New Moon Chapter 24 Part 2
But Bella immediately gets over that worry because she's decided that she was putting them all in danger by being human, so no need for guilt!
Putting Charlie in constant danger through my proximity. Putting Jake in worse danger still by drawing his enemies across the land he felt bound to protect. And Reneé-I couldn’t even risk a visit to see my own mother for fear of bringing my deadly problems along with me!
I was a danger magnet; I’d accepted that about myself.
No, you're not. That's just your excuse.
So in a pathetic attempt to buy time because YOU LOST EDTURD YOU LOST HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA, Edturd insists that they should wait until Bella graduates from high school and moves out of Charlie's house. Never mind that at eighteen, she can drop out of school and move out WHENEVER SHE PLEASES.
Carlisle immediately takes Edward's side because hey, he won't get any sweet lovin' for MONTHS if he doesn't stop disagreeing with his "son."
I thought about Charlie’s reaction when he woke up this morning, if-after all that life had put him through in the last week with Harry’s loss, and then I had put him through with my unexplained disappearance-he were to find my bed empty. Charlie deserved better than that. It was just a little more time; graduation wasn’t so far away...
I pursed my lips. “I’ll consider it.”
Yeah, she clearly feels SO bad for Charlie, that after thinking about how devastated he would be if she vanished again, this time forever... she only announces that she'll "consider" waiting. Hey, she'll be a total hag after graduation! She can't wait THAT long!
Edward is pretty clearly figuring he now has PLENTY of time to find a way of making sure Bella will never get turned. He also pretty obviously wants her out of there, so he can lock her in that cage he's been building in the woods.
Edward rushed me out of the house before Carlisle could promise me anything else.
Yeah, imagine the Cullens agreeing to actually do what they voted to do. How dare they.
He took me out the back, so I didn’t get to see what was broken in the living room.
Again, are tantrums supposed to be sexy? Because I don't find temperamental child-men sexy.
So Bella gloats on the way home because she's getting her way, and isn't that what Troo Lurv is all about? But when they get back to her bedroom, she realizes that he's scheming for ways to keep her from being turned into a vampire.
Ah, Mr. Perfect. A controlling loser who freaks out if he doesn't get his way, then starts trying to think up ways to get his way anyway.
“If you don’t mind, I’d much rather you didn’t hide your face. I’ve lived without it for as long as I can stand."
Excuse me. The porcelain god is calling my name.
So his genius plan is to... ask her what she wants most in the world. Yeah, I can see why his superior vampire brain took THAT LONG to come up with this.
I could feel the skepticism in my eyes. “You.”
"But I'll settle for Alice if I have to."
"I knew... wait, what?"
“I would want...Carlisle not to have to do it. I would want you to change me.”
Edturd claims he'll do it if she waits five years. Yeah, why? So she can get arrested for being in a relationship with him?
Bella, showing the first flicker of intelligence, figures out that he just wants more time to back out of it. Which he does. Let's face it - he's not willing to change her, and he's not going to change that opinion. Hell, the only reason he DOES is because of a medical emergency, not because he's honoring any promises. So yeah, he's a honorless little twat.
“Isn’t it worth anything to you at all?”
Why would it? Clearly what she wants most is vampirism.
They bargain for a little while, and Edturd finally comes up with another possibility:
“All right. Forget time limits. If you want me to be the one-then you’ll just have to meet one condition.”
“Condition?” My voice went flat. “What condition?”
"Well, it involves a sex change operation..."
“Marry me first.”
"After all, we've been broken up and emotionally screwed-up for months, and we're not technically even back together. We should totally get married!"
I stared at him, waiting....“Okay. What’s the punch line?”
Ah, romance. Twoo wuv. Soulmates.
And this condition... confuses me. It would make sense if there had been some scene earlier in the book where they discussed marriage, and Bella shrugged off the idea but Edward was for it. Or if she said she never wanted to get married, even though it was really important to him.
So I don't know why he would make that a condition, because there's no reason for him to think she wouldn't say, "Sure! Let's hop over to the courthouse right now!" You might as well say, "I'll only turn you if you eat a whole chocolate pie."
“Oh, c’mon,” I said, an edge of hysteria in my voice. “I’m only eighteen.”
Which means you can start popping out babies ASAP for the Cullens' little cult.
And what exactly is her alternative? She isn't planning on college and she has a crap little part-time job.
