The crack!chapter which no-one saw coming!
Since it's been six months...It's time to present: SasuNaru!Crack Shippuuden vol.6
Now with even more flashbacks and even less plot! GO GO!
Author: momopi
Warnings: Bad language. Bad behaviour. Bad! If anything in this crap makes you crack a smile, people may find your sense of humour extremely questionable. Script-format.
Words: 7,579 (...how did THAT happen?)
Disclaimer: Naruto owns me :D
Summary: "What's wrong with the name "SasuNaru the Movie: Just Another Attempt to Cash In"?" ...And that's about it!
Author's Note: Pure crack. Just some innocent crack from fangirl to fellow fangirls. Don't take this as any sort of offence.
The earlier parts can be found: HERE (MOAR CRACK)
WARNING: This fic makes slightly less sense than average Naruto fillers. Like THIS one. Really...WTF?
SPOILER: Naruto chapters #1-405 (...yeah)
SPOILER: Sasuke is an avenger.
SPOILER: Spoilers spoil!
Since Kishimoto has dedicated this year to telling every possible detail that Sasuke has ever done or will ever do, you might wonder why we've never found out what happened when Sasuke arrived at the Sound three years ago. Well here is what happened...
Three years ago Orochimaru and Kabuto were spending their evil freetime the same way as all the great anime villains, by watching soap-operas. Their peaceful evening was suddenly interrupted by a hard knock on the door. Kabuto immediately reacted the same way as any villain when someone knocks on the door of the evil's nest...
Kabuto: The pizza is here!
Orochimaru: Finally! We've been waiting for it for over three hours. Damn, it's hard to order food to evil secret hideouts.
Kabuto: *opens the door to the face of a really wet, miserable-looking Sasuke*
Sasuke: I'm here fo-
Kabuto: *slams the door shut*
Orochimaru: Who was that?
Kabuto: Just a little girl scout selling cookies. Nothing important.
Orochimaru: Ewwww! Little girls!
Sasuke: *kicks the door open* No one slams the door in Uchiha Sasuke's face!
Kabuto: Oh it's Sasuke-kun! *thinking* Just great, his Royal Emoness decided to show up.
Orochimaru: YAY! My new body arrived! To Sasuke-kun's body!
Sasuke: *smacks Orochimaru* Access denied! I'm not here for any freaky stuff, I'm here for power! Now give it to me!
Orochimaru: I knew you would come to me sooner or later, you just couldn't resist the dark side and-
Sasuke: POWER, kthnxbye!
Kabuto: You came here all alone... Sasuke-kun, isn't something missing?
Sasuke: Indeed! Where the hell is my backpack? I had one when I left Konoha but it just enigmatically disappeared somewhere between episodes #109 and #123. That just sucked. All my spare clothes were there! My iPod was there! Someone owes me a new backpack.
Kabuto: I was talking about the Sound Five...
Sasuke: What's that?
Orochimaru: Those five ninjas we sent to find you...?
[Two days earlier]
Sakon: Sasuke-sama, we're been waiting for you...
Sasuke: What's with the change of attitude? First you tried to kill me and now you're sucking up to me? You guys are as inconsistent as I am.
Kidomaru: The moment you left the the village, you became our boss. That was always the plan. Please forgive our earlier rudeness. No bad feelings, right?
Sasuke: Whatever. I don't give a shit. *thinking* Pfffft. Like I would forgive that. You guys are so dead.
Sakon: Next we're going to feed you this pill that kills you once and then we will shove you in this barrel *takes out an emo barrel that has stickers "Contains Sasuke! Handle With Care!", "This side up", "WARNING! Not for children 3 years or under due to small parts" and "Maximum Taste, No Sugar" stuck on it*
Sasuke: I must die...Once? Okay, so once I'm dead, what next?
Sakon: That's an interesting question. There are many theories about what will happen to you after death. The Eastern religions that hold a pantheistic worldview teach that one goes through an endless cycle of reincarnation until the cycle is broken and the person becomes one with the divine. However, most denominations of Christian theology teach that when a person's body dies, the soul is separated from the body and continues to exist forever...
Sasuke: ...Actually I didn't want any profound crap, I wanted to hear what happens after I have eaten this fucking pill...
Sakon: Oh, you will die.
Sasuke: Yes, you did make that clear. This might sound weird but I don't wanna die.
Sakon: Don't worry, you don't. We're going to use this barrel technique that will bring you back safe and sound.
Sasuke: This barrel thing of yours....um, is it really trustworthy?
Kidomaru: No need to be afraid Sasuke-sama. We're done this a hundred times, so we're bound to get it right sooner or later. *gives a thumb up*
Sasuke: ...I'm so screwed.
Sasuke: Oh right! Those guys... They ran into me but luckily I was able to ditch them.
Orochimaru: WHAT? What happened to my precious little Sound ninjas?
Sasuke: Not much. They were killed by a bunch of 12-year-olds. Shit happens.
Because of lack of time... All the so-interesting matches between Konoha ninjas and Sound ninjas in a nutshell:
[Jirobo vs. Chouji - "Magical Shoujo Transformation no Jutsu!"]
Chouji: I can't lose since I ate magical pellets! Chouji Moon Cristal Powah Transform GO! *gets a pair of glittering butterfly wings*
Jirobo: ...Now it's official; it's not just tea Kishimoto is drinking when he draws.
[Kidomaru vs. Neji - "Spiderman vs. Mary-Jane"]
Kidomaru: Blah blah blah You can't win blah blah Orochimaru pwns blah blah Sasuke is already in darkness blah blah DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BATM-I mean-SPIDERMAN! blah blah weirdass-spider-attack blah blah...
Neji: Blah blah blah FATE blah blah Naruto > Darkness blah blah My blind spot blah blah FATE blah blah Byakugan (or Macarena no Jutsu, whatever) blah blah FATE FATE FATE blah blah Oh look, birds!
[Sakon vs. Kiba - "A fight too boring to remember"]
Sakon: I was able to make a scratch.... Actually I tore open half of his stomach...*looks around* Now where did that boy go?
Ukon: Maybe he fled down the river so we would lose his scent?
Sakon: I'm sure he's not THAT stupid that he would go to swim in a river with an open wound...
...Meanwhile in the river...
Kiba: Do not underestimate the masochistic stupidity of Konoha genins!
[TayuyaShika vs TemaShika - "Some guys are just bound to be tied to a woman's apron strings"]
Tayuya: I'm gonna motherf%£@ing kill you, you motherf%£@ing motherf%£@er!
Shikamaru: Come on! Why do I always have to fight with girls? Does this girl even have any weapons?
Tayuya: I have this motherf%£@ing flute, for motherf%£@ing's sake!
Shikamaru: Oh great. First girl with bells, then a girl with a huge fan and now a girl with a flute...This is just troublesome! Maybe if I play dead...
Temari: *swings from the vine* AAAIIAEEAAAAAAAAAAA~! *picks Shikamaru up in her arms* Me Temari, you Nara Shikamaru from Team Ten.
Shikamaru: ...Was I just saved from a girl by another girl? Oh shit, it's that scary amazon from the Sand villge. Maybe if I play dead...
Temari: *points at Tayuya* Yo sister, why don't ya pick on someone your own sex? This bitch is mine!
Tayuya: Ex-motherf%£@ing-cuse me! Who do you motherf%£@ing think you are?
Temari: Does Temari have to kick your curse-sealed ass, hun? 'Cause I ain't got any problem with doing that.
Shikamaru: This is so troublesome.
Temari: Shut it or you're next.
Shikamaru: ...Yes ma'am.
[Kimimaro vs. Lee - "The honourable day when Lee mixed medicine with alcohol"]
Kimimaro: *stamps his foot in anger* No! No! No! I'm one of the angstiest characters in Naruto! I have one of the the most traumatic childhood's! I refuse to have my biggest fight with a drunked teenager who wears spandex! Isn't it horrible enough that my dear Lord Orochimaru wants to replace me with a younger model?
Lee: I'm not drunk *hiccup* I'm drunktashtic! Youth! *passes out*
Kimimaro: *points at Lee with his bone sword* Prepare to die!
Lee: *blinks* That'sh the biggesht boner I have ever sheen! *hiccup*
Kimimaro: ...You gotta be kidding me!
Gaara: *arrives* Leave that Konoha ninja alone!
Lee: I don't wanna be alone! *hiccup* Hi Gaara! Did you bring your boner too? Party!
Gaara: What the hell?! Have you been drinking?!
Lee: *takes another sip from a sake bottle* I'm killing the alcohol before it killsh me! Yoooooouth! *passes out*
Kimimaro: I wanted to die honorable!
Gaara: Not gonna happen, Calcium Kid.
Lee: *blinks* Dat'sh right! *clings himself around Gaara's neck* Come here often, cutie?
Gaara: ...
[Sasuke vs. Naruto - "How the hell were they able to talk to each other with a roaring cascade between them?"]
Naruto: SASUKEEEEEEEEEEE!
Sasuke: *turns around* Yo screw-up!
Naruto: Come back Sasuke!
Sasuke: What?
Naruto: COME BACK SASUKE!
Sasuke: I CAN'T HEAR YOU! THERE IS A CASCADE BETWEEN US!
Naruto: WHAT?!
Sasuke: I SAID THAT I CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE THERE IS A CASCA-
Naruto: I CAN'T HEAR YOU! THERE IS A CASCADE BETWEEN US!
Sasuke: THAT'S WHAT I SAID!
Naruto: WHAAAAT?! JUST COME BACK HOME, OK?!!
Sasuke: I'M GOING TO OROCHIMARU!
Naruto: WHERE?!?!
Sasuke: TO OROCHIMARU!
Naruto: COME! HOME! SASUKE!
Sasuke: QUIT THAT "COME HOME BOY"-CRAP ALREADY! WHAT AM I? LASSIE?
Naruto: HUH?!? WHO HAS FALLEN DOWN THE OLD WELL?!?
Sasuke: *facepalm*
Kabuto: ...
Orochimaru: ...
Sasuke: So yeah. I wish I could express some sympathy but I really don't give a crap. I survived and that's all that really matters. Since I’m gonna live here from now on…Where is my room?
Kabuto: Okay, how the hell were you able to flashback things you weren't even involved in?
Sasuke: The gift of my heretity. The Sharingan gives your eyes four different kinds of power: 1) The power of illusion techniques, 2) The power to plagiarize other people's techniques, 3) The power to flashback to things which don't include you and 4) The irresistable bedroom eyes. *flicks hair* What can I say? I'm not made of awesome, the awesome is made of me.
Kabuto: ...
Orochimaru: So what did Naruto-kun say when yo-
Sasuke: *smacks Orochimaru in the face with Chidori*
Kabuto: *whispers to Orochimaru* Orochimaru-sama, I think that Sasuke-kun is trying to hint that he doesn't want to talk about it.
Orochimaru: *rubs his burned cheek* You think?
Kabuto: *whispers* I think it would be the best if we didn't mention anything that reminds him of Naruto-kun.
Orochimaru: *whispers back* Got it. Not a word about Naruto-kun *to Sasuke* Hey Sasuke-kun, we were going to get some lunch. You want some ramen?
Kabuto: ...*facepalm*
Sasuke: *twitchtwitch* *shoots a murderous glance at Orochimaru (And if looks could kill, the mortal remains of Orochimaru would have been carried out in several pieces)*
And after that unnecessarily long proloque…The title:
The Crack Shippuuden #06⅛: The Boy Who Angsted
Three years later we meet 15-year-old Sasuke who had become stronger, smarter and had even less personality than before. Exciting, isn’t it?
Orochimaru: I’m so proud of you Sasuke-kun! In just these three years you have exceeded all my expectations of becoming a total asshole, which sure is a lot since we all did have high hopes for you.
