UPDATE
Ok....I know it has been forever since I last came on here to write an entry but here's an update for all those that acutally read these things and I'm not meaning that in a bad way
Back in January I decided to try again with Andrew. It worked for a little while until I saw that he wanted to take time out and hang out with a gal friend of his named Leslie. The girl was nice and everythin but there was just something about here that made me hate her. Its like you can't put your finger on it but you know it's there. Anyways....Andrew decided to start hanging out with her more rather than with me. I was ok with it in the beginning but then I started to see that he was changing....personality wise. All we basically did was make-out and that was it; no connection, no communication. Just sexual attention, ya know? Well in May I decided to start preparing myself for a major break up between us so I was really depressed. I didn't feel like calling him to hang out because I would figure that he would have other things to do (Leslie). I approach him about the problem and he kept saying that there was nothing going on. Well...the second week in May, I made my final attempt to figure out what was going on. I told him I was basically scared that I was loosing him and all that jazz. I had a feelin that he didnt' take my words into consideration. I was hurt, very badly. The time came where we just ended it and he left my friend's house. I stayed in the bathroom for about an hour (I'm not going into details about that one) but I basically sat at the toilet, on the floor, balling my heart and eyes out and hyperventalating. My friend Lucas tried to calm me down but it wasn't doing any good. So...I told Poppy and Lucas to leave me alone for a bit so that I can calm down. While I was alone, I kept thinking "why didn't I see this? I knew this was coming, but why this reaction?" It was like waiting for someone to die; you know its going to happen its all a matter of time. When they do die, it hits you harder than you thought it would and you keep thinking that you can handle it. It was a waste, a 5 month waste to even try again with Andrew. I felt that I could have spent that time on something or mostly someone else.
After the break up, I tried to find myself, my core of single-ness, and kept to myself for a couple of days then I started to hang out with friends again. I think maybe about 4 days later, my gal friend Terri said that maybe I should give Brandon a call. Brandon? You mean Brandon as Guy-From-Texas-That-I-Was-So-Into-When-I-Was-Seventeen- Brandon? Yeah...of course him. I felt a little strange calling him but after thinking about it, (yes I do that a lot), I decided to take a shot and sure enough he answered and came over to see me. Well, basically he was looking for a bar and couldn't find it, called me back and said "you know, you are more important to me so i'm coming over". I didn't know what to say, other than 'OK'. He came over around midnight and we just sat and talked and talked. He played his guitar like he would when I would visit him, and I was like falling in love all over again with him. I wasn't 19..I was 17 again. I was admiring his smile; his voice; his stance; everything that was him, I was going ga-ga over it. As we sat and talked he basically said that he wanted to be with me.
Before I get into that part, here's some things that will clear up any confusion. Back in December of '04, he called me. Basically he called to catch up and everything and also to tell me that he was beginning to fall in love with me. *silence* Fall in love with me? me....a ditsy 17 year old girl that was teased and teased through out her life and someone other than her friends and family loves her? WAKE ME UP CAUSE I KNOW I'M DREAMING! Sure enough I wasn't. He said that he was with a girl but felt wrong about it since he had me on his mind the whole time. He said the only reason he woudl come to Indiana (this was the time he was in Texas) is for me and only for me. I coudln't help myself....I started to feel the tears fill up in my eyes and my feelings for him started to take over. Wait a mintute....this is December of '04....I'm currently dating Andrew and I stared at his class ring, thinking of what to do. I basically told Brandon that I was with someone and that I just recently started to date him (even though it had already been 3 months). He understood but wanted to keep in contact with each other. We did via e-mail. We sent each other poems we have written and some news that was happening whereever we were.
Like I said before I swtiched colors he asked me maybe 4 days later to be with him. I said yes and sure enough we have been dating for 2 months now. It doesn't seem that long but I've known Brandon since I was 16...that's ....4 years. 4 years seems like a long time and it has left its mark on me (since I'm almost 20 now).
Here's a fun part. Maybe after Brandon and I started dating, Andrew called and basically said that he wanted to get back together with me. I was almost about to say yes but I had to think. I told Andrew that I wasn't dating anyone because I didn't want him to think that he was an easy person to get over. Well...he was but that isn't my point. I would sit in my bedroom thinking of what I could do. I could go back to Andrew and have everything I got back be fucked over again, or I coudl be with Brandon and see what can happen. I would sit days on days on days about the issue. Finally after 3 weeks of thinking (yeah...long time) I finally told Andrew that I coudln't be with him because of the problems we had and my issue with trust and him. He was hurt, of course, but I coudln't help it. In one way or another you will hurt someone, whether its from a realtionship, like this, or a friendship....ect. You can't avoid it. Since then he has not called or talked to me in about 2 months. I can understand why because I've been where he's been but the thing is, he'll be ok. I mean I felt the same way when I was his age (He's 17.......when I was that age, I was heartbroken from Brandon, but I understand now since I was in his position). He'll be ok and I know he will...Rumor has it that he is dating Leslie *HMM..GO FIGURE!*.
Ya know...in just a couple of months you can grow up so fast. You think you are grown enough but when you have situations like this come up, you have to make choice and making choice is a way of life and growing up. I've done a lot of thinking and a lot of growing up. I just hope that from doing this, will have a sweet outcome.
Brandon is everything to me. Always has. Always will. I believe he feels the same way but I don't know since I'm not him. I love him for his mind, like he said with me. The body is just a bonus (good bonus, btw). I hope our relationship can grow and become something rather special to have.
*to be continued*