Hello Seatle, I am a mountaineer in the hills and highlands.
Last night, I stayed up all night reading three books in the Sookie Stackhouse series. For those of you who don't know, it is a series of novels by Charlaine Harris and the HBO series True Blood is based upon the first book and a very small part of the second. I am not sure what made me what to stay up all evening reading. Despite the fact that I bascially need an IV of coffee this morning, I think it was really good for me. I have been growing stress with my living situation and the tension between my two roommates that has sucked me in, I am stress with school and my quickly approaching graduationg and the reality that I cannot postpone it, and on top of it all simply crap from my parents and friends about the 'big' questions like 'What are you going to do when you graduate?" and "What are you going to do with your life?".
I'm 20 freaking years old people! I am not ready to decided how I want to spend my remaining days on this earth! I think that I really just want to go overseas and travel for a while. I know that this is like the sterotypical graduation plan, oh I'll just go travel. But I truly want to experience something that I haven't done before. I told my mom that I wanted to fail. Fail isn't quite the right word but I want to do something where I am not expected to be a better person when I am done or to have accomplished something great. I've done a lot of that already. Because of the Girl Scouts, I haven't done community service hours since my high school graduation. Not that I don't enjoy community service work, I just needed a new chapter in my life for a little while. I will set a time limit to this 'failing' as I'm calling it. I graduate in December of 2009, so I will either return for graduate school in August of 2010 or January of 2011. I'm not quite sure yet but I know that if I don't set this time then I will never want to return. I am also looking into an independence study programs overseas so that I could take a couple of classes for my graduate program while doing my 'failing'. But I suppose that is for future thought and I should focus on getting my Bachelor's first.
But this reading fest has lightened my spirits. I left for Christmas break a very depressed and stressed out person. I was snappy with everyone and never wanted to see my friends because I was so sick of thier bullshit and stupidity. It was anything and everything just made me angry. But going home was good and I am determined not to let myself be that person again. So I have been taking steps to keep everything under control this semester. Katye (one of my roommates) and I have been coloring pictures of Tinkerbell and other Disney fairies and decorating the living room/dining room and the kitchen. It is very childish and lame and honestly, at 20, should we really be coloring like this? But it is soooo relaxing. I am able to just take 20 to 30 minutes out of my day and color some of my picture and then return to whatever homework I have.
I am also taking a Harry Potter Fantasy Literature class which is both a blessing and a curse at the same time. It is a blessing in that I am able to read books that I enjoy and think about how religions and God is written into the manuscript. For instance, we are currently reading the Lord of the Rings. I had never read them before and it is really interesting to see what Tolkin has to say about the novels and what he wanted to accomplish with them and see if I can find the same things within his stories. Next is the actual Harry Potter books so that is exciting because it has been a long time since I have sat down and read them in their entirety.
And my love for photography is growing in ways that I did not expect. I have enjoyed taking pictures for a couple of years now and while they are not anything great, it gives me an awesome outlet to the world. I have been photographing the FSU rugby games and it is so much fun. I am learning about the game and semi-making new friends (I meet most of the at the socials that night and then there is drinking involved and no one remembers anyone later). But I know that they guys on the team are liking the pictures and getting to see shots of the game. I don't want to take pictures professionally, ever, but I very much want to continue to learn about how to set up shots and play with exposures and view points. I really love pictures of the simple things, but generally taken very close up (what I wouldn't give for a macro lens! Damn them and their $800 cost!). I am not sure why I really like these pictures, I think it originates in my desire to see the beauty in the simplicity of the world and to find an almost unrecognizable view of something that we look at everyday.
I suppose this is all that I really have to say about anything. I am slowly falling in love with sending my best friends small notes of encouragment to let him know that I still love him and miss him. I am questioning the fact that I seem to only have friendships where I don't have to talk to the person frequently. While I love it and it makes everything so much more amazing when I do get the chance to talk to them, it is hard on the day to day because I don't just have that person to go to and talk about the bullshit. Brooke is becoming that person but I am weary because I don't know where I am going to be in a month, 6 months, or even a year. I am scared of being a developing a really close friendship where I do need that frequent contact and them things changing in the near future and losing it. I suppose this could be considered in that whole you don't know until you try idea but I am scared to try something new, scared to be someone that I don't think I can be. Maybe that means that I do not really want to 'fail' after graduation but rather I want to be redesigned into the person that I know I can be inside but am too scared to allow to come out.
