba la ba ba, ba la ba ba ba la ba ba, ba la ba ba ba la ba ba la ba la ba