Unh. =____= Do-douzo....
*revives herself* I MAAADEE ITT!!! IT STILL BE FRIDAY!!! BANZAI!!! \(=O=)/ Gnh. I think... my brain already cracked open yet nothing good came out of it. D: Lau-channnn... gomen!! The other one will just have to be finished and posted sometime on Sunday.
Anyway, I bring you the first one. At least I managed to finish this. The other one just refuses to be finished. GNH. *engages in a fight with the other fic* I hate this. I should be stoned. XD
Hmm... more or less... here it is. Douzo.
Title: Silence
Pairing: G-U-E-S-S. :D Yep, they’re all MatsuJun centred because... well, he’s HOT... so hot that he should be blamed for Global Warming.
Rating: Umm... S for sparkles? XD Oh. There’s a bed by the way. Yes, there certainly IS :3
Notes: Unh... consider this as an epilogue for ‘Chocolates’ OKAY? :D Do you know how hard it is NOT to babble? O_O But, I’m pretty sure it came out that way anyway. XD
Sho looked over his right hand and sighed. With all the news work, rehearsals, photo shoots and various show tapings pilling up, he felt really useless with his broken thumb. It has already been two days since the accident yet the others seem to treat him as if he just got back from some life-threatening condition.
It was just his hand for goodness sake! Nino had been gushing around him like a confused mother hen, scolding him every time he tried to ease the boredom from his now ‘no-holding-stuff-with-your-hands-or-I’ll-knock-some-sense-out-of-you-the-hard-way’ life while Ohno scuttled around after his other half, trying to ease the other man down and adding some threats of his own in between. Aiba was being...well, Aiba. He scurried around the two trying to make Sho comfortable by pushing him down to the couch that he had named ‘George’ and trying to offer him stuff from a bath to chewing his food for him (‘I broke my hand, not became toothless!’ he shouted as he shrunk away from the bouncing ball of energy that was Aiba). Sho was grateful for his band mates and knew they meant well, but all he wants is to be left ALONE. Don’t they have... like, a life or something?? Still, as he watched them scuttle around the room trying their best to make him feel comfortable, there was this feeling of something missing that he just couldn’t put his finger on. As his eyes skimmed over the disaster zone that was their dressing room, his eyes fell upon Jun who was sitting comfortably at the couch near the glass windows.
He was embarrassed to say the least, that he had finally pinpointed what that feeling was. He knew he sounded like a spoilt brat but... Why isn’t Jun trying to help him out? Why isn’t he trying to help him like crazy like the others are doing? Sho sighed again. He seemed to be doing that a lot these days as he cringe a little at the approaching form of Aiba holding out a bowl of green frothing, bubbling soup in one hand and a large spoon at the other.
“Open up, Sho-chaaan!” Aiba said as he plucked a large amount of the eerie looking liquid near Sho’s closed mouth. He shoved Sho over to ‘George’s cushioned form and had pinned him down as Sho started to struggle against the effort of Aiba and his scary little bubbling ‘soup-of-horrors’.
“Come on Sho-chan! It’s good for you! You should eat all of it! You need your nourishment!!” Aiba said happily, still trying to wrestle the other man into submission as Sho tried to scuttle away from the walking disaster that was Aiba (and of course the scary looking concoction that was being forced to his mouth). As a string of protests left his lips, Nino practically gravitated to his other side with, of course, Ohno in tow.
“Shooo-chan! Eat it. OR ELSE.” Nino demanded bags under his eyes visible from all the worry over Sho’s conditions for the past two days. It was Nino who spent half the night with him in the hospital, refusing to leave until Sho was ready to leave himself even the doctors assured him that Sho was then totally fine (earning them a biting remark from the slight man). Ohno pushed his face into the crowd and added “I got that from the cafeteria lady today! She said it was the special so eat up Sho-kun!”
Sho sighed. He gave them a weak smile and finally accepted Aiba’s scary-looking liquid into his mouth, gagging a little as Aiba had shoved it more forcefully than intended which earned him a cuff at the back of the head from Nino; strangely enough, the soup DID make him feel better. As the others debated who get to help Sho home today, he wiped a hand at his mouth as he snuck a glance at the other man at the other side of the room. He noted that Jun was still there, oblivious to their little argument over who gets to carry Sho’s bag today (‘Oh god, I feel like a hopeless little girl!’ Sho groaned) when their manager announced that work was finished for today.
Sho finally looked away, Nino, Aiba and Ohno’s voices drowned out by his thoughts.
‘Why can’t he try to take care of me like them??’ his mind asked furiously as he tried to hide his shaking hands by shoving his stuff back into his bag. ‘Maybe if it was one of them, he’ll be all over the guys like the rest was all over me. Doesn’t he care?!’ he thought bitterly but then frowned and bit his lip, ‘That’s right, why would he want to care anyway... it’s not like...’ He sighed again as he masked on a small smile and excused himself to the restroom for a while after the three still arguing guys.
As Sho left the room, Jun looked up from his book and closed it with a sigh.
