Some pathetic, sad after school special
I just told Kari no_good_deed44 today that I don't update LJ and I'm on Tumblr more now the way she is. However, tonight I find myself needing to vent and ramble things that are too long and too involved for Tumblr, so here I am. I feel broken and stuck, and I just don't know what to do, so I'm going to write it out to see where it takes me. If you don't want to read about my mommy and daddy issues, stop now and spare yourself from my mental/emotional instability.
My emotions have been up and down today, and I'd find myself in some moments where I was just incredibly sad for no reason. In the past, it usually means something bad is going to happen, but today? I don't know...it wasn't bad, but it was something that struck me and I've hit the lowest point I've been at in a while.
This morning I asked my dad if he could find some cardboard at work to bring it home so that I can build a chair for my 3D Design class. He came home tonight having filled up his truck with cardboard. At one point, I jokingly said it was enough to build a house. After unloading it all and I got back to my room, I was struck with the thought "At least one of my parents follow through, even in the most ridiculous of ways." And I cry as I'm writing this, not even knowing quite sure why.
Growing up, life was far from perfect.I hate thinking about this or talking about it because I almost feel bad...My childhood wasn't completely horrible. I wasn't raped or sexually abused or anything like that. My dad was an alcoholic and he maybe emotionally abused my mother and I...and sometimes his drunken-ness would end in play fighting and bruises on my arms, but I know that things could have been much worse. Back then, I was too young to be able to feel hate, but I didn't like my dad. He didn't know how to show me he loved me. To this day, he still doesn't quite know. He and my mom fought a lot when I was younger, and it'd be miserable. The idea of divorce was thrown left and right, but nothing ever followed through. I took my mother's side all the time. I loved her because she knew how to show me she loved me. Eventually, though, it got to the point where we left my dad. We moved out of the house and she was ready to fly off to live with her brothers and sisters in Georgia. Four months into that, however, we didn't move away and instead my dad moved back in. I hated her for that.
I think it was that single pivotal moment that everything changed for my mother and I. I could not believe how she could betray me like that, to bring someone that made us completely miserable back into our lives after we'd lived so peacefully for four months. It didn't help that I was 12, about to enter my teenage years...and she held that against me. Everything I did or said was because of my "pre-teen attitude" and once I was 13, it was my "teenager attitude." She probably never even imagined that it was because I hated her for bringing all of the fighting and yelling back into our lives...it was just my fault for being my age, even though I'd hinted at not being happy with her decision many times during those times.
I've been watching season 3 Private Practice, and that moment reminds me of Addison's revelations with her father:
My entire life I thought she was this poor, pathetic woman. I thought it was my job to cover for you, and it made me hate you. I mean, don't you understand? I hated the wrong parent. My cheating, I thought I got it from you but now I know that you're the poor, pathetic one because you love her and she loves someone else. But you stayed. This is like some pathetic, sad after school special which is just awful because now, now I hate you both.
At that point, I hated them both. I hated my father for being the drunk he was. I hated my mother for allowing it all to keep going on. I felt alone. I wished that my life was worse because I felt like the worse thing in the world, living in an impoverished country with no parents was better than the life that I was living. For a long time, I didn't want to live at all. I cut myself to numb the pain. I was ready to give up. Luckily I found things to occupy my mind and true friends to show me that life was worth living.
The most heartbreaking thing, though, the thing that makes these tears trickle down my cheeks as I'm writing all this is that somewhere along the way, I forgave one parent and not the other. I forgave my dad for what he did and all of those years that things were so bad...I feel like he didn't know any better. He didn't know how to love me. He didn't...I just don't know. He didn't know any better, but now he kind of does and he's done a lot to change. There aren't any drunken fights and things are actually good. But my mother? She knew better. Maybe because she knew better, it was why my dad was able to come back. But I haven't forgiven her for that betrayal, for making me feel so low that I wanted to end my own life. I don't know how to.
As nice as she is to me and as much as she tries, I can't do it. I look at her and sometimes I'm just disgusted. She says I love you and I can't say it back. Sometimes I let it slip, just to see how it feels, and I know that it's still not something that I truly feel. I keep saying that I wish it were better for my mom and I, that somehow we can patch things up, but I don't know how to. For whatever reason, her mistake is the one thing I can't forgive and forget. I don't talk to her about it or anyone for that matter. I'm just waiting...as if one day things will be better, but I don't even like that. I don't like it when people fight and then put some time in between just to act like everything's okay again the next day without working it through. I HATE THAT, but I can't work it through with her. I can't...
And so, I'm broken and I'm stuck with this looming over me. Sometimes I feel like I should take advantage of the on campus counseling. Maybe someone can guide me in the right direction and tell me how I'm supposed to do this. I'm getting married in less than 10 months and I'm not even happy that my mother will be there or that she's helping me plan. She's actually being more annoying that anything, but it's all of this that's holding me back. I wish I could have a normal mother-daughter relationship again. I wish I could not feel such disdain toward her. I wish for a lot of things, but I don't know how to get it within my grasp.
