(no subject)
right now is one of those times i dont understand... i dont want to talk about it because it makes me feel weak just thinking this way. but i dont know wut to do.
for those of you who dont believe it fate, dont believe in feelings, or dont feel like thinking at all, dont read any further in this entry....
tuesday i had something happen to me unlike anything i have ever felt in my entire life. its hard for me to believe so i doubt anyone else will believe me but here goes... tuesday i practice, coach was setting up stuff for a drill. he told me to go stand in the net and get ready for shots. so i started walking... and at one point, i stopped... for no reason. i wasnt anywhere near the net yet, and i dont kno why i didnt keep walking. and i fell backwards. i didnt catch myself, i just fell. and i could hear suddenly the beating of my heart, and my slow deep breaths. it was all i could hear. everyone was only 20 or 30 yards away, and had been almost ready for the drill, it would have taken them 1 minute or 2 to finish and start because coach hates wasting time. but nothing happened. i closed my eyes, and could not hear them anymore, but only my breathing and heartbeat. and at that moment i thought to myself - i want to die. here. now... like this.... just like this... not later... no where else... now... and i wont tell u i wasnt terrified because i was. honestly i dunno why. but i was really scared. but right then... i think i was ready.... no one came over to tel me to get up... no one said anything.. i kno i was there a good 10 minutes. when i finaly opened my eyes, my vision was blurry a little and i felt a little weak. but after i stood up it disappeared. but when i turned, it was as if no time had passed at all. my coach was in the same sentece... halas who was taking soccer balls out of the bag, was still doing it... and it takes all of 20 seconds to take them out... i really dont get it... i dunno why i wrote all this but i guess its because im afraid. im afraid of what happened. because even if NOTHING happened, then i think i just convinced myself of something and in that case im a little crazy. and if it did then... well i dont even kno wut... i really just dont know...
for those of you who dont believe it fate, dont believe in feelings, or dont feel like thinking at all, dont read any further in this entry....
tuesday i had something happen to me unlike anything i have ever felt in my entire life. its hard for me to believe so i doubt anyone else will believe me but here goes... tuesday i practice, coach was setting up stuff for a drill. he told me to go stand in the net and get ready for shots. so i started walking... and at one point, i stopped... for no reason. i wasnt anywhere near the net yet, and i dont kno why i didnt keep walking. and i fell backwards. i didnt catch myself, i just fell. and i could hear suddenly the beating of my heart, and my slow deep breaths. it was all i could hear. everyone was only 20 or 30 yards away, and had been almost ready for the drill, it would have taken them 1 minute or 2 to finish and start because coach hates wasting time. but nothing happened. i closed my eyes, and could not hear them anymore, but only my breathing and heartbeat. and at that moment i thought to myself - i want to die. here. now... like this.... just like this... not later... no where else... now... and i wont tell u i wasnt terrified because i was. honestly i dunno why. but i was really scared. but right then... i think i was ready.... no one came over to tel me to get up... no one said anything.. i kno i was there a good 10 minutes. when i finaly opened my eyes, my vision was blurry a little and i felt a little weak. but after i stood up it disappeared. but when i turned, it was as if no time had passed at all. my coach was in the same sentece... halas who was taking soccer balls out of the bag, was still doing it... and it takes all of 20 seconds to take them out... i really dont get it... i dunno why i wrote all this but i guess its because im afraid. im afraid of what happened. because even if NOTHING happened, then i think i just convinced myself of something and in that case im a little crazy. and if it did then... well i dont even kno wut... i really just dont know...