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As Sho stepped out of the restroom and he noticed that everything seemed to be silent- too silent. He opened the room to their dressing room to find it empty. His mouth stood agape as he silently cursed at the guys for leaving him.
“I told them to go home already. Nino hasn’t gotten any sleep for the past 57 hours and Ohno and Aiba are still a bundle of nerves from both the concert and the accident” a voice cut smoothly at the silence and he noticed that it was only him and Jun who was left there. In one hand, Jun held his own bag and in the other was Sho’s. “I told them I’ll be the one who’ll bring you home today”
Sho could only nod dumbly as he followed Jun out of the room like some lost puppy and onto the busy streets of downtown Tokyo. After the commute, Sho was already shaking with both the prospect of spending an entire afternoon at home, alone with Jun and the cold night air.
Sho shook a little as the younger man took off his coat to hang at the coat rack by the door while doing the same to his. The contact between Jun’s warm hands were in contrast with his- still cold from their walk, sent an odd emotion through him that he couldn’t quite place that made him totally zone out as Jun took of his shoes and proceeded to the kitchen to fix their dinner. ‘When’s the last time Jun and him were alone?’ his mind reeled with questions like this. Everything seemed to be so blurry yet so vivid at the same time. Sho finally shook out of his stupor only to watch Jun work his magic in his kitchen.
Sho’s mind was reeling with questions and thoughts of what he wanted to say to him. This was his chance! He finally has him to himself! All the lost time, all those words he wanted to say for so long...
Before Sho even had the courage open his mouth Jun, who was now rummaging in his cupboards, suddenly spoke up.
“I’m worried about everybody. Everyone’s been so stressed lately. Plus, with your accident before the concert I...” he trailed off, his back still turned away from him. It was then that Sho understood. He looked down for a moment and then pushed himself up from his seat at the dinner table.
“I- I don’t feel so good MatsuJun. I...I think I’ll go and take a nap for a while. Can I leave you here for a while?” Sho cursed himself mentally for stuttering like that in front of Jun. He watched as Jun just nodded from his spot by the stove, a light ‘okay’ casually thrown over his shoulder.
Sho stood up and left, entering his room, he looked down his plush carpeted floor. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath trying (but loosing) to push down the feeling of disappointment and hurt at Jun’s words. Of course, why else would he be worried about him? What else does he consider him apart from a band mate and, at most, a friend? He had lost everything and anything that they could ever be that moment he told that lie of his. He sighed and slipped off his slippers and crawled dejectedly under the covers like some kicked cat. He snuggled to the pillows and closed his eyes; it was only minutes after sleep finally claimed him.
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He eyes shot open as a sudden shock of pain started to spread throughout his right hand. A small whimper escaped his lips as he shifted on the bed to try and ease the sting of his hand but even before he could reach it a hand was already there, stroking with soft gentle fingers. Sho looked up to see MatsuJun, sitting comfortably at his side calmly easing the pain from his fractured hand.
“Ju-“
“You really should make another appointment with the doctor. Is he sure that all those pain killers are actually working?” he asked while looking straight into his eyes. How did he know that he’s been having more and more attacks this last two days?
“How did you- I mean...” he started but then stopped.
“You twitched a lot when you were sleeping” he answered simply.
“Oh” was the smartest answer he could think of. He turned away to try and hide the blush that came up to his face when he realized that Jun was still holding his hand. A minute of silence came between them and MatsuJun finally started to stand up.
“No, wait!” Sho called out, his bad hand reaching out in attempt to hold him back there by his side. Jun turned around, a look of surprise apparent on his face. He paused to look at Sho whose hand was still hanging there in mid-air.
“I-I...” he stuttered embarrassedly, he didn’t mean it! He didn’t mean to sound like such a girl. He looked down, his hand folding back and a blush creeping to his cheeks. “I- umm.. stay?”He asked embarrassedly to the silence, more than to the other man. “Bu- but, if you really have to go home then...” he trailed off. Damn it, he was really starting to sound like a girl!
Sho slowly turned around and curled back up to safety of his covers. The feeling of dejection still loomed in his thoughts as he waited for the sound of the bedroom and front door to close behind the only person who could ever make his heart race.
Except... no such things were heard. Nothing but the soft padding of footsteps at his carpet; the slow rustling of sheets behind him and the gentle creaking of the mattress as a weight settled near his back. Sho was confused to what was happening. ‘What was Jun doing?’ and ‘Isn’t he going to leave?’ went over and over his mind as if it was like some broken record playing over and over.
“You know, I wasn’t intent on leaving, actually” Jun told him softly in a voice that he didn’t usually use and as if he had just read his thoughts. “I was just going to check on the pasta sauce on the stove”
Sho was grateful that he was facing the other side when he said this, a furious blush of embarrassment creeping up to his cheeks. Ah, he really should stop hanging out with Aiba, it’s really starting to take its toll on him. Of course, going out doesn’t really necessary mean that Jun was going to leave already, right?
As his thoughts jumbled around the already confused clutter of his mind, he froze as a hand crept up and settled a comforting weight on his right hand that was on his side. He wanted to fight the urge to turn around and look but this Jun- self-control wasn’t really existent when it’s him you’re talking about. He turned around to find dark brown hues looking back at his own slightly darker ones and he can’t help but stare at their depths.
