It's hard for me to say...
Evening guys and dolls. I hope that wherever you are the weather is much nicer than it is down our way. For over a week we've had nothing but wind, rain (lots and lots of bloody rain!) and extremely cold temperatures. At least we've avoided any flooding or power cuts though so it isn't all bad. Apart from the weather I have done an act of supreme bravery this week; I emailed N.L. if you can believe it. I was absolutely crapping myself when I did but it was worth it in the end because we ended up talking for a couple of hours. I haven't been so happy in a very long time therrefore I'm taking it as a good sign that things are headed in the right direction.
The big issue however is my health. On a day to day basis I struggle to get things done because moving is difficult/painful. This week has been worse than usual thanks to the cold and the damp. Today has been the worst day of the year so far. Despite three layers of clothing, two pairs of socks and a little cat on my lap I've still been freezing cold. Any kind of movement has been utter agony. My back, leg and arm have felt as if they've been filled with crushed glass and my meds (which were doubled at the hospital last month) have done nothing to alleviate the pain. My head has been dizzy and I've had a dreadful case of the shakes all day. In short - I have felt like complete and utter shit!
Difficult as it is for me to admit the one thing I have wanted and needed (and I hate to need anything) is someone to take care of me. Just imagine it; you're thirsty but your hands are shaking so badly you can't rely on them to hold a kettle. Hunger pangs hit but because of your lightheadedness, combined with the aforementioned trembling of the hands, you simply aren't safe to wield a bread knife or use the oven. Besides with the excruciating pain in your back and leg the idea of tackling the stairs is terrifying, plus you wouldn't be able to hang on to the bannister for much needed support.
I'm not saying I want a housemaid, to run around catering to my every whim. I intensely dislike a person constantly fussing over me, asking if I need anything, telling me what's best for me etc. etc.. Frankly it pisses me off no end when I can't do even the simplest of things for myself. I feel like a useless lump and that it would be a kindness to put a bullet in my head. Also, as I've mentioned in one of my previous journal entries, I don't want to inflict any of this on another person especially somebody that I love. I don't see an easy or simple answer to any of this. I'd rather suffer alone than be a martyr because at least that way I don't have to let anyone know how hard things are for me. I couldn't bear the guilt that I know I would feel for causing them to worry about pathetic, old me.
Okay that about wraps things up fpr tonight. I'm still two hours away from my final dose of meds for the day and the lure of the partial comfort my bed offers is calling to me. I may have to succumb even if sleep isn't on the table until later tonight. Be good my munchkins and wherever it is you are in this big old world of ours look after yourselves and remember to appreciate the things you have and the people in your lives. Until next time!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
The big issue however is my health. On a day to day basis I struggle to get things done because moving is difficult/painful. This week has been worse than usual thanks to the cold and the damp. Today has been the worst day of the year so far. Despite three layers of clothing, two pairs of socks and a little cat on my lap I've still been freezing cold. Any kind of movement has been utter agony. My back, leg and arm have felt as if they've been filled with crushed glass and my meds (which were doubled at the hospital last month) have done nothing to alleviate the pain. My head has been dizzy and I've had a dreadful case of the shakes all day. In short - I have felt like complete and utter shit!
Difficult as it is for me to admit the one thing I have wanted and needed (and I hate to need anything) is someone to take care of me. Just imagine it; you're thirsty but your hands are shaking so badly you can't rely on them to hold a kettle. Hunger pangs hit but because of your lightheadedness, combined with the aforementioned trembling of the hands, you simply aren't safe to wield a bread knife or use the oven. Besides with the excruciating pain in your back and leg the idea of tackling the stairs is terrifying, plus you wouldn't be able to hang on to the bannister for much needed support.
I'm not saying I want a housemaid, to run around catering to my every whim. I intensely dislike a person constantly fussing over me, asking if I need anything, telling me what's best for me etc. etc.. Frankly it pisses me off no end when I can't do even the simplest of things for myself. I feel like a useless lump and that it would be a kindness to put a bullet in my head. Also, as I've mentioned in one of my previous journal entries, I don't want to inflict any of this on another person especially somebody that I love. I don't see an easy or simple answer to any of this. I'd rather suffer alone than be a martyr because at least that way I don't have to let anyone know how hard things are for me. I couldn't bear the guilt that I know I would feel for causing them to worry about pathetic, old me.
Okay that about wraps things up fpr tonight. I'm still two hours away from my final dose of meds for the day and the lure of the partial comfort my bed offers is calling to me. I may have to succumb even if sleep isn't on the table until later tonight. Be good my munchkins and wherever it is you are in this big old world of ours look after yourselves and remember to appreciate the things you have and the people in your lives. Until next time!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo