Ianto Jones and the Raiders of the Glass Tank
Title: Ianto Jones and the Raiders of the Glass Tank
Characters: Ianto, Jack, others
Warnings: Spoilers for CoE
Rating: Mature
Summary: How Ianto got sex and got rid of the aliens
Author's Notes: Written for the Teaboy Challenge One
Jack turned to Rhys. "Rhys! Can you take the car and go down to the shops by the wharf? We need some discs for these ... things." He indicated the laptops. "It'll take about 20 min ... ,"
"30."
"... er, 30 minutes."
"I'll go later. The beans are almost ready." Rhys said, completely oblivious.
"Er, the beans are almost ready ... " Jack looked apologetically at Ianto.
Ianto rolled his eyes. Really, could Jack accomplish anything by himself? He turned to Rhys.
"Rhys, mate. Jack and I want to shag. Can you leave us alone for 30 minutes?"
A few minutes later Ianto had Jack bent over the kitchen counter while he fucked him.
"Oh Ianto," Jack moaned as he ejaculated into the pot of still simmering beans on the stove. Well, it couldn't be helped. It was Rhys's fault for making them promise they would watch over the beans while it cooked.
Much later, Jack and Ianto strode manfully into Floor 13 of Thames House. They walked up to the tank containing the alien.
Jack tried some tough talking with the 456.
"An injury to one is an injury to all, blah blah," he blathered without any coherent plan in his head.
"Sod the philosophy." Ianto said, clapping on his gas mask. "Leave earth immediately or we'll damage the tank so that your life-supporting gas leaks out."
"Muahahaha! Your puny little guns are not enough to shatter the bullet-proof glass of the tank." The alien cackled evilly.
"What are you calling a puny little gun?" Ianto brought his enormous big motherfucking gun out. He fired at the glass of the tank.
BLAMMO! The glass broke into thousands of little shards.
"What ammunition did you use?!" Jack asked, clapping an embroidered handkerchief to his nose. All around them was gas and confusion and the alien's screams.
"You know the beans you ejaculated on? I figured that the life energy of your semen plus the gas-producing energy of the beans would make for a potent combination, so that's what I packed the gun full of." Ianto said, as the gas cleared up and they could now see the alien clearly.
"Wait a minute, those tentacles look rather fake and plastic to me. Almost as if it was some kind of animatronic B-movie monster!" Ianto stepped forward and yanked at the tentacles. The whole thing fell off, like a mask, to reveal -- a tall, bulky middle-aged man with a receding hairline and unfashionable black-rimmed glasses.
"Why, it's the famous writer Roach T Dickhead!" exclaimed civil servant John Frobisher, who had just entered the room. "But ... but you are so rich and successful! Why did you do this?!"
"Because the miserable fans and 'ming-mongs' don't appreciate my genius. They dare to question my creative ideas! I wanted to show them once and for all that I can do exactly as I please and I don't have to consider anybody else's opinions!" The deranged, power-mad writer shrilled.
Agent Johnson sped in with her armed guards and took custody of Roach T Dickhead. As they led him away he muttered darkly, "And I'd have got away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddlesome Torchwood kids!"
"Phew!" said Jack. "What is this green vomit concocted of?"
"I see that it is Astroglide mixed with green food colouring." Ianto said and looked pointedly at Jack. This time, finally, Jack got the message.
"Mr Frobisher, Ianto and I want to shag. Can you leave us alone for three hours?"
Characters: Ianto, Jack, others
Warnings: Spoilers for CoE
Rating: Mature
Summary: How Ianto got sex and got rid of the aliens
Author's Notes: Written for the Teaboy Challenge One
Jack turned to Rhys. "Rhys! Can you take the car and go down to the shops by the wharf? We need some discs for these ... things." He indicated the laptops. "It'll take about 20 min ... ,"
"30."
"... er, 30 minutes."
"I'll go later. The beans are almost ready." Rhys said, completely oblivious.
"Er, the beans are almost ready ... " Jack looked apologetically at Ianto.
Ianto rolled his eyes. Really, could Jack accomplish anything by himself? He turned to Rhys.
"Rhys, mate. Jack and I want to shag. Can you leave us alone for 30 minutes?"
A few minutes later Ianto had Jack bent over the kitchen counter while he fucked him.
"Oh Ianto," Jack moaned as he ejaculated into the pot of still simmering beans on the stove. Well, it couldn't be helped. It was Rhys's fault for making them promise they would watch over the beans while it cooked.
Much later, Jack and Ianto strode manfully into Floor 13 of Thames House. They walked up to the tank containing the alien.
Jack tried some tough talking with the 456.
"An injury to one is an injury to all, blah blah," he blathered without any coherent plan in his head.
"Sod the philosophy." Ianto said, clapping on his gas mask. "Leave earth immediately or we'll damage the tank so that your life-supporting gas leaks out."
"Muahahaha! Your puny little guns are not enough to shatter the bullet-proof glass of the tank." The alien cackled evilly.
"What are you calling a puny little gun?" Ianto brought his enormous big motherfucking gun out. He fired at the glass of the tank.
BLAMMO! The glass broke into thousands of little shards.
"What ammunition did you use?!" Jack asked, clapping an embroidered handkerchief to his nose. All around them was gas and confusion and the alien's screams.
"You know the beans you ejaculated on? I figured that the life energy of your semen plus the gas-producing energy of the beans would make for a potent combination, so that's what I packed the gun full of." Ianto said, as the gas cleared up and they could now see the alien clearly.
"Wait a minute, those tentacles look rather fake and plastic to me. Almost as if it was some kind of animatronic B-movie monster!" Ianto stepped forward and yanked at the tentacles. The whole thing fell off, like a mask, to reveal -- a tall, bulky middle-aged man with a receding hairline and unfashionable black-rimmed glasses.
"Why, it's the famous writer Roach T Dickhead!" exclaimed civil servant John Frobisher, who had just entered the room. "But ... but you are so rich and successful! Why did you do this?!"
"Because the miserable fans and 'ming-mongs' don't appreciate my genius. They dare to question my creative ideas! I wanted to show them once and for all that I can do exactly as I please and I don't have to consider anybody else's opinions!" The deranged, power-mad writer shrilled.
Agent Johnson sped in with her armed guards and took custody of Roach T Dickhead. As they led him away he muttered darkly, "And I'd have got away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddlesome Torchwood kids!"
"Phew!" said Jack. "What is this green vomit concocted of?"
"I see that it is Astroglide mixed with green food colouring." Ianto said and looked pointedly at Jack. This time, finally, Jack got the message.
"Mr Frobisher, Ianto and I want to shag. Can you leave us alone for three hours?"