(no subject)
Rating: R
Pairing:SasuNaruSasu no seme established
Warnings:Schizophrenia, self mutilation but it's really NOT emo i promise :O, fluff at the end and my crappy metaphors<3 lol, mentions of rape only not really ummm i think that's it? OH OHOH AND spoilers kind of but not extremely? just make sure you've read chapter 346 lol
One more
Just one more, and he knew he wouldn't need to do it for long enough to go see Tsunade like she wanted, talk to her, be normal enough to stay out of a hospital, and continue on with life.
Just one more little red line.
It was all part of Orochimarus little plan and he knew it. Knew he was being used, Knew he was being watched, Knew he was being manipulated. He knew it all, all those little things they don't tell anyone.
He knew the little promise he just made himself wouldn't last. Wouldn't matter in the end when he had another little vision of someone Orochimaru had raped and mutilated running through his mind, but it wasn't HIS mind. Didn't belong to him anymore. Not a damn thought, nope. And it wasn't really in his mind it was more like right in front of him, he swore he was the one doing it right there, pushing into that girl and ripping her open in an explosion of snakes, or the slow peeling back of skin on that little boy who's body he found he could use, all the while taking little licks at the innocent skin as he peeled away. Peeled like a God Damned orange.
He never bled very hard. He wasn't doing it for blood, he had no real interest in blood, except when he was with...HIM. It was more the pain. Sometimes when he was alone he could just punch a wall or smack his head and it would satisfy the snake back into the back of his mind. Those dark corners he ran from like the plague.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 no, he was having problems stopping. Too addicted to the silence it allowed him. Maybe he could just punch a tree or something right before he walked into Tsunade's office. Damn these little visits. Damn her for checking up on him. Damn her lack of trust in his ability to maintain Orochimaru's current state as a mere mental parasite. Sometimes he wanted her to find out. Wanted her to help him. But what would she REALLY do to him. Would she kill him? Did she already know? Would he leave him if Tsunade told him how unstable he was... Nah, Sasuke knew his little blonde bomb shell was already aware of his severe instability. He would watch him sometimes while he would throw his fits.
Fists slamming into whatever they can, tearing at his own hair, screaming, breaking things, breaking him. But he wouldn't be able to really remeber full details in the morning anyhow so he felt it superfluous.
After he came back. They still treated him like a hero. Idiots. He was now no more of a hero than Gaara, no more of a human .
Girls flocked around him. And he swore they wouldn't even talk. Sometimes they'd all be screaming in pain and he'd start a cold sweat and have to sprint to the dobe's house in the middle of some poor little girls confessions of her intense love for him.
Rock back and forth
Shake and Shutter and Die a little
Feel in control again
And leave.
Couldn't bare to come to terms with how much he needed him. But Sasuke knew that he knew as well.
In some sick way he had come to rely on That Voice.
It was the only thing he knew for sure was real, true, his .
He could rely on it because it was always there and he KNEW, yes he KNEW that Orochimaru wanted to hurt him, enjoyed it even. He would tell him.
No one else would tell him. But he knew they did. Knew they plotted it when he turned around. Saw their true faces sometimes. Sometimes they'd twist back into what he knew they were when he turned around. Hideous demons. Blood dripping, giant fanged, clawed, monsters who wished him dead.
20, 21, 22, 23, 24, oh god it just can't end. He has his own thoughts. Every little sharp pain, every angry line, everytime the metal caught him off gaurd with the fact that it was warmer than his own skin. No, not his skin. Orochimaru's skin.
Was he even Sasuke anymore?
He didn't know... Sometimes he could see himself reflected in windows, or mirros... and other times it was very obviously snake eyed slits, thin nostrils, white skin, long black hair, and death.
Evil.
The first time he saw it he didn't speak to anyone for weeks.
Just sat in his room in the hospital after they had pryed the pieces of glass out of him and evaluated him. The first of many.
He learned to keep those outbursts to himself in his own home, was it his home? He could never even cry because he...well he just couldn't. He'd want to but the emotion wasn't really there. No outbursts in public. But he knew they could see him anyhow. He couldn't hit things or cut in a hospital. They'd make sure to keep him in a very sterile looking little ward. Locks on doors, white sheets. He hated it. Everything was so neat and tidy and clean.
