its hard to see through the tears .........
my granda died today..... it was about 14 years ago but still.... i kept telling myself that i would go visit her cause i pass her cemetary every day after class... but they close at 430 so there closed by the time that i get there..... but so today i didnt have to work or anything so i thought that i would finally visit her expecially since its the anavercery of her death.... i was talking to her and all of a sudden i just started balling...... i just told her how much that i miss her and how much that i need her because she is the reason that i am so strong... she is the reason i got through those nights that i was crying...... i jsut remember thinking how much i jsut wanted to hug her how much i just wanted her to be there and hug me and tell me that everything was going to be ok and confort me....how i just wish that i could feel her embrace.... i jsut told her that even tho she died when i was 6 she was still alive in my heart... that i never let her die that i would remember her foreve ad all that she did for me even after her passing.... and i jsut wish that she could be here for me so that i could lean on her.... cause thats all that i want right now someone that i can just cry to.... i dont know whats going on with me it started yesterday when i was volunteering and i had to keep telling myself not to cry then at the end of the night i guess it was jsut easier to be angry then to be sad so thats what i did...... i have never dreaded going nto work until this morning.. and i just didnt feel like pretending that i cared how peoples days were that day....maybe im not as monotone as i would like to think or that i do think that i am... aybe i am just that good at hiding it from even myself and eventually it hits me again.... i dont even remember being sad i just remember thinking that i was glad that i could finally cry that haard cry...... because if i cry hat means i had to have loved her right... that means that i am capable of loving someone right..... im not a hopless person that will end up alone and angry.....i guess i finally realized that its ok to show people that i am not always strong.... its just that sometimes i thikn that i haev to put up this front all the time i suppose and be strong for all those that are around me that need me more...... i just need a hug..... one of those hugs that just warms your heart....