Sasuke: …
Orochimaru: Today I will teach you to summon. It's one of the most complicated techniques to master. You must perform the proper handseals and offer a few additional drops of blood with the same hand you signed the contract with to perform the summon. The amount of chakra offered at this time is directly proportionate to the size of the summoned creature-
Sasuke: Yeah yeah, just show me the handseals.
Orochimaru: Hey! I'm the ninja master here and when I talk, you listen and-GIVING ME THE FINGER ISN'T A PROPER HANDSEAL!
Sasuke: I'm a ninja genius, I don't need to hear this crap. It took me five minutes to master all the techniques you've shown me. Sheeeesh, and I thought being your student would be a challenge.
Orochimaru: Fine! Try summoning without my guidance. You're just going to end up failing big time! Then I'm going to rub it in your-
Sasuke: *snaps fingers* Here basilisk!
[Orochimaru's giant snake pet, Manda, appears]
Orochimaru: ...
Sasuke: Okay, then what?
Orochimaru: ...
Sasuke: Can't you teach me anything that has even a hint of a challenge?
Orochimaru: Don't get cocky yet. You managed to summon but it doesn't mean that summon would accept you as its master. Manda is a very prideful creature and hates to be summoned. He takes orders from no one. Even I haven't gained his respect yet so I don't think you can-
Sasuke: Nagini! *throws a stick* Fetch boy!
Manda: *wriggles after the stick*
Sasuke: Good boy!
Orochimaru: ...You're trying to piss me off on purpose, aren't you?
Sasuke: I just can't help that I'm this damn awesome. *pats Manda* Good Nagini!
Orochimaru: His name is Manda! Stop making Voldemort references!
Sasuke: But you do look like him.
Orochimaru: No I don't! I hate when people keep mixing me up with him. I bet that never happens to him!
Once again Orochimaru was wrong, since meanwhile somewhere in England...
[Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - the missing scene]
Voldemort: It's time to end this, Potter! The darkness shall rise once more! Avada Ke-
Harry: Expecto Pat-
Naruto: *shoves Harry out of his way and jumps to grab Voldemort by the collar* GIVE SASUKE BACK YOU SNAKE PEDOPHILE!!
Voldemort/Harry: What the-
Ron: Bloody hell!
Hermione: Merlin's Beard! A character who isn't a white, middle-class Brit? In Harry Potter?!
Naruto: *shakes Voldemort* Where is Sasuke?! Don't make me go Rasengan on your snake-ass!
Harry: Bu-But that was supposed to be my mighty wizard battle!
Naruto: *shoots a glare at Harry* Don't butt in, four-eyes, this is personal!
Harry: Personal?! My parents are dead!
Naruto: Whose parents aren't?
Sakura: *comes running* Naruto! Naruto! What are you doing?! That's not Orochimaru!
Naruto: *blinks* What do you mean? He's white, evil-looking, he has a huge snake and a lousy servant *points at Wormtail* Hi Kabuto!
Wormtail: ...
Sakura: But Orochimaru wasn't bald...
Naruto: ...Maybe he changed his hairstyle?
Sakura: I don't think we're in the Sound...
Naruto: If this isn't Sound, where are we?
Sakura: Ask Sai, he was the one reading the map.
Everyone turns to look at Sai who is currently trying to improve his social skills...by talking about his favorite subject. fail.
Sai: *points at Harry* You lack penis *points at Ron* You lack penis *points at Neville* You lack penis *points at Fred...or George* You lack penis *points at Ginny*...According to the last three books you've had a lot of penis, you slu-
Sasuke: SAI! I thought you were supposed to read the map!
Sai: I think this would be a great time to tell a couple of things... First of all, I don't know how to read a map.
Naruto/Sakura: WHAT?!
Sakura: Sai! Why didn't you tell us sooner?!
Sai: No one asked.
Naruto: But I asked you thousands of times if you're sure you knew where we're going!
Sai: That's the other thing. I don't ever pay attention to anything you two say to me. I usually just read yaoi doujinshi and agree with whatever you're saying just to end the discussion.
Naruto: You do WHAT?!
Sai: *is reading SasuNaru doujinshi* Yes, that sounds great. I totally agree.
Everyone: ...
Then Naruto and co. left and Hermione used a spell to modify everyone's memory so this part was cut out of the 7th book, which is kinda a shame...
----
Sasuke: I have a feeling that Naruto is doing something stupid.
Orochimaru: You know maybe we should go to see Voldemort one of these days. Didn't we have so much fun when he invited us to have tea with him?
Sasuke: Hell no! I was so bored.
Orochimaru: I thought we were having a great time. At least until you started to fight with Malfoy junior.
Sasuke: We just had a little conflict of opinion. He claimed to be more emo than I am. He stated his side of the argument and I-
Orochimaru: You snapped his magic wand in half and punched him in the jaw! I don't think I have even been that embarrassed in my whole life...
Sasuke: That should teach him to try to out-emo me.
Orochimaru: I'm lucky that Voldemort even talks to me after you behaved so badly.
Sasuke: Who cares. I hate him anyway. I'm so tired of his griping about his useless servants and his attempts to recruit me to the Death Eaters. And if someone tries to shove one more slice of that fucking treacle tart he had baked down my throat, I'm gonna puke...
Orochimaru: Don't say that. Lord Voldemort is a really open and pleasant Ruler of the Darkness. But he did keep warning me about black-haired emo boys... I wonder why...
Sasuke: That guy thinks way too highly of himself. Someday he will be sorry that he is so cheeky to black-haired emo boys...
Kabuto: I know that you don't get along with him but he did send us that nice mirror for Christmas. I think that was really generous of him.
Sasuke: I hate that mirror. Every time I try to look at it to fix my hair, it just keeps flashing me these highly disturbing images of me doing some REALLY inappropriate things to Naruto on Itachi's grave. I think the damn thing is cursed. *mumbles* Stupid Mirror of Erised...
Orochimaru: ...
Kabuto: ....
Sasuke: ...What?
Orochimaru: Change the subject, Kabuto! For god’s sake, change the subject.
Kabuto: BOARD GAMES!
Sasuke: I beg your fucking pardon?
Kabuto: Eh…you know…Since your training is over today we could play board games.
Orochimaru: Yeah, didn’t we have so much fun last time we played Monopoly?
Sasuke: …No.
Sasuke: I'll pass. I'm gonna watch TV.
Orochimaru: But Sasuke-kun! The TV nowdays isn't anything but violence, sex and humiliating people!
Sasuke: Great, isn't it?
Kabuto: We don't have a TV.
Sasuke: Oh yeah...
Kabuto: And why don't we have a TV?
Sasuke: Since...I might have broken it.
Kabuto: You threw it at the wall!
Sasuke: Orochimaru was the one who forced me to watch Naruto Shippu! Konoha Gakuen Den!
Orochimaru: I liked it! I look so cute in the dress!
Sasuke: ...Thanks a lot! Do you have any idea how long I have tried to get THAT mental image out of my head! *sigh* And I thought the Naruto animation team quit whatever they were smoking when the fillers ended... Naruto High School OVA! Yep, hell has finally frozen over... What the hell were they thinking at Studio Pierrot when they created that crap!
Good question! At Studio Pierrot's (Their new slogan: SasuNaru - Since the other OTPs are just faking it!) office only three months earlier, the Naruto animation team was having a really SERIOUS meeting, which probably went like this:
"Welcome to Pierrot's monthly Naruto Anime meeting. This month's topic: How are we going to fleece money from Naruto fans this year?"
"With making a new movie! Ticket proceeds!"
"We really should come up with a better idea for the movie than we did in the last three years. It's true what they say, when you have seen one Naruto movie you have seen them all."
"Hey dude, it's a NARUTO movie! So even if we just showed 90 minutes of Team Gai doing Hare Hare Yukai, it still would make us 1.5 billion."
"Not to mention all the money we get from the overcharged by-products."
"What will we call the movie?"
"What's wrong with the name "SasuNaru the Movie: Just Another Attempt to Cash In"?"
"It does tell everything there is to tell about that movie..."
"Let's call it "Naruto Shippuuden 2: The Bonds" instead. It will make all the yaoi fangirls throw their money at us!"
"It sounds so beautiful..."
"Yeah, it is a really emotion-filled title."
"Actually I was talking about the beautiful sound of ka-chinking cash register. I can already hear it!"
"So we will make this movie just to clean out all the yaoi fangirls who can't resist the power of our well-organized marketing?"
"DUH! That pretty much covers it-"
"...SWEET!"
"I feel like ripping off the fangirls already but the fifth movie won't be in theaters until this summer..."
"Hey, we could make a special episode! We could put it in the DVD extras to make sure that all the fangirls will buy it..."
"That sounds profitable. But what will the episode be about?"
"How about...Naruto in High School! With some small references to the original storyline. Picture it: Naruto could be this new strange transfer student. Yeah, and he and Sasuke would be rivals. No one will like him at first, but then in a turn of events Naruto will save a bunch of girls and they all will be friends."
"...That is no doubt the most stupid, ridiculous and cliché thing I have ever heard... It's gonna be HUGE!"
"Any details about the plot?"
"Hell with the plot! Let's just put together 10 minutes of totally pointless fanservice of all the possible pairings! The fangirls will totally fall for that."
"What kind of fanservice?"
"Sakura liking Sasuke, of course."
"Naruto and Hinata could go on a date."
"Sakura could make Naruto a sweater."
"We could even hint towards the relationship between Sasuke and Itachi."
"I want a scene where Naruto ends up kissing Sasuke with his pants around his ankles."
"..."
"..."
"Kishimoto-sama, shouldn't you be drawing?"
"I have already finished this week's chapter of Sasuke the manga."
"...Isn't it called Naruto the manga?"
"I think the last 50 chapters beg to differ."
----
Orochimaru: Say whatever you want Sasuke-kun, I still think that OVA was great!
Sasuke: I hate it!
Kabuto: I thought you were just afraid that the fact that you end up kissing Naruto-kun in every possible universe may give people something to think about.
Orochimaru: Have to say it was pretty SasuNaru.
Sasuke: WHAT THE HELL IS WITH EVERYONE?! THERE ISN'T SUCH A THING AS SASUNARU!
Orochimaru: But all the hints...
Sasuke: Okay, let me make this clear to the whole fandom: NO; Fighting isn't my idea of foreplay! NO; I'm not doing *it* with Naruto. The only time I have been inside of him was when I stuck my arm through his chest. And NO; when Naruto punches me I am not cherishing the thought that he touched my cheek - I'm coughing blood! And, most of all, NO; when I say "Naruto, we'll end this battle once and for all" it doesn't get translated to "Hey baby, let's rip up each other's clothes while wresting in chocolate pudding and see where that leads us..."! Get your minds out of the gutter, people!
Orochimaru: My mind likes to be in the gutter.
Sasuke: Doesn't the fucking fact that last time Naruto and I met I was going to kill him at my whim say ANYTHING to ANYONE?!
Orochimaru: That would have been more convicing if your arm wasn't around him...
Sasuke: Hey! I was just making my point to him!
Orochimaru: Just out of curiosity: What kind of point are you trying to make when you have your arm around someone and you whisper things in his ear? Seriously! When it comes to you and Naruto-kun, you can never tell if you're threatening his life or coming on to him.
Sasuke: None of your business!
Kabuto: So, how are you going to "make your point" to him next time you two meet? By thrusting your tongue in his throat and your hand in his pants?
Sasuke: *shoves Kabuto’s head through the wall*
Orochimaru: No bloodshed in the kitchen, Sasuke-kun. We just got new wallpaper.
Orochimaru: …Sooo…What are we going to do now, when we have no TV?
Sasuke: I could tell about my childhood.
Orochimaru/Kabuto: NO!
Orochimaru: We have heard that same story like a zillion times!