I looked away, out the dark window, trying to control the panic before it gave me away.
“Look, marriage isn’t exactly that high on my list of priorities, you know? It was sort of the kiss of death for Reneé and Charlie.”
Because it isn't that one is a clueless, emotionally-distant bent cop and the other is a flake who can't put on her own underwear without help. It isn't that they wanted different things, that she refused to live in Forks and he refused to live anywhere else. It isn't that they clearly didn't discuss any of the IMPORTANT issues before they got married.
Nope. It's only because they got MARRIED that their relationship was doomed.
Again, this comes out of NOWHERE. We've never heard Bella have any reservations about marriage, and in the first book she thought that their split was GREAT because it meant she didn't have to live in Forks. It sure doesn't sound like she was traumatized by a divorce that happened when she was a BABY.
Now even Edward thinks this is stupid, that she'll happily turn into a vampire but is freaked out by the "commitment" of marriage. Bella tries to pretend that this isn't the case, but it obviously is, because... well, if she didn't have this sudden aversion to marriage, she'd accept in a heartbeat and the series would be over. It allows Smeyer to drag this conflict out another two books.
Again, I think the editor may have intervened here, because the idea that Bella freaks out at marriage commitment but is fine with turning into a vampire is... stupid. Really stupid. I hate to break it to Smeyer, but if a marriage doesn't work out, there are always divorces and annulments. Vampirism? Nope, if you change your mind, you're shit outta luck.
And the idea that marriage is a bigger commitment than being a vampire is especially stupid because EARLIER IN THIS CHAPTER we were informed that Rosalie is unhappy being a vampire. And she didn't even get a choice!
Hell, in a better written book, I would be wondering if Bella's reluctance to marry Edturd was a sign that she was just trying to get immortality out of him, and she planned to ditch him once she had gotten what she wants. If she really does want to be with him forever and plans to live with him and his family, then freaking out at the idea of marriage is moronic.
It also shows how shallow Edturd and Bawla's relationship is. Despite supposedly being in twoo wuv and spending all their time together, day and night, they never talked about the future or any important issues.
“That’s not it exactly,” I hedged. “I’m...afraid of Reneé. She has some really intense opinions on getting married before you’re thirty.”
“Because she’d rather you became one of the eternal damned than get married.” He laughed darkly.
“You think you’re joking.”
... is she seriously implying that her mom would be okay with vampirism but not marriage? Because if she's not lying, then Renee is even stupider than I thought.
Edward is dazed again by the sheer stupidity of Bella's willingness to become a vampire, but unwillingness to marry him.
“Well,” I interrupted. “What if I did? What if I told you to take me to Vegas now? Would I be a vampire in three days?”
... it doesn't take three days to drive to Vegas. Without sleeping or making many stops, you could be there in 20 hours.
But Bella is just bluffing, and even offers to wait a year and a half before becoming a vampire. And now that Edturd has found out something she DOESN'T want to do, he's determined that it's marriage or nothing. After all, now he can keep her human longer!
Because that's what troo lurv is about: manipulating each other!
“You’re impossible,” I groaned. “A monster.”
You know, if you gave most teen girls a hot, rich guy who perfectly fulfilled their dreams... I don't think they would be horrified at the idea of marrying them.
But I can see why Smeyer is. After all, she got married right out of her teens and started popping out babies right away, and I suspect she's resentful of this. This is really the point in the series when Smeyer starts splattering her weird issues with getting married young and having kids all over it, and the conflict between what she clearly wants and fulfilling the perfect-Mormon-wife/mom role.
“Would this have gone better if I’d had time to get a ring?”
“No! No rings!” I very nearly shouted.
"I have the feminine sexuality of a lumberjack! And I'm proud of that!"
But she stupidly wakes up Charlie, and he checks on her.
Of course, I still had the Carlisle option, but now that I knew there was a chance that Edward would change me himself, I wanted it bad. He was such a cheater.
Why the fuck does she want it? How is it "cheating"? WAS THIS WRITTEN BY A SIX YEAR OLD?
So Charlie comes in and gives her a lecture you would expect him to give a little kid rather than someone who has been a legal adult for several months.
“You know you’re in trouble.”
"Even though you're an adult and can go wherever you want as long as you don't take my money or use my property, you're in trouble!"
