...i wish i knew other words than 'i dont know"...
its been such a long year. every time i think about it i feel like im back where i was a couple months ago. circles all the freaking time.. i want my life to be handed to me on a silver platter....here is what you're life is supposed to look like, this is what you need to do and who you need to do it with. give me a list of all the things im set to accomplish before i die..no questions asked. as long as im happy and in love ill be straight...thats all i want. no more confusion no more decisions no more fighting with my self...with others. no more sadness and loneliness, no more tears, no more hurting others..no more hurting myself.
mad props to everyone who thinks they've got this whole life thing figured out. cause i suck at life. i suck at a lot of things, but i guess sucking at kickball doesnt seem so bad when you cant keep yourself in a single direction. my life is like one of those really annoying rides at the fair that you think is gonna go one way then suddenly jerks the total opposite and you end up walking away nautious and empty feeling.
so heres me and far away, along a straight line is my future and college and becoming a doctor and all that...but all that seems too easy as is....sooooo to make up for the lack of challenge lets throw stuff and splash water on me as im trying to make it there..its like a big slip and slide, except not fun, not easy, and you dont get to slide on your butt the whole way there.
stupid people get in your way, stupid random problems, but one day you realize that nothing holds you back more in life than yourself...and then you just feel like kicking yourself in the ass. right now, and it may just be cause ive had this feeling lately, but i dont think theres much worst than thinking about yourself and thinking that you yourself are a failure. when you look around you, you see all the people you've let down, you see all the goals you've blown over, you see all the times you've fucked up. ultimately you feel like everything you could possibly be is somehow bad. you're stupid, youre a bitch, you're selfish and self-centered, arrogant and ignorant, you're in one word a failure.
i wanna be the girl that has that one thing going for her, the thing that other people look at and notice. the awesome talent, the incredibly brain, determination to spare, the future already planned out perfectly, the amazing flawless relationship, "the smile" to brighten, the eyes to melt, the looks to kill.
more than anything in the world i hate being a damn teenager...i hate doing this im sad lets get depressed about it bullshit....i hate thinking for even a minute that no one loves you and that you're all alone in the world, knowing damn well that more than enough people would kill for you. i guess you just cant help getting down sometimes. just wanting to lay in your bed with your pillow and the saddest songs you have playing in the background. and oddly enough that makes you feel so much better.
i promised myself i'd figure this all out....i just cant do it fast enough.
i just cant deal with these days anymore. the constant fighting, being down, then being ok and back and forth. it doesnt really help a sad girl out. i cant stand being blamed for things i dont see as my fault, being made to feel like a horrible person, feeling like you lost everything you had in a snap, going from completely understanding to not knowing a damn thing....i guess i just wanna understand everything again. i wanna know that what im doing with myself is gonna help me out, and where im trying to get myself headed isnt gonna be a waste of time.
im sure someone understands all this...if not, good job, you beating life at its own game.
nite.
mad props to everyone who thinks they've got this whole life thing figured out. cause i suck at life. i suck at a lot of things, but i guess sucking at kickball doesnt seem so bad when you cant keep yourself in a single direction. my life is like one of those really annoying rides at the fair that you think is gonna go one way then suddenly jerks the total opposite and you end up walking away nautious and empty feeling.
so heres me and far away, along a straight line is my future and college and becoming a doctor and all that...but all that seems too easy as is....sooooo to make up for the lack of challenge lets throw stuff and splash water on me as im trying to make it there..its like a big slip and slide, except not fun, not easy, and you dont get to slide on your butt the whole way there.
stupid people get in your way, stupid random problems, but one day you realize that nothing holds you back more in life than yourself...and then you just feel like kicking yourself in the ass. right now, and it may just be cause ive had this feeling lately, but i dont think theres much worst than thinking about yourself and thinking that you yourself are a failure. when you look around you, you see all the people you've let down, you see all the goals you've blown over, you see all the times you've fucked up. ultimately you feel like everything you could possibly be is somehow bad. you're stupid, youre a bitch, you're selfish and self-centered, arrogant and ignorant, you're in one word a failure.
i wanna be the girl that has that one thing going for her, the thing that other people look at and notice. the awesome talent, the incredibly brain, determination to spare, the future already planned out perfectly, the amazing flawless relationship, "the smile" to brighten, the eyes to melt, the looks to kill.
more than anything in the world i hate being a damn teenager...i hate doing this im sad lets get depressed about it bullshit....i hate thinking for even a minute that no one loves you and that you're all alone in the world, knowing damn well that more than enough people would kill for you. i guess you just cant help getting down sometimes. just wanting to lay in your bed with your pillow and the saddest songs you have playing in the background. and oddly enough that makes you feel so much better.
i promised myself i'd figure this all out....i just cant do it fast enough.
i just cant deal with these days anymore. the constant fighting, being down, then being ok and back and forth. it doesnt really help a sad girl out. i cant stand being blamed for things i dont see as my fault, being made to feel like a horrible person, feeling like you lost everything you had in a snap, going from completely understanding to not knowing a damn thing....i guess i just wanna understand everything again. i wanna know that what im doing with myself is gonna help me out, and where im trying to get myself headed isnt gonna be a waste of time.
im sure someone understands all this...if not, good job, you beating life at its own game.
nite.