Sasuke: But if I keep flashbacking to my tragic childhood, the fans feel bad for me and I can kill their favourite characters without them minding…
Orochimaru: Sasuke-kun, you haven’t exactly killed anyone…
Sasuke: My bad. I must be foreseeing things… So how about some flashbacks?
Orochimaru: No.
Kabuto: No!
The Fandom: NO!
The whole world: NO!!!!!!!!!!
Sasuke: Oh, yeah? Well, bite me!
So for those who have missed it, it’s time to present (once again):
[The Long-ass Flashback of Sasuke's Angsty Childhood] (…yay!)
Itachi: Sasuke! We're going home.
Sasuke: But you said you would teach me to beat up nerds. Pretty pleeeeeeease? I can't start school if I don't know how to torture people.
Itachi: Not today Sasuke. I have an important mission tomorrow.
Sasuke: *quivers lip* But you promised!
Itachi: Sorry Sasuke, maybe another time...
Sasuke: *pout* You're a liar.
Itachi: *pokes Sasuke's forehead* Quit with the uke face, you're an Uchiha.
Sasuke: Stop poking my face, big brother. Some day you will pluck out my eye...
----
Orochimaru: Who is that little boy? He's so cute.
Sasuke: That's me.
Orochimaru: What the hell?!? But that thing is....Smiling?! That can't be you.
Sasuke: There used to be a time when I wasn't an emo and constantly ranting about my revenge.
Orochimaru: ...You are just fucking with me, aren't you?
----
Itachi: *is carrying Sasuke on his back* You're smiling even though you twisted your ankle by being ridiculously clumsy? Are you just catching a ride?
Sasuke: I'm so excited that I will start school too. Finally father will respect me as much as he respects you. When I grow up I'm gonna be as emo as you are, big brother!
Itachi: Sure you will.
Fugaku Uchiha: *comes out from the shadows* Who's your daddy?
Itachi/Sasuke: Good morning, Father.
Fugaku: Itachi, it's really nice of you to spend time with your little sister but you should be focusing on your missions.
Sasuke: I'm a boy!
Fugaku: Not now, Sasuke... Itachi, it's been only six months since your promotion to chuunin and you've already come so far. That's my boy! Daddy Uchiha approves. If tomorrow's mission is successful your entrance into the ANBU will be assured.
Sasuke: Father, tomorrow is my-
Fugaku: Shut it, young lady!
Itachi: Give me a break, father. I graduated from academy in a year. You don’t have to look after me anymore. For me, entering the ANBU will be a piece of cake.
Fugaku: That’s what I expect from my favorite son. Daddy Uchiha approves. *walks away*
Sasuke: *sigh* I wish father would respect me as much as he respects you.
Itachi: You know father respects you too.
Sasuke: Oh yeah?
[Uchiha Sasuke, 4 years old]
Sasuke: Father! Father! I just drew a picture. Wanna see? This is mom, this is you, this is big brother, this is me...
Fugaku: Not now Sasuke. *glances Sasuke* When Itachi was your age, he had drawn thousands of pictures. In fact, they even removed that painting of the woman with the weird smile in the Louvre to make room for Itachi's drawing. *sigh* Why can't you be more like him?
Sasuke: *facefall*
[Uchiha Sasuke, 5 years old]
Sasuke: Father! Father! I just learned how to throw a shuriken! Wanna see?
Fugaku: Not now Sasuke.*glances Sasuke* When Itachi was your age, he was an expert at using a shuriken. He had also mastered Sharingan and all the fire techniques. *sigh* Why can't you be more like him?
Sasuke: *facefall*
[Uchiha Sasuke, 6 years old]
Sasuke: Father! Father! I just got an A+ on my first test. Wanna see?
Fugaku: Not now Sasuke. *glances Sasuke* When Itachi was your age, he had already won a Nobel Prize for his examination of illusion techniques. *sigh* Why can't you be more like him?
Sasuke: *facefall*
[Uchiha Sasuke, 7 years old]
Sasuke: Father! Father! I just-*pause* You know, NEVER MIND! Whatever I have done I'm sure Itachi has done it earlier, faster and better! Why am I not more like him, since nothing I do will ever be able to compare to him! All hail Itachi!
Fugaku: You're starting to learn, Sasuke. I thought you would bother me every single year with your lame achievements.
Itachi: ...Okay, I see your point.
-----
Sasuke: *has his face buried in his hands* Dad never noticed me!
Kabuto: That’s really interesting. *yawn*
Orochimaru: That was a nice story. Now can we go?
Sasuke: I’m just getting started here! Two weeks after I had started school…
Kabuto: … *is trying to kill himself with a spoon*
Orochimaru: …*is trying to hang himself with his own tongue*
-----
The Uchiha Family is having a dinner.
Fugaku: *is reading the book A Coup D'etat for the Beginners*
Itachi: *is reading the book A Massacre for the Learners*
Sasuke: *is reading the book Angst for the Rookies*
Mikoto: Boys, put those books away while we’re having a family dinner! Itachi-dear, how about if you asked cousin Shisui to come to eat dinner with us tomorrow. We haven’t seen him in a while…
Itachi: You know mom, I think he can’t make it.
Mikoto: Oh, you think so?
Itachi: Positive. He’s probably way too busy with all his stuff. Like ANBU missions, paper work, getting murdered…*some manical laugh* ….Can you pass the salt, please?
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #1 (Did they, like, ever have names?): Itachi Uchiha, drag your sexy ass out here right now!
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #2: We know what you did last night!
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #3: And it’s even worse than what it sounds!
Fugaku: Weird. That sounds like our relatives…
Mikoto: Oh they have come for a visit. How lovely! I’ll go get more plates!
Itachi: Oh what brings you all here?
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #1: It’s your cousin Shisui… He commited suicide.
Itachi: O what a tragedy! This came out of nowhere!
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #2: He left this note…
Hi friends and family! :D
I'm tired of life! I have no future as an Uchiha! My life sucks: I have a huge amount of stress, I think I'm fat, my girlfriend left me, my cat set on fire and died and Shisui is a girl's name! :( This morning there was a carton of old milk in the fridge so I couldn't eat cereal for breakfast. That was the last drop! >_> Goodbye cruel world! I'm gonna kill myself! Kill, I say! It's not like I was murdered or anything...
GG!
Suicidally yours,
Uchiha Shisui
PS. I leave my Xbox 360 to my very best friend Itachi.
Itachi: Well, I think we should respect his last wish. Come Sasuke, let’s go get my new Xbox!
Sasuke: YAY!
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #3: Shisui died last night… It sure seems like it was a suicide, but…
Itachi: I'm crying inside. Booo-fucking-hooo! Now if you excuse me I have some evidence to destroy...
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #1: We don’t think it was a suicide.
Itachi: O the plot twist!
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #1: We don’t believe it’s possible to commit a suicide by stabbing yourself in the back, and then three hours after your death to bury yourself in the flowerbed.
Itachi: Well you know cousin Shisui, he was always pretty thorough…
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #1: We think YOU did it!
Itachi: Is it because I have no alibi?
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #2: No.
Itachi: Is it because this letter is dated one day AFTER he died?
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #3: No.
Itachi: Is it because this is my handwriting?
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #1: No.
Itachi: Is it because my footprints were found at the crime scene?
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #2: No.
Itachi: Is it because my fingerprints were found at the crime scene?
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #3: No.
Itachi: Is it because I was found at the crime scene?
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #1: Nope.
Itachi: Then why? Why do you think it was me?
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #1: We just never liked you.
Itachi: ...Sasuke, someday you're going to ask me why. Well, this is why!
[The next day]
Fugaku: My own son! My own son is seen as a murderer! That accusation is an insult to my whole family! No Uchiha has ever, EVER killed someone and left a body to be found. What if they arrest him? I can’t let them take my only son from me!
Sasuke: HEY!
Fugaku: My little Itachi in jail? You know what happens to pretty boys in jail?!
Mikoto: *is doing dishes* Yes. Uchihas happen to pretty boys in jail, dear.
Fugaku: …Oh yeah! But still! He’s my only child!
Sasuke: AM I INVISIBLE OR SOMETHING?!
Fugaku: What am I going to do?! Itachi was my favorite son! I need a son!
Mikoto: You could finally spend some time with Sasuke, he's your son too.
Fugaku: OR... We could just make a new one! Mikoto, meet me in the bedroom in five minutes.
Mikoto: ...*murderous aura* SPEND. TIME. WITH. SASUKE.
Fukgaku: ...Yes, dear. Sasuke, want to learn a technique?
Sasuke: *eyes sparkle* Oh boy do I?
[At the dock]
Fugaku: FLAMETHROWER NO JUTSU! *bursts out a huge flame*
Sasuke: Amazing! Breathing fire... How is that possible?
Fugaku: We're Uchihas. We're so hot that we can breathe fire. This fire technique was created by one of our ancestors. Ironically, he was arrested by the police force he had founded and was sent to the prison he had built because of his pyromaniac tendency... Now you try.
Sasuke: Yes! *handseals* Fire style! Fireball technigue! *coughs out a small wisp of smoke*
[awkward silence]
Fugaku: Like I thought, it's WAY too early for you. Itachi was able to do this at the age of six, but you...
Sasuke: I'm sorry...I...
Fugaku: *sigh* Sasuke, you're like a son to me so...
Sasuke: Um...I am your son.
Fugaku: Shut up when your father is talking to you. I'm gonna tell you something that I heard from my father and he heard from my grandfather... Something that your son will someday hear from you....
Sasuke: Yes?
Fugaku: "QUIT BEING A WUSS AND TRY HARDER!"
Sasuke: ...
Fugaku: That's all for today. *pats Sasuke on the head* Why don't you ask your mother to teach you something girly, that you could actually be able to master? Like embroidery or making cross-stitch patterns?
Sasuke: *facefall*
Fugaku: Now that the smile has left your little face, I'm off! I have your brother's self-esteem to destroy. *walks away*
[Scene of Sasuke practicing his ass off to master the fire breathing technique]
The second step to be accepted as a full-fledged member of the Uchiha clan is to be able to use fire style jutsus.
...The first step is to face the fact that you're a total self-important asshole.
[Week later]
Sasuke: *has burns on his cheeks from practicing so much* Father! Father! I just mastered the fire jutsu! Wanna see?
Fugaku: Not now Sasuke. It's only been a week. You'll just end up sucking. A lot. Why don't you be m-
Sasuke: AND [BLEEP] I WILL! I SAID I'M GONNA SHOW THIS [BLEEP]]ING JUTSU AND I WON'T TAKE 'NO' FOR AN ANSWER THIS TIME! DO WHAT I [BLEEP]ING SAY!
Fugaku: Now that's something that a true Uchiha would say!
Soon at the dock...
Sasuke: *blows out a gigantic fireball making the lake boil (and accidentally burning one old fisherman alive but that's another story...)*
Fugaku: ...*almost has an expression on his face*
Sasuke: *turns to his father waiting to hear what he will say*
Fugaku: *starts to walk away*
Sasuke: *facefall*
For thirty seconds the whole fandom is cursing Sasuke's father to the deepest depths of hell for being a jerk... But then!
Fuaku: That's my boy. Daddy Uchiha approves.
Sasuke: *eyes sparkle and smiles brightly* (Yes, that sounds impossible but it DID happen)
Fugaku: From now on, live up to the crest on your back, better yourself and soar to great heights.
Sasuke: I will!
Fugaku: One more thing. Don't follow your brother's footsteps anymore. *pause* He has taken the wrong route. *pause* And he also runs into walls.
[Next day]
Sasuke: Yesterday I was happy that father acknowledged me, but.... Since he's not on good terms with big brother... I wonder if father just thinks of me as a substitute for Itachi...
Mikoto: But Sasuke-dear, what makes you say that?
Sasuke: He wants to rename me Itachi v2.0
Fugaku: *appears in the kitchen* What is it Sasuke, my NEW favorite son?