Everything he'd never be again. Everything that made him twitch and nervous because it was too calm to look at. And He would get louder. That little voice with those nasty memories and comments. It would all get unbearable and he'd be a good two weeks behind in the, what he felt was, progress he could make on his own.
A little burn here, a cut there, a smack or too to the head with whatever he could get his hands on. And the world was right and he was quiet. And Sasuke had his own mind for a few minutes. Sometimes a few hours depending on how satisfied Orochimaru was with watching his greatest failure destroy himself. That sick pleasure Sasuke felt rise in his own body everytime he hurt himself because Orochimaru enjoyed it so. Proved he really was the stronger one.
He looked no one in the eyes. They would see what he really was if they saw his eyes. Kept his head down at all times. Wouldn't even look him in the eyes when he held him after a little fit. The fits didn't really end when Naruto held him. Just made things a little..more bearable. Slightly quieter, but still not silent. Not as quiet as when he hurt though. Nope.
He had to do it more now. 40, 41, 42, 43, he was gunna be late. Oh god if he was late what would Tsunade say. He was an hour late.
Shit.
What now.
He stopped and sat for a second. As if he just survived an earthquake. The world slid into normal veiw for a second. He stood, back aching from turning in such a strange way to scratch his shoulder with the cup he'd dropped that had shattered. That sound set off a memory. A vision...
He looked down at his shoulder to see that the little redish pink lines were already going away. That was key, never draw blood and there would be no questions asked because they would go away so quickly no one could notice.
He turned around to face the mirror above the medicine cabinet he'd been leaning against, and right there, right in fucking front of him, he was thrusting into a little boy. Over and Over and Over and the boy was crying and screaming and it was the same one almost everytime he could've sworn he'd killed that boy a million times. That stupid, weak little bitch. The child Itachi left behind in a pool of his parents blood. He thrashed out screaming and smacking into the door pulling on his hair.
Orochimaru was a merciless bastard.
And all the sudden...
He saw light. An odd, golden shade of sun rays. And he wasn't falling to the ground but rather resting on a cloud. He felt something warm, and soft press to his exposed pink shoulder. It stung a bit but he found it was very pleasant. Usualy he reacted rather volitily to physical contact. Couldn't stand it. Made him feel dirty.
He realized the light was beginning to hurt his eyes, at the same time he remembered he hadn't left his room for a few days, not even for food. Had no inerest in the stuff.
He was sitting on his own bed, hands still on head, eyes still scrunched close because Orochimaru was yelling and he couldn't fucking fucntion with all that damn NOISE!
Firm, claws dug into his hands gently, and pryed them away from his head. A sharp nailed finger on his chin tipping his face up, and a familiar sensation... skin brushed acrossed his cheek, the smoothness interupted by indintations. Three exactly. Sasuke counted them. He counted everything actually. Made him feel more in control.
Something the texture of flower petals and the sent of Daisies tickled his nose, and finally he opened his eyes.
So bright. Damnit...
Was he outside? It was so bright, so blue. No, he wasn't outside. But it had probably been the same amount of time since he'd seen the sky as he'd seen this.
Perfect blue, looking straight at him. Affection as his face was rubbed with sharp nailed thumbs. Something unfamiliar and warm ran down his face as he saw that these eyes looking at him cared so much. There was no conspiracy here, this boy wanted to help him. He wouldn't hurt Sasuke, and Sasuke knew that.
"I love you, please let me help you."
A raspy familiar voice whispered as he leaned forward pressing that same warm soft thing that was against his shoulder to his own lips.
Those eyes.
It's what he had been missing this whole time.
And all the sudden as he wept into the warm sun he trusted that boy.
Trusted him with everythin he'd grown to know these past few monthes since his return.
And in a random burst of ear piercing noise.
All was quiet.
And he knew it'd stay that way.