I'm 20 freaking years old people! I am not ready to decided how I want to spend my remaining days on this earth! I think that I really just want to go overseas and travel for a while. I know that this is like the sterotypical graduation plan, oh I'll just go travel. But I truly want to experience something that I haven't done before. I told my mom that I wanted to fail. Fail isn't quite the right word but I want to do something where I am not expected to be a better person when I am done or to have accomplished something great. I've done a lot of that already. Because of the Girl Scouts, I haven't done community service hours since my high school graduation. Not that I don't enjoy community service work, I just needed a new chapter in my life for a little while. I will set a time limit to this 'failing' as I'm calling it. I graduate in December of 2009, so I will either return for graduate school in August of 2010 or January of 2011. I'm not quite sure yet but I know that if I don't set this time then I will never want to return. I am also looking into an independence study programs overseas so that I could take a couple of classes for my graduate program while doing my 'failing'. But I suppose that is for future thought and I should focus on getting my Bachelor's first.
But this reading fest has lightened my spirits. I left for Christmas break a very depressed and stressed out person. I was snappy with everyone and never wanted to see my friends because I was so sick of thier bullshit and stupidity. It was anything and everything just made me angry. But going home was good and I am determined not to let myself be that person again. So I have been taking steps to keep everything under control this semester. Katye (one of my roommates) and I have been coloring pictures of Tinkerbell and other Disney fairies and decorating the living room/dining room and the kitchen. It is very childish and lame and honestly, at 20, should we really be coloring like this? But it is soooo relaxing. I am able to just take 20 to 30 minutes out of my day and color some of my picture and then return to whatever homework I have.
I am also taking a Harry Potter Fantasy Literature class which is both a blessing and a curse at the same time. It is a blessing in that I am able to read books that I enjoy and think about how religions and God is written into the manuscript. For instance, we are currently reading the Lord of the Rings. I had never read them before and it is really interesting to see what Tolkin has to say about the novels and what he wanted to accomplish with them and see if I can find the same things within his stories. Next is the actual Harry Potter books so that is exciting because it has been a long time since I have sat down and read them in their entirety.
And my love for photography is growing in ways that I did not expect. I have enjoyed taking pictures for a couple of years now and while they are not anything great, it gives me an awesome outlet to the world. I have been photographing the FSU rugby games and it is so much fun. I am learning about the game and semi-making new friends (I meet most of the at the socials that night and then there is drinking involved and no one remembers anyone later). But I know that they guys on the team are liking the pictures and getting to see shots of the game. I don't want to take pictures professionally, ever, but I very much want to continue to learn about how to set up shots and play with exposures and view points. I really love pictures of the simple things, but generally taken very close up (what I wouldn't give for a macro lens! Damn them and their $800 cost!). I am not sure why I really like these pictures, I think it originates in my desire to see the beauty in the simplicity of the world and to find an almost unrecognizable view of something that we look at everyday.
I suppose this is all that I really have to say about anything. I am slowly falling in love with sending my best friends small notes of encouragment to let him know that I still love him and miss him. I am questioning the fact that I seem to only have friendships where I don't have to talk to the person frequently. While I love it and it makes everything so much more amazing when I do get the chance to talk to them, it is hard on the day to day because I don't just have that person to go to and talk about the bullshit. Brooke is becoming that person but I am weary because I don't know where I am going to be in a month, 6 months, or even a year. I am scared of being a developing a really close friendship where I do need that frequent contact and them things changing in the near future and losing it. I suppose this could be considered in that whole you don't know until you try idea but I am scared to try something new, scared to be someone that I don't think I can be. Maybe that means that I do not really want to 'fail' after graduation but rather I want to be redesigned into the person that I know I can be inside but am too scared to allow to come out.