(no subject)
He's dying. He's dying and there's nothing I can do about it. He lies there with an oxygen tank not able to fully fall asleep because he stops breathing and it wakes him up. He's so frail. He's so small. He's not the strong man I knew. He's not the man that would help me no matter what. He's not the amazing man that taught me everything I believe about my family and the importance of them. The man that showed me that its ok to mess up but never ok to quit.
I'm losing him. He's fading. Seeing the DNR signed by my grandma and realizing that they've made preparations is so scary to me. It's so surreal that it's actually here. It's going to happen. After all of these years. After watching him fade and watching the man I knew disappear, it's really going to happen.
I always knew it would. I did. I thought I was preparing myself, but seeing it happen tonight, seeing him fade even further than I ever thought possible, it's not something I'm ready for. I want it to go away. I want him to be himself.