Comments and Criticisms always welcomed as long as it's not "that iz lyke the gheyist thing i've evar red you F@gz0r"
thanks lol OOOOOOOOPS forgot to mention the title
Schizophrenia
Pairing:SasuNaruSasu no seme established
Warnings:Schizophrenia, self mutilation but it's really NOT emo i promise :O, fluff at the end and my crappy metaphors<3 lol, mentions of rape only not really ummm i think that's it? OH OHOH AND spoilers kind of but not extremely? just make sure you've read chapter 346 lol
One more
Just one more, and he knew he wouldn't need to do it for long enough to go see Tsunade like she wanted, talk to her, be normal enough to stay out of a hospital, and continue on with life.
Just one more little red line.
It was all part of Orochimarus little plan and he knew it. Knew he was being used, Knew he was being watched, Knew he was being manipulated. He knew it all, all those little things they don't tell anyone.
He knew the little promise he just made himself wouldn't last. Wouldn't matter in the end when he had another little vision of someone Orochimaru had raped and mutilated running through his mind, but it wasn't HIS mind. Didn't belong to him anymore. Not a damn thought, nope. And it wasn't really in his mind it was more like right in front of him, he swore he was the one doing it right there, pushing into that girl and ripping her open in an explosion of snakes, or the slow peeling back of skin on that little boy who's body he found he could use, all the while taking little licks at the innocent skin as he peeled away. Peeled like a God Damned orange.
He never bled very hard. He wasn't doing it for blood, he had no real interest in blood, except when he was with...HIM. It was more the pain. Sometimes when he was alone he could just punch a wall or smack his head and it would satisfy the snake back into the back of his mind. Those dark corners he ran from like the plague.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 no, he was having problems stopping. Too addicted to the silence it allowed him. Maybe he could just punch a tree or something right before he walked into Tsunade's office. Damn these little visits. Damn her for checking up on him. Damn her lack of trust in his ability to maintain Orochimaru's current state as a mere mental parasite. Sometimes he wanted her to find out. Wanted her to help him. But what would she REALLY do to him. Would she kill him? Did she already know? Would he leave him if Tsunade told him how unstable he was... Nah, Sasuke knew his little blonde bomb shell was already aware of his severe instability. He would watch him sometimes while he would throw his fits.
Fists slamming into whatever they can, tearing at his own hair, screaming, breaking things, breaking him. But he wouldn't be able to really remeber full details in the morning anyhow so he felt it superfluous.
After he came back. They still treated him like a hero. Idiots. He was now no more of a hero than Gaara, no more of a human .
Girls flocked around him. And he swore they wouldn't even talk. Sometimes they'd all be screaming in pain and he'd start a cold sweat and have to sprint to the dobe's house in the middle of some poor little girls confessions of her intense love for him.
Rock back and forth
Shake and Shutter and Die a little
Feel in control again
And leave.
Couldn't bare to come to terms with how much he needed him. But Sasuke knew that he knew as well.
In some sick way he had come to rely on That Voice.
It was the only thing he knew for sure was real, true, his .
He could rely on it because it was always there and he KNEW, yes he KNEW that Orochimaru wanted to hurt him, enjoyed it even. He would tell him.
No one else would tell him. But he knew they did. Knew they plotted it when he turned around. Saw their true faces sometimes. Sometimes they'd twist back into what he knew they were when he turned around. Hideous demons. Blood dripping, giant fanged, clawed, monsters who wished him dead.
20, 21, 22, 23, 24, oh god it just can't end. He has his own thoughts. Every little sharp pain, every angry line, everytime the metal caught him off gaurd with the fact that it was warmer than his own skin. No, not his skin. Orochimaru's skin.
Was he even Sasuke anymore?
He didn't know... Sometimes he could see himself reflected in windows, or mirros... and other times it was very obviously snake eyed slits, thin nostrils, white skin, long black hair, and death.
Evil.
The first time he saw it he didn't speak to anyone for weeks.
Just sat in his room in the hospital after they had pryed the pieces of glass out of him and evaluated him. The first of many.
He learned to keep those outbursts to himself in his own home, was it his home? He could never even cry because he...well he just couldn't. He'd want to but the emotion wasn't really there. No outbursts in public. But he knew they could see him anyhow. He couldn't hit things or cut in a hospital. They'd make sure to keep him in a very sterile looking little ward. Locks on doors, white sheets. He hated it. Everything was so neat and tidy and clean.
