On the bipolar in me
Here's my profound self-generated dilemma of the week:
I have a tendency to combine total control-freak planning with
relax-and-breathe-deeply spontaneous qualities, and they don't really
mesh. First, I have to plan much of my week, because if I don't things
will fall apart or certain things won't be ready when I want them, and
I don't handle that well. For instance, if there's no healthy,
satisfying food around when I'm really hungry and tired, I'll get kind
of crazy and will eat anything that sounds good at the moment, which
is usually something fatty and starchy. These are the moments when
I'll pass a place like El Pollo Loco and the posters in the window
just look like the best thing ever. Gross. So I have to plan to make
sure I don't lose my way in moments like these. For three weeks I did
the most wonderful weekly meal planning: I planned meals on Sunday
mornings, then spent the midday doing grocery shopping at the farmers'
market, Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, and the Thai and Japanese markets.
In the afternoons after a pick-up lunch, I washed, chopped, prepped,
and cooked as much as possible. During the rest of the week I cooked a
little and combined new dishes with leftovers to eat incredibly well
with very little work. This system functioned beautifully until two
weekends ago, when I found myself drained, frustrated, and abnormally
sensitive, and crying to Erik that "I just don't want to have to PLAN
anymore!"
Which brings us to: second, I can't plan everything, because when I
do, I go crazy and feel trapped and it's just not sustainable. I need
to have space to breathe and enjoy the moment, and my happiest times
during the week are when I can do that. On Thursdays (my day off), I
can just wake up and go to yoga and then float through the rest of the
day having tea and snackies with Margaret and watching movies with
Jason. If Margaret and I feel like randomly going to Terroni (my new
favorite restaurant) for dinner, we do that. Or on Saturdays, Erik
picks me up from Pilates after he's done with yoga, and if we feel
like buying gourmet cat food for Tisha ("steak frites" flavor, which
he loved) and then having lunch at Terroni (told you it was my new
favorite restaurant), we do that too. I live for moments like these,
and I feel like planning makes them possible. If I keep on top of
cleaning the apartment, doing laundry, and doing dishes, I can give up
a whole Thursday to enjoyment, and I'm carefree knowing I'm not
screwed for tomorrow just because I had fun today. Or if I have yummy
food ready in the fridge, I know I can eat anytime I want, and I don't
have to spend an evening trying to figure out what to eat for dinner.
So the planning makes the spontaneity possible, and the relaxing
moments balance out the craziness of planning.
But it all relies on finding a balance these two tendencies, and so
far, I'm not sure I'm doing that. Things will work for two or three
weeks, but then I'll find myself tensing up again and coming out with
these bursts of frustration that I didn't even know I felt. This is
what happened that previous weekend, and this is also what happened
today, when I had finished three loads of laundry and was folding the
towels and I just started wringing my hands over how I hate Tuesdays
so much. Whatever I'm doing, it's not sustainable, and as far as I'm
concerned, that defeats the whole purpose. I want to live my life in a
way that's well-planned and yet joyful, spontaneous and yet carefully
provided for, and I need to be able to do that for months or years at
a time, not just a few weeks.
Of course some people would consider that I'm completely OCD already,
just from the grocery-planning routine I described above. Perhaps it's
true, but I'm a good organizer and planner, and to some degree, I
actually enjoy that kind of insane scheduling. I do find a freedom in
it, paradoxical as that may sound. But like I said, this is
counterbalanced by my need to relax. I suppose there are also people
who would think I have way too much free time as it is (to that I say:
hah! Tell that to my freaked-out laundry-doing self this morning!),
but whether through my own years-long-developed habits or my natural
tendencies, I really do need that down time. I've fought against it
and tried to convince myself I'm just being lazy/indulgent/whatever,
but experience has shown me that I just lose it when I don't relax
enough.
I'm not sure what to do to find a better balance. One idea I had today
was to write down everything I do in a week, or everything that saps
my time and energy (since I don't have to actually be doing something
to be spending a lot of frustrating mental energy on it!), and look at
that list and see what kind of perspective that gives me. So I think
I'll try that. In the meantime, though, I'd appreciate any
suggestions.