He was staring at him so much that he didn’t see the way Jun’s hands went up in an aborted motion of touching his cheek. Jun gave him a small smile and whispered to him a ‘go back to sleep’ and was about to stand up again when Sho caught his hand.
“Jun I- I want you to stay. Please” he wanted to demand, but it only came out as a pleading voice from his mouth.
Jun nodded and got back down by his side. He looked around the room and spotted Sho’s new movie script by the bedside table and casually flipped through it. Sho was silently cursing at himself at failing so bad to keep up a conversation between them. He wished that it would just be like the old times when the silence was still comfortable- now it was as if that silence was a void between them. Some endless, black void that had always hung idly between them.
“I-” he started, his voice shaking a bit as he took a deep breath to start a conversation.
“Hmm?” Jun asked absentmindedly, smiling a little as the words ‘Yatta!’ were highlighted on every part, and a scribble, which he could bet his life on that was Sho’s, scrawled a full paragraph on how weird he find this catchphrase to be complete with a tiny drawing of one of his infamous spiral suns at a corner.
“I- uh.... nice... um... weather today.. uhh... right?”
Jun tore his eyes away from Sho’s childish scribbles and drawings on his script to face the other man directly. He raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow at him.
“What?”
“I just mean that- ummm... that is...” Sho stuttered bowing his head dejectedly before the other man. After a minute’s silence between the two, Jun replaced the script back at the night stand and got off the bed. His hand was already at the door knob when Sho’s voice called out to him.
“I just... wanted it to be like... before...” Sho watched as the youngest member of Arashi freeze in his tracks, his shoulders tensing as his hand settled on the knob before him.
“...before I... I did that...” he added softly, his voice not more than a whisper. He watched in silence as the figure in front of him made neither sound nor any movement to acknowledge his words. He was just... standing there.
At last after a few seconds that seemed to stretch into hours between them, Jun spoke.
“Isn’t this what you wanted?” his voice was quiet when he said those words but it felt as if he had just shouted at him. He didn’t understand... what did he mean by ‘something he wanted’?
“I don’t under-”
“That time. Those years back ago. When you said... said those words”
“Bu that’s...I want to tell you something. I-”
But Jun would have none of it. He opened the door and slammed it shut behind him.
Sho was left there to stare at the closed door in front of him. Jun. He. He was going. He was going to leave. He’s probably grabbing his bag right now... putting on his left shoe... the right shoe...he would be standing up.... griping the doorknob and turning it...he was leaving... walking away...and he was just there- letting him.
Sho shot up so suddenly that even he didn’t know where he got the sudden the sudden energy to run his room and front door and grabbed Jun’s hand.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
CONTINUATION:
“Wait” he uttered at his back, as the other man still refused to look at him. Sho could feel his heart beating a hole through his chest. Silence crept all throughout the room as his left hand tightened around Jun’s hand.
“Jun, I-”
“What more could you ask of me?” his voice quietly asked.
“Wha- what?” Sho stuttered in reply. His hands beginning to loosen its hold on the other’s arm as the question echoed in his mind. He tugged softly at Jun, trying vainly to make the other man look at him. He succeeded in making him turn around yet the other still refused to look at him in the eye.
“Ju-”
“Isn’t this what you wanted? That we stay like this?” he said, making the other man shiver at the coldness that was apparent in his voice, “It isn’t exactly easy you know”.
“You wanted me to be like this, right? What more could you ask of me?” he repeated, slowly hooking up his eyes to Sho’s. There, he saw all the emotions that he would have given everything not to see. Pain, hurt, confusion mingling with anger and tears- it was enough to break his heart into pieces.
“What more could you ask of me?” Jun repeated the third time, his voice cracking at the end.
Sho could feel his fingers grow numb through its now loose hold on Jun’s hand, slowly letting go of the other who had now taken into staring deeply back at him. His words continued to echo through his head. Had he hurt him enough to push him to this? He looked away; he couldn’t bear to keep on staring at those sad eyes.
Silence again enveloped the two. Only the distant sound of the neighbour’s loud TV blaring out the evening news was heard in the background.
Jun let his gaze fall back down and stared at the plush carpeting instead. His eyes clouded with tears that had traitorously welled up at the side of his eyes. He wanted to forget. All this time, he wanted nothing more than to forget the words, those feelings... the light touches of hands, the soft brushes of shoulders as they bumped together in practice- he had wanted to take it out of his system like some bad virus of some kind. All these years, he wanted nothing more but to stop and forget, yet... yet some part of him still wanted to hold on, still wanted to hope for something more.
The words that he had just uttered fell to his ears and made his heart break into a million pieces. He looked up at the Keio student in front of him- the one that he had idolized for so long. He searched his face for something; something that he had seen whenever he saw those shy meaningful glances when they were together. For them, everything depended on silence. It was when both felt secured, just sitting there, their backs to each other- no words were spoken but there was something that was internally spoke in the air between them.
