Screaming for hours!!!!!!!
Hey guys, I just got back from Tampa. I am a little numb right now and my day wasn't so great. I really wish I could just be with my dad right now. I held his hand for hours and it was hard to let go. He kept saying goodbye but wouldn't let go of my hand. I cried b/c I realized that I was the only one who had to leave and can't see him whenever I wanted. I don't have to work tomorrow, I should just drive back down there. I just got to know my father and I have a great relationship with him. I called him after I got off of work and he was thinking about before I called. He needs a kidney. He is in stage N of renal(kidney) failure which is the last and worst stage. Is he going to be ok? Yeah probably but nothing is certain. We(sisters and brothers) all think there is something he is keeping from us. I am scared and I thought I was ok but I am not. I can't lose my father! I only get to see him 3-4 times a year. He is the best father I could ask for and I would never trade him. It is so nice just to be there with him. I could fall asleep with my dad and not have to worry about a thing. Even in a hospital bed my father protects me and I feel safe. Friday I stood in the same room with the man who touched me when I was younger causing a fear of men that I carried for many years. Even though he(uncle) was there I felt safe because I was near my father and he was holding my hand. I will never forget that but I will forgive him. I can't lose my father. Who will protect me then? I feel like driving now but I have no where to go.
Oh, I wanted to say thank you to Jenna because you always make me feel better. I am not sure how but sometimes just by hearing your voice. I guess it is the mommy thing. Thank you, I love you and miss you.
Bert, I know you don't read this but thank you for being there for me and just calming me down. Yesterday night I almost got into a bad accident at 12(night) on the way home from Tampa. I wouldn't have made it out of that accident ( involving two cars and a simi all going somewhere around 90mph). I tried calling Chad but no answer, I thought it was too late to call Ewa's house and way too late to call Celena. So I called Bert and he stayed on the phone with me for about an hour. He was a work but hid and had to call me back several times but he didn't care, as long as I was ok. I am not use to that, a guy caring for me I mean. He asked me why I called him out of everyone, I really don't know actually. He can't wait for me to come back home. I don't understand him. I am not use to good guys that will be there no matter what. That is something I do but is never done for me. What did I do to deserve him. Why is he or at least seems interested in ME. He wants to take me out to a nice restaurant so we can sit and talk. What is that? That doesn't happen to me. Oh, see there that is the bad thing about journaling , I write to much.
I got to see my brother I haven't seen in 11 years on Thursday, that's a plus. I have stopped crying but I am still numb.
PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY FATHER! My parents, really are all I have.
Lord, please give me the strength to deal with all I have to in the near future.
Oh, I wanted to say thank you to Jenna because you always make me feel better. I am not sure how but sometimes just by hearing your voice. I guess it is the mommy thing. Thank you, I love you and miss you.
Bert, I know you don't read this but thank you for being there for me and just calming me down. Yesterday night I almost got into a bad accident at 12(night) on the way home from Tampa. I wouldn't have made it out of that accident ( involving two cars and a simi all going somewhere around 90mph). I tried calling Chad but no answer, I thought it was too late to call Ewa's house and way too late to call Celena. So I called Bert and he stayed on the phone with me for about an hour. He was a work but hid and had to call me back several times but he didn't care, as long as I was ok. I am not use to that, a guy caring for me I mean. He asked me why I called him out of everyone, I really don't know actually. He can't wait for me to come back home. I don't understand him. I am not use to good guys that will be there no matter what. That is something I do but is never done for me. What did I do to deserve him. Why is he or at least seems interested in ME. He wants to take me out to a nice restaurant so we can sit and talk. What is that? That doesn't happen to me. Oh, see there that is the bad thing about journaling , I write to much.
I got to see my brother I haven't seen in 11 years on Thursday, that's a plus. I have stopped crying but I am still numb.
PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY FATHER! My parents, really are all I have.
Lord, please give me the strength to deal with all I have to in the near future.