(no subject)
ah yes, the wonders of the online journal. Giving me something to do here in the wee hours of the morning. Prepare for inner ramblings in 3...2...1...
today has been a strange one. i felt a strange deja vu when i started typing, but then i remembered that i actually already posted once today. that was after my first 4 hour nap today. after playing tennis in the heat and then posting that last post, i fell back asleep on the couch for nearly another 4 hours. I think that total amount of sleep has me caught up until thursday maybe. Thank goodness for that. I said you should never nap for more than you sleep at night. Never have i napped nearly a 1/3 of a week's sleep in one afternoon
one of my friends had a big party over at his place tonight. i elected to watch the "This is Sportscenter" behind the scenes dealie before i went over, and in the process missed out on a lot of the new kids. i do hear that there are many cute girls in the freshman class which shines hope down for this school year and my social life.
it's very refreshing to feel like something cool is going to happen. i'm almost in an anxious state waiting to see what transpires over the course of this year. I totally smoked both of my quizes this week, getting me off to a good start for the school year. My apartment is sooo boss and i've come to the realization that my roommate and i have grown very close to each other in a relatively short period of time. it's also nice to know there are people that care about you. either that or everybody has gotten together behind my back so all their bs stories are the same
i was having such a nice time talking to everybody tonight. my class is so close knit what with everything that we've gone through together. everything was going great.
then
totally out of the blue
one of my lady friends asked me what ever happened between me and a girl that i've spoken of in this journal. like, right in front of other people. i didnt know this girl knew anything about any of that and certainly knew that everybody else there didnt. only 1 other girl heard the question, and she proceeded to crane her neck in with interest to hear what i had to say
a little background for the casual reader. over the course of the summer i became very good friends with a girl in my class. at the start i saw it as a positive thing for both of us because we were both in the process of moving on in our lives (she more recent than i). i apparently have developed an affinity for other people as i dont like to be lonely for very long (must be the whole "live with someone for over a year" withdrawal). as a side note, i had also made up my mind that dating someone in my class was totally retarded and therefore entered the friendship with no aspirations of taking the relationship to any higher level than just good friends
she found out about my same-class dating philosophies and it seemed like she was bothered by them. we talked it seemed like nonstop for several weeks on end. it was so refreshing to have someone to talk to about whatever. not to knock on amanda, but it was also really nice to have someone i felt was on my same level or above. you can imagine it wasnt long before we were jinxing ourselves and finishing sentences and the like. at the beginning, i felt like maybe she was wanting something different than i was, but since i had no interest, i didnt really pay much attention. maybe i was totally wrong, and since i'm talking past tense here, it really doesnt mean crap so who cares
at some point over the course of coming to grips with how cool this girl was, i guess i started liking her in a 'want a relationship' sense. then it started to be awkward. i'm glad it happened during the summertime when i didnt have anything else i needed to be thinking about, because i reverted to my over-analytical self again, probably only making things more weird. for the most part, it seemed like we were going in that direction though. The afternoon of Cantaloupe-Gate, we stayed on the couch until 5 that morning. It was after this event where i think things totally changed between us. the first kiss (a small historic moment for me, another step in the 'amanda is gone' checklist). this is where my warped 1920s view of relationships perhaps got the best of me.
i dont like having any type of physical aspects to a relationship without exclusion (see post entitled "Casual Sex: There is no such thing")
this resulted in me totally clamming up in some situations in which the opportunity for physicality either presented itself or could be conceived without much mental effort (i.e. me thinking to myself "if i were a normal guy, i think this is when i should start the making out. oh well")
i felt somewhat pressured. something i wish i never ever knew about this girl is that she was just casually having sex with one of my other friends. i guess she just needed it/missed it from former relationship and my friend would be absolutely retarded not to let it happen. this was such a turn off for me it almost made me physically sick. here i am, totally liking this girl, with the gut feeling of "if we even get to the going out phase, what chance do i have for making it work if i wont put out until the honeymoon?"
this had a negative effect on the progression of our relationship. I wish it hadnt, but i cant help but think so. things didnt feel the same, more awkward and less sincere for lack of a better description.
fast forward to this evening
so what ever happened with you and so and so?