Charlie points out that Jacob couldn't tell him anything about where Bella went or why, and Bella was so unselfishly considerate that she couldn't bother to pick up a phone and TELL him where she was. Hey, good point. She had HOURS on the plane, airports and car, and she never picked up a fucking cell phone and sent him a message, "Hey Charlie, there was an emergency in Alice's family, and I'm with her. I'll be back soon."
“Can you give me one reason why I shouldn’t ship you off to Jacksonville this second?”
My eyes narrowed. So it was going to be threats, was it? Two could play at that game. I sat up, pulling the quilt around me. “Because I won’t go.”
“Now just one minute, young lady-”
"Don't make me use my position to intimidate and manipulate even more people!"
So Bella "threatens" him by declaring that "you have the right to ground me for as long as you want" (no, he doesn't, because leaving unexpectedly IS NOT WRONG) and that she'll do all the chores and cleaning until he decides otherwise and can even kick her out of the house, but he can't make her go to Florida. Uh, I don't think Bawla knows how threats work.
Also, she ALREADY did all the chores and cleaning, because she's a woman. Charlie just sat on the couch and ate chips.
Well, Bella saying that he can punish her in almost any way possible is just too intimidating for Charlie, and he starts asking where she went. So Bella starts off with, “See, Alice told Rosalie about me jumping off the cliff....” Yes, she is that stupid - she just blurted that out, despite Charlie having had NO IDEA that she had done that.
So she BSes about how she was just swimming with Jacob and she TOTALLY WASN'T TRYING TO KILL HERSELF, and Rosalie told Edward about this and he got upset.
How would Rosalie know this? Why would Edturd be "upset" and think she was trying to kill herself if she was "swimming"? Charlie doesn't ask, because that would expose Bella as a massive liar.
Charlie’s face was frozen. “Were you trying to kill yourself, Bella?”
“No, of course not."
"The author would never write me as doing something SHE wouldn't do! So even though we're constantly told that I'm like Juliet, I'd never attempt suicide! Even if I keep trying to do things to kill myself."
“What’s it to Edward Cullen anyway?” he barked. “All this time, he’s just left you dangling without a word-”
I interrupted him. “Another misunderstanding.”
Considering how much Bella lies, you would think she'd be better at it. Yeah, they had a "misunderstanding" that involved him ditching her alone in the woods and moving away.
Yo, Smeyer. At some point Bella is either going to not be able to wallpaper over this sort of shit, or Charlie will just stop caring because clearly all these "misunderstandings" are blown out of proportion.
“I want you to stay away from him, Bella. I don’t trust him. He’s rotten for you. I won’t let him mess you up like that again.”
"Because for some reason I have control over who you see even though you're an adult and can do whatever you want and see whoever you want!"
So does Bella tell him that she's a grown woman and can see whom she likes? Nope. She says that she'll move out, like a pissy five-year-old.
In fact, the only reason she doesn't flounce out and yell "I hate you!" on her way out is that she literally thinks Charlie is about to drop dead. Even someone as monstrously self-absorbed as Bella can't shrug that off... well, not permanently.
“Dad, I don’t want to move out,” I said in a softer tone. “I love you. I know you’re worried, but you need to trust me on this. And you’re going to have to ease up on Edward if you want me to stay. Do you want me to live here or not?”
So... Charlie just said he didn't want her seeing Edturd, and her instant response is, "Fine! I'll move out! You're forcing me to!"
Except without an ultimatum, it just makes her sound like a brat who threatens to storm out whenever she doesn't get her way.
“That’s not fair, Bella. You know I want you to stay.”
Bella just sneers about how she and Edward are totes together forever, and then "politely" tells Charlie to get out. If I were Charlie, I'd be busy wondering how the hell they went from "he left me forever and my life is destroyed" to "we're back together forever!" in the space of two days.
Either that, or I'd figure, "If she gets back together with him, she's bringing the inevitable suffering on herself. My sympathy is worn out." Maybe I'm being cold-hearted, but I refuse to bestow sympathy on people who keep reviving their toxic relationships and then whining when they break up.
Then again, if I were Charlie, I'd tell the ungrateful little bint to leave if she wants.
I threw off my quilt, and Edward was already there, sitting in the rocking chair as if he’d been present through the whole conversation.
And for some reason, his hand was down his pants.
