Have you ever missed something you've never had?
Because I do, all the time. I miss things like Paris in the winter and being rich and all these things that Ive never experienced. And yet I want them so badly. I yearn for them. And for what reason? So that I can feel better about myself? These are no things to yearn for. They are worthless. I will go to Paris during the winter and I will complain of the cold, the fact that I dont understand anything. The fact that its not home. I will become rich and lament on all that I cant give, all that I cant do.
So whats the bother wishing and wanting and killing myself for things that I havent experienced just because they are out there?
I want to wish and hope for real things.
I mean this isnt a real thing but I miss my grandparents so much tonight. Its not a particularly special night. I dont think I even know what day it is. But I miss them so much that I feel as if I cant breathe. I just sat in the closet for way too long going through old pictures, most of me, that they collected and missing them. Holding them and touching them thinking maybe I will feel them. I am doing so horribly in life and I just cant help but wonder what they think.
Do you know I wasnt around them when either one of them died? I was in school when my grandmother died and I had just gotten off work and was heading home when papa died. This journal doesnt even chronicle live thoughts about my grandmother because she was dead when I got a computer. She gave it to me.
6 years. Six long years she has been gone and I miss her every day. Every time I think to do something I miss her. My grandfather has been dead for a year. I dont know why I am stating all this again as if i havent done it in this journal before. I want to curl up into a little ball and just die.
So whats the bother wishing and wanting and killing myself for things that I havent experienced just because they are out there?
I want to wish and hope for real things.
I mean this isnt a real thing but I miss my grandparents so much tonight. Its not a particularly special night. I dont think I even know what day it is. But I miss them so much that I feel as if I cant breathe. I just sat in the closet for way too long going through old pictures, most of me, that they collected and missing them. Holding them and touching them thinking maybe I will feel them. I am doing so horribly in life and I just cant help but wonder what they think.
Do you know I wasnt around them when either one of them died? I was in school when my grandmother died and I had just gotten off work and was heading home when papa died. This journal doesnt even chronicle live thoughts about my grandmother because she was dead when I got a computer. She gave it to me.
6 years. Six long years she has been gone and I miss her every day. Every time I think to do something I miss her. My grandfather has been dead for a year. I dont know why I am stating all this again as if i havent done it in this journal before. I want to curl up into a little ball and just die.