(no subject)
I rarely remember my dreams during the days. But I remember today's.
I dreamed I returned to Orlando. The Prince greeted me, and told me she had something to show me, something secret. I don't remember what happened in the dream next - some dire oath, I'm sure, or something to put me eternally in her debt, but eternally worth it.
Because in the dream, she gave me Malchior.
I dreamed she brought me to a deep inner chamber, where he lay - torpored but not dead, just as I had prayed. In the dream, I pulled the stake from his chest. In my dream, despite the fact that it is my covenant and not his that condones this, he asked me to marry him - and in my dream, even though I disapprove of such things, I said yes.
I dreamed of us joined, of both the Circle and the Order condoning our union. I dreamed of Malchior and myself, recognized as being part of the same whole, as we should have been for so long now. I dreamed of the dot on my forehead, the one I have never worn, because I will not pretend to be a married woman when I am not.
It was such a beautiful dream. I awoke crying tears of blood for the joy of it.
Then Annie called me, to tell me I should come to Greece - that she had ashes to give me.
O my Goddess, how?!?
All I can do is what I started out to do. I will protect those who still matter to me; if I die doing so, then that's simply a happy coincidence.
I leave for Athens soon, and for Rome not long after. I fear this road - after centuries of playing it safe, taking such risks is anathema to me. But what else is there? Philosophy be damned, there are tribulations I cannot endure, and the loss of one of the few simple joys left to me - that's among them.
If I die, my dear, I am sorry, and even more so if I die for no good reason. Perhaps I should send a letter, to Felipe maybe, to explain? It seems unlucky, as if I'm betting on my own death - and you should know me, dear, self-effacing though I may act, I never bet on my own defeat. But what if I simply vanished, and you never knew? Why I left, and what you meant to me?
Malchior - there's so much I should have told him. I know that now. I never loved him the way he loved me. I never trusted him the way he trusted me - a quick glance through the papers he left me proves that. How many people would have killed him if they knew? There's so much I should have told him - and who knows, some of it might have kept him alive. Might have brought him home, where he would have written me a droll, tongue-in-cheek email about the events of the evening, assured that wherever I was, even if I affected not to receive it, i would read it and chuckle. If he was willing to take such risks for me, shouldn't I have taken such for him? Shouldn't I have spoken to Bella, to Felipe, about him?
Perhaps, but it's a moot point now - isn't it?
I will do everything in my power to defend the only family left to me, now that everything else has been taken away. And if by some bizarre chance I live, I will devote myself to that family. Live or die - it's all that is left.
And every year, come the fall, as long as I live - come Hell or high water, I will be on the Cliffs of Dover. Waiting. Because no matter what skin he wears - I know he will meet me there. Eventually.
I dreamed I returned to Orlando. The Prince greeted me, and told me she had something to show me, something secret. I don't remember what happened in the dream next - some dire oath, I'm sure, or something to put me eternally in her debt, but eternally worth it.
Because in the dream, she gave me Malchior.
I dreamed she brought me to a deep inner chamber, where he lay - torpored but not dead, just as I had prayed. In the dream, I pulled the stake from his chest. In my dream, despite the fact that it is my covenant and not his that condones this, he asked me to marry him - and in my dream, even though I disapprove of such things, I said yes.
I dreamed of us joined, of both the Circle and the Order condoning our union. I dreamed of Malchior and myself, recognized as being part of the same whole, as we should have been for so long now. I dreamed of the dot on my forehead, the one I have never worn, because I will not pretend to be a married woman when I am not.
It was such a beautiful dream. I awoke crying tears of blood for the joy of it.
Then Annie called me, to tell me I should come to Greece - that she had ashes to give me.
O my Goddess, how?!?
All I can do is what I started out to do. I will protect those who still matter to me; if I die doing so, then that's simply a happy coincidence.
I leave for Athens soon, and for Rome not long after. I fear this road - after centuries of playing it safe, taking such risks is anathema to me. But what else is there? Philosophy be damned, there are tribulations I cannot endure, and the loss of one of the few simple joys left to me - that's among them.
If I die, my dear, I am sorry, and even more so if I die for no good reason. Perhaps I should send a letter, to Felipe maybe, to explain? It seems unlucky, as if I'm betting on my own death - and you should know me, dear, self-effacing though I may act, I never bet on my own defeat. But what if I simply vanished, and you never knew? Why I left, and what you meant to me?
Malchior - there's so much I should have told him. I know that now. I never loved him the way he loved me. I never trusted him the way he trusted me - a quick glance through the papers he left me proves that. How many people would have killed him if they knew? There's so much I should have told him - and who knows, some of it might have kept him alive. Might have brought him home, where he would have written me a droll, tongue-in-cheek email about the events of the evening, assured that wherever I was, even if I affected not to receive it, i would read it and chuckle. If he was willing to take such risks for me, shouldn't I have taken such for him? Shouldn't I have spoken to Bella, to Felipe, about him?
Perhaps, but it's a moot point now - isn't it?
I will do everything in my power to defend the only family left to me, now that everything else has been taken away. And if by some bizarre chance I live, I will devote myself to that family. Live or die - it's all that is left.
And every year, come the fall, as long as I live - come Hell or high water, I will be on the Cliffs of Dover. Waiting. Because no matter what skin he wears - I know he will meet me there. Eventually.