#notusuallyemo
I am not a happy fox.
TL DR: Lots of generic, stream-of-consciousness whining follows.
The hardest part for me is feeling that nobody really cares enough to want to cheer me up -- especially when I see the lengths people go through to do it for other people. There will always be haves and have-nots, I suppose, in everything from money to friendship to emotional support. Despite all the people I know, nobody ever seems to notice or care when I'm down.
I feel quite lonely and isolated much of the time. I think a part of the problem is that I'm a defective attention whore: I love and crave attention, but choose to absolutely never demand it.
Instead, I've always felt that I should simply live an awesome life, have fun, and make myself into something that others will find inherently interesting in the process. It hasn't worked; I feel as though I have yet to find any talents at anything notable except what I do for work ... and sysadmins tend to prefer -not- getting attention, professionally. :P
Despite both my parents being musicians and both sides of my family being musical, and investing countless hours and tens of thousands of dollars into music, I've failed badly there. A self-styled "DJ" playing virtual records on a pair of iPods garners (and merits) more interest. Despite my dad being quite an excellent visual artist, I've failed miserably at the visual arts. Both sides of this have the same presentation -- what I see or hear in my head I cannot translate to reality.
My writing, in which I've had slightly more success, is all I've achieved that's less than a complete failure ... but even then, my readership has gradually dropped to nothing ... I think I have perhaps 150 active readers who are waiting for my next chapter.
To put it simply, I've reached the point where I need the emotional 'high' of people being interested in me, concerned about me, excited about my creative work, and worried for my emotional well-being... and I've hit a vacuum. My personal life is increasingly rocky, as someone I care about has found someone else with whom they prefer to spend their time ... someone who gets all of their good feelings and energy. I've rocked myself well and truly into debt with my truck purchase, and the purchase of an airplane kit and tools ... mostly in a hope that I could snap out of my funk ... but it's all completely hopeless, as near as I can tell. My job is completely unfulfilling at this point, as I'm mainly just keeping the lights on over at Palm.
I may be nearing time for a change... some upheaval in my life that turns things on their end and sets me on a new course. Unfortunately, it MUST be aviation. I've come too far and given up on far too much in life for it...
... but honestly, what I really need is something that I feel is mostly absent in my life... love, friendship, affection, genuine concern ... and I don't foresee that changing.
I wish I could be happy again... not as happy as I was with Grimalkin / Tsakali, of course, but at least a little happy. I'm inherently a happy fox, and this long and deepening funk is starting to wear on me heavily.
~Foxy
PS. If anyone actually read all that -- my apologies for blathering... I don't think I've done this in recent memory ... and we all get once or twice, no?
TL DR: Lots of generic, stream-of-consciousness whining follows.
The hardest part for me is feeling that nobody really cares enough to want to cheer me up -- especially when I see the lengths people go through to do it for other people. There will always be haves and have-nots, I suppose, in everything from money to friendship to emotional support. Despite all the people I know, nobody ever seems to notice or care when I'm down.
I feel quite lonely and isolated much of the time. I think a part of the problem is that I'm a defective attention whore: I love and crave attention, but choose to absolutely never demand it.
Instead, I've always felt that I should simply live an awesome life, have fun, and make myself into something that others will find inherently interesting in the process. It hasn't worked; I feel as though I have yet to find any talents at anything notable except what I do for work ... and sysadmins tend to prefer -not- getting attention, professionally. :P
Despite both my parents being musicians and both sides of my family being musical, and investing countless hours and tens of thousands of dollars into music, I've failed badly there. A self-styled "DJ" playing virtual records on a pair of iPods garners (and merits) more interest. Despite my dad being quite an excellent visual artist, I've failed miserably at the visual arts. Both sides of this have the same presentation -- what I see or hear in my head I cannot translate to reality.
My writing, in which I've had slightly more success, is all I've achieved that's less than a complete failure ... but even then, my readership has gradually dropped to nothing ... I think I have perhaps 150 active readers who are waiting for my next chapter.
To put it simply, I've reached the point where I need the emotional 'high' of people being interested in me, concerned about me, excited about my creative work, and worried for my emotional well-being... and I've hit a vacuum. My personal life is increasingly rocky, as someone I care about has found someone else with whom they prefer to spend their time ... someone who gets all of their good feelings and energy. I've rocked myself well and truly into debt with my truck purchase, and the purchase of an airplane kit and tools ... mostly in a hope that I could snap out of my funk ... but it's all completely hopeless, as near as I can tell. My job is completely unfulfilling at this point, as I'm mainly just keeping the lights on over at Palm.
I may be nearing time for a change... some upheaval in my life that turns things on their end and sets me on a new course. Unfortunately, it MUST be aviation. I've come too far and given up on far too much in life for it...
... but honestly, what I really need is something that I feel is mostly absent in my life... love, friendship, affection, genuine concern ... and I don't foresee that changing.
I wish I could be happy again... not as happy as I was with Grimalkin / Tsakali, of course, but at least a little happy. I'm inherently a happy fox, and this long and deepening funk is starting to wear on me heavily.
~Foxy
PS. If anyone actually read all that -- my apologies for blathering... I don't think I've done this in recent memory ... and we all get once or twice, no?