Itachi: *follows him* Eat my shorts, dad.
Fugaku: Why you little-- *strangles Itachi*
Mikoto: *ignores the fact that his husband is strangling their oldest son in the kitchen* Sasuke-dear...Itachi is who he is, you are who you are. Father cares about both of you.
Fugaku: *still strangling Itachi* You're so out of my will!
Itachi: *cough* See if I care!
Sasuke: *ignores Itachi and his father fighting* Then why is everything always about Itachi?
Mikoto: Itachi is older than you, that's all-
Fugaku: Older, smarter, prettier, more talented...
Mikoto: Since he is older, he is entrusted with performing clan duties...
Itachi: Fuck the clan duties! Fuck the clan! Fuck you dad! YOU SUCK!
Fugaku: OH YEAH? WELL, YOUR MOM!
Mikoto: *smacks Fugaku with a skillet*
Fugaku: *krhm* I meant YOUR beautiful and youthful MOM! Mikoto, that son of yours is going to be the death of us someday!
Mikoto: *whispers to Sasuke* But just between you and me... When your father and I talk, he talks about you all the time... *smile*
Sasuke: *smile*
Now that Sasuke's life seems a little bit happier...TO THE KILLING THE CLAN SCENE!
(After the Uchiha Massacre: The Uchiha clan: 0 Itachi: 1 Sasuke: -4 Madara: 100)
Sasuke: Why did you do it, big brother?! WHY?!?
Itachi: To measure my capacity. And because I hate family reunions.
Sasuke: But why did you have to you kill everyone?! You could have at least left mother. I liked mother.
Itachi: Because I can, foolish little brother.
Sasuke: Mother! Father! *cries on the ground* My parents are dead!
Itachi: Big deal. My parents are dead too but you don't see me bawling over it.
Sasuke: You're the one who killed them!
Itachi: Don't focus on details, Sasuke. *pokes his forehead* After all, this is for your own good... You'll become the one through whom I can confirm my ability. You have that potential. You've felt anger and hated me. I let you live...For my sake. Now you just have to-
Sasuke: Why would I do anything you say? You murdered everyone!
Itachi: In my defense, I can say that I didn't kill grandma. *pause* But she did die of a heart attack when she saw me killing grandpa.
Sasuke: So she's dead too?!
Itachi: Well yeah but TECHNICALLY I didn't kill her.
Sasuke: You heartless monster!
Itachi: ...You really are making an issue of this, arent you? Sasuke, just like me you have the power to awaken the Mangekyo Sharingan. But there is a catch.
Sasuke: A catch?
Itachi: You have to...have sex with your best friend.
Sasuke: I have to do WHAT?!
Itachi: Just messing with you! I had to make sure you're listening since this is really important. To get super-Sharingan, you have to kill your closest friend.
Sasuke: I don't even have any friends.
Itachi: And let's face it, you probably never will. It's because of your bad nature and short temper. But I do believe that someday you will find a person who will know that you're a total asshole but will still love you. The person who will cherish the bond with you. The person who sees something good in a coward like you. When you find that one person who can make you happy...remember to kill him.
Sasuke: Then you're the one who killed Shisui?
Itachi: Your power of deduction amazes me. Yes, I killed him and now I have the cool eyes. Right now you're not even worth killing. If you want to kill me, settle for hating me...
Sasuke: I HATE YOU!
Itachi: *ruffles Sasuke's hair* That's the spirit. Hate me and live like the coward you are. Clinging to life without honor. And someday when you have the same eyes as I... You will find me again.
Sasuke: But but... How can I survive from now on? I'm only seven years old, I can't take care of myself!
Itachi: ...Hmmm, I hadn't thought of that. *pokes Sasuke's forehead* But it's your headache now. See ya! *disappears*
Sasuke: *le sob*
---
Sasuke: ...And then he was gone. The man I looked up to was the man who made me live through the hell of hatred. Because of him I was condemned to live alone...
Orochimaru/Kabuto: *snore*
Sasuke: ...NO ONE SLEEPS WHEN UCHIHA SASUKE IS HAVING A FLASHBACK!
Orochimaru: *wakes up with a start* Sure I was paying attention... It was something about your angst, right?
Sasuke: *wangstwangst* No one can possibly understand how it feels to lose everything! One day you're happy and the next thing you know is that your brother is psychotic asswipe. *sigh* My parents were dead. My grandparents were dead. My aunts and uncles were dead. My cousins were dead. My hamster was dead-
Kabuto: ...Your hamster?
Sasuke: Itachi fed it to my cat. Then my cat got run over by a car.
Kabuto: There aren't any cars in Konoha.
Sasuke: Itachi had to rent one from the Sand just so he could run over my cat. Then because I had to attempt all of those funerals, I forgot to water our house plants so those died too. *buries his face in his hands* It was a very depressing time for me.
Orochimaru: Poor angsty baby! *whispers to Kabuto* Is it just me or does this story just get worse every time?
----
Orochimaru: You know, after I have taken over Sasuke-kun's body I'm gonna need a new body container.
Sasuke: What are you going to do then? Go to the forest to bite young boys again?
Orochimaru: That is so old-fashioned, Sasuke-kun. Way too obvious, too. We will try something more cunning this time.
Sasuke: What?
Orochimaru: Putting a job advertisement in the newspaper.
Sasuke: What the hell?!
Kabuto: You're so devilish, Orochimaru-sama.
Sasuke: You think some newspaper would print a job advertisement where you're looking for a new body?!
Kabuto: *holds up the morning paper* They already did in Konoha News.
Sasuke: Give me that! *takes the morning news from Kabuto and reads* "Are you angsty and lonely? Do you have natural talent as well as malice and a lust for power within you? Have you sworn revenge but lack strength? Has your village not given you the teaching you need to reach your goal? Do you think you have the potential to become a great man's underling? Have you always wanted to face your end in an extremely disturbing way? Are you an 11-15-year-old boy? NOW you have a perfect opportunity to reach your goal! One three-year apprenticeship contract is open for applications! "Tired of life"-attitude and secret techniques that only occur in members of your clan are beneficial. Don't bother your head with things like morals or instinct of self preservation - just send your application today! All you have to do is send an informal application, your CV and a picture of yourself (nude photos give extra points!) to the address below and you're one step closer to your dream of being a weapon of total destruction!"
Orochimaru: Pretty cool, huh?
Sasuke: Who the fuck is so stupid they would answer an advertisement like this?
[Meanwhile somewhere else...]
Sai: *is reading Konoha News* What an interesting job advertisement! I think I'll send an application since I have so many good nude pictures of me. ♥
Orochimaru: *still reading the newspaper* Hey, my horoscope says that I should be careful since there is a backstabber in my close circle of friends...
Sasuke: ...
Orochimaru: Sasuke-kun...
Sasuke: Eh... Yes?
Orochimaru: We should keep an eye on Kabuto.
Kabuto: WHAT? But Orochimaru-sama, haven't I proven that I'm always your most humble servant? I have served you for almost ten years without getting paid! I thought I was your closest...
Orochimaru: Nah. I automatically lose interest in anything that is over 15-years-old. You're way too old for my taste. What are you? Twenty-two? Get in the old people's house, grandpa.
Kabuto: Bu-But I'm over 30 years younger than you are.
Orochimaru: Bitch, you didn't just go there... I’m hardly over twenty.
Sasuke: In what? Dog years?
Orochimaru: Sasuke-kun, age is just a state of mind.
Sasuke: Tell it to your face.
Kabuto: If you should think ill of someone, it's that thankless emo! *points at Sasuke*
Orochimaru: Nonsense! Could someone with such a cute face be planning something evil?
Kabuto: *looks at Sasuke*
Sasuke: *has his sadistic smirk spread across his face*
Kabuto: *turns back to Orochimaru* Yes?
Orochimaru: Come on! Sasuke wouldn't betray me! He loves and respects me. Right, Sasuke-kun?
Sasuke: Fuck you.
Kabuto: See!
Orochimaru: You're just being paranoid. Sasuke is just at the obstinate age.
Sasuke: Horoscopes are nothing but crap anyway. Mostly they're just abstract stuff written by some hippie. Just see what mine says. I bet it's something like "You're going to meet a tall stranger or you have a high possibility to win in the lottery."
Kabuto: Let's see... Here it is...
LEO (June 23 - August 22)
You're under the illusion that you're a born leader - in reality you're nothing but an arrogant bossy-boots. You have many good traits like your sense of justice and determination, but they're all unfortunately overshadowed by your egocentricity and incredible stupidity. Like a lion you only roar to pretend that you're tougher than you really are.
Your love life is mostly dead as a doornail. You have some sort of twisted S/M-style of fondness towards people who constantly piss you off and who would rather kick your ass instead of trying to get a piece of it. Your ideal partner would be a Libra - someone as imprudent, unyielding and stubborn as you! Although the sex life of you two would be as frantic as a fast-forwarded 24 hour-porn-movie marathon (SRSLY! You two would be like two nymphomaniac-rabbits. In heat. In the mating season. After eating nothing but Viagra for the last two weeks.) all you really want is some understanding, regard and caring. GO BACK TO YOUR BITCH, SISSY!
Sasuke: ....*mouth hanging open* W-H-A-T?
Orochimaru: Well that sure gives you something to think about...
Kabuto: I know I agree with this.
Orochimaru: You don't happen to know anyone who would be a Libra?
Sasuke: NONONONONONONONONONONONO!
Orochimaru: Too bad...
Sasuke: Do-Does my horoscope really say that?
Kabuto: No.
Sasuke: ....What?
Kabuto: I just made it all up to tease you. Actually it just says that you're going to meet a tall stranger and have a high possibility to win in the lottery. I totally got you!
Orochimaru: Good one, Kabuto! Sasuke-kun, you’re so easy to fool. Hahahaha!
Sasuke: ....
Kabuto: Hahahahahaha! You should have seen the look on your face, Sasuke-kun!
Orochimaru: Hahahhaha! Totally PWNED!
Sasuke: .....*TWITCH*
Orochimaru: Oh dear...
Epilogue
Kabuto: *is reading the book "How to Understand Troubled Children"* Sasuke-kun seriously lacks a sense of humour.
Orochimaru: *is reading the book "How to Understand Angsty Body Containers"* He can't take any criticism.
Kabuto: *puts up glasses* As a doctor, my diagnosis would be that Sasuke-kun's lack of compassion which inclines towards violence, apathy and pseudoskeptic approach to the personal relationships are all signs of a troubled relationship with his father, infinitesimal child-mother relationship and inferiority complex caused by his older sibling. Also his apparent love-hate-relationship filled with sexual tension with his best friend is a result from the distortion of the aggressive component of his sexual instinct that mirrors his paradoxical yearning for being acknowledged. That drives him into conscious self-denial and he expresses this by working off his anger and insecurity on fellow men verbally and physically. Together that and his negative attitude towards socializing, moral nihilistic idea of the world and narcissistic self-portrait have made him to become the depressed and sadistic nervous wreck he is.
Orochimaru: I'm not following...
Kabuto: All the crap life has been throwing at him has rendered him a totally irritating bastard.
Orochimaru: Now I'm with you.
Kabuto: Living with His Royal Emoness is such a hell!
Orochimaru: His emoness...Can we do anything about it?
Kabuto: As a doctor I would say that he needs therapy. But as a person who has to live with him, I suggest that we shoot him in the head three times. If that doesn't cure emo, nothing does.
Orochimaru: Therapy is nonsense. We're both adults, I think we can handle one 15-year-old.
Kabuto: You're right as always, sir. How long do you think we have to hide from him here under the bed?
Orochimaru: Till he calms down...
Kabuto: And when is that?
Orochimaru: In a week or two.
