When everything crashes all you could do is build it again
So the time is finally comeing, i'll be leaving to oregon in a few months and everything is going to change derastically. i can't wait. But then again i don't even want to bother. i know normal emotions. i want to finally meet new people and be on my own. Ever sence Katie left that's all I ever wanted. Of course i still had Kel but then now she's gone all i have is andy who is great. but i just need more. i don't know how much more but i need more. I feel like i've fallen and i just keep going down. I don't have a branch to catch me or hold onto just a black tunnel that is endless. i don't even know what it is really. I know i'm bored, anxious, i want to leave. And in acting this way i'm pulling from andy and i'm not even trying to it's just i don't know what to do with my emotions. And all i seem to do is sleep and stay bored cus i don't know what else to do. All i want to do is hurry up and go to oregon just so i can start a new life and be somewhat on my own. To meet knew people make some new friends. What i realized yesturday is i love andy and i will always love him even if we never have anything again but he's my first true love and he'll always have a place in my heart no matter what. I just hope he knows that and he dosen't think that he makes me unhappy. Which is sad b/c for the past 3 days i have been and he's probably thinking "oh why can't i make her happy". it's just do hard. it's hard to look at him and think in a few weeks i won't see him. i won't be able to hold him. but then i think it will be nice to be on my own. We both will survive however it's always the hardest to give up on something especially when it something that you love or someone. I have to tell him how things are. We've kinda talked about it but at the sametime we've covered our emotions and what we truly feel. i've been thinking that i've lost my love for him which i knew couldn't be i've just been trying to fall out of it so it wouldn't be so hard to let him go in the end. But it won't matter because i could not stop loving him or caring for him. i don't know if our future is something of a happily ever after. what i do know is that if there was someone that came along he'd have to be like andy becasue he's definatlly rose the standards for the guys i look for. "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" that's how it goes right? well i'm glad i've loved and finally found out what it really is. but i'm not going to shelter myself in a hole. That branch has finally shown it's self and i'll keep climbing till i get out and i'll keep loving and smiling because life is nothing and you are nothing but what you choose in you life is what makes you something. Nothing is against you or for you, you just think it is when really you make them that way. i know i'm talking crazy but that's how life always seems to work. It's never life's fault. It's my life so there for it's my fault for i turn life into what it is now. i know what i must do to get everything stright. Being patient and calm. Try to make the best of what i have and leave no room for negativity. That is the possiblity and it's great to know.