Wishing My Wrists Were Bleeding To Stop The Pain From The Beatings
Well technically yesterday was my father's two year death anniversary. Two god damn years has past since he died. Shit... I remember how I found out he died. Mom woke me up at like 9 in the morning and just said it. I remember having a gut feeling in my stomach the night before he died. I want him back. Even though he was never really "there"... he was always there. And it sucks not being able to see him. If there's something worse then fucking pigs (aka cops) it's doctors. They killed my fuckin father and they didn't bother to try to save him. It would of cost too much money and he wasn't strong enough anyways. AT LEAST TRY!! They rather just turn their fuckin heads and watch as my father cringed in a ball and waited for the line to go flat. They turned their fuckin heads and did nothing! I swear to god if I ever see his doctor EVER.... he's dead. I'll show him what its like to suffer and die in pain. July 2nd was the day that I fully lost my faith and my beliefs that were barely there. Why put all your faith into something that seems so obsurd as god? Had he ever helped you? Has he ever heard your cries for help? He's never heard a word that came out of my mouth. Not one. I used to pray every night when I was little because I wanted to be happy again. Imagine, being miserable at the age of 6 when life is supposed to be full of happiness and toys. Here I am 10 years later and I'm still the miserable little girl as I was once praying. He never heard not one of my screams for help. NOT FUCKIN ONE! He can't hear you. He's not real. AH! The bible is a lie. It's fiction and nothing more. IT'S ALL LIES! So many things are gone now from my father's passing. Like the fact that he can't give me away later on in life if I get married. There will be no father-daughter dance. Just like there wasn't one for my Sweet 16. He'll never be able to hold my children. And yes I say I don't want children at all... never. But, I know I'm going to be a mother one day. So the fact that he'll never be able to hold my kids and they can't meet him will kill me. I just keep thinking to myself.... didn't this family get enough heartbreak for one life? I'm not just thinking of myself, but the whole family. So much shit has happend in this household. When will the pain end? When will this family get one day of relaxation?
My next worries in this life is my mother. She's feeling ill again. Ever since Alex came back from jail. It's the stress that he's giving her. Her heart has been beating funnier or so she says and she gets dizzy a lot more often then she used to. Stress... that's all this family has ever had. I think it's all we know. I don't remember when there was just one day of relaxtion. There's always a black cloud hanging over our heads. Everyday and there was never a day where there wasn't one. I feel as if I always have to be on my toes for something and always be alert for something to happen. Everyday........
The rest of this week has just been party party party party.
Today I was woken up by a delightful suprise... Brandon (aka Jones). ~Gorgeous boy... very VERY nice lookin might I say so myself. I'd never think that I'd actually be interested in a guy like him~ ANYHOO! He helped me and Amanda wake and bake. Nice
Tasha's sleepin over... she got kicked out of her house. Wonderful parents right?? Wow.
There actually really hasn't been anything else but parties. And we all know what happens at parties so why bother explaining all of my days. ::shrug:: Too much work.
Oh, whoever is going to summer school you'll be seeing me there. Isn't that grand? Well I'll be in Math II and English 10
~SONG ALEX DEDICATED TO DADDY AT THE FUNERAL~
Angel's Son by Sevendust
Life is changing
I can't go on without you
Rearranging. I will be strong
I'll stand by you
(You were fighting everyday)
(So hard to hide the pain)
(I know you never said goodbye)
(I had so much left to say)
One last song
Given to an Angel's Son
As soon as you were gone
As soon as you were gone
I have a new life now
She lives through you
What can I do
Feel so alone now
I pray for you
We still love you
I can't believe you're gone
I can't believe
~THE SONG I DEDICATED TO DADDY~
Eva by Orgy
You know I started to grow
since you've been away
Lately, it's scarier not knowing
what's become of you
Are you proud of me now,
I can't tell
I'm not as fearless as you
Still I pretend that
you're still standing by
To show me wrong from right
Never got a chance to say goodbye
Take this gift from me,
hold it deep in mind,
forever and never let this go
I used to think you were crazy
When you were hooked to the screen
But now they tell me that
you're in a better place
But where did you go
And I swear sometimes
you're watching over me
Still I'd give the world
for the chance
just to see your face again
Now, there's nothing left but time
Know that I'm following you
Eva's always on my mind
and it makes me wonder
What happened to you?
You know it makes me wonder
Still I pretend that
you're still standing by
to show me wrong from right
And never let this go away
My next worries in this life is my mother. She's feeling ill again. Ever since Alex came back from jail. It's the stress that he's giving her. Her heart has been beating funnier or so she says and she gets dizzy a lot more often then she used to. Stress... that's all this family has ever had. I think it's all we know. I don't remember when there was just one day of relaxtion. There's always a black cloud hanging over our heads. Everyday and there was never a day where there wasn't one. I feel as if I always have to be on my toes for something and always be alert for something to happen. Everyday........
The rest of this week has just been party party party party.
Today I was woken up by a delightful suprise... Brandon (aka Jones). ~Gorgeous boy... very VERY nice lookin might I say so myself. I'd never think that I'd actually be interested in a guy like him~ ANYHOO! He helped me and Amanda wake and bake. Nice
Tasha's sleepin over... she got kicked out of her house. Wonderful parents right?? Wow.
There actually really hasn't been anything else but parties. And we all know what happens at parties so why bother explaining all of my days. ::shrug:: Too much work.
Oh, whoever is going to summer school you'll be seeing me there. Isn't that grand? Well I'll be in Math II and English 10
~SONG ALEX DEDICATED TO DADDY AT THE FUNERAL~
Angel's Son by Sevendust
Life is changing
I can't go on without you
Rearranging. I will be strong
I'll stand by you
(You were fighting everyday)
(So hard to hide the pain)
(I know you never said goodbye)
(I had so much left to say)
One last song
Given to an Angel's Son
As soon as you were gone
As soon as you were gone
I have a new life now
She lives through you
What can I do
Feel so alone now
I pray for you
We still love you
I can't believe you're gone
I can't believe
~THE SONG I DEDICATED TO DADDY~
Eva by Orgy
You know I started to grow
since you've been away
Lately, it's scarier not knowing
what's become of you
Are you proud of me now,
I can't tell
I'm not as fearless as you
Still I pretend that
you're still standing by
To show me wrong from right
Never got a chance to say goodbye
Take this gift from me,
hold it deep in mind,
forever and never let this go
I used to think you were crazy
When you were hooked to the screen
But now they tell me that
you're in a better place
But where did you go
And I swear sometimes
you're watching over me
Still I'd give the world
for the chance
just to see your face again
Now, there's nothing left but time
Know that I'm following you
Eva's always on my mind
and it makes me wonder
What happened to you?
You know it makes me wonder
Still I pretend that
you're still standing by
to show me wrong from right
And never let this go away