only love can break your heart
I know, give me the guff of deleting/undelleting this journal all the time. It's just wasted words.
Anyways, this times reason is because on this night I've talked to someone from my past, and have also sat at this computer for the first time in nearly two months looking through old folders and pictures that all should of been deleted, and well shit, I got nostalgic.
Sitting here, I've realized alot. This room I've escaped from for about two months now holds too many memories; both good and bad; both of which I want to get away from. It's been weird, lately I've been getting these urgancies of simplicity and nothingness. Like ... just white. I truly do think( for the most part ) I've 'given up the ghost'. and Henry Miller was right, everything has followed ... with dead certainty. It's almost the hardest but easiest thing ever. It is steps, big ones to small ones, to even bigger ones, to just nothing. I guess I know alot about 'giving up', but I don't think it's a bad thing.
I may have messed up, and I may have done some things unforgivable; but that's over. I dont know what else to do or say or believe. I'm stuck on this nothiness and just living/forgetting.
The past two months of my life have been such a mess and cluttered, I even uttered "the worst days of my life" somewhere in there. But in the dark, dark reality in it, ( as much as I don't want to say this, or go along with it ) I think it has done for the better. I tore hair and nail out, drank my body lifeless and ruined days and nights on drugs, all becasuse of teenageships, it's out of this world to me. My ideologies on alot have changed. Now I know I speak like I'm some new bright and sunny fresh from camp, I will admit that it is still hard, but it's becoming more and more evident to me of what matters, and maybe what didnt. "times like this make us stronger" - fuck I hope so because I almost lost it all, everything.
Give up. Stop caring. Do what you want. I think the hardest thing to a determined motivated person like myself is knowing there are somethings ( and people ) you can't change. I'm only eighteen and feel like I should of realized this years ago, but I guess timing never was my thing. I'm growing up. I always was growing up, we all are.
I really don't know what to do. I've wasted many notebooks of paper scrambling down this and that, but this is the first time I almost regret it. Not regret, but remorseful. I just don't think I want relationships with people of any sort. I just thought I had to write this down on here. So maybe next time I'm thinking the world will end I'll flip through this and know that misery looks for us, and misery will find us.
I probably wont be writing in this much, or atleast I don't want to. I really just want to remember the two or three years of my prime youth. Besides, it's just words.
To everyone I have ever mistreated, or hurt: my deepest apologies. I've got alot to learn.
I'LL PROBABLY DELETE THIS WITHIN THE NEXT FEW DAYS
THERE IS A LIGHT AND IT NEVER GOES OUT.
Anyways, this times reason is because on this night I've talked to someone from my past, and have also sat at this computer for the first time in nearly two months looking through old folders and pictures that all should of been deleted, and well shit, I got nostalgic.
Sitting here, I've realized alot. This room I've escaped from for about two months now holds too many memories; both good and bad; both of which I want to get away from. It's been weird, lately I've been getting these urgancies of simplicity and nothingness. Like ... just white. I truly do think( for the most part ) I've 'given up the ghost'. and Henry Miller was right, everything has followed ... with dead certainty. It's almost the hardest but easiest thing ever. It is steps, big ones to small ones, to even bigger ones, to just nothing. I guess I know alot about 'giving up', but I don't think it's a bad thing.
I may have messed up, and I may have done some things unforgivable; but that's over. I dont know what else to do or say or believe. I'm stuck on this nothiness and just living/forgetting.
The past two months of my life have been such a mess and cluttered, I even uttered "the worst days of my life" somewhere in there. But in the dark, dark reality in it, ( as much as I don't want to say this, or go along with it ) I think it has done for the better. I tore hair and nail out, drank my body lifeless and ruined days and nights on drugs, all becasuse of teenageships, it's out of this world to me. My ideologies on alot have changed. Now I know I speak like I'm some new bright and sunny fresh from camp, I will admit that it is still hard, but it's becoming more and more evident to me of what matters, and maybe what didnt. "times like this make us stronger" - fuck I hope so because I almost lost it all, everything.
Give up. Stop caring. Do what you want. I think the hardest thing to a determined motivated person like myself is knowing there are somethings ( and people ) you can't change. I'm only eighteen and feel like I should of realized this years ago, but I guess timing never was my thing. I'm growing up. I always was growing up, we all are.
I really don't know what to do. I've wasted many notebooks of paper scrambling down this and that, but this is the first time I almost regret it. Not regret, but remorseful. I just don't think I want relationships with people of any sort. I just thought I had to write this down on here. So maybe next time I'm thinking the world will end I'll flip through this and know that misery looks for us, and misery will find us.
I probably wont be writing in this much, or atleast I don't want to. I really just want to remember the two or three years of my prime youth. Besides, it's just words.
To everyone I have ever mistreated, or hurt: my deepest apologies. I've got alot to learn.
I'LL PROBABLY DELETE THIS WITHIN THE NEXT FEW DAYS
THERE IS A LIGHT AND IT NEVER GOES OUT.