My emotions have been up and down today, and I'd find myself in some moments where I was just incredibly sad for no reason. In the past, it usually means something bad is going to happen, but today? I don't know...it wasn't bad, but it was something that struck me and I've hit the lowest point I've been at in a while.
This morning I asked my dad if he could find some cardboard at work to bring it home so that I can build a chair for my 3D Design class. He came home tonight having filled up his truck with cardboard. At one point, I jokingly said it was enough to build a house. After unloading it all and I got back to my room, I was struck with the thought "At least one of my parents follow through, even in the most ridiculous of ways." And I cry as I'm writing this, not even knowing quite sure why.
Growing up, life was far from perfect.I hate thinking about this or talking about it because I almost feel bad...My childhood wasn't completely horrible. I wasn't raped or sexually abused or anything like that. My dad was an alcoholic and he maybe emotionally abused my mother and I...and sometimes his drunken-ness would end in play fighting and bruises on my arms, but I know that things could have been much worse. Back then, I was too young to be able to feel hate, but I didn't like my dad. He didn't know how to show me he loved me. To this day, he still doesn't quite know. He and my mom fought a lot when I was younger, and it'd be miserable. The idea of divorce was thrown left and right, but nothing ever followed through. I took my mother's side all the time. I loved her because she knew how to show me she loved me. Eventually, though, it got to the point where we left my dad. We moved out of the house and she was ready to fly off to live with her brothers and sisters in Georgia. Four months into that, however, we didn't move away and instead my dad moved back in. I hated her for that.
I think it was that single pivotal moment that everything changed for my mother and I. I could not believe how she could betray me like that, to bring someone that made us completely miserable back into our lives after we'd lived so peacefully for four months. It didn't help that I was 12, about to enter my teenage years...and she held that against me. Everything I did or said was because of my "pre-teen attitude" and once I was 13, it was my "teenager attitude." She probably never even imagined that it was because I hated her for bringing all of the fighting and yelling back into our lives...it was just my fault for being my age, even though I'd hinted at not being happy with her decision many times during those times.
I've been watching season 3 Private Practice, and that moment reminds me of Addison's revelations with her father:
My entire life I thought she was this poor, pathetic woman. I thought it was my job to cover for you, and it made me hate you. I mean, don't you understand? I hated the wrong parent. My cheating, I thought I got it from you but now I know that you're the poor, pathetic one because you love her and she loves someone else. But you stayed. This is like some pathetic, sad after school special which is just awful because now, now I hate you both.
At that point, I hated them both. I hated my father for being the drunk he was. I hated my mother for allowing it all to keep going on. I felt alone. I wished that my life was worse because I felt like the worse thing in the world, living in an impoverished country with no parents was better than the life that I was living. For a long time, I didn't want to live at all. I cut myself to numb the pain. I was ready to give up. Luckily I found things to occupy my mind and true friends to show me that life was worth living.
The most heartbreaking thing, though, the thing that makes these tears trickle down my cheeks as I'm writing all this is that somewhere along the way, I forgave one parent and not the other. I forgave my dad for what he did and all of those years that things were so bad...I feel like he didn't know any better. He didn't know how to love me. He didn't...I just don't know. He didn't know any better, but now he kind of does and he's done a lot to change. There aren't any drunken fights and things are actually good. But my mother? She knew better. Maybe because she knew better, it was why my dad was able to come back. But I haven't forgiven her for that betrayal, for making me feel so low that I wanted to end my own life. I don't know how to.
As nice as she is to me and as much as she tries, I can't do it. I look at her and sometimes I'm just disgusted. She says I love you and I can't say it back. Sometimes I let it slip, just to see how it feels, and I know that it's still not something that I truly feel. I keep saying that I wish it were better for my mom and I, that somehow we can patch things up, but I don't know how to. For whatever reason, her mistake is the one thing I can't forgive and forget. I don't talk to her about it or anyone for that matter. I'm just waiting...as if one day things will be better, but I don't even like that. I don't like it when people fight and then put some time in between just to act like everything's okay again the next day without working it through. I HATE THAT, but I can't work it through with her. I can't...
And so, I'm broken and I'm stuck with this looming over me. Sometimes I feel like I should take advantage of the on campus counseling. Maybe someone can guide me in the right direction and tell me how I'm supposed to do this. I'm getting married in less than 10 months and I'm not even happy that my mother will be there or that she's helping me plan. She's actually being more annoying that anything, but it's all of this that's holding me back. I wish I could have a normal mother-daughter relationship again. I wish I could not feel such disdain toward her. I wish for a lot of things, but I don't know how to get it within my grasp.