Damage Assessment
I don't know who reads this anymore, but I assume everyone now knows that I am back in the states.
Unlike many chapters in my life which close gradually and even sluggishly, this particular chapter ended with me angrily and tearfully slamming the whole book shut and wondering if there is going to be another chapter at all. Finally, a month later, I'm opening it again to see the fallout of this little explosion and assessing the damage.
The damage was greatest on my sense of self worth, caused by a verbally abusive and manipulative employer, who met absolutely none of her contractual obligations and then made me feel like it was my fault. The damage to my sense of mission came in close second. I came to Cambodia wanting to make a substantial contribution to a good cause and left wondering if there's really such a thing as a "good cause" or if it really is all about good marketing and sales pitches. God dammit, Rachel, you will never know how dirty you really are. As long as your parents keep paying out of their pocket for you to employ a few HIV positive women, you can always hide behind them and make yourself look like a business-savy hero, instead of the narcissistic, histrionic, childish and border-line criminal woman that you really are. I hate myself for ever feeding your ridiculous ego and for ever promoting your supposedly "fair trade" brand that I now know is a total scam. Maybe one day you will realize that buying sweatshop-made tshirts at the market, dying them with chemicals and cutting them up to make a new product does not make your clothes "eco friendly" or "recycled" or "ethical" or "sustainable."
Ugh.
There was also the damage caused to my insides by the two bouts of food poisoning, but all that really pales in comparison to the havoc that the distance and the intensified financial instability wreaked on my vulnerable little family, and also to my relationship with my boy. Obviously we all make sacrifices to pursue our career and personal goals, but I've never met anyone who had to pay this heavily for a right-out-of-college, barely paid job opportunity...or any opportunity, for that matter. I still think many of the ultimatums were a bit unfair, but either way, I made arrangements to have my stuff sent back from Cambodia and decided to stay put to sort things out. I guess it's time to look for a job that would actually be worth making some of these sacrifices.
Oops, gotta go...to be continued.
Unlike many chapters in my life which close gradually and even sluggishly, this particular chapter ended with me angrily and tearfully slamming the whole book shut and wondering if there is going to be another chapter at all. Finally, a month later, I'm opening it again to see the fallout of this little explosion and assessing the damage.
The damage was greatest on my sense of self worth, caused by a verbally abusive and manipulative employer, who met absolutely none of her contractual obligations and then made me feel like it was my fault. The damage to my sense of mission came in close second. I came to Cambodia wanting to make a substantial contribution to a good cause and left wondering if there's really such a thing as a "good cause" or if it really is all about good marketing and sales pitches. God dammit, Rachel, you will never know how dirty you really are. As long as your parents keep paying out of their pocket for you to employ a few HIV positive women, you can always hide behind them and make yourself look like a business-savy hero, instead of the narcissistic, histrionic, childish and border-line criminal woman that you really are. I hate myself for ever feeding your ridiculous ego and for ever promoting your supposedly "fair trade" brand that I now know is a total scam. Maybe one day you will realize that buying sweatshop-made tshirts at the market, dying them with chemicals and cutting them up to make a new product does not make your clothes "eco friendly" or "recycled" or "ethical" or "sustainable."
Ugh.
There was also the damage caused to my insides by the two bouts of food poisoning, but all that really pales in comparison to the havoc that the distance and the intensified financial instability wreaked on my vulnerable little family, and also to my relationship with my boy. Obviously we all make sacrifices to pursue our career and personal goals, but I've never met anyone who had to pay this heavily for a right-out-of-college, barely paid job opportunity...or any opportunity, for that matter. I still think many of the ultimatums were a bit unfair, but either way, I made arrangements to have my stuff sent back from Cambodia and decided to stay put to sort things out. I guess it's time to look for a job that would actually be worth making some of these sacrifices.
Oops, gotta go...to be continued.