classy and independant
I've been thinking about things. It's okay though. Well, let me tell you what happened, I guess.
Ever since I knew Jason I had convinced myself that I wanted to spend the rest of my ife with him. He never believed me. No one did. Everyone thought that if I was with him now I would leave him later (maybe a year, maybe 5, or maybe 20), finally figuring out what I wanted in life. I tried to tell them they were all wrong, every one of them, but no one believed me. In the past four years I have "dated" one other person, Zach. And that lasted for all of one week (ish), and consisted mainly of us hanging out once and going to a show together one other time (which was planned well in advance of us even knowing each other). I was introduced to him through a common friend, and we seemed to get along very well. But it ended up being more of a physical attraction. I remember one day in paticular that he grabbed my hand just to act sweet, and I felt like being sick. My hand didn't fit with his. It was uncomfortable and I felt gross when our hands became even a little sweaty. I kissed him twice, and both times disgusted me. Now this was all years ago, so I thought I would have grown up since. I thought I would be able to think about seeing someone else, since Jason is now. I thought I would at least be able to think someone is attractive and not want to rinse my eyes out with soap. Anyway, it's not Zach's fault that we quit seeing each other, it was mine. I didn't feel right with him, and I knew I never would. He wasn't Jason, and he couldn't even pretend to be. Even when I hung out with Zach I spent every minute thinking about Jason and wanting him to call. The point of this story is that everyone was wrong when they said I wouldn't stay with him, and that I was going to break his heart.
So, yesterday afternoon I went to Border's and I ran into someone there that I used to know years and years and years and years ago. I know I'm not that old, but I am old enough for that many + years. I started chatting with this person and they played all of their "you look great" "it's so nice to run into you" "i wish we would see each other again" cards. We walked around Border's and then down to Circuit City. We chatted about the past, and old times, and new times. We talked about where our lives had taken us, and why we used to mean things to each other. We noticed that we are very different people now. I just felt plesant, being there and talking. It made me feel like people from my past may still come back to me. Anyway, as comftable as it made me feel seeing and still getting along with people from my past, it became very obvious to me the longer we talked that I don't care about this person, I don't care to meet anyone new, and all of those people that knew me in high school that always wanted a chance, but I never would give them one, that are still convincing themselves now that we fit together like a puzzle, will all just have to fuck off some more, because it isn't going to happen.
I'm okay with waiting. I'm okay with it because I have found someone that I would like to spend the rest of my life with. Someone that I want to wake up beside in the morning. Someone that I would stand beside no matter how bad, or annoying, things got. I think I'm very lucky for that, being as most people wait their whole lives for something like that.
I do want to say though, that the next relationship I am in (not necessarily talking about someone new, just new days) will be very different from my last. Being alone has definitely taught me that it's okay to be alone, and to be independant, and that you don't need someone to keep living. It's okay to want to spend time with the person, but it's unacceptable and obsessive to want to every minute of the day. People don't need other people. And it's completely decent to believe that and want to spend time with people at the same time. I'm just being classy and independant, and that's okay.
Also, yesterday was Marilyn Monroe's birthday (and Brigham Young).
I guess everything that I'm saying here can be summarized to: spending time with other people makes me feel dirty, even if it only happened by accident and for < an hour. I am going to wait this out. I've convinced myself that that is in my better interest. I have plans for my next relationship to be very different than my last. I learned a lot about love and life in the past four years and so much about the other side of the spectrum in the past few weeks of being alone. I'm finding the good and the evil in both of those things and I am balancing it and molding it to make myself a better person. Someone that can be in the relationship that I was in, and it actually work. But good Lord, everyone knows that that relationship was so close to perfect sometimes we could barely stand it. So I am turning "so close" and "sometimes" into "as close as close gets" and "always". Yesterday was the birthday of Marilyn and Brigham Young. And if you were bored enough to read all of that and understand any of it, you probably need therapy.
Ever since I knew Jason I had convinced myself that I wanted to spend the rest of my ife with him. He never believed me. No one did. Everyone thought that if I was with him now I would leave him later (maybe a year, maybe 5, or maybe 20), finally figuring out what I wanted in life. I tried to tell them they were all wrong, every one of them, but no one believed me. In the past four years I have "dated" one other person, Zach. And that lasted for all of one week (ish), and consisted mainly of us hanging out once and going to a show together one other time (which was planned well in advance of us even knowing each other). I was introduced to him through a common friend, and we seemed to get along very well. But it ended up being more of a physical attraction. I remember one day in paticular that he grabbed my hand just to act sweet, and I felt like being sick. My hand didn't fit with his. It was uncomfortable and I felt gross when our hands became even a little sweaty. I kissed him twice, and both times disgusted me. Now this was all years ago, so I thought I would have grown up since. I thought I would be able to think about seeing someone else, since Jason is now. I thought I would at least be able to think someone is attractive and not want to rinse my eyes out with soap. Anyway, it's not Zach's fault that we quit seeing each other, it was mine. I didn't feel right with him, and I knew I never would. He wasn't Jason, and he couldn't even pretend to be. Even when I hung out with Zach I spent every minute thinking about Jason and wanting him to call. The point of this story is that everyone was wrong when they said I wouldn't stay with him, and that I was going to break his heart.
So, yesterday afternoon I went to Border's and I ran into someone there that I used to know years and years and years and years ago. I know I'm not that old, but I am old enough for that many + years. I started chatting with this person and they played all of their "you look great" "it's so nice to run into you" "i wish we would see each other again" cards. We walked around Border's and then down to Circuit City. We chatted about the past, and old times, and new times. We talked about where our lives had taken us, and why we used to mean things to each other. We noticed that we are very different people now. I just felt plesant, being there and talking. It made me feel like people from my past may still come back to me. Anyway, as comftable as it made me feel seeing and still getting along with people from my past, it became very obvious to me the longer we talked that I don't care about this person, I don't care to meet anyone new, and all of those people that knew me in high school that always wanted a chance, but I never would give them one, that are still convincing themselves now that we fit together like a puzzle, will all just have to fuck off some more, because it isn't going to happen.
I'm okay with waiting. I'm okay with it because I have found someone that I would like to spend the rest of my life with. Someone that I want to wake up beside in the morning. Someone that I would stand beside no matter how bad, or annoying, things got. I think I'm very lucky for that, being as most people wait their whole lives for something like that.
I do want to say though, that the next relationship I am in (not necessarily talking about someone new, just new days) will be very different from my last. Being alone has definitely taught me that it's okay to be alone, and to be independant, and that you don't need someone to keep living. It's okay to want to spend time with the person, but it's unacceptable and obsessive to want to every minute of the day. People don't need other people. And it's completely decent to believe that and want to spend time with people at the same time. I'm just being classy and independant, and that's okay.
Also, yesterday was Marilyn Monroe's birthday (and Brigham Young).
I guess everything that I'm saying here can be summarized to: spending time with other people makes me feel dirty, even if it only happened by accident and for < an hour. I am going to wait this out. I've convinced myself that that is in my better interest. I have plans for my next relationship to be very different than my last. I learned a lot about love and life in the past four years and so much about the other side of the spectrum in the past few weeks of being alone. I'm finding the good and the evil in both of those things and I am balancing it and molding it to make myself a better person. Someone that can be in the relationship that I was in, and it actually work. But good Lord, everyone knows that that relationship was so close to perfect sometimes we could barely stand it. So I am turning "so close" and "sometimes" into "as close as close gets" and "always". Yesterday was the birthday of Marilyn and Brigham Young. And if you were bored enough to read all of that and understand any of it, you probably need therapy.