He was about to walk away; tell himself that this was a moment he should forever burry at the back of his mind-never to be heard of or thought of again, when Sho finally turned to face him. The silence in the room where the five of them shared grew even quieter if that was even possible. With Sho’s words, he knew that he had to let go... there was no other way... but looking up at his face...
He continued to look at him, searching for anything that may make the other’s intentions clearer. He had already asked him to go. And now... now he was asking him to stay. Was there no clear answer from this man?! He took a deep breath and clasped his bag in his hand tighter. He kept his face turned to the front door of Sho’s apartment when he felt a more demanding hand clutch him tighter.
“No. Wait Jun... I...” he started, his grip not faltering but his voice growing to a whisper instead.
Sho didn’t know what to do. How to change what he had done. He didn’t think that staying there, holding his hand, would erase the memory of those words, to take back the hurt, the pain and the lost time. If only he hadn’t put his pride before his feelings... maybe, they wouldn’t be here like this.
Awkward silence continued to stretch between them as the room started to darken, the lights from a nearby streetlamp illuminating the room with its soft glow. Still motionless by the doorway, Jun stood there his back turned from the other man while Sho’s hand kept him from walking out the door. Sho clasped his hand tighter around his pale wrists. His mind screamed at him. It shouted words- words that urged him to talk to Jun, beg him to stay, tell him the truth... anything! Tell him anything... just... just make him stay...anything to keep him right there by his side.
Sho knew he should say something but his mouth refused to form any words... even if it did, he still didn’t know what to say, so instead, he stepped closer to him and wrapped his arms around his waist slowly, still unsure if the other would push him away. Somehow, he felt the awkwardness slowly ease away into something more familiar. Something that they hadn’t experience for years between them. Jun felt Sho’s arms snake tighter around his waist and jumped a little at the contact. After a while Jun relaxed and Sho took this as a permission to become bolder in his actions. He snuggled closer and buried his face by his shoulders. He knew that at times like these, words should be in order...that explanations were needed.
“Jun, I-”
“Urusei...” he mumbled softly, running his hands at Sho’s arms by his waist.
Sho smiled, he buried his face deeper unto Jun’s shoulder, earning a smile from the other man as well.
“Urusei.”
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“Shoooo-chaaan!!! Are you better today? Didja get... enough sleep?” a taunting voice called from inside the dressing room where Sho, closely followed by Jun, entered. Aiba, Nino and Ohno were all there, sitting by the big plush couch- Nino with his Nintendo DS in hand, Ohno busy staring off into space, his back warm and flush at Nino’s side while Aiba sat upside down on the couch, reading some Manga that he had gone and ‘borrowed’ from Nino’s hidden stash.
Sho blushed and started sprouting out string of words such as ‘No-we-did-no-such-thing!’ and ‘I-don’t-know-what-you’re-talking-about-Nino!’ as the otaku gamer chortled with uncontained bouts of laughter. Really, a day of sleep did wonders for the slighter boy as his normal bratty attitude started rearing its ugly head again. Aiba hopped right side up and bounced over to him and started asking if he wanted some o f that special soup from the JE kitchen’s again or if he wanted him to share and chew some karaage for him (‘For the last time Aiba! I SAID I AM NOT TOOTHLESS!!’ Sho shouted) as Ohno smiled up at him lazily, burrowing contently into Nino’s embrace. As Sho started to deflect any of Aiba’s so-called ‘help’ he can’t help but look over to the other couch where Jun had comfortably situated himself after stepping into the room.
Sho stared at him as he looked up from then book he had just opened. He smiled at the younger man as the memories of last night’s embrace surfaced into his mind. Instead of giving any attention to him, Jun sighed and went back to his book. To anyone but Sho and the rest of Arashi, it would’ve looked like he didn’t care but they knew...no, HE knew better and he smiled. As he continued to stare at him, a small smile of his own crept to Jun’s face as he flipped to the next page of his book.
Yes, sometimes, silences like these were enough.
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EDIT: Ugh. To be continued. PLEASE DON’T HIT ME. *ducks nonetheless* T___T Sleeeeep. WHY IS IT THAT MY WEEKEND DOESN’T FEEL LIKE A WEEKEND IN ANY WAY? *weeps at a corner* I’m sorry... I still haven’t updated. *cries a river of tears*TT____TT OMG... there are classes tomorrow and I am still awake... =____= Wah. At least I have that hot image of Nino pinning Ohno to a wall to help me get through the day tomorrow *smiles wistfully at the memory* Gnnhh. I love the sparkles! *crooked high smile* XD
Tomorrroooww!!I shall finisssshh!! *slurs sleepily* Gnh. I am sooooo sorry for cutting this short Lau-chan (though I don’t really think that this has much potential in the first place. Sorry. I was high when I wrote this and...I still am right now. XD)
*pleeeease just disregard typos and stuff.. I haven’t really gone through the whole thing (with a sound mind) sooo... hope it’s okay.D:*gasps* It's dooooneee!! *dances around like a crazy lunatic* Ahhh!! And just in time too!!I I need to tuck in coz it's a school day tomorrow!! D: Anyways... hope you guys enjoy this.. sorry if it took so long.. yesss... I like angst.. angst is goooooddd!! ^^
Anyway, I bring you the first one. At least I managed to finish this. The other one just refuses to be finished. GNH. *engages in a fight with the other fic* I hate this. I should be stoned. XD
Hmm... more or less... here it is. Douzo.