THE END ♥
A/N: Thank you for reading~! (And sorry for the brain-rape!) ♥
Now with even more flashbacks and even less plot! GO GO!
Author: momopi
Warnings: Bad language. Bad behaviour. Bad! If anything in this crap makes you crack a smile, people may find your sense of humour extremely questionable. Script-format.
Words: 7,579 (...how did THAT happen?)
Disclaimer: Naruto owns me :D
Summary: "What's wrong with the name "SasuNaru the Movie: Just Another Attempt to Cash In"?" ...And that's about it!
Author's Note: Pure crack. Just some innocent crack from fangirl to fellow fangirls. Don't take this as any sort of offence.
The earlier parts can be found: HERE (MOAR CRACK)
WARNING: This fic makes slightly less sense than average Naruto fillers. Like THIS one. Really...WTF?
SPOILER: Naruto chapters #1-405 (...yeah)
SPOILER: Sasuke is an avenger.
SPOILER: Spoilers spoil!
Since Kishimoto has dedicated this year to telling every possible detail that Sasuke has ever done or will ever do, you might wonder why we've never found out what happened when Sasuke arrived at the Sound three years ago. Well here is what happened...
Three years ago Orochimaru and Kabuto were spending their evil freetime the same way as all the great anime villains, by watching soap-operas. Their peaceful evening was suddenly interrupted by a hard knock on the door. Kabuto immediately reacted the same way as any villain when someone knocks on the door of the evil's nest...
Kabuto: The pizza is here!
Orochimaru: Finally! We've been waiting for it for over three hours. Damn, it's hard to order food to evil secret hideouts.
Kabuto: *opens the door to the face of a really wet, miserable-looking Sasuke*
Sasuke: I'm here fo-
Kabuto: *slams the door shut*
Orochimaru: Who was that?
Kabuto: Just a little girl scout selling cookies. Nothing important.
Orochimaru: Ewwww! Little girls!
Sasuke: *kicks the door open* No one slams the door in Uchiha Sasuke's face!
Kabuto: Oh it's Sasuke-kun! *thinking* Just great, his Royal Emoness decided to show up.
Orochimaru: YAY! My new body arrived! To Sasuke-kun's body!
Sasuke: *smacks Orochimaru* Access denied! I'm not here for any freaky stuff, I'm here for power! Now give it to me!
Orochimaru: I knew you would come to me sooner or later, you just couldn't resist the dark side and-
Sasuke: POWER, kthnxbye!
Kabuto: You came here all alone... Sasuke-kun, isn't something missing?
Sasuke: Indeed! Where the hell is my backpack? I had one when I left Konoha but it just enigmatically disappeared somewhere between episodes #109 and #123. That just sucked. All my spare clothes were there! My iPod was there! Someone owes me a new backpack.
Kabuto: I was talking about the Sound Five...
Sasuke: What's that?
Orochimaru: Those five ninjas we sent to find you...?
[Two days earlier]
Sakon: Sasuke-sama, we're been waiting for you...
Sasuke: What's with the change of attitude? First you tried to kill me and now you're sucking up to me? You guys are as inconsistent as I am.
Kidomaru: The moment you left the the village, you became our boss. That was always the plan. Please forgive our earlier rudeness. No bad feelings, right?
Sasuke: Whatever. I don't give a shit. *thinking* Pfffft. Like I would forgive that. You guys are so dead.
Sakon: Next we're going to feed you this pill that kills you once and then we will shove you in this barrel *takes out an emo barrel that has stickers "Contains Sasuke! Handle With Care!", "This side up", "WARNING! Not for children 3 years or under due to small parts" and "Maximum Taste, No Sugar" stuck on it*
Sasuke: I must die...Once? Okay, so once I'm dead, what next?
Sakon: That's an interesting question. There are many theories about what will happen to you after death. The Eastern religions that hold a pantheistic worldview teach that one goes through an endless cycle of reincarnation until the cycle is broken and the person becomes one with the divine. However, most denominations of Christian theology teach that when a person's body dies, the soul is separated from the body and continues to exist forever...
Sasuke: ...Actually I didn't want any profound crap, I wanted to hear what happens after I have eaten this fucking pill...
Sakon: Oh, you will die.
Sasuke: Yes, you did make that clear. This might sound weird but I don't wanna die.
Sakon: Don't worry, you don't. We're going to use this barrel technique that will bring you back safe and sound.
Sasuke: This barrel thing of yours....um, is it really trustworthy?
Kidomaru: No need to be afraid Sasuke-sama. We're done this a hundred times, so we're bound to get it right sooner or later. *gives a thumb up*
Sasuke: ...I'm so screwed.
Sasuke: Oh right! Those guys... They ran into me but luckily I was able to ditch them.
Orochimaru: WHAT? What happened to my precious little Sound ninjas?
Sasuke: Not much. They were killed by a bunch of 12-year-olds. Shit happens.
Because of lack of time... All the so-interesting matches between Konoha ninjas and Sound ninjas in a nutshell:
[Jirobo vs. Chouji - "Magical Shoujo Transformation no Jutsu!"]
Chouji: I can't lose since I ate magical pellets! Chouji Moon Cristal Powah Transform GO! *gets a pair of glittering butterfly wings*
Jirobo: ...Now it's official; it's not just tea Kishimoto is drinking when he draws.
[Kidomaru vs. Neji - "Spiderman vs. Mary-Jane"]
Kidomaru: Blah blah blah You can't win blah blah Orochimaru pwns blah blah Sasuke is already in darkness blah blah DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BATM-I mean-SPIDERMAN! blah blah weirdass-spider-attack blah blah...
Neji: Blah blah blah FATE blah blah Naruto > Darkness blah blah My blind spot blah blah FATE blah blah Byakugan (or Macarena no Jutsu, whatever) blah blah FATE FATE FATE blah blah Oh look, birds!
[Sakon vs. Kiba - "A fight too boring to remember"]
Sakon: I was able to make a scratch.... Actually I tore open half of his stomach...*looks around* Now where did that boy go?
Ukon: Maybe he fled down the river so we would lose his scent?
Sakon: I'm sure he's not THAT stupid that he would go to swim in a river with an open wound...
...Meanwhile in the river...
Kiba: Do not underestimate the masochistic stupidity of Konoha genins!
[TayuyaShika vs TemaShika - "Some guys are just bound to be tied to a woman's apron strings"]
Tayuya: I'm gonna motherf%£@ing kill you, you motherf%£@ing motherf%£@er!
Shikamaru: Come on! Why do I always have to fight with girls? Does this girl even have any weapons?
Tayuya: I have this motherf%£@ing flute, for motherf%£@ing's sake!
Shikamaru: Oh great. First girl with bells, then a girl with a huge fan and now a girl with a flute...This is just troublesome! Maybe if I play dead...
Temari: *swings from the vine* AAAIIAEEAAAAAAAAAAA~! *picks Shikamaru up in her arms* Me Temari, you Nara Shikamaru from Team Ten.
Shikamaru: ...Was I just saved from a girl by another girl? Oh shit, it's that scary amazon from the Sand villge. Maybe if I play dead...
Temari: *points at Tayuya* Yo sister, why don't ya pick on someone your own sex? This bitch is mine!
Tayuya: Ex-motherf%£@ing-cuse me! Who do you motherf%£@ing think you are?
Temari: Does Temari have to kick your curse-sealed ass, hun? 'Cause I ain't got any problem with doing that.
Shikamaru: This is so troublesome.
Temari: Shut it or you're next.
Shikamaru: ...Yes ma'am.
[Kimimaro vs. Lee - "The honourable day when Lee mixed medicine with alcohol"]
Kimimaro: *stamps his foot in anger* No! No! No! I'm one of the angstiest characters in Naruto! I have one of the the most traumatic childhood's! I refuse to have my biggest fight with a drunked teenager who wears spandex! Isn't it horrible enough that my dear Lord Orochimaru wants to replace me with a younger model?
Lee: I'm not drunk *hiccup* I'm drunktashtic! Youth! *passes out*
Kimimaro: *points at Lee with his bone sword* Prepare to die!
Lee: *blinks* That'sh the biggesht boner I have ever sheen! *hiccup*
Kimimaro: ...You gotta be kidding me!
Gaara: *arrives* Leave that Konoha ninja alone!
Lee: I don't wanna be alone! *hiccup* Hi Gaara! Did you bring your boner too? Party!
Gaara: What the hell?! Have you been drinking?!
Lee: *takes another sip from a sake bottle* I'm killing the alcohol before it killsh me! Yoooooouth! *passes out*
Kimimaro: I wanted to die honorable!
Gaara: Not gonna happen, Calcium Kid.
Lee: *blinks* Dat'sh right! *clings himself around Gaara's neck* Come here often, cutie?
Gaara: ...
[Sasuke vs. Naruto - "How the hell were they able to talk to each other with a roaring cascade between them?"]
Naruto: SASUKEEEEEEEEEEE!
Sasuke: *turns around* Yo screw-up!
Naruto: Come back Sasuke!
Sasuke: What?
Naruto: COME BACK SASUKE!
Sasuke: I CAN'T HEAR YOU! THERE IS A CASCADE BETWEEN US!
Naruto: WHAT?!
Sasuke: I SAID THAT I CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE THERE IS A CASCA-
Naruto: I CAN'T HEAR YOU! THERE IS A CASCADE BETWEEN US!
Sasuke: THAT'S WHAT I SAID!
Naruto: WHAAAAT?! JUST COME BACK HOME, OK?!!
Sasuke: I'M GOING TO OROCHIMARU!
Naruto: WHERE?!?!
Sasuke: TO OROCHIMARU!
Naruto: COME! HOME! SASUKE!
Sasuke: QUIT THAT "COME HOME BOY"-CRAP ALREADY! WHAT AM I? LASSIE?
Naruto: HUH?!? WHO HAS FALLEN DOWN THE OLD WELL?!?
Sasuke: *facepalm*
Kabuto: ...
Orochimaru: ...
Sasuke: So yeah. I wish I could express some sympathy but I really don't give a crap. I survived and that's all that really matters. Since I’m gonna live here from now on…Where is my room?
Kabuto: Okay, how the hell were you able to flashback things you weren't even involved in?
Sasuke: The gift of my heretity. The Sharingan gives your eyes four different kinds of power: 1) The power of illusion techniques, 2) The power to plagiarize other people's techniques, 3) The power to flashback to things which don't include you and 4) The irresistable bedroom eyes. *flicks hair* What can I say? I'm not made of awesome, the awesome is made of me.
Kabuto: ...
Orochimaru: So what did Naruto-kun say when yo-
Sasuke: *smacks Orochimaru in the face with Chidori*
Kabuto: *whispers to Orochimaru* Orochimaru-sama, I think that Sasuke-kun is trying to hint that he doesn't want to talk about it.
Orochimaru: *rubs his burned cheek* You think?
Kabuto: *whispers* I think it would be the best if we didn't mention anything that reminds him of Naruto-kun.
Orochimaru: *whispers back* Got it. Not a word about Naruto-kun *to Sasuke* Hey Sasuke-kun, we were going to get some lunch. You want some ramen?
Kabuto: ...*facepalm*
Sasuke: *twitchtwitch* *shoots a murderous glance at Orochimaru (And if looks could kill, the mortal remains of Orochimaru would have been carried out in several pieces)*
And after that unnecessarily long proloque…The title:
The Crack Shippuuden #06⅛: The Boy Who Angsted
Three years later we meet 15-year-old Sasuke who had become stronger, smarter and had even less personality than before. Exciting, isn’t it?
Orochimaru: I’m so proud of you Sasuke-kun! In just these three years you have exceeded all my expectations of becoming a total asshole, which sure is a lot since we all did have high hopes for you.
