(no subject)
iv gone through quite a few breakdowns and episodes in teh last week or two
bad ones, and not so bad ones
many thoughts running through my head
from having an anxiety/panic attack at a party in front of tracy and 20 other people
to a simple me feelign that i am not a valid part of my family structure
i dont feel that i am having the impact i wanted to on the world right now
so as of now the kevin mental help/free support group is closed
i am too fucked in the head to continuously watch people ignore me or not listen to what i have to say on anything more than a nod of the head basis
i dont give a shit
i have my own shit to worry about and have severe abandonment issues with every person in my life and when i feel like i dont even exist anymore i am no longer helping any of my friends and thats what i feel like right now
i worry almost every other hour of the day about all the people around me and how i could possibly help them, give some advice, or generally any ways to help them and i feel liike that doesnt meen dick
i think that as of right now i am a token piece of shit and until i am out of college with a good job and mentally competant enough to get through a month without writing in a journal like a 15 year old mentally unstable bitch that i am not helping anyone
so heres to being a psycotic mess
yes im in a shity mood if you cant tell
and no words from anybody will fix that
tehre are no miracle solutions in life that instantly make anything better aside from cures to illnesses, and even then it is as it is in life
you grit your teeth and take whatever the fuck comes your way
you mold it into somthing productive
you keep your chin up and never go down
i dont care how many shots you think you have taken and that life is over, you nvere fucking give up, cause however bad you feel there is millions of people feeling way worse than you and cursing you to hell for how good you have it
i accept that every shity thign thats ever happened to me i have deserved and some of them i didnt
whatever
thats life
not some mystical way of balancing my goods and bads
its just simple matters of science and the randomness of the universe
of all the thigns in my life the only problems that have ever come at me that have caused everlasting damage and done the most severe damage was myself
not poverty
not hunger
not disease
not beign able to go on with a smile without tears of regret followign them for a decadewas all my fault
i made my life the thign i have always abhored in my nightmares and have taken everythign out of me to turn it into somthing i can live with, and for once in my life share it with someone without a fear of being betrayed. lied to. and ignored.
facing your demons and making your life as a responsible adult is the choices that you make through out your entire life
nothing is absolute, take a chance but take smart chances
dont dick away the best years of your life like i did
i dont know what the fuck im saying anymore
bad ones, and not so bad ones
many thoughts running through my head
from having an anxiety/panic attack at a party in front of tracy and 20 other people
to a simple me feelign that i am not a valid part of my family structure
i dont feel that i am having the impact i wanted to on the world right now
so as of now the kevin mental help/free support group is closed
i am too fucked in the head to continuously watch people ignore me or not listen to what i have to say on anything more than a nod of the head basis
i dont give a shit
i have my own shit to worry about and have severe abandonment issues with every person in my life and when i feel like i dont even exist anymore i am no longer helping any of my friends and thats what i feel like right now
i worry almost every other hour of the day about all the people around me and how i could possibly help them, give some advice, or generally any ways to help them and i feel liike that doesnt meen dick
i think that as of right now i am a token piece of shit and until i am out of college with a good job and mentally competant enough to get through a month without writing in a journal like a 15 year old mentally unstable bitch that i am not helping anyone
so heres to being a psycotic mess
yes im in a shity mood if you cant tell
and no words from anybody will fix that
tehre are no miracle solutions in life that instantly make anything better aside from cures to illnesses, and even then it is as it is in life
you grit your teeth and take whatever the fuck comes your way
you mold it into somthing productive
you keep your chin up and never go down
i dont care how many shots you think you have taken and that life is over, you nvere fucking give up, cause however bad you feel there is millions of people feeling way worse than you and cursing you to hell for how good you have it
i accept that every shity thign thats ever happened to me i have deserved and some of them i didnt
whatever
thats life
not some mystical way of balancing my goods and bads
its just simple matters of science and the randomness of the universe
of all the thigns in my life the only problems that have ever come at me that have caused everlasting damage and done the most severe damage was myself
not poverty
not hunger
not disease
not beign able to go on with a smile without tears of regret followign them for a decadewas all my fault
i made my life the thign i have always abhored in my nightmares and have taken everythign out of me to turn it into somthing i can live with, and for once in my life share it with someone without a fear of being betrayed. lied to. and ignored.
facing your demons and making your life as a responsible adult is the choices that you make through out your entire life
nothing is absolute, take a chance but take smart chances
dont dick away the best years of your life like i did
i dont know what the fuck im saying anymore