after i nearly spit my mountain dew everywhere in a shocked fashion, i fumbled for some kind of answer. i said i didnt really know. that's the most truthful thing i could think of. if the other person hadnt been listening, maybe the inquisitor and i would have talked about things, but since i found out just how fast news travels through our class i elected not to (some girls that i never talk to came up to me today and said "so jeremy i hear that you dont like it when girls play poker with you" WTF???)
i guess i dont really know what happened. i feel like she wasnt ready for a relationship then, nor now really either. i also felt like there were some things that she was actively seeking out a guy that i couldnt or didnt want to provide. we both wanted different things. i guess that's what it all boils down to. I can definitely say the entire experience was a very positive one, as we both still talk at length with each other quite frequently.
i'm still pretty sure she's having the casual sex with that guy. i hope it stopped while we were having our us time or whatever it was called, but i'm also pretty sure that it started back up not long after our us time was over. i dont like this fact. it might even make me kind of angry for some reason. i've been trying to think of why but i cant really put a finger on it
i could be entirely wrong. i'm not an idiot though. and i'm also not the only one that's noticed that there is a high probability that the casual sex is happening again. i wish i never knew. is this slight irritation a hint of jealousy that's tugging at me? i cant really say that either. it's not like this guy is getting the sex that i would be getting or could have gotten since i dont partake in the first place, so that cant be it right?
her asking me that question single handedly ruined my night.
i had tried not to think about it since we hang out with each other quite frequently. no sense in bringing up something like that because it's not going to accomplish anything (thus why i'm dumping all of this into my LJ so i dont end up talking to her about it and making things more awkward). unless of course she reads this somehow, but i doubt she kept the link to this dealie in the first place. if she is reading this and you feel like talking about what exactly happened, dont hesitate to bring it up one night. closure would be great, but i'm pretty content with just having nagging questions that i only think about every week or so. therefore it's up to you
i bet all the people that have me listed as a friend really hate posts of this length. that is a lot of inner monologue to digest, and this is just the stuff that i remember thinking about earlier. i apologize, per usual, for being so long winded in my boredom
well i guess i'll go to bed for the 4th time in 24 hours. weee
later
-jeremy
today has been a strange one. i felt a strange deja vu when i started typing, but then i remembered that i actually already posted once today. that was after my first 4 hour nap today. after playing tennis in the heat and then posting that last post, i fell back asleep on the couch for nearly another 4 hours. I think that total amount of sleep has me caught up until thursday maybe. Thank goodness for that. I said you should never nap for more than you sleep at night. Never have i napped nearly a 1/3 of a week's sleep in one afternoon
one of my friends had a big party over at his place tonight. i elected to watch the "This is Sportscenter" behind the scenes dealie before i went over, and in the process missed out on a lot of the new kids. i do hear that there are many cute girls in the freshman class which shines hope down for this school year and my social life.
it's very refreshing to feel like something cool is going to happen. i'm almost in an anxious state waiting to see what transpires over the course of this year. I totally smoked both of my quizes this week, getting me off to a good start for the school year. My apartment is sooo boss and i've come to the realization that my roommate and i have grown very close to each other in a relatively short period of time. it's also nice to know there are people that care about you. either that or everybody has gotten together behind my back so all their bs stories are the same
i was having such a nice time talking to everybody tonight. my class is so close knit what with everything that we've gone through together. everything was going great.