Title: Silence
Pairing: G-U-E-S-S. :D Yep, they’re all MatsuJun centred because... well, he’s HOT... so hot that he should be blamed for Global Warming.
Rating: Umm... S for sparkles? XD Oh. There’s a bed by the way. Yes, there certainly IS :3
Notes: Unh... consider this as an epilogue for ‘Chocolates’ OKAY? :D Do you know how hard it is NOT to babble? O_O But, I’m pretty sure it came out that way anyway. XD
Sho looked over his right hand and sighed. With all the news work, rehearsals, photo shoots and various show tapings pilling up, he felt really useless with his broken thumb. It has already been two days since the accident yet the others seem to treat him as if he just got back from some life-threatening condition.
It was just his hand for goodness sake! Nino had been gushing around him like a confused mother hen, scolding him every time he tried to ease the boredom from his now ‘no-holding-stuff-with-your-hands-or-I’ll-knock-some-sense-out-of-you-the-hard-way’ life while Ohno scuttled around after his other half, trying to ease the other man down and adding some threats of his own in between. Aiba was being...well, Aiba. He scurried around the two trying to make Sho comfortable by pushing him down to the couch that he had named ‘George’ and trying to offer him stuff from a bath to chewing his food for him (‘I broke my hand, not became toothless!’ he shouted as he shrunk away from the bouncing ball of energy that was Aiba). Sho was grateful for his band mates and knew they meant well, but all he wants is to be left ALONE. Don’t they have... like, a life or something?? Still, as he watched them scuttle around the room trying their best to make him feel comfortable, there was this feeling of something missing that he just couldn’t put his finger on. As his eyes skimmed over the disaster zone that was their dressing room, his eyes fell upon Jun who was sitting comfortably at the couch near the glass windows.
He was embarrassed to say the least, that he had finally pinpointed what that feeling was. He knew he sounded like a spoilt brat but... Why isn’t Jun trying to help him out? Why isn’t he trying to help him like crazy like the others are doing? Sho sighed again. He seemed to be doing that a lot these days as he cringe a little at the approaching form of Aiba holding out a bowl of green frothing, bubbling soup in one hand and a large spoon at the other.
“Open up, Sho-chaaan!” Aiba said as he plucked a large amount of the eerie looking liquid near Sho’s closed mouth. He shoved Sho over to ‘George’s cushioned form and had pinned him down as Sho started to struggle against the effort of Aiba and his scary little bubbling ‘soup-of-horrors’.
“Come on Sho-chan! It’s good for you! You should eat all of it! You need your nourishment!!” Aiba said happily, still trying to wrestle the other man into submission as Sho tried to scuttle away from the walking disaster that was Aiba (and of course the scary looking concoction that was being forced to his mouth). As a string of protests left his lips, Nino practically gravitated to his other side with, of course, Ohno in tow.
“Shooo-chan! Eat it. OR ELSE.” Nino demanded bags under his eyes visible from all the worry over Sho’s conditions for the past two days. It was Nino who spent half the night with him in the hospital, refusing to leave until Sho was ready to leave himself even the doctors assured him that Sho was then totally fine (earning them a biting remark from the slight man). Ohno pushed his face into the crowd and added “I got that from the cafeteria lady today! She said it was the special so eat up Sho-kun!”
Sho sighed. He gave them a weak smile and finally accepted Aiba’s scary-looking liquid into his mouth, gagging a little as Aiba had shoved it more forcefully than intended which earned him a cuff at the back of the head from Nino; strangely enough, the soup DID make him feel better. As the others debated who get to help Sho home today, he wiped a hand at his mouth as he snuck a glance at the other man at the other side of the room. He noted that Jun was still there, oblivious to their little argument over who gets to carry Sho’s bag today (‘Oh god, I feel like a hopeless little girl!’ Sho groaned) when their manager announced that work was finished for today.
Sho finally looked away, Nino, Aiba and Ohno’s voices drowned out by his thoughts.
‘Why can’t he try to take care of me like them??’ his mind asked furiously as he tried to hide his shaking hands by shoving his stuff back into his bag. ‘Maybe if it was one of them, he’ll be all over the guys like the rest was all over me. Doesn’t he care?!’ he thought bitterly but then frowned and bit his lip, ‘That’s right, why would he want to care anyway... it’s not like...’ He sighed again as he masked on a small smile and excused himself to the restroom for a while after the three still arguing guys.
As Sho left the room, Jun looked up from his book and closed it with a sigh.
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As Sho stepped out of the restroom and he noticed that everything seemed to be silent- too silent. He opened the room to their dressing room to find it empty. His mouth stood agape as he silently cursed at the guys for leaving him.
