the places you have come to fear the most...

[sasnaks_finest]

ok so for the past several nights i'll lay in bed and a million thoughts will engulf me. i want to right all of them down, but it honestly seems just impossible to do. i really don't know that i could because i'll literally sit up in bed and the minute i do so, the thoughts all escape me. i don't know what it is. but i think i've honestly figured out what it is. it's the fear of actually knowing what you're coming up against. i was talking to my friend michael about what my philosophy on life was. for awhile i thought the entire movie to rent was my philosophy. i think it's a tiny piece of my life, but i think for the most part i'm just trying to breathe. does that make sense??? i think i've spent so much of my life worried about what other people are thinking of me and what i was supposed to do for other people that i'd gotten so overwhelemed by life and i forgot to breathe. it's the most simple action, but what people forget to understand is that the minute we stop breathing, it's the minute we stop living. i don't think. actually, i konw i haven't lived at all these last several years. i stopped caring about cece and what i wanted and i almost let myself get to that place where i didn't know who i was anymore. i refuse to let myself go down that road any further. i want to be happy and i don't know that i can really be that. it sucks because every night i swear i can feel a piece of me slipping away the longer i stay in salina. the futher i fall into abyss, the more i leave myself. what am i supposed to do??? where am i supposed to go??? what am i supposed to be??

i've honestly thought about "it". i don't know that anyone really knows what "it" is, but i have honestly thought aboutin just saing goodbye because maybe that would be better option. i hate not being happy. what am i supposed to do because i can't cry forever...