Sasuke: …
Orochimaru: Today I will teach you to summon. It's one of the most complicated techniques to master. You must perform the proper handseals and offer a few additional drops of blood with the same hand you signed the contract with to perform the summon. The amount of chakra offered at this time is directly proportionate to the size of the summoned creature-
Sasuke: Yeah yeah, just show me the handseals.
Orochimaru: Hey! I'm the ninja master here and when I talk, you listen and-GIVING ME THE FINGER ISN'T A PROPER HANDSEAL!
Sasuke: I'm a ninja genius, I don't need to hear this crap. It took me five minutes to master all the techniques you've shown me. Sheeeesh, and I thought being your student would be a challenge.
Orochimaru: Fine! Try summoning without my guidance. You're just going to end up failing big time! Then I'm going to rub it in your-
Sasuke: *snaps fingers* Here basilisk!
[Orochimaru's giant snake pet, Manda, appears]
Orochimaru: ...
Sasuke: Okay, then what?
Orochimaru: ...
Sasuke: Can't you teach me anything that has even a hint of a challenge?
Orochimaru: Don't get cocky yet. You managed to summon but it doesn't mean that summon would accept you as its master. Manda is a very prideful creature and hates to be summoned. He takes orders from no one. Even I haven't gained his respect yet so I don't think you can-
Sasuke: Nagini! *throws a stick* Fetch boy!
Manda: *wriggles after the stick*
Sasuke: Good boy!
Orochimaru: ...You're trying to piss me off on purpose, aren't you?
Sasuke: I just can't help that I'm this damn awesome. *pats Manda* Good Nagini!
Orochimaru: His name is Manda! Stop making Voldemort references!
Sasuke: But you do look like him.
Orochimaru: No I don't! I hate when people keep mixing me up with him. I bet that never happens to him!
Once again Orochimaru was wrong, since meanwhile somewhere in England...
[Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - the missing scene]
Voldemort: It's time to end this, Potter! The darkness shall rise once more! Avada Ke-
Harry: Expecto Pat-
Naruto: *shoves Harry out of his way and jumps to grab Voldemort by the collar* GIVE SASUKE BACK YOU SNAKE PEDOPHILE!!
Voldemort/Harry: What the-
Ron: Bloody hell!
Hermione: Merlin's Beard! A character who isn't a white, middle-class Brit? In Harry Potter?!
Naruto: *shakes Voldemort* Where is Sasuke?! Don't make me go Rasengan on your snake-ass!
Harry: Bu-But that was supposed to be my mighty wizard battle!
Naruto: *shoots a glare at Harry* Don't butt in, four-eyes, this is personal!
Harry: Personal?! My parents are dead!
Naruto: Whose parents aren't?
Sakura: *comes running* Naruto! Naruto! What are you doing?! That's not Orochimaru!
Naruto: *blinks* What do you mean? He's white, evil-looking, he has a huge snake and a lousy servant *points at Wormtail* Hi Kabuto!
Wormtail: ...
Sakura: But Orochimaru wasn't bald...
Naruto: ...Maybe he changed his hairstyle?
Sakura: I don't think we're in the Sound...
Naruto: If this isn't Sound, where are we?
Sakura: Ask Sai, he was the one reading the map.
Everyone turns to look at Sai who is currently trying to improve his social skills...by talking about his favorite subject. fail.
Sai: *points at Harry* You lack penis *points at Ron* You lack penis *points at Neville* You lack penis *points at Fred...or George* You lack penis *points at Ginny*...According to the last three books you've had a lot of penis, you slu-
Sasuke: SAI! I thought you were supposed to read the map!
Sai: I think this would be a great time to tell a couple of things... First of all, I don't know how to read a map.
Naruto/Sakura: WHAT?!
Sakura: Sai! Why didn't you tell us sooner?!
Sai: No one asked.
Naruto: But I asked you thousands of times if you're sure you knew where we're going!
Sai: That's the other thing. I don't ever pay attention to anything you two say to me. I usually just read yaoi doujinshi and agree with whatever you're saying just to end the discussion.
Naruto: You do WHAT?!
Sai: *is reading SasuNaru doujinshi* Yes, that sounds great. I totally agree.
Everyone: ...
Then Naruto and co. left and Hermione used a spell to modify everyone's memory so this part was cut out of the 7th book, which is kinda a shame...
----
Sasuke: I have a feeling that Naruto is doing something stupid.
Orochimaru: You know maybe we should go to see Voldemort one of these days. Didn't we have so much fun when he invited us to have tea with him?
Sasuke: Hell no! I was so bored.
Orochimaru: I thought we were having a great time. At least until you started to fight with Malfoy junior.
Sasuke: We just had a little conflict of opinion. He claimed to be more emo than I am. He stated his side of the argument and I-
Orochimaru: You snapped his magic wand in half and punched him in the jaw! I don't think I have even been that embarrassed in my whole life...
Sasuke: That should teach him to try to out-emo me.
Orochimaru: I'm lucky that Voldemort even talks to me after you behaved so badly.
Sasuke: Who cares. I hate him anyway. I'm so tired of his griping about his useless servants and his attempts to recruit me to the Death Eaters. And if someone tries to shove one more slice of that fucking treacle tart he had baked down my throat, I'm gonna puke...
Orochimaru: Don't say that. Lord Voldemort is a really open and pleasant Ruler of the Darkness. But he did keep warning me about black-haired emo boys... I wonder why...
Sasuke: That guy thinks way too highly of himself. Someday he will be sorry that he is so cheeky to black-haired emo boys...
Kabuto: I know that you don't get along with him but he did send us that nice mirror for Christmas. I think that was really generous of him.
Sasuke: I hate that mirror. Every time I try to look at it to fix my hair, it just keeps flashing me these highly disturbing images of me doing some REALLY inappropriate things to Naruto on Itachi's grave. I think the damn thing is cursed. *mumbles* Stupid Mirror of Erised...
Orochimaru: ...
Kabuto: ....
Sasuke: ...What?
Orochimaru: Change the subject, Kabuto! For god’s sake, change the subject.
Kabuto: BOARD GAMES!
Sasuke: I beg your fucking pardon?
Kabuto: Eh…you know…Since your training is over today we could play board games.
Orochimaru: Yeah, didn’t we have so much fun last time we played Monopoly?
Sasuke: …No.
Sasuke: I'll pass. I'm gonna watch TV.
Orochimaru: But Sasuke-kun! The TV nowdays isn't anything but violence, sex and humiliating people!
Sasuke: Great, isn't it?
Kabuto: We don't have a TV.
Sasuke: Oh yeah...
Kabuto: And why don't we have a TV?
Sasuke: Since...I might have broken it.
Kabuto: You threw it at the wall!
Sasuke: Orochimaru was the one who forced me to watch Naruto Shippu! Konoha Gakuen Den!
Orochimaru: I liked it! I look so cute in the dress!
Sasuke: ...Thanks a lot! Do you have any idea how long I have tried to get THAT mental image out of my head! *sigh* And I thought the Naruto animation team quit whatever they were smoking when the fillers ended... Naruto High School OVA! Yep, hell has finally frozen over... What the hell were they thinking at Studio Pierrot when they created that crap!
Good question! At Studio Pierrot's (Their new slogan: SasuNaru - Since the other OTPs are just faking it!) office only three months earlier, the Naruto animation team was having a really SERIOUS meeting, which probably went like this:
"Welcome to Pierrot's monthly Naruto Anime meeting. This month's topic: How are we going to fleece money from Naruto fans this year?"
"With making a new movie! Ticket proceeds!"
"We really should come up with a better idea for the movie than we did in the last three years. It's true what they say, when you have seen one Naruto movie you have seen them all."
"Hey dude, it's a NARUTO movie! So even if we just showed 90 minutes of Team Gai doing Hare Hare Yukai, it still would make us 1.5 billion."
"Not to mention all the money we get from the overcharged by-products."
"What will we call the movie?"
"What's wrong with the name "SasuNaru the Movie: Just Another Attempt to Cash In"?"
"It does tell everything there is to tell about that movie..."
"Let's call it "Naruto Shippuuden 2: The Bonds" instead. It will make all the yaoi fangirls throw their money at us!"
"It sounds so beautiful..."
"Yeah, it is a really emotion-filled title."
"Actually I was talking about the beautiful sound of ka-chinking cash register. I can already hear it!"
"So we will make this movie just to clean out all the yaoi fangirls who can't resist the power of our well-organized marketing?"
"DUH! That pretty much covers it-"
"...SWEET!"
"I feel like ripping off the fangirls already but the fifth movie won't be in theaters until this summer..."
"Hey, we could make a special episode! We could put it in the DVD extras to make sure that all the fangirls will buy it..."
"That sounds profitable. But what will the episode be about?"
"How about...Naruto in High School! With some small references to the original storyline. Picture it: Naruto could be this new strange transfer student. Yeah, and he and Sasuke would be rivals. No one will like him at first, but then in a turn of events Naruto will save a bunch of girls and they all will be friends."
"...That is no doubt the most stupid, ridiculous and cliché thing I have ever heard... It's gonna be HUGE!"
"Any details about the plot?"
"Hell with the plot! Let's just put together 10 minutes of totally pointless fanservice of all the possible pairings! The fangirls will totally fall for that."
"What kind of fanservice?"
"Sakura liking Sasuke, of course."
"Naruto and Hinata could go on a date."
"Sakura could make Naruto a sweater."
"We could even hint towards the relationship between Sasuke and Itachi."
"I want a scene where Naruto ends up kissing Sasuke with his pants around his ankles."
"..."
"..."
"Kishimoto-sama, shouldn't you be drawing?"
"I have already finished this week's chapter of Sasuke the manga."
"...Isn't it called Naruto the manga?"
"I think the last 50 chapters beg to differ."
----
Orochimaru: Say whatever you want Sasuke-kun, I still think that OVA was great!
Sasuke: I hate it!
Kabuto: I thought you were just afraid that the fact that you end up kissing Naruto-kun in every possible universe may give people something to think about.
Orochimaru: Have to say it was pretty SasuNaru.
Sasuke: WHAT THE HELL IS WITH EVERYONE?! THERE ISN'T SUCH A THING AS SASUNARU!
Orochimaru: But all the hints...
Sasuke: Okay, let me make this clear to the whole fandom: NO; Fighting isn't my idea of foreplay! NO; I'm not doing *it* with Naruto. The only time I have been inside of him was when I stuck my arm through his chest. And NO; when Naruto punches me I am not cherishing the thought that he touched my cheek - I'm coughing blood! And, most of all, NO; when I say "Naruto, we'll end this battle once and for all" it doesn't get translated to "Hey baby, let's rip up each other's clothes while wresting in chocolate pudding and see where that leads us..."! Get your minds out of the gutter, people!
Orochimaru: My mind likes to be in the gutter.
Sasuke: Doesn't the fucking fact that last time Naruto and I met I was going to kill him at my whim say ANYTHING to ANYONE?!
Orochimaru: That would have been more convicing if your arm wasn't around him...
Sasuke: Hey! I was just making my point to him!
Orochimaru: Just out of curiosity: What kind of point are you trying to make when you have your arm around someone and you whisper things in his ear? Seriously! When it comes to you and Naruto-kun, you can never tell if you're threatening his life or coming on to him.
Sasuke: None of your business!
Kabuto: So, how are you going to "make your point" to him next time you two meet? By thrusting your tongue in his throat and your hand in his pants?
Sasuke: *shoves Kabuto’s head through the wall*
Orochimaru: No bloodshed in the kitchen, Sasuke-kun. We just got new wallpaper.
Orochimaru: …Sooo…What are we going to do now, when we have no TV?
Sasuke: I could tell about my childhood.
Orochimaru/Kabuto: NO!
Orochimaru: We have heard that same story like a zillion times!