“I told them to go home already. Nino hasn’t gotten any sleep for the past 57 hours and Ohno and Aiba are still a bundle of nerves from both the concert and the accident” a voice cut smoothly at the silence and he noticed that it was only him and Jun who was left there. In one hand, Jun held his own bag and in the other was Sho’s. “I told them I’ll be the one who’ll bring you home today”
Sho could only nod dumbly as he followed Jun out of the room like some lost puppy and onto the busy streets of downtown Tokyo. After the commute, Sho was already shaking with both the prospect of spending an entire afternoon at home, alone with Jun and the cold night air.
Sho shook a little as the younger man took off his coat to hang at the coat rack by the door while doing the same to his. The contact between Jun’s warm hands were in contrast with his- still cold from their walk, sent an odd emotion through him that he couldn’t quite place that made him totally zone out as Jun took of his shoes and proceeded to the kitchen to fix their dinner. ‘When’s the last time Jun and him were alone?’ his mind reeled with questions like this. Everything seemed to be so blurry yet so vivid at the same time. Sho finally shook out of his stupor only to watch Jun work his magic in his kitchen.
Sho’s mind was reeling with questions and thoughts of what he wanted to say to him. This was his chance! He finally has him to himself! All the lost time, all those words he wanted to say for so long...
Before Sho even had the courage open his mouth Jun, who was now rummaging in his cupboards, suddenly spoke up.
“I’m worried about everybody. Everyone’s been so stressed lately. Plus, with your accident before the concert I...” he trailed off, his back still turned away from him. It was then that Sho understood. He looked down for a moment and then pushed himself up from his seat at the dinner table.
“I- I don’t feel so good MatsuJun. I...I think I’ll go and take a nap for a while. Can I leave you here for a while?” Sho cursed himself mentally for stuttering like that in front of Jun. He watched as Jun just nodded from his spot by the stove, a light ‘okay’ casually thrown over his shoulder.
Sho stood up and left, entering his room, he looked down his plush carpeted floor. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath trying (but loosing) to push down the feeling of disappointment and hurt at Jun’s words. Of course, why else would he be worried about him? What else does he consider him apart from a band mate and, at most, a friend? He had lost everything and anything that they could ever be that moment he told that lie of his. He sighed and slipped off his slippers and crawled dejectedly under the covers like some kicked cat. He snuggled to the pillows and closed his eyes; it was only minutes after sleep finally claimed him.
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He eyes shot open as a sudden shock of pain started to spread throughout his right hand. A small whimper escaped his lips as he shifted on the bed to try and ease the sting of his hand but even before he could reach it a hand was already there, stroking with soft gentle fingers. Sho looked up to see MatsuJun, sitting comfortably at his side calmly easing the pain from his fractured hand.
“Ju-“
“You really should make another appointment with the doctor. Is he sure that all those pain killers are actually working?” he asked while looking straight into his eyes. How did he know that he’s been having more and more attacks this last two days?
“How did you- I mean...” he started but then stopped.
“You twitched a lot when you were sleeping” he answered simply.
“Oh” was the smartest answer he could think of. He turned away to try and hide the blush that came up to his face when he realized that Jun was still holding his hand. A minute of silence came between them and MatsuJun finally started to stand up.
“No, wait!” Sho called out, his bad hand reaching out in attempt to hold him back there by his side. Jun turned around, a look of surprise apparent on his face. He paused to look at Sho whose hand was still hanging there in mid-air.
“I-I...” he stuttered embarrassedly, he didn’t mean it! He didn’t mean to sound like such a girl. He looked down, his hand folding back and a blush creeping to his cheeks. “I- umm.. stay?”He asked embarrassedly to the silence, more than to the other man. “Bu- but, if you really have to go home then...” he trailed off. Damn it, he was really starting to sound like a girl!
Sho slowly turned around and curled back up to safety of his covers. The feeling of dejection still loomed in his thoughts as he waited for the sound of the bedroom and front door to close behind the only person who could ever make his heart race.
Except... no such things were heard. Nothing but the soft padding of footsteps at his carpet; the slow rustling of sheets behind him and the gentle creaking of the mattress as a weight settled near his back. Sho was confused to what was happening. ‘What was Jun doing?’ and ‘Isn’t he going to leave?’ went over and over his mind as if it was like some broken record playing over and over.
“You know, I wasn’t intent on leaving, actually” Jun told him softly in a voice that he didn’t usually use and as if he had just read his thoughts. “I was just going to check on the pasta sauce on the stove”
Sho was grateful that he was facing the other side when he said this, a furious blush of embarrassment creeping up to his cheeks. Ah, he really should stop hanging out with Aiba, it’s really starting to take its toll on him. Of course, going out doesn’t really necessary mean that Jun was going to leave already, right?
As his thoughts jumbled around the already confused clutter of his mind, he froze as a hand crept up and settled a comforting weight on his right hand that was on his side. He wanted to fight the urge to turn around and look but this Jun- self-control wasn’t really existent when it’s him you’re talking about. He turned around to find dark brown hues looking back at his own slightly darker ones and he can’t help but stare at their depths.
