i am in love with no one
I have always been this girl. This girl who thinks in fantasies, who speaks
with thoughts she dreamnt up hours ago, whose fancies always run the same way though she'll never admit it. I don't like change and I think I have said that often enough for it to stick. I don't understand what change really means for me most of the time. It scares me. And its not like being anal retentive. Moving a cup wont cause me to weep. Breaking a dish or having a dress stolen wont cause me to be upset and mourn for days. I dispense everything i know into little categories and big categories.
When it falls in the little category i leave it be. I breathe and relax if
its hard to do for a moment but then I walk away. I do not have time for the little things to bother me. But the big things, oh how I dread the changes that cause me to make a decision one way or another. I often ask, nay beg, other people to make these decisions for me. But they do not.
I plead my case as one of laziness. i am too lazy to changes this or too
lazy to go out and do that. To pick up a pen and put it to paper now a days
takes many efforts, many thoughts, and well isnt there something else I
could not be doing.
But really its fear. Its fear to change and to do and to accomplish. Wont I
be expected to be accomplished more often. What if they discover my smarts,
my silent brillance and demand more. What if the world demands more than I
have. What if I wake up and the world cries fake.
My dearest friends urge me all the time, to quit my fear. They say im
scared, that I doubt myself, that I am perhaps more equipped to deal with
the things I can do better than I believe myself to be. I know they are
right. But it is harder to quit fear than one would imagine.
I can handle my loved ones death. I can handle my world being shocked,
people leaving me, people coming back, growing up. I can handle this
patiently and quietly. Moving myself to go with the stem of traffic.
But I cant tell you on what day or what year or with who I will learn to
handle my fear once again. But I will.
with thoughts she dreamnt up hours ago, whose fancies always run the same way though she'll never admit it. I don't like change and I think I have said that often enough for it to stick. I don't understand what change really means for me most of the time. It scares me. And its not like being anal retentive. Moving a cup wont cause me to weep. Breaking a dish or having a dress stolen wont cause me to be upset and mourn for days. I dispense everything i know into little categories and big categories.
When it falls in the little category i leave it be. I breathe and relax if
its hard to do for a moment but then I walk away. I do not have time for the little things to bother me. But the big things, oh how I dread the changes that cause me to make a decision one way or another. I often ask, nay beg, other people to make these decisions for me. But they do not.
I plead my case as one of laziness. i am too lazy to changes this or too
lazy to go out and do that. To pick up a pen and put it to paper now a days
takes many efforts, many thoughts, and well isnt there something else I
could not be doing.
But really its fear. Its fear to change and to do and to accomplish. Wont I
be expected to be accomplished more often. What if they discover my smarts,
my silent brillance and demand more. What if the world demands more than I
have. What if I wake up and the world cries fake.
My dearest friends urge me all the time, to quit my fear. They say im
scared, that I doubt myself, that I am perhaps more equipped to deal with
the things I can do better than I believe myself to be. I know they are
right. But it is harder to quit fear than one would imagine.
I can handle my loved ones death. I can handle my world being shocked,
people leaving me, people coming back, growing up. I can handle this
patiently and quietly. Moving myself to go with the stem of traffic.
But I cant tell you on what day or what year or with who I will learn to
handle my fear once again. But I will.