“Don’t worry about it,” I breathed as I gathered up my bathroom things and a set of clean clothes. “I will start exactly as much as is necessary, and no more than that."
Because nothing says "I make my own decisions and control my own destiny" like "breathing" your words like Marilyn Monroe.
"Or are you trying to tell me I have nowhere to go?” I widened my eyes with false alarm.
Being presumptuous is charming.
His jaw tightened. “So eager for eternal damnation,” he muttered.
In fact, Bella then challenges his stupid theological worldview by pointing out that if he truly believed this, he wouldn't have assumed they were both dead in Volterra. Edturd can't come up with a reply to that, because he's super-smart.
“So let’s both just be hopeful, all right?” I suggested. “Not that it matters. If you stay, I don’t need heaven.”
Well, good. Because there's no way either of you were going there anyway.
Then they say sappy things and make out, and I pray that my liver will survive to the end of this.
Putting Charlie in constant danger through my proximity. Putting Jake in worse danger still by drawing his enemies across the land he felt bound to protect. And Reneé-I couldn’t even risk a visit to see my own mother for fear of bringing my deadly problems along with me!
I was a danger magnet; I’d accepted that about myself.
No, you're not. That's just your excuse.
So in a pathetic attempt to buy time because YOU LOST EDTURD YOU LOST HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA, Edturd insists that they should wait until Bella graduates from high school and moves out of Charlie's house. Never mind that at eighteen, she can drop out of school and move out WHENEVER SHE PLEASES.
Carlisle immediately takes Edward's side because hey, he won't get any sweet lovin' for MONTHS if he doesn't stop disagreeing with his "son."
I thought about Charlie’s reaction when he woke up this morning, if-after all that life had put him through in the last week with Harry’s loss, and then I had put him through with my unexplained disappearance-he were to find my bed empty. Charlie deserved better than that. It was just a little more time; graduation wasn’t so far away...
I pursed my lips. “I’ll consider it.”
Yeah, she clearly feels SO bad for Charlie, that after thinking about how devastated he would be if she vanished again, this time forever... she only announces that she'll "consider" waiting. Hey, she'll be a total hag after graduation! She can't wait THAT long!
Edward is pretty clearly figuring he now has PLENTY of time to find a way of making sure Bella will never get turned. He also pretty obviously wants her out of there, so he can lock her in that cage he's been building in the woods.
Edward rushed me out of the house before Carlisle could promise me anything else.
Yeah, imagine the Cullens agreeing to actually do what they voted to do. How dare they.
He took me out the back, so I didn’t get to see what was broken in the living room.
Again, are tantrums supposed to be sexy? Because I don't find temperamental child-men sexy.
So Bella gloats on the way home because she's getting her way, and isn't that what Troo Lurv is all about? But when they get back to her bedroom, she realizes that he's scheming for ways to keep her from being turned into a vampire.
Ah, Mr. Perfect. A controlling loser who freaks out if he doesn't get his way, then starts trying to think up ways to get his way anyway.
“If you don’t mind, I’d much rather you didn’t hide your face. I’ve lived without it for as long as I can stand."
Excuse me. The porcelain god is calling my name.
So his genius plan is to... ask her what she wants most in the world. Yeah, I can see why his superior vampire brain took THAT LONG to come up with this.
I could feel the skepticism in my eyes. “You.”
"But I'll settle for Alice if I have to."
"I knew... wait, what?"
“I would want...Carlisle not to have to do it. I would want you to change me.”
- "Is this an obvious enough metaphor for sex? Because it is, ya know. A metaphor for sex. I'm asking that instead of your creepy pedo dad fang-banging me into immortality, that YOU do it because it's so much more romantic to be in blinding agony if YOU are the one inflicting it."
- "Of course, the metaphor falls apart because Carlisle also bit you and Rosalie, meaning he's had sex with half his little 'family.' And it was rape."
- Clearly this doesn't mean THAT much to Bella. Until five minutes ago, she was just fine with Alice or Carlisle doing it while Edward sulked.
- She never even mentioned this before either!
- Honestly, it would make more sense for her to say, "I want to be turned as soon as possible." Oh wait, that wouldn't allow Edturd to "bargain."
- And I don't know why she cares who does it. It's not sexy or intimate.
- I could understand wanting Edward to be the one who turns her if it were one of those series where being bitten is orgasmic or even painless. Or if it creates a special bond between maker and fledgling.