He was staring at him so much that he didn’t see the way Jun’s hands went up in an aborted motion of touching his cheek. Jun gave him a small smile and whispered to him a ‘go back to sleep’ and was about to stand up again when Sho caught his hand.
“Jun I- I want you to stay. Please” he wanted to demand, but it only came out as a pleading voice from his mouth.
Jun nodded and got back down by his side. He looked around the room and spotted Sho’s new movie script by the bedside table and casually flipped through it. Sho was silently cursing at himself at failing so bad to keep up a conversation between them. He wished that it would just be like the old times when the silence was still comfortable- now it was as if that silence was a void between them. Some endless, black void that had always hung idly between them.
“I-” he started, his voice shaking a bit as he took a deep breath to start a conversation.
“Hmm?” Jun asked absentmindedly, smiling a little as the words ‘Yatta!’ were highlighted on every part, and a scribble, which he could bet his life on that was Sho’s, scrawled a full paragraph on how weird he find this catchphrase to be complete with a tiny drawing of one of his infamous spiral suns at a corner.
“I- uh.... nice... um... weather today.. uhh... right?”
Jun tore his eyes away from Sho’s childish scribbles and drawings on his script to face the other man directly. He raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow at him.
“What?”
“I just mean that- ummm... that is...” Sho stuttered bowing his head dejectedly before the other man. After a minute’s silence between the two, Jun replaced the script back at the night stand and got off the bed. His hand was already at the door knob when Sho’s voice called out to him.
“I just... wanted it to be like... before...” Sho watched as the youngest member of Arashi freeze in his tracks, his shoulders tensing as his hand settled on the knob before him.
“...before I... I did that...” he added softly, his voice not more than a whisper. He watched in silence as the figure in front of him made neither sound nor any movement to acknowledge his words. He was just... standing there.
At last after a few seconds that seemed to stretch into hours between them, Jun spoke.
“Isn’t this what you wanted?” his voice was quiet when he said those words but it felt as if he had just shouted at him. He didn’t understand... what did he mean by ‘something he wanted’?
“I don’t under-”
“That time. Those years back ago. When you said... said those words”
“Bu that’s...I want to tell you something. I-”
But Jun would have none of it. He opened the door and slammed it shut behind him.
Sho was left there to stare at the closed door in front of him. Jun. He. He was going. He was going to leave. He’s probably grabbing his bag right now... putting on his left shoe... the right shoe...he would be standing up.... griping the doorknob and turning it...he was leaving... walking away...and he was just there- letting him.
Sho shot up so suddenly that even he didn’t know where he got the sudden the sudden energy to run his room and front door and grabbed Jun’s hand.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
CONTINUATION:
“Wait” he uttered at his back, as the other man still refused to look at him. Sho could feel his heart beating a hole through his chest. Silence crept all throughout the room as his left hand tightened around Jun’s hand.
“Jun, I-”
“What more could you ask of me?” his voice quietly asked.
“Wha- what?” Sho stuttered in reply. His hands beginning to loosen its hold on the other’s arm as the question echoed in his mind. He tugged softly at Jun, trying vainly to make the other man look at him. He succeeded in making him turn around yet the other still refused to look at him in the eye.
“Ju-”
“Isn’t this what you wanted? That we stay like this?” he said, making the other man shiver at the coldness that was apparent in his voice, “It isn’t exactly easy you know”.
“You wanted me to be like this, right? What more could you ask of me?” he repeated, slowly hooking up his eyes to Sho’s. There, he saw all the emotions that he would have given everything not to see. Pain, hurt, confusion mingling with anger and tears- it was enough to break his heart into pieces.
“What more could you ask of me?” Jun repeated the third time, his voice cracking at the end.
Sho could feel his fingers grow numb through its now loose hold on Jun’s hand, slowly letting go of the other who had now taken into staring deeply back at him. His words continued to echo through his head. Had he hurt him enough to push him to this? He looked away; he couldn’t bear to keep on staring at those sad eyes.
Silence again enveloped the two. Only the distant sound of the neighbour’s loud TV blaring out the evening news was heard in the background.
Jun let his gaze fall back down and stared at the plush carpeting instead. His eyes clouded with tears that had traitorously welled up at the side of his eyes. He wanted to forget. All this time, he wanted nothing more than to forget the words, those feelings... the light touches of hands, the soft brushes of shoulders as they bumped together in practice- he had wanted to take it out of his system like some bad virus of some kind. All these years, he wanted nothing more but to stop and forget, yet... yet some part of him still wanted to hold on, still wanted to hope for something more.
The words that he had just uttered fell to his ears and made his heart break into a million pieces. He looked up at the Keio student in front of him- the one that he had idolized for so long. He searched his face for something; something that he had seen whenever he saw those shy meaningful glances when they were together. For them, everything depended on silence. It was when both felt secured, just sitting there, their backs to each other- no words were spoken but there was something that was internally spoke in the air between them.
He was about to walk away; tell himself that this was a moment he should forever burry at the back of his mind-never to be heard of or thought of again, when Sho finally turned to face him. The silence in the room where the five of them shared grew even quieter if that was even possible. With Sho’s words, he knew that he had to let go... there was no other way... but looking up at his face...
