Letters to Santa
It happens every year.
The whiny little bastards get Satan and Santa mixed up, and send Me their Christmas wishlists. Santa, being a creation of God, is obviously not one of my favourite people in the world. The sole purpose of this fat bastard is to confuse My flock into following HIM. Well this year, I get even. Sending back responses to the letters mistakenly sent to Me.
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool boy space ranjur fer xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
Yer Frend
Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in garbage removal. How about I send you a fucking dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least he can spell!
Santa
P.S. Have your mother start calling you Rain Man
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Your best friend,
Misty
Dear Misty,
That whiny, begging shit may work with your folks, but that guano don't fly up here.
You're getting a King Cobra instead. He likes it when you pat his head.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
All toys get made in sweatshops in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing money at the craps table.
And then one shitty day a year, I send toys to all you little fuckers!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mummy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Jenny
Dear Jenny,
What, like your dad's going to quit banging his secretary like a screen door in a hurricane? Tell your mom to lose some weight and I'll talk to your daddy.
Let me give you some nice Legos in the meantime and let's see if you can build up a family with those.
Santa.
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love from your friend,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me nauseous and carrots give the reindeer gas right in front of me.
You want to be nice for Santa? Leave me a bottle of Johnny Walker and some Toblerone and tell your mom to wait up.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Quit being such a brown nosing little suckup and learn a real trade like baking or giving head on demand when you're older.
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when wed're awake, like in the song?
Your friend,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that stupid?
I hope my reindeer crash into your window and trample your family in their sleep for having such a stupid child!
Wait, better yet, no. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a PS2, a train, some GI Joes, a dog, a drum set, a pony, and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
I'll tell you what; I'll send you a round trip ticket to the North Pole so wh en you get here I can kick some sense into your fucking head.
Who the hell names their kid "Francis", anyway? Stop being such a greedy little bastard, and go flip burgers. It'll be your calling in life.
I'll bet you're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'll send you the Village People's greatest hits instead.
Santa
The whiny little bastards get Satan and Santa mixed up, and send Me their Christmas wishlists. Santa, being a creation of God, is obviously not one of my favourite people in the world. The sole purpose of this fat bastard is to confuse My flock into following HIM. Well this year, I get even. Sending back responses to the letters mistakenly sent to Me.
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool boy space ranjur fer xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
Yer Frend
Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in garbage removal. How about I send you a fucking dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least he can spell!
Santa
P.S. Have your mother start calling you Rain Man
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Your best friend,
Misty
Dear Misty,
That whiny, begging shit may work with your folks, but that guano don't fly up here.
You're getting a King Cobra instead. He likes it when you pat his head.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
All toys get made in sweatshops in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing money at the craps table.
And then one shitty day a year, I send toys to all you little fuckers!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mummy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Jenny
Dear Jenny,
What, like your dad's going to quit banging his secretary like a screen door in a hurricane? Tell your mom to lose some weight and I'll talk to your daddy.
Let me give you some nice Legos in the meantime and let's see if you can build up a family with those.
Santa.
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love from your friend,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me nauseous and carrots give the reindeer gas right in front of me.
You want to be nice for Santa? Leave me a bottle of Johnny Walker and some Toblerone and tell your mom to wait up.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Quit being such a brown nosing little suckup and learn a real trade like baking or giving head on demand when you're older.
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when wed're awake, like in the song?
Your friend,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that stupid?
I hope my reindeer crash into your window and trample your family in their sleep for having such a stupid child!
Wait, better yet, no. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a PS2, a train, some GI Joes, a dog, a drum set, a pony, and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
I'll tell you what; I'll send you a round trip ticket to the North Pole so wh en you get here I can kick some sense into your fucking head.
Who the hell names their kid "Francis", anyway? Stop being such a greedy little bastard, and go flip burgers. It'll be your calling in life.
I'll bet you're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'll send you the Village People's greatest hits instead.
Santa