Hi old Friend
It seems that i have a lot on my mind recently and i just havent been able to let it go ... but first with some happy news... my sister came for a sup visit and shes here for a week!!!
i went to volunteer at the hospital the other day cause i thought it would be good experiance to see what it really was like in the hospital.... it wasnt quite what i thought it would be. it made me question if nursing is really what i want to do... i dont really like sick people.. and a lot of them were onlder ... so then i thikn well i would want to be a ped nurse anyways .. but then i thikn would i really ba able to del with sick children all the time and seeing them in pain... and what if they died.. god forbid.....so then i started thinking ... maybe i would be better off going with the mental aspect of things... but then i also realize that i would never be able to find a job.... im just really confused... and its kinda stressing me out... so i figure ill take the volunteer position.. and maybe it was just that i wasnt used to it... that i didnt really know what to expect so it through me for a loop... but thats a year long commitment... what if i really dont like it and then im stuck with it for a year..... and then i think... well what else would i do... i dont really know anything that makes me happy... i mean theres singing but i cant really make that a career and im a horrible teacher so there goes that... its like im having a mid life crisis and im only 22 (well close enough)
and then i also think... im 22 and ive never had a relationship... its not that i want one now... its just that i thikn that it would be a good life experiance.... i dont really know what its like to have that... so how do i know that ill be able to do it in the future you know.... and i think ... how do i know that ill be secure enought to say no to something thats not good for me.... how do i know that i wont be so happy to have something that i hadent had that ill sacrifice some of the things that i know that i shouldnt.
another thing ive been thinking bout is God... do i really believe in him or do i just think that i do cause i have in the past... it jsut seems kinda like when i started to eat red meat again ... one of those things where your like why did i do that in the first place.... like i have no proof that he exists... i dont even really have an incling... all i have is what people tell me... i dont get those feelings that i can sence there is someone there ... or that there is after all a being larger then us... it seems more like an easy way to explain coincedances.....
i just wish that i could experiance this thing that people called love... cause i dont know that i ever have... i dont know what its like to have someone look at me and really believe that im great.... it just seems that everyone i know leaves me... ( i know not really but)
and ive recently discovered something about myself and my attachment to my grandmother.... my grandmother is so important to me because she jsut loved me... i never had those feelings that she didnt i jsut feel that no matter what i do... what mistakes i make that she will always love me.... ive never felt that way about anyone else...
maybe its just that i never felt that i was good enough to be loved like that ... maybe i thought that i jsut didnt deserve it.. i dont know its just how i feel.... there are just some times where i wish i could just get one of those real hugs.. that jsut make you feel better... that allow you to be weak and lets you know that there is someone out there that will be there for you when you need them... i jsut never allow them to cause im so afraid that thell leave me...
its hard sometimes being the strong responcible one.... but then i think of my sister and it makes me cry... it makes me think... if i wernt there would she be the person she is today... would she be so confidant and strong... and the thought that i could be a part of the reason that shes so strong just makes it all worth it... i would rather have it be me suffering then her....just sometimes i think ... well whos my strong one... who do i go to when i need them....
i always say its abi... lol shes the one that would come bail me out of jail when i do something stupid... cause thats jsut how it is with us.. i do something stupid and she bails me out of it.. lol
but then still i dont ever let my gaurd down all the way cause i can never tell if someone will hurt me... it just seem that i need a reall good cry... and some life experiance... but i guess im done for now ....
i went to volunteer at the hospital the other day cause i thought it would be good experiance to see what it really was like in the hospital.... it wasnt quite what i thought it would be. it made me question if nursing is really what i want to do... i dont really like sick people.. and a lot of them were onlder ... so then i thikn well i would want to be a ped nurse anyways .. but then i thikn would i really ba able to del with sick children all the time and seeing them in pain... and what if they died.. god forbid.....so then i started thinking ... maybe i would be better off going with the mental aspect of things... but then i also realize that i would never be able to find a job.... im just really confused... and its kinda stressing me out... so i figure ill take the volunteer position.. and maybe it was just that i wasnt used to it... that i didnt really know what to expect so it through me for a loop... but thats a year long commitment... what if i really dont like it and then im stuck with it for a year..... and then i think... well what else would i do... i dont really know anything that makes me happy... i mean theres singing but i cant really make that a career and im a horrible teacher so there goes that... its like im having a mid life crisis and im only 22 (well close enough)
and then i also think... im 22 and ive never had a relationship... its not that i want one now... its just that i thikn that it would be a good life experiance.... i dont really know what its like to have that... so how do i know that ill be able to do it in the future you know.... and i think ... how do i know that ill be secure enought to say no to something thats not good for me.... how do i know that i wont be so happy to have something that i hadent had that ill sacrifice some of the things that i know that i shouldnt.
another thing ive been thinking bout is God... do i really believe in him or do i just think that i do cause i have in the past... it jsut seems kinda like when i started to eat red meat again ... one of those things where your like why did i do that in the first place.... like i have no proof that he exists... i dont even really have an incling... all i have is what people tell me... i dont get those feelings that i can sence there is someone there ... or that there is after all a being larger then us... it seems more like an easy way to explain coincedances.....
i just wish that i could experiance this thing that people called love... cause i dont know that i ever have... i dont know what its like to have someone look at me and really believe that im great.... it just seems that everyone i know leaves me... ( i know not really but)
and ive recently discovered something about myself and my attachment to my grandmother.... my grandmother is so important to me because she jsut loved me... i never had those feelings that she didnt i jsut feel that no matter what i do... what mistakes i make that she will always love me.... ive never felt that way about anyone else...
maybe its just that i never felt that i was good enough to be loved like that ... maybe i thought that i jsut didnt deserve it.. i dont know its just how i feel.... there are just some times where i wish i could just get one of those real hugs.. that jsut make you feel better... that allow you to be weak and lets you know that there is someone out there that will be there for you when you need them... i jsut never allow them to cause im so afraid that thell leave me...
its hard sometimes being the strong responcible one.... but then i think of my sister and it makes me cry... it makes me think... if i wernt there would she be the person she is today... would she be so confidant and strong... and the thought that i could be a part of the reason that shes so strong just makes it all worth it... i would rather have it be me suffering then her....just sometimes i think ... well whos my strong one... who do i go to when i need them....
i always say its abi... lol shes the one that would come bail me out of jail when i do something stupid... cause thats jsut how it is with us.. i do something stupid and she bails me out of it.. lol
but then still i dont ever let my gaurd down all the way cause i can never tell if someone will hurt me... it just seem that i need a reall good cry... and some life experiance... but i guess im done for now ....