then
totally out of the blue
one of my lady friends asked me what ever happened between me and a girl that i've spoken of in this journal. like, right in front of other people. i didnt know this girl knew anything about any of that and certainly knew that everybody else there didnt. only 1 other girl heard the question, and she proceeded to crane her neck in with interest to hear what i had to say
a little background for the casual reader. over the course of the summer i became very good friends with a girl in my class. at the start i saw it as a positive thing for both of us because we were both in the process of moving on in our lives (she more recent than i). i apparently have developed an affinity for other people as i dont like to be lonely for very long (must be the whole "live with someone for over a year" withdrawal). as a side note, i had also made up my mind that dating someone in my class was totally retarded and therefore entered the friendship with no aspirations of taking the relationship to any higher level than just good friends
she found out about my same-class dating philosophies and it seemed like she was bothered by them. we talked it seemed like nonstop for several weeks on end. it was so refreshing to have someone to talk to about whatever. not to knock on amanda, but it was also really nice to have someone i felt was on my same level or above. you can imagine it wasnt long before we were jinxing ourselves and finishing sentences and the like. at the beginning, i felt like maybe she was wanting something different than i was, but since i had no interest, i didnt really pay much attention. maybe i was totally wrong, and since i'm talking past tense here, it really doesnt mean crap so who cares
at some point over the course of coming to grips with how cool this girl was, i guess i started liking her in a 'want a relationship' sense. then it started to be awkward. i'm glad it happened during the summertime when i didnt have anything else i needed to be thinking about, because i reverted to my over-analytical self again, probably only making things more weird. for the most part, it seemed like we were going in that direction though. The afternoon of Cantaloupe-Gate, we stayed on the couch until 5 that morning. It was after this event where i think things totally changed between us. the first kiss (a small historic moment for me, another step in the 'amanda is gone' checklist). this is where my warped 1920s view of relationships perhaps got the best of me.
i dont like having any type of physical aspects to a relationship without exclusion (see post entitled "Casual Sex: There is no such thing")
this resulted in me totally clamming up in some situations in which the opportunity for physicality either presented itself or could be conceived without much mental effort (i.e. me thinking to myself "if i were a normal guy, i think this is when i should start the making out. oh well")
i felt somewhat pressured. something i wish i never ever knew about this girl is that she was just casually having sex with one of my other friends. i guess she just needed it/missed it from former relationship and my friend would be absolutely retarded not to let it happen. this was such a turn off for me it almost made me physically sick. here i am, totally liking this girl, with the gut feeling of "if we even get to the going out phase, what chance do i have for making it work if i wont put out until the honeymoon?"
this had a negative effect on the progression of our relationship. I wish it hadnt, but i cant help but think so. things didnt feel the same, more awkward and less sincere for lack of a better description.
fast forward to this evening
so what ever happened with you and so and so?
after i nearly spit my mountain dew everywhere in a shocked fashion, i fumbled for some kind of answer. i said i didnt really know. that's the most truthful thing i could think of. if the other person hadnt been listening, maybe the inquisitor and i would have talked about things, but since i found out just how fast news travels through our class i elected not to (some girls that i never talk to came up to me today and said "so jeremy i hear that you dont like it when girls play poker with you" WTF???)
i guess i dont really know what happened. i feel like she wasnt ready for a relationship then, nor now really either. i also felt like there were some things that she was actively seeking out a guy that i couldnt or didnt want to provide. we both wanted different things. i guess that's what it all boils down to. I can definitely say the entire experience was a very positive one, as we both still talk at length with each other quite frequently.
i'm still pretty sure she's having the casual sex with that guy. i hope it stopped while we were having our us time or whatever it was called, but i'm also pretty sure that it started back up not long after our us time was over. i dont like this fact. it might even make me kind of angry for some reason. i've been trying to think of why but i cant really put a finger on it
i could be entirely wrong. i'm not an idiot though. and i'm also not the only one that's noticed that there is a high probability that the casual sex is happening again. i wish i never knew. is this slight irritation a hint of jealousy that's tugging at me? i cant really say that either. it's not like this guy is getting the sex that i would be getting or could have gotten since i dont partake in the first place, so that cant be it right?
her asking me that question single handedly ruined my night.
i had tried not to think about it since we hang out with each other quite frequently. no sense in bringing up something like that because it's not going to accomplish anything (thus why i'm dumping all of this into my LJ so i dont end up talking to her about it and making things more awkward). unless of course she reads this somehow, but i doubt she kept the link to this dealie in the first place. if she is reading this and you feel like talking about what exactly happened, dont hesitate to bring it up one night. closure would be great, but i'm pretty content with just having nagging questions that i only think about every week or so. therefore it's up to you
i bet all the people that have me listed as a friend really hate posts of this length. that is a lot of inner monologue to digest, and this is just the stuff that i remember thinking about earlier. i apologize, per usual, for being so long winded in my boredom
well i guess i'll go to bed for the 4th time in 24 hours. weee
later
-jeremy