- This series? Instant agony, and no special bond.
- So Bella thinks the only person who should inflict agonizing long-lasting pain on her... is Edward. Hello, microcosm of their sick relationship.
- Hell, there isn't even any sensuality in the making of a vampire. If this is being used metaphorically for sex, then that means Smeyer thinks all sex is painful, and most of it is rape.
Edturd claims he'll do it if she waits five years. Yeah, why? So she can get arrested for being in a relationship with him?
Bella, showing the first flicker of intelligence, figures out that he just wants more time to back out of it. Which he does. Let's face it - he's not willing to change her, and he's not going to change that opinion. Hell, the only reason he DOES is because of a medical emergency, not because he's honoring any promises. So yeah, he's a honorless little twat.
“Isn’t it worth anything to you at all?”
Why would it? Clearly what she wants most is vampirism.
They bargain for a little while, and Edturd finally comes up with another possibility:
“All right. Forget time limits. If you want me to be the one-then you’ll just have to meet one condition.”
“Condition?” My voice went flat. “What condition?”
"Well, it involves a sex change operation..."
“Marry me first.”
"After all, we've been broken up and emotionally screwed-up for months, and we're not technically even back together. We should totally get married!"
I stared at him, waiting....“Okay. What’s the punch line?”
Ah, romance. Twoo wuv. Soulmates.
And this condition... confuses me. It would make sense if there had been some scene earlier in the book where they discussed marriage, and Bella shrugged off the idea but Edward was for it. Or if she said she never wanted to get married, even though it was really important to him.
So I don't know why he would make that a condition, because there's no reason for him to think she wouldn't say, "Sure! Let's hop over to the courthouse right now!" You might as well say, "I'll only turn you if you eat a whole chocolate pie."
“Oh, c’mon,” I said, an edge of hysteria in my voice. “I’m only eighteen.”
Which means you can start popping out babies ASAP for the Cullens' little cult.
And what exactly is her alternative? She isn't planning on college and she has a crap little part-time job.
I looked away, out the dark window, trying to control the panic before it gave me away.
“Look, marriage isn’t exactly that high on my list of priorities, you know? It was sort of the kiss of death for Reneé and Charlie.”
Because it isn't that one is a clueless, emotionally-distant bent cop and the other is a flake who can't put on her own underwear without help. It isn't that they wanted different things, that she refused to live in Forks and he refused to live anywhere else. It isn't that they clearly didn't discuss any of the IMPORTANT issues before they got married.
Nope. It's only because they got MARRIED that their relationship was doomed.
Again, this comes out of NOWHERE. We've never heard Bella have any reservations about marriage, and in the first book she thought that their split was GREAT because it meant she didn't have to live in Forks. It sure doesn't sound like she was traumatized by a divorce that happened when she was a BABY.
Now even Edward thinks this is stupid, that she'll happily turn into a vampire but is freaked out by the "commitment" of marriage. Bella tries to pretend that this isn't the case, but it obviously is, because... well, if she didn't have this sudden aversion to marriage, she'd accept in a heartbeat and the series would be over. It allows Smeyer to drag this conflict out another two books.
Again, I think the editor may have intervened here, because the idea that Bella freaks out at marriage commitment but is fine with turning into a vampire is... stupid. Really stupid. I hate to break it to Smeyer, but if a marriage doesn't work out, there are always divorces and annulments. Vampirism? Nope, if you change your mind, you're shit outta luck.
And the idea that marriage is a bigger commitment than being a vampire is especially stupid because EARLIER IN THIS CHAPTER we were informed that Rosalie is unhappy being a vampire. And she didn't even get a choice!
Hell, in a better written book, I would be wondering if Bella's reluctance to marry Edturd was a sign that she was just trying to get immortality out of him, and she planned to ditch him once she had gotten what she wants. If she really does want to be with him forever and plans to live with him and his family, then freaking out at the idea of marriage is moronic.
It also shows how shallow Edturd and Bawla's relationship is. Despite supposedly being in twoo wuv and spending all their time together, day and night, they never talked about the future or any important issues.
“That’s not it exactly,” I hedged. “I’m...afraid of Reneé. She has some really intense opinions on getting married before you’re thirty.”
- Bullshit. Since when does Bella care what her mother says?