Everything he'd never be again. Everything that made him twitch and nervous because it was too calm to look at. And He would get louder. That little voice with those nasty memories and comments. It would all get unbearable and he'd be a good two weeks behind in the, what he felt was, progress he could make on his own.
A little burn here, a cut there, a smack or too to the head with whatever he could get his hands on. And the world was right and he was quiet. And Sasuke had his own mind for a few minutes. Sometimes a few hours depending on how satisfied Orochimaru was with watching his greatest failure destroy himself. That sick pleasure Sasuke felt rise in his own body everytime he hurt himself because Orochimaru enjoyed it so. Proved he really was the stronger one.
He looked no one in the eyes. They would see what he really was if they saw his eyes. Kept his head down at all times. Wouldn't even look him in the eyes when he held him after a little fit. The fits didn't really end when Naruto held him. Just made things a little..more bearable. Slightly quieter, but still not silent. Not as quiet as when he hurt though. Nope.
He had to do it more now. 40, 41, 42, 43, he was gunna be late. Oh god if he was late what would Tsunade say. He was an hour late.
Shit.
What now.
He stopped and sat for a second. As if he just survived an earthquake. The world slid into normal veiw for a second. He stood, back aching from turning in such a strange way to scratch his shoulder with the cup he'd dropped that had shattered. That sound set off a memory. A vision...
He looked down at his shoulder to see that the little redish pink lines were already going away. That was key, never draw blood and there would be no questions asked because they would go away so quickly no one could notice.
He turned around to face the mirror above the medicine cabinet he'd been leaning against, and right there, right in fucking front of him, he was thrusting into a little boy. Over and Over and Over and the boy was crying and screaming and it was the same one almost everytime he could've sworn he'd killed that boy a million times. That stupid, weak little bitch. The child Itachi left behind in a pool of his parents blood. He thrashed out screaming and smacking into the door pulling on his hair.
Orochimaru was a merciless bastard.
And all the sudden...
He saw light. An odd, golden shade of sun rays. And he wasn't falling to the ground but rather resting on a cloud. He felt something warm, and soft press to his exposed pink shoulder. It stung a bit but he found it was very pleasant. Usualy he reacted rather volitily to physical contact. Couldn't stand it. Made him feel dirty.
He realized the light was beginning to hurt his eyes, at the same time he remembered he hadn't left his room for a few days, not even for food. Had no inerest in the stuff.
He was sitting on his own bed, hands still on head, eyes still scrunched close because Orochimaru was yelling and he couldn't fucking fucntion with all that damn NOISE!
Firm, claws dug into his hands gently, and pryed them away from his head. A sharp nailed finger on his chin tipping his face up, and a familiar sensation... skin brushed acrossed his cheek, the smoothness interupted by indintations. Three exactly. Sasuke counted them. He counted everything actually. Made him feel more in control.
Something the texture of flower petals and the sent of Daisies tickled his nose, and finally he opened his eyes.
So bright. Damnit...
Was he outside? It was so bright, so blue. No, he wasn't outside. But it had probably been the same amount of time since he'd seen the sky as he'd seen this.
Perfect blue, looking straight at him. Affection as his face was rubbed with sharp nailed thumbs. Something unfamiliar and warm ran down his face as he saw that these eyes looking at him cared so much. There was no conspiracy here, this boy wanted to help him. He wouldn't hurt Sasuke, and Sasuke knew that.
"I love you, please let me help you."
A raspy familiar voice whispered as he leaned forward pressing that same warm soft thing that was against his shoulder to his own lips.
Those eyes.
It's what he had been missing this whole time.
And all the sudden as he wept into the warm sun he trusted that boy.
Trusted him with everythin he'd grown to know these past few monthes since his return.
And in a random burst of ear piercing noise.
All was quiet.
And he knew it'd stay that way.
Comments and Criticisms always welcomed as long as it's not "that iz lyke the gheyist thing i've evar red you F@gz0r"
thanks lol OOOOOOOOPS forgot to mention the title
Schizophrenia