Having an odd couple of days.
The past two nights I’ve been feeling out of place. Like I’m physically here and I know it to be real, but I close my eyes and feel like I’m back in Covington. That sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, the deep overwhelming fear that I’m in trouble even though, I’ve done nothing wrong. I feel like I’m going to have an anxiety attack. When I lay in bed and the lights are out, I could swear I was back in that bed. What is it that sent me back there? It’s not a smell, or a sound.. maybe a phrase, a word? A look or a gesture? I have know idea. Only that I can’t seem to shake it. I don’t feel here. I feel lost. I feel clouded and confused and I hate it. I want to be here, I want to be me now, not the me from back then. I was shattered back then. I lived in constant fear and stress. I was empty and hollow and huddled. I haven’t been thinking of them, only myself back then. I used to be so strong and independent. When I lived there, I changed into something small and weak, and I’ve never found my way back. I’ve gotten stronger but never like I once was.
I’m exhausted and I don’t know what to do.