Another letter you will never read
I'm admitting this because I hope with admitting I can let go and move on. But I seriously doubt that will be the end result. I'll probably just feel worse and go to bed crying, or just wishing I would because the pain is too much to bear when I expose my soul. But I'm tired of feeling like this. I just want a solution or something to happen so that I can feel better about this.
But here goes.
I still love you. There's nothing I can do about that, and nothing I can do to make you love me back, but it's a solid fact in my life and one of the reasons I find it so impossible to move on. The heart problem I was experiencing over a year ago has returned with the break up, but after coming home from Indy, it's been at its worst. I'm going to the doctor as soon as school starts again to get a second opinion. I know it's caused by thoughts of you, or just you in general. I'm not blaming you for this, but it's true.
I wish you weren't feeling the way you are now. The level of denial you are in about this just hurts me to no end. I know that you still care about me, the text message just proved it when I finally was accepting that you didn't. I wish I could help you, but I know that you need to get through this entirely on your own. I want you back, but I'm so conflicted about that. I only want you back if it's meant to be, but I don't know if it is or not, only because I keep getting conflicting acts of fate. I secretly think it is, but I don't want to warp my mind into thinking that we'll be together in the end if you are really moving on and it really isn't meant to be.
I can't help but love and care about you more than ever. I am reminded daily as to why I love you, and it just makes me hurt more. I can't convince myself like you that I don't because my heart always proves me wrong. To this day you are the only person who can truly make me laugh, and to the point that my abdominals feel like they're going rip from my ribs. I remember the night we were looking at a facebook group "I laugh at inappropriate times" and had to stop because we were convinced we were physically hurting ourselves by how hard we were laughing. You got me addicted to Dane Cook, amongst other things, and most of those things I'm afraid to enjoy because I'm only reminded of you and all the good times that came out of them. I remember during the hard times before the official break up you asked me why I loved you, because you just couldn't see it. I told you so many things and I think once I opened my mouth you felt guilty for even asking.
I wish the attempt in January never happened. All the times you reached out to me, I felt like I was imprisoned inside my own head. The real me was screaming to reach back and touch you too, but the depression had taken such a toll that I was physically incapable of loving you at the time. The depression was not your fault and, more importantly, had absolutely nothing to do with you. You never believed me when I said it, but I absolutely mean it from the bottom of my heart. I wish you could understand that when I wanted us to break up, it was so that I could get better and you could discover yourself and your individuality, so that after me getting cleaned up and you finding that confidence we could make a fresh start together. I didn't want it to end because I didn't feel the same about you, I just wanted us to be happy with ourselves so we could really take our relationship to the next level. But you didn't understand any of this. I pray more than anything that you will and that you will find a way back to me.
I know that you wanted to make it work, even after it was offically over. That talk in march proved that. I just think your mind and your heart are fighting each other over me. You always told me I was everything you could ever wanted, that I was your dream girl because I had the phsyical and the mental/emotional qualities you could only fantasize about. We shared the same views of the world, although some slightly different only because of our upbringing. But in the big picture, we were perfect. I don't understand why we can't be now. I would love for this to be broken down for me, but every time you've tried it's come off fake and phony. I wish I could believe, but I know you too well. For that I wish I didn't.
The last day in that apartment I wish you hadn't gone to work. You didn't want me to go and you didn't want to go. I know because it was clearly shown in your eyes. You made excuses to see me, yet you let me go and I wanted you to run to me and tell me to stay. I wish to this day that you would do something spectacular, but I'm trying to kill that hope so that I don't further break my heart.
Sometimes I daydream where I end up in the hospital for my heart and you come back to me because my near death shakes you to your core. You get out of your denial and realize that you still love me to and that you can't afford to really lose me again. But I don't want that. It feels too much like pity and I don't want your pity.
I'm going back to my counselor once school starts again. This time it won't be about the depression that sunk me so low in January, but about you and how to kill all the feeling I still have for you. If I'm not supposed to have you, then I don't want to feel this much pain anymore. It's unhealthy.
Even though the title says differently, I sometimes hope that you'd come across this and see what I've written. I want you to know how I feel, but not like when we last talked. I don't want this to hit the wall you've put back up, and I don't want it to fall onto deaf ears. I want it to hit your core and speak to your heart from mine.