I have a tendency to combine total control-freak planning with
relax-and-breathe-deeply spontaneous qualities, and they don't really
mesh. First, I have to plan much of my week, because if I don't things
will fall apart or certain things won't be ready when I want them, and
I don't handle that well. For instance, if there's no healthy,
satisfying food around when I'm really hungry and tired, I'll get kind
of crazy and will eat anything that sounds good at the moment, which
is usually something fatty and starchy. These are the moments when
I'll pass a place like El Pollo Loco and the posters in the window
just look like the best thing ever. Gross. So I have to plan to make
sure I don't lose my way in moments like these. For three weeks I did
the most wonderful weekly meal planning: I planned meals on Sunday
mornings, then spent the midday doing grocery shopping at the farmers'
market, Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, and the Thai and Japanese markets.
In the afternoons after a pick-up lunch, I washed, chopped, prepped,
and cooked as much as possible. During the rest of the week I cooked a
little and combined new dishes with leftovers to eat incredibly well
with very little work. This system functioned beautifully until two
weekends ago, when I found myself drained, frustrated, and abnormally
sensitive, and crying to Erik that "I just don't want to have to PLAN
anymore!"
Which brings us to: second, I can't plan everything, because when I
do, I go crazy and feel trapped and it's just not sustainable. I need
to have space to breathe and enjoy the moment, and my happiest times
during the week are when I can do that. On Thursdays (my day off), I
can just wake up and go to yoga and then float through the rest of the
day having tea and snackies with Margaret and watching movies with
Jason. If Margaret and I feel like randomly going to Terroni (my new
favorite restaurant) for dinner, we do that. Or on Saturdays, Erik
picks me up from Pilates after he's done with yoga, and if we feel
like buying gourmet cat food for Tisha ("steak frites" flavor, which
he loved) and then having lunch at Terroni (told you it was my new
favorite restaurant), we do that too. I live for moments like these,
and I feel like planning makes them possible. If I keep on top of
cleaning the apartment, doing laundry, and doing dishes, I can give up
a whole Thursday to enjoyment, and I'm carefree knowing I'm not
screwed for tomorrow just because I had fun today. Or if I have yummy
food ready in the fridge, I know I can eat anytime I want, and I don't
have to spend an evening trying to figure out what to eat for dinner.
So the planning makes the spontaneity possible, and the relaxing
moments balance out the craziness of planning.
But it all relies on finding a balance these two tendencies, and so
far, I'm not sure I'm doing that. Things will work for two or three
weeks, but then I'll find myself tensing up again and coming out with
these bursts of frustration that I didn't even know I felt. This is
what happened that previous weekend, and this is also what happened
today, when I had finished three loads of laundry and was folding the
towels and I just started wringing my hands over how I hate Tuesdays
so much. Whatever I'm doing, it's not sustainable, and as far as I'm
concerned, that defeats the whole purpose. I want to live my life in a
way that's well-planned and yet joyful, spontaneous and yet carefully
provided for, and I need to be able to do that for months or years at
a time, not just a few weeks.
Of course some people would consider that I'm completely OCD already,
just from the grocery-planning routine I described above. Perhaps it's
true, but I'm a good organizer and planner, and to some degree, I
actually enjoy that kind of insane scheduling. I do find a freedom in
it, paradoxical as that may sound. But like I said, this is
counterbalanced by my need to relax. I suppose there are also people
who would think I have way too much free time as it is (to that I say:
hah! Tell that to my freaked-out laundry-doing self this morning!),
but whether through my own years-long-developed habits or my natural
tendencies, I really do need that down time. I've fought against it
and tried to convince myself I'm just being lazy/indulgent/whatever,
but experience has shown me that I just lose it when I don't relax
enough.
I'm not sure what to do to find a better balance. One idea I had today
was to write down everything I do in a week, or everything that saps
my time and energy (since I don't have to actually be doing something
to be spending a lot of frustrating mental energy on it!), and look at
that list and see what kind of perspective that gives me. So I think
I'll try that. In the meantime, though, I'd appreciate any
suggestions.