- Her mom has been established as a useless cornflake who never bothers Bella with any rules or commands. Why does Bella suddenly feel like she has to obey her?
- AT EIGHTEEN.
- But hey, it's pretty obvious that Bella is lying. The "hedging" just shows it.
- Because troo lurv means lies and refusing a proposal for no reason.
“Because she’d rather you became one of the eternal damned than get married.” He laughed darkly.
“You think you’re joking.”
... is she seriously implying that her mom would be okay with vampirism but not marriage? Because if she's not lying, then Renee is even stupider than I thought.
Edward is dazed again by the sheer stupidity of Bella's willingness to become a vampire, but unwillingness to marry him.
“Well,” I interrupted. “What if I did? What if I told you to take me to Vegas now? Would I be a vampire in three days?”
... it doesn't take three days to drive to Vegas. Without sleeping or making many stops, you could be there in 20 hours.
But Bella is just bluffing, and even offers to wait a year and a half before becoming a vampire. And now that Edturd has found out something she DOESN'T want to do, he's determined that it's marriage or nothing. After all, now he can keep her human longer!
Because that's what troo lurv is about: manipulating each other!
“You’re impossible,” I groaned. “A monster.”
You know, if you gave most teen girls a hot, rich guy who perfectly fulfilled their dreams... I don't think they would be horrified at the idea of marrying them.
But I can see why Smeyer is. After all, she got married right out of her teens and started popping out babies right away, and I suspect she's resentful of this. This is really the point in the series when Smeyer starts splattering her weird issues with getting married young and having kids all over it, and the conflict between what she clearly wants and fulfilling the perfect-Mormon-wife/mom role.
“Would this have gone better if I’d had time to get a ring?”
“No! No rings!” I very nearly shouted.
"I have the feminine sexuality of a lumberjack! And I'm proud of that!"
But she stupidly wakes up Charlie, and he checks on her.
Of course, I still had the Carlisle option, but now that I knew there was a chance that Edward would change me himself, I wanted it bad. He was such a cheater.
Why the fuck does she want it? How is it "cheating"? WAS THIS WRITTEN BY A SIX YEAR OLD?
So Charlie comes in and gives her a lecture you would expect him to give a little kid rather than someone who has been a legal adult for several months.
“You know you’re in trouble.”
"Even though you're an adult and can go wherever you want as long as you don't take my money or use my property, you're in trouble!"
Charlie points out that Jacob couldn't tell him anything about where Bella went or why, and Bella was so unselfishly considerate that she couldn't bother to pick up a phone and TELL him where she was. Hey, good point. She had HOURS on the plane, airports and car, and she never picked up a fucking cell phone and sent him a message, "Hey Charlie, there was an emergency in Alice's family, and I'm with her. I'll be back soon."
“Can you give me one reason why I shouldn’t ship you off to Jacksonville this second?”
- I can give him several, including school and her job.
- Another is that shipping off another adult person without their consent IS KIDNAPPING YOU FUCKING BENT COP.
- Because Bella IS AN ADULT.
- Yes, she has been a selfish asshole who didn't bother to tell him what was going on, but that is not something punishment-worthy because SHE CAN GO WHERE SHE WANTS.
- Infantilize those women more! They're never REALLY adults - they're just sold off from one man to another! A man must always control them!
My eyes narrowed. So it was going to be threats, was it? Two could play at that game. I sat up, pulling the quilt around me. “Because I won’t go.”
- You call THAT a threat?
- On second thought, she's threatening to keep inflicting her presence on him... so yeah, a threat.
- Nothing says "assertive" like huddling in a quilt.
- Another sign of the kind of power Smeyer wishes she had had in her teens, but nobody actually has.
“Now just one minute, young lady-”
"Don't make me use my position to intimidate and manipulate even more people!"
So Bella "threatens" him by declaring that "you have the right to ground me for as long as you want" (no, he doesn't, because leaving unexpectedly IS NOT WRONG) and that she'll do all the chores and cleaning until he decides otherwise and can even kick her out of the house, but he can't make her go to Florida. Uh, I don't think Bawla knows how threats work.
Also, she ALREADY did all the chores and cleaning, because she's a woman. Charlie just sat on the couch and ate chips.
