(no subject)
in the last 48 hours i've gotten so freakin overwhelmed by everything...i feel sick. it's stupid how insignificant things can really get under my skin. well, i've also done a lot of thinking about friends and what makes a person a friend. i have a shit ton of aquaintances..but not many friends. time changes me in such a crazy way i can't even keep up anymore. and i think at some point i left some people behind. sorry. all i can think is that i have a goal now. i'm going to get out of school and a get a freakin job. and not just a job, i'm going to have a career. i guess that i will always end up leaving people behind it's just that the amount of people gone from my life within the last 3 years is intense. i'm sure it's normal i just wasnt ready for it. another huge thought i've come to terms with is that i need to stop putting myself around people who are going nowhere. it brings me down. down to that level of being comfortable doing nothing with my life. and that is not okay. i think that if i didn't have dereck and his family here and my family at home to keep pushing me along i would have given up by now. i would have quit school and not gone back. and would have been okay with working lame jobs for the rest of forever. i'm done with those people. completely. they aren't my friends anyway..it's not like i would call them to hang out with them. they just happen to be at the same places i would go, or are friends with people i would hang out with. and over time i suppose i ended up viewing them as friends. but they aren't. at all. friends respect each other and have each other's back. these people use each other and walk all over anyone who gives them the opportunity. i was adopted into this "family". i was an outsider who was brought in merely by a chance meeting.i was lucky because although i was enveloped in these relationships i could still see all the backstabbing going on within the group. it's funny how blinded people become around their friends. they let things go because the person is one of their best friends. but this person keeps using them time and time again, hurting their self esteem, and they seem to just look over it. i mean...i can understand if maybe the other person didnt know they were hurting someone, but their actions have been consistent throughout my time here. not a friend. so i guess this has become the time to expunge the bad in my life. i gotta do some laundry and try to forget the last 4 years of losers.