Sasuke: But if I keep flashbacking to my tragic childhood, the fans feel bad for me and I can kill their favourite characters without them minding…
Orochimaru: Sasuke-kun, you haven’t exactly killed anyone…
Sasuke: My bad. I must be foreseeing things… So how about some flashbacks?
Orochimaru: No.
Kabuto: No!
The Fandom: NO!
The whole world: NO!!!!!!!!!!
Sasuke: Oh, yeah? Well, bite me!
So for those who have missed it, it’s time to present (once again):
[The Long-ass Flashback of Sasuke's Angsty Childhood] (…yay!)
Itachi: Sasuke! We're going home.
Sasuke: But you said you would teach me to beat up nerds. Pretty pleeeeeeease? I can't start school if I don't know how to torture people.
Itachi: Not today Sasuke. I have an important mission tomorrow.
Sasuke: *quivers lip* But you promised!
Itachi: Sorry Sasuke, maybe another time...
Sasuke: *pout* You're a liar.
Itachi: *pokes Sasuke's forehead* Quit with the uke face, you're an Uchiha.
Sasuke: Stop poking my face, big brother. Some day you will pluck out my eye...
----
Orochimaru: Who is that little boy? He's so cute.
Sasuke: That's me.
Orochimaru: What the hell?!? But that thing is....Smiling?! That can't be you.
Sasuke: There used to be a time when I wasn't an emo and constantly ranting about my revenge.
Orochimaru: ...You are just fucking with me, aren't you?
----
Itachi: *is carrying Sasuke on his back* You're smiling even though you twisted your ankle by being ridiculously clumsy? Are you just catching a ride?
Sasuke: I'm so excited that I will start school too. Finally father will respect me as much as he respects you. When I grow up I'm gonna be as emo as you are, big brother!
Itachi: Sure you will.
Fugaku Uchiha: *comes out from the shadows* Who's your daddy?
Itachi/Sasuke: Good morning, Father.
Fugaku: Itachi, it's really nice of you to spend time with your little sister but you should be focusing on your missions.
Sasuke: I'm a boy!
Fugaku: Not now, Sasuke... Itachi, it's been only six months since your promotion to chuunin and you've already come so far. That's my boy! Daddy Uchiha approves. If tomorrow's mission is successful your entrance into the ANBU will be assured.
Sasuke: Father, tomorrow is my-
Fugaku: Shut it, young lady!
Itachi: Give me a break, father. I graduated from academy in a year. You don’t have to look after me anymore. For me, entering the ANBU will be a piece of cake.
Fugaku: That’s what I expect from my favorite son. Daddy Uchiha approves. *walks away*
Sasuke: *sigh* I wish father would respect me as much as he respects you.
Itachi: You know father respects you too.
Sasuke: Oh yeah?
[Uchiha Sasuke, 4 years old]
Sasuke: Father! Father! I just drew a picture. Wanna see? This is mom, this is you, this is big brother, this is me...
Fugaku: Not now Sasuke. *glances Sasuke* When Itachi was your age, he had drawn thousands of pictures. In fact, they even removed that painting of the woman with the weird smile in the Louvre to make room for Itachi's drawing. *sigh* Why can't you be more like him?
Sasuke: *facefall*
[Uchiha Sasuke, 5 years old]
Sasuke: Father! Father! I just learned how to throw a shuriken! Wanna see?
Fugaku: Not now Sasuke.*glances Sasuke* When Itachi was your age, he was an expert at using a shuriken. He had also mastered Sharingan and all the fire techniques. *sigh* Why can't you be more like him?
Sasuke: *facefall*
[Uchiha Sasuke, 6 years old]
Sasuke: Father! Father! I just got an A+ on my first test. Wanna see?
Fugaku: Not now Sasuke. *glances Sasuke* When Itachi was your age, he had already won a Nobel Prize for his examination of illusion techniques. *sigh* Why can't you be more like him?
Sasuke: *facefall*
[Uchiha Sasuke, 7 years old]
Sasuke: Father! Father! I just-*pause* You know, NEVER MIND! Whatever I have done I'm sure Itachi has done it earlier, faster and better! Why am I not more like him, since nothing I do will ever be able to compare to him! All hail Itachi!
Fugaku: You're starting to learn, Sasuke. I thought you would bother me every single year with your lame achievements.
Itachi: ...Okay, I see your point.
-----
Sasuke: *has his face buried in his hands* Dad never noticed me!
Kabuto: That’s really interesting. *yawn*
Orochimaru: That was a nice story. Now can we go?
Sasuke: I’m just getting started here! Two weeks after I had started school…
Kabuto: … *is trying to kill himself with a spoon*
Orochimaru: …*is trying to hang himself with his own tongue*
-----
The Uchiha Family is having a dinner.
Fugaku: *is reading the book A Coup D'etat for the Beginners*
Itachi: *is reading the book A Massacre for the Learners*
Sasuke: *is reading the book Angst for the Rookies*
Mikoto: Boys, put those books away while we’re having a family dinner! Itachi-dear, how about if you asked cousin Shisui to come to eat dinner with us tomorrow. We haven’t seen him in a while…
Itachi: You know mom, I think he can’t make it.
Mikoto: Oh, you think so?
Itachi: Positive. He’s probably way too busy with all his stuff. Like ANBU missions, paper work, getting murdered…*some manical laugh* ….Can you pass the salt, please?
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #1 (Did they, like, ever have names?): Itachi Uchiha, drag your sexy ass out here right now!
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #2: We know what you did last night!
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #3: And it’s even worse than what it sounds!
Fugaku: Weird. That sounds like our relatives…
Mikoto: Oh they have come for a visit. How lovely! I’ll go get more plates!
Itachi: Oh what brings you all here?
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #1: It’s your cousin Shisui… He commited suicide.
Itachi: O what a tragedy! This came out of nowhere!
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #2: He left this note…
Hi friends and family! :D
I'm tired of life! I have no future as an Uchiha! My life sucks: I have a huge amount of stress, I think I'm fat, my girlfriend left me, my cat set on fire and died and Shisui is a girl's name! :( This morning there was a carton of old milk in the fridge so I couldn't eat cereal for breakfast. That was the last drop! >_> Goodbye cruel world! I'm gonna kill myself! Kill, I say! It's not like I was murdered or anything...
GG!
Suicidally yours,
Uchiha Shisui
PS. I leave my Xbox 360 to my very best friend Itachi.
Itachi: Well, I think we should respect his last wish. Come Sasuke, let’s go get my new Xbox!
Sasuke: YAY!
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #3: Shisui died last night… It sure seems like it was a suicide, but…
Itachi: I'm crying inside. Booo-fucking-hooo! Now if you excuse me I have some evidence to destroy...
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #1: We don’t think it was a suicide.
Itachi: O the plot twist!
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #1: We don’t believe it’s possible to commit a suicide by stabbing yourself in the back, and then three hours after your death to bury yourself in the flowerbed.
Itachi: Well you know cousin Shisui, he was always pretty thorough…
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #1: We think YOU did it!
Itachi: Is it because I have no alibi?
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #2: No.
Itachi: Is it because this letter is dated one day AFTER he died?
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #3: No.
Itachi: Is it because this is my handwriting?
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #1: No.
Itachi: Is it because my footprints were found at the crime scene?
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #2: No.
Itachi: Is it because my fingerprints were found at the crime scene?
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #3: No.
Itachi: Is it because I was found at the crime scene?
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #1: Nope.
Itachi: Then why? Why do you think it was me?
The fugly member of the Uchiha clan #1: We just never liked you.
Itachi: ...Sasuke, someday you're going to ask me why. Well, this is why!
[The next day]
Fugaku: My own son! My own son is seen as a murderer! That accusation is an insult to my whole family! No Uchiha has ever, EVER killed someone and left a body to be found. What if they arrest him? I can’t let them take my only son from me!
Sasuke: HEY!
Fugaku: My little Itachi in jail? You know what happens to pretty boys in jail?!
Mikoto: *is doing dishes* Yes. Uchihas happen to pretty boys in jail, dear.
Fugaku: …Oh yeah! But still! He’s my only child!
Sasuke: AM I INVISIBLE OR SOMETHING?!
Fugaku: What am I going to do?! Itachi was my favorite son! I need a son!
Mikoto: You could finally spend some time with Sasuke, he's your son too.
Fugaku: OR... We could just make a new one! Mikoto, meet me in the bedroom in five minutes.
Mikoto: ...*murderous aura* SPEND. TIME. WITH. SASUKE.
Fukgaku: ...Yes, dear. Sasuke, want to learn a technique?
Sasuke: *eyes sparkle* Oh boy do I?
[At the dock]
Fugaku: FLAMETHROWER NO JUTSU! *bursts out a huge flame*
Sasuke: Amazing! Breathing fire... How is that possible?
Fugaku: We're Uchihas. We're so hot that we can breathe fire. This fire technique was created by one of our ancestors. Ironically, he was arrested by the police force he had founded and was sent to the prison he had built because of his pyromaniac tendency... Now you try.
Sasuke: Yes! *handseals* Fire style! Fireball technigue! *coughs out a small wisp of smoke*
[awkward silence]
Fugaku: Like I thought, it's WAY too early for you. Itachi was able to do this at the age of six, but you...
Sasuke: I'm sorry...I...
Fugaku: *sigh* Sasuke, you're like a son to me so...
Sasuke: Um...I am your son.
Fugaku: Shut up when your father is talking to you. I'm gonna tell you something that I heard from my father and he heard from my grandfather... Something that your son will someday hear from you....
Sasuke: Yes?
Fugaku: "QUIT BEING A WUSS AND TRY HARDER!"
Sasuke: ...
Fugaku: That's all for today. *pats Sasuke on the head* Why don't you ask your mother to teach you something girly, that you could actually be able to master? Like embroidery or making cross-stitch patterns?
Sasuke: *facefall*
Fugaku: Now that the smile has left your little face, I'm off! I have your brother's self-esteem to destroy. *walks away*
[Scene of Sasuke practicing his ass off to master the fire breathing technique]
The second step to be accepted as a full-fledged member of the Uchiha clan is to be able to use fire style jutsus.
...The first step is to face the fact that you're a total self-important asshole.
[Week later]
Sasuke: *has burns on his cheeks from practicing so much* Father! Father! I just mastered the fire jutsu! Wanna see?
Fugaku: Not now Sasuke. It's only been a week. You'll just end up sucking. A lot. Why don't you be m-
Sasuke: AND [BLEEP] I WILL! I SAID I'M GONNA SHOW THIS [BLEEP]]ING JUTSU AND I WON'T TAKE 'NO' FOR AN ANSWER THIS TIME! DO WHAT I [BLEEP]ING SAY!
Fugaku: Now that's something that a true Uchiha would say!
Soon at the dock...
Sasuke: *blows out a gigantic fireball making the lake boil (and accidentally burning one old fisherman alive but that's another story...)*
Fugaku: ...*almost has an expression on his face*
Sasuke: *turns to his father waiting to hear what he will say*
Fugaku: *starts to walk away*
Sasuke: *facefall*
For thirty seconds the whole fandom is cursing Sasuke's father to the deepest depths of hell for being a jerk... But then!
Fuaku: That's my boy. Daddy Uchiha approves.
Sasuke: *eyes sparkle and smiles brightly* (Yes, that sounds impossible but it DID happen)
Fugaku: From now on, live up to the crest on your back, better yourself and soar to great heights.
Sasuke: I will!
Fugaku: One more thing. Don't follow your brother's footsteps anymore. *pause* He has taken the wrong route. *pause* And he also runs into walls.
[Next day]
Sasuke: Yesterday I was happy that father acknowledged me, but.... Since he's not on good terms with big brother... I wonder if father just thinks of me as a substitute for Itachi...
Mikoto: But Sasuke-dear, what makes you say that?
Sasuke: He wants to rename me Itachi v2.0
Fugaku: *appears in the kitchen* What is it Sasuke, my NEW favorite son?
