Life is the Messy Bits
I've had a lot on my mind the last few weeks.
My grandfather passed away at the end of February and I've been dealing with that. I've been feeling rather listless and sad and its hard to feel enthusiastic about anything really. I know it will pass but I'm just tired. The man that was my grandfather slowly disappeared and it was just heart breaking to see it. Mom, understandably is not feeling like company and although my brother came to visit it really wasn't for the best circumstances. He drug up a lot of the past and it just hurt. I even broke down crying once or twice because I was just so upset and flustered. Mom tried to help and while she's a lot more sympathetic when she used to be, being with my family is like living in an alternate reality. They remember life the way it affected them and so to tell them that stuff happened that they weren't around for or that things weren't that way for me is almost an impossible thing to get across to them.
Its why I HATE family gatherings.
It was after I got home from emotional Everest that I got hit with the security deposit request. Even my freaking landlord had me in near tears. I could see his point its just been so hard to save much of anything when you only get $742 a month and your utilities aren't a fixed quantity. I have to hope and pray that everything works well and that my budget works out after all. Things are getting better but being slapped with a $200 pet deposit was not expected (nor was the huge heating bills). To top it off I've had one bill collector who is being a #$%#@. (Words that fit this company are too vile for even me to say on my own blog) I've explained my situation to them and they wanted to know if I was getting an inheritance from my grandfather's death.
I hope they rot in hell.
I've been applying for work but as with anything its an apply then wait for them to get back to you process. I'm still volunteering but I had to take a few mental health days to recuperate from everything. I'm getting back into the swing of things slowly. I've got plans to do a training and this time I'm breaking things down to smaller and manageable chunks.
Life will get better. It always does. Its just I've been hit with a lot lately. I've just got to be gentle with myself and keep moving forward.
I had a dream I was working on a scroll and people hated it but kept wanting me to work on it. They critiqued me and offered suggestions that did more to fluster me than anything and then just when it got to a point where I was done with it and the negative comments went away. It went blank.
I suppose its a metaphor for life. You work hard and you do your best but the challenges will always keep coming. And often we think we are worse than we are.
I just have to keep moving forward.
My grandfather passed away at the end of February and I've been dealing with that. I've been feeling rather listless and sad and its hard to feel enthusiastic about anything really. I know it will pass but I'm just tired. The man that was my grandfather slowly disappeared and it was just heart breaking to see it. Mom, understandably is not feeling like company and although my brother came to visit it really wasn't for the best circumstances. He drug up a lot of the past and it just hurt. I even broke down crying once or twice because I was just so upset and flustered. Mom tried to help and while she's a lot more sympathetic when she used to be, being with my family is like living in an alternate reality. They remember life the way it affected them and so to tell them that stuff happened that they weren't around for or that things weren't that way for me is almost an impossible thing to get across to them.
Its why I HATE family gatherings.
It was after I got home from emotional Everest that I got hit with the security deposit request. Even my freaking landlord had me in near tears. I could see his point its just been so hard to save much of anything when you only get $742 a month and your utilities aren't a fixed quantity. I have to hope and pray that everything works well and that my budget works out after all. Things are getting better but being slapped with a $200 pet deposit was not expected (nor was the huge heating bills). To top it off I've had one bill collector who is being a #$%#@. (Words that fit this company are too vile for even me to say on my own blog) I've explained my situation to them and they wanted to know if I was getting an inheritance from my grandfather's death.
I hope they rot in hell.
I've been applying for work but as with anything its an apply then wait for them to get back to you process. I'm still volunteering but I had to take a few mental health days to recuperate from everything. I'm getting back into the swing of things slowly. I've got plans to do a training and this time I'm breaking things down to smaller and manageable chunks.
Life will get better. It always does. Its just I've been hit with a lot lately. I've just got to be gentle with myself and keep moving forward.
I had a dream I was working on a scroll and people hated it but kept wanting me to work on it. They critiqued me and offered suggestions that did more to fluster me than anything and then just when it got to a point where I was done with it and the negative comments went away. It went blank.
I suppose its a metaphor for life. You work hard and you do your best but the challenges will always keep coming. And often we think we are worse than we are.
I just have to keep moving forward.