home....

[satoriofmine]

I'm visiting home in colorado and its a struggle. On the one hand i get to visit my past so to speak and almost return to what is comfortable. but on the other hand i return to what i tried to get away from in the first place. im not a part of life here anymore. i left. and everything here continued to be... and coming back to it ive been forgotten somewhat. but i also think that i was never really noticed in the first place. last night i was walking and talking with a friend and she made the statement that we were always in our own worlds. we never really fit. i guess that is how its always been for me. i never fit anywhere and i still dont. i was never completely in with one group of people or the other i was always a floater. sometimes its great to be an outsider looking in, but most of the time its just lonely. and i dont want to change myself to conform or be included... i really just desire someone(s) to take the time to be interested... to listen... to try and understand. I was thinking last night as well about how i dont talk very much. i just figure whats the point. no one really wants to hear about another persons life or interests or thoughts because they are already too busy being concerned about their own. i just get really discouraged when i try and share and get shut down by the person im trying to share with.

...my mom told me that i make people comfortable... and this is not news to me, but it really bothers me. im tired of being the "safe" choice. it really sucks sometimes.

im so torn all the time
i battle everyday
im lost and confused
im alone and sad
itching for something better
from myself
from my friends
from this world
how can one get comfort from someone who's not physically there?
where is my faith
where is my smile
where am i?