Itachi: *follows him* Eat my shorts, dad.
Fugaku: Why you little-- *strangles Itachi*
Mikoto: *ignores the fact that his husband is strangling their oldest son in the kitchen* Sasuke-dear...Itachi is who he is, you are who you are. Father cares about both of you.
Fugaku: *still strangling Itachi* You're so out of my will!
Itachi: *cough* See if I care!
Sasuke: *ignores Itachi and his father fighting* Then why is everything always about Itachi?
Mikoto: Itachi is older than you, that's all-
Fugaku: Older, smarter, prettier, more talented...
Mikoto: Since he is older, he is entrusted with performing clan duties...
Itachi: Fuck the clan duties! Fuck the clan! Fuck you dad! YOU SUCK!
Fugaku: OH YEAH? WELL, YOUR MOM!
Mikoto: *smacks Fugaku with a skillet*
Fugaku: *krhm* I meant YOUR beautiful and youthful MOM! Mikoto, that son of yours is going to be the death of us someday!
Mikoto: *whispers to Sasuke* But just between you and me... When your father and I talk, he talks about you all the time... *smile*
Sasuke: *smile*
Now that Sasuke's life seems a little bit happier...TO THE KILLING THE CLAN SCENE!
(After the Uchiha Massacre: The Uchiha clan: 0 Itachi: 1 Sasuke: -4 Madara: 100)
Sasuke: Why did you do it, big brother?! WHY?!?
Itachi: To measure my capacity. And because I hate family reunions.
Sasuke: But why did you have to you kill everyone?! You could have at least left mother. I liked mother.
Itachi: Because I can, foolish little brother.
Sasuke: Mother! Father! *cries on the ground* My parents are dead!
Itachi: Big deal. My parents are dead too but you don't see me bawling over it.
Sasuke: You're the one who killed them!
Itachi: Don't focus on details, Sasuke. *pokes his forehead* After all, this is for your own good... You'll become the one through whom I can confirm my ability. You have that potential. You've felt anger and hated me. I let you live...For my sake. Now you just have to-
Sasuke: Why would I do anything you say? You murdered everyone!
Itachi: In my defense, I can say that I didn't kill grandma. *pause* But she did die of a heart attack when she saw me killing grandpa.
Sasuke: So she's dead too?!
Itachi: Well yeah but TECHNICALLY I didn't kill her.
Sasuke: You heartless monster!
Itachi: ...You really are making an issue of this, arent you? Sasuke, just like me you have the power to awaken the Mangekyo Sharingan. But there is a catch.
Sasuke: A catch?
Itachi: You have to...have sex with your best friend.
Sasuke: I have to do WHAT?!
Itachi: Just messing with you! I had to make sure you're listening since this is really important. To get super-Sharingan, you have to kill your closest friend.
Sasuke: I don't even have any friends.
Itachi: And let's face it, you probably never will. It's because of your bad nature and short temper. But I do believe that someday you will find a person who will know that you're a total asshole but will still love you. The person who will cherish the bond with you. The person who sees something good in a coward like you. When you find that one person who can make you happy...remember to kill him.
Sasuke: Then you're the one who killed Shisui?
Itachi: Your power of deduction amazes me. Yes, I killed him and now I have the cool eyes. Right now you're not even worth killing. If you want to kill me, settle for hating me...
Sasuke: I HATE YOU!
Itachi: *ruffles Sasuke's hair* That's the spirit. Hate me and live like the coward you are. Clinging to life without honor. And someday when you have the same eyes as I... You will find me again.
Sasuke: But but... How can I survive from now on? I'm only seven years old, I can't take care of myself!
Itachi: ...Hmmm, I hadn't thought of that. *pokes Sasuke's forehead* But it's your headache now. See ya! *disappears*
Sasuke: *le sob*
---
Sasuke: ...And then he was gone. The man I looked up to was the man who made me live through the hell of hatred. Because of him I was condemned to live alone...
Orochimaru/Kabuto: *snore*
Sasuke: ...NO ONE SLEEPS WHEN UCHIHA SASUKE IS HAVING A FLASHBACK!
Orochimaru: *wakes up with a start* Sure I was paying attention... It was something about your angst, right?
Sasuke: *wangstwangst* No one can possibly understand how it feels to lose everything! One day you're happy and the next thing you know is that your brother is psychotic asswipe. *sigh* My parents were dead. My grandparents were dead. My aunts and uncles were dead. My cousins were dead. My hamster was dead-
Kabuto: ...Your hamster?
Sasuke: Itachi fed it to my cat. Then my cat got run over by a car.
Kabuto: There aren't any cars in Konoha.
Sasuke: Itachi had to rent one from the Sand just so he could run over my cat. Then because I had to attempt all of those funerals, I forgot to water our house plants so those died too. *buries his face in his hands* It was a very depressing time for me.
Orochimaru: Poor angsty baby! *whispers to Kabuto* Is it just me or does this story just get worse every time?
----
Orochimaru: You know, after I have taken over Sasuke-kun's body I'm gonna need a new body container.
Sasuke: What are you going to do then? Go to the forest to bite young boys again?
Orochimaru: That is so old-fashioned, Sasuke-kun. Way too obvious, too. We will try something more cunning this time.
Sasuke: What?
Orochimaru: Putting a job advertisement in the newspaper.
Sasuke: What the hell?!
Kabuto: You're so devilish, Orochimaru-sama.
Sasuke: You think some newspaper would print a job advertisement where you're looking for a new body?!
Kabuto: *holds up the morning paper* They already did in Konoha News.
Sasuke: Give me that! *takes the morning news from Kabuto and reads* "Are you angsty and lonely? Do you have natural talent as well as malice and a lust for power within you? Have you sworn revenge but lack strength? Has your village not given you the teaching you need to reach your goal? Do you think you have the potential to become a great man's underling? Have you always wanted to face your end in an extremely disturbing way? Are you an 11-15-year-old boy? NOW you have a perfect opportunity to reach your goal! One three-year apprenticeship contract is open for applications! "Tired of life"-attitude and secret techniques that only occur in members of your clan are beneficial. Don't bother your head with things like morals or instinct of self preservation - just send your application today! All you have to do is send an informal application, your CV and a picture of yourself (nude photos give extra points!) to the address below and you're one step closer to your dream of being a weapon of total destruction!"
Orochimaru: Pretty cool, huh?
Sasuke: Who the fuck is so stupid they would answer an advertisement like this?
[Meanwhile somewhere else...]
Sai: *is reading Konoha News* What an interesting job advertisement! I think I'll send an application since I have so many good nude pictures of me. ♥
Orochimaru: *still reading the newspaper* Hey, my horoscope says that I should be careful since there is a backstabber in my close circle of friends...
Sasuke: ...
Orochimaru: Sasuke-kun...
Sasuke: Eh... Yes?
Orochimaru: We should keep an eye on Kabuto.
Kabuto: WHAT? But Orochimaru-sama, haven't I proven that I'm always your most humble servant? I have served you for almost ten years without getting paid! I thought I was your closest...
Orochimaru: Nah. I automatically lose interest in anything that is over 15-years-old. You're way too old for my taste. What are you? Twenty-two? Get in the old people's house, grandpa.
Kabuto: Bu-But I'm over 30 years younger than you are.
Orochimaru: Bitch, you didn't just go there... I’m hardly over twenty.
Sasuke: In what? Dog years?
Orochimaru: Sasuke-kun, age is just a state of mind.
Sasuke: Tell it to your face.
Kabuto: If you should think ill of someone, it's that thankless emo! *points at Sasuke*
Orochimaru: Nonsense! Could someone with such a cute face be planning something evil?
Kabuto: *looks at Sasuke*
Sasuke: *has his sadistic smirk spread across his face*
Kabuto: *turns back to Orochimaru* Yes?
Orochimaru: Come on! Sasuke wouldn't betray me! He loves and respects me. Right, Sasuke-kun?
Sasuke: Fuck you.
Kabuto: See!
Orochimaru: You're just being paranoid. Sasuke is just at the obstinate age.
Sasuke: Horoscopes are nothing but crap anyway. Mostly they're just abstract stuff written by some hippie. Just see what mine says. I bet it's something like "You're going to meet a tall stranger or you have a high possibility to win in the lottery."
Kabuto: Let's see... Here it is...
LEO (June 23 - August 22)
You're under the illusion that you're a born leader - in reality you're nothing but an arrogant bossy-boots. You have many good traits like your sense of justice and determination, but they're all unfortunately overshadowed by your egocentricity and incredible stupidity. Like a lion you only roar to pretend that you're tougher than you really are.
Your love life is mostly dead as a doornail. You have some sort of twisted S/M-style of fondness towards people who constantly piss you off and who would rather kick your ass instead of trying to get a piece of it. Your ideal partner would be a Libra - someone as imprudent, unyielding and stubborn as you! Although the sex life of you two would be as frantic as a fast-forwarded 24 hour-porn-movie marathon (SRSLY! You two would be like two nymphomaniac-rabbits. In heat. In the mating season. After eating nothing but Viagra for the last two weeks.) all you really want is some understanding, regard and caring. GO BACK TO YOUR BITCH, SISSY!
Sasuke: ....*mouth hanging open* W-H-A-T?
Orochimaru: Well that sure gives you something to think about...
Kabuto: I know I agree with this.
Orochimaru: You don't happen to know anyone who would be a Libra?
Sasuke: NONONONONONONONONONONONO!
Orochimaru: Too bad...
Sasuke: Do-Does my horoscope really say that?
Kabuto: No.
Sasuke: ....What?
Kabuto: I just made it all up to tease you. Actually it just says that you're going to meet a tall stranger and have a high possibility to win in the lottery. I totally got you!
Orochimaru: Good one, Kabuto! Sasuke-kun, you’re so easy to fool. Hahahaha!
Sasuke: ....
Kabuto: Hahahahahaha! You should have seen the look on your face, Sasuke-kun!
Orochimaru: Hahahhaha! Totally PWNED!
Sasuke: .....*TWITCH*
Orochimaru: Oh dear...
Epilogue
Kabuto: *is reading the book "How to Understand Troubled Children"* Sasuke-kun seriously lacks a sense of humour.
Orochimaru: *is reading the book "How to Understand Angsty Body Containers"* He can't take any criticism.
Kabuto: *puts up glasses* As a doctor, my diagnosis would be that Sasuke-kun's lack of compassion which inclines towards violence, apathy and pseudoskeptic approach to the personal relationships are all signs of a troubled relationship with his father, infinitesimal child-mother relationship and inferiority complex caused by his older sibling. Also his apparent love-hate-relationship filled with sexual tension with his best friend is a result from the distortion of the aggressive component of his sexual instinct that mirrors his paradoxical yearning for being acknowledged. That drives him into conscious self-denial and he expresses this by working off his anger and insecurity on fellow men verbally and physically. Together that and his negative attitude towards socializing, moral nihilistic idea of the world and narcissistic self-portrait have made him to become the depressed and sadistic nervous wreck he is.
Orochimaru: I'm not following...
Kabuto: All the crap life has been throwing at him has rendered him a totally irritating bastard.
Orochimaru: Now I'm with you.
Kabuto: Living with His Royal Emoness is such a hell!
Orochimaru: His emoness...Can we do anything about it?
Kabuto: As a doctor I would say that he needs therapy. But as a person who has to live with him, I suggest that we shoot him in the head three times. If that doesn't cure emo, nothing does.
Orochimaru: Therapy is nonsense. We're both adults, I think we can handle one 15-year-old.
Kabuto: You're right as always, sir. How long do you think we have to hide from him here under the bed?
Orochimaru: Till he calms down...
Kabuto: And when is that?
Orochimaru: In a week or two.
THE END ♥
A/N: Thank you for reading~! (And sorry for the brain-rape!) ♥