How to drink like the Scots!
http://haggishunt.com/haggisclopedia.cfm [part 7]
When stalking the heather, our chief ghillie, Farquhar Farquharson is always careful to stock up on warming drinks "to keep the cold out". While other more timid souls rely on hot beverages and - pah! - soups, Mr Farquharson swears by an assortment of home-made tinctures without which he never leaves the house, even to go to the shops. Of course, he gets hypothermia every time he sets foot outside the house, but he says it doesn't really bother him anymore.
The editors of haggishunt.com have persuaded Mr Farquharson to share some of his recipes with our readers. He was quite happy to do this after five days locked in the coal shed with only distilled water for comfort.
WARNING These are alcoholic beverages and as such should be treated with respect. If you are under 18, you should not drink them. By the way, drinking does not make you funny, tough or attractive to the opposite sex (or the same sex for that matter). It makes you fall over and throw up. If you are over 18, remember that drinking makes you loud, boorish and utterly repellent to potential sexual partners.
Whisky with haggis chaser
Ingredients
Large bottle of malt whisky
A Haggis
A glass
A very very small amount of water (dinnae droon it laddie)
Method
Place generous amount of whisky in glass. Wave water over whisky. Drink whisky. Cook haggis the following morning and serve on toast with brown sauce as an excellent hangover cure.
Bloody haggis
Ingredients
Large bottle of malt whisky
A glass
A very very small jug of water
Tomato juice
Worcester sauce
Stick of celery
Bottle of vodka
Method
Place generous amount of whisky in glass. Wave water quickly over whisky. Reserve tomato juice for the next time you cook linguine. Place celery in bunnet. Dab Worcester sauce behind ears. You are now ready for a night on the town. Put vodka somewhere that local teenagers will be unable to find it. Drink whisky. Cook haggis the following morning and serve on toast with brown sauce as an excellent hangover cure.
Haggis sunrise
Ingredients
Large bottle of malt whisky
A large carton of orange juice
A Haggis
A glass
A very very small jug of water
Method
Dash eight sloshes of whisky into glass. Show water to whisky from minimum distance of ten yards. Carefully put carton of orange juice unopened in fridge lest it go off. Drink whisky. Cook haggis the following morning and serve on toast with brown sauce as an excellent hangover cure.
Sloe comfortable haggis against the wall
Ingredients
Large bottle of malt whisky
A large carton of orange juice
A Haggis
A glass
A very very small jug of water
A random selection of those lesser liquors in garish bottles so beloved by dull people seeking glamour
Method
Half-fill glass with whisky, then add more whisky. Sotto voce mention existence of water to whisky. Pour other spirits into the nearest pot plant. Give juice to tee totaller. Drink whisky. Cook haggis the following morning and serve on toast with brown sauce as an excellent hangover cure.
Haggis on the beach
Ingredients
Large bottle of malt whisky
A haggis
A very very small jug of water
Bag of sand
Method
Pour sand on ground. Pour water on ground. Strip down to your underwear. You are now at the beach. Use haggis as a beachball. Drink whisky from the bottle.
Russian Haggis
Ingredients
Large bottle of malt whisky
A haggis
A glass
A very very small jug of water
Bottle of vodka
Coffee liqueur
Cream
Method
Hold bottle of whisky vertically over glass for several seconds. Place jug of water in next room. Carefully position liqueur in cupboard beside tea bags - if you want ******* coffee, you'll drink ******* coffee. Place vodka unopened in freezer - it'll feel at home there. Drink whisky. Cook haggis the following morning and serve on toast with brown sauce as an excellent hangover cure. Drizzle cream round plate for dead classy presentation.
Haggis margarita
Ingredients
Large bottle of malt whisky
A Haggis
A lime
Lime juice
Bottle of tequila
Salt
A glass
Another glass
Small jug of water.
Method
Wet rim of glass and dip in salt. Cut lime into slices and attach to rim of glass. Wet bottom of glass with lime juice. Fill glass to rim with tequila. Drop lit match into glass. Now you have made a nice home-made heater, sit down beside it, rest your feet on the haggis and enjoy a wee dram.