He continued to look at him, searching for anything that may make the other’s intentions clearer. He had already asked him to go. And now... now he was asking him to stay. Was there no clear answer from this man?! He took a deep breath and clasped his bag in his hand tighter. He kept his face turned to the front door of Sho’s apartment when he felt a more demanding hand clutch him tighter.
“No. Wait Jun... I...” he started, his grip not faltering but his voice growing to a whisper instead.
Sho didn’t know what to do. How to change what he had done. He didn’t think that staying there, holding his hand, would erase the memory of those words, to take back the hurt, the pain and the lost time. If only he hadn’t put his pride before his feelings... maybe, they wouldn’t be here like this.
Awkward silence continued to stretch between them as the room started to darken, the lights from a nearby streetlamp illuminating the room with its soft glow. Still motionless by the doorway, Jun stood there his back turned from the other man while Sho’s hand kept him from walking out the door. Sho clasped his hand tighter around his pale wrists. His mind screamed at him. It shouted words- words that urged him to talk to Jun, beg him to stay, tell him the truth... anything! Tell him anything... just... just make him stay...anything to keep him right there by his side.
Sho knew he should say something but his mouth refused to form any words... even if it did, he still didn’t know what to say, so instead, he stepped closer to him and wrapped his arms around his waist slowly, still unsure if the other would push him away. Somehow, he felt the awkwardness slowly ease away into something more familiar. Something that they hadn’t experience for years between them. Jun felt Sho’s arms snake tighter around his waist and jumped a little at the contact. After a while Jun relaxed and Sho took this as a permission to become bolder in his actions. He snuggled closer and buried his face by his shoulders. He knew that at times like these, words should be in order...that explanations were needed.
“Jun, I-”
“Urusei...” he mumbled softly, running his hands at Sho’s arms by his waist.
Sho smiled, he buried his face deeper unto Jun’s shoulder, earning a smile from the other man as well.
“Urusei.”
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“Shoooo-chaaan!!! Are you better today? Didja get... enough sleep?” a taunting voice called from inside the dressing room where Sho, closely followed by Jun, entered. Aiba, Nino and Ohno were all there, sitting by the big plush couch- Nino with his Nintendo DS in hand, Ohno busy staring off into space, his back warm and flush at Nino’s side while Aiba sat upside down on the couch, reading some Manga that he had gone and ‘borrowed’ from Nino’s hidden stash.
Sho blushed and started sprouting out string of words such as ‘No-we-did-no-such-thing!’ and ‘I-don’t-know-what-you’re-talking-about-Nino!’ as the otaku gamer chortled with uncontained bouts of laughter. Really, a day of sleep did wonders for the slighter boy as his normal bratty attitude started rearing its ugly head again. Aiba hopped right side up and bounced over to him and started asking if he wanted some o f that special soup from the JE kitchen’s again or if he wanted him to share and chew some karaage for him (‘For the last time Aiba! I SAID I AM NOT TOOTHLESS!!’ Sho shouted) as Ohno smiled up at him lazily, burrowing contently into Nino’s embrace. As Sho started to deflect any of Aiba’s so-called ‘help’ he can’t help but look over to the other couch where Jun had comfortably situated himself after stepping into the room.
Sho stared at him as he looked up from then book he had just opened. He smiled at the younger man as the memories of last night’s embrace surfaced into his mind. Instead of giving any attention to him, Jun sighed and went back to his book. To anyone but Sho and the rest of Arashi, it would’ve looked like he didn’t care but they knew...no, HE knew better and he smiled. As he continued to stare at him, a small smile of his own crept to Jun’s face as he flipped to the next page of his book.
Yes, sometimes, silences like these were enough.
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EDIT: Ugh. To be continued. PLEASE DON’T HIT ME. *ducks nonetheless* T___T Sleeeeep. WHY IS IT THAT MY WEEKEND DOESN’T FEEL LIKE A WEEKEND IN ANY WAY? *weeps at a corner* I’m sorry... I still haven’t updated. *cries a river of tears*TT____TT OMG... there are classes tomorrow and I am still awake... =____= Wah. At least I have that hot image of Nino pinning Ohno to a wall to help me get through the day tomorrow *smiles wistfully at the memory* Gnnhh. I love the sparkles! *crooked high smile* XD
Tomorrroooww!!I shall finisssshh!! *slurs sleepily* Gnh. I am sooooo sorry for cutting this short Lau-chan (though I don’t really think that this has much potential in the first place. Sorry. I was high when I wrote this and...I still am right now. XD)
*pleeeease just disregard typos and stuff.. I haven’t really gone through the whole thing (with a sound mind) sooo... hope it’s okay.D:*gasps* It's dooooneee!! *dances around like a crazy lunatic* Ahhh!! And just in time too!!I I need to tuck in coz it's a school day tomorrow!! D: Anyways... hope you guys enjoy this.. sorry if it took so long.. yesss... I like angst.. angst is goooooddd!! ^^