Well, Bella saying that he can punish her in almost any way possible is just too intimidating for Charlie, and he starts asking where she went. So Bella starts off with, “See, Alice told Rosalie about me jumping off the cliff....” Yes, she is that stupid - she just blurted that out, despite Charlie having had NO IDEA that she had done that.
So she BSes about how she was just swimming with Jacob and she TOTALLY WASN'T TRYING TO KILL HERSELF, and Rosalie told Edward about this and he got upset.
How would Rosalie know this? Why would Edturd be "upset" and think she was trying to kill herself if she was "swimming"? Charlie doesn't ask, because that would expose Bella as a massive liar.
Charlie’s face was frozen. “Were you trying to kill yourself, Bella?”
“No, of course not."
"The author would never write me as doing something SHE wouldn't do! So even though we're constantly told that I'm like Juliet, I'd never attempt suicide! Even if I keep trying to do things to kill myself."
“What’s it to Edward Cullen anyway?” he barked. “All this time, he’s just left you dangling without a word-”
I interrupted him. “Another misunderstanding.”
Considering how much Bella lies, you would think she'd be better at it. Yeah, they had a "misunderstanding" that involved him ditching her alone in the woods and moving away.
Yo, Smeyer. At some point Bella is either going to not be able to wallpaper over this sort of shit, or Charlie will just stop caring because clearly all these "misunderstandings" are blown out of proportion.
“I want you to stay away from him, Bella. I don’t trust him. He’s rotten for you. I won’t let him mess you up like that again.”
"Because for some reason I have control over who you see even though you're an adult and can do whatever you want and see whoever you want!"
So does Bella tell him that she's a grown woman and can see whom she likes? Nope. She says that she'll move out, like a pissy five-year-old.
In fact, the only reason she doesn't flounce out and yell "I hate you!" on her way out is that she literally thinks Charlie is about to drop dead. Even someone as monstrously self-absorbed as Bella can't shrug that off... well, not permanently.
“Dad, I don’t want to move out,” I said in a softer tone. “I love you. I know you’re worried, but you need to trust me on this. And you’re going to have to ease up on Edward if you want me to stay. Do you want me to live here or not?”
So... Charlie just said he didn't want her seeing Edturd, and her instant response is, "Fine! I'll move out! You're forcing me to!"
Except without an ultimatum, it just makes her sound like a brat who threatens to storm out whenever she doesn't get her way.
“That’s not fair, Bella. You know I want you to stay.”
- I have no idea why, though.
- I guess the free housekeeping, since Charlie seems to be pretty lazy when there's a woman to serve him.
- Guess how you can spot a bad author: all the characters have the same verbal tics and phrases. Like "not faaaaaaaiiiirrr!"
Bella just sneers about how she and Edward are totes together forever, and then "politely" tells Charlie to get out. If I were Charlie, I'd be busy wondering how the hell they went from "he left me forever and my life is destroyed" to "we're back together forever!" in the space of two days.
Either that, or I'd figure, "If she gets back together with him, she's bringing the inevitable suffering on herself. My sympathy is worn out." Maybe I'm being cold-hearted, but I refuse to bestow sympathy on people who keep reviving their toxic relationships and then whining when they break up.
Then again, if I were Charlie, I'd tell the ungrateful little bint to leave if she wants.
I threw off my quilt, and Edward was already there, sitting in the rocking chair as if he’d been present through the whole conversation.
And for some reason, his hand was down his pants.
“Don’t worry about it,” I breathed as I gathered up my bathroom things and a set of clean clothes. “I will start exactly as much as is necessary, and no more than that."
Because nothing says "I make my own decisions and control my own destiny" like "breathing" your words like Marilyn Monroe.
"Or are you trying to tell me I have nowhere to go?” I widened my eyes with false alarm.
Being presumptuous is charming.
His jaw tightened. “So eager for eternal damnation,” he muttered.
- So full of pompous dialogue.
- Also, Edturd doesn't seem to know the difference between being soulless and being damned.
- You can't be both at the same time.
In fact, Bella then challenges his stupid theological worldview by pointing out that if he truly believed this, he wouldn't have assumed they were both dead in Volterra. Edturd can't come up with a reply to that, because he's super-smart.
“So let’s both just be hopeful, all right?” I suggested. “Not that it matters. If you stay, I don’t need heaven.”
Well, good. Because there's no way either of you were going there anyway.
Then they say sappy things and make out, and I pray that my liver will survive to the end of this.