(no subject)
logic would say it would be easy to knwo what to do and how to feel. damn fucking logic.
i hate HATE that im still struggling with this and i find it really hard sometimes. i should be compeltly over it. i should be. why the hell arnt i?? i hate feeling conflicted and i hate having to fight myself constantly. desires/wants go compeltly against..well everything else. its hard to have the self control i have to maintain. and having past memories doesnt help and just adds to the problem. cuz while i KNOW nothing can be.. call it loniness or something, i dont know. cuz i have other people if i want. but i simply dont want. i miss familiar. and the one person that.. made me feel better about things and hopeful about the future.. is gone. again. and it leaves me feeling very.. vulnerable/weak/exposed. cuz i dont know what im doing. or what the future has. i have friends married..getting married..or all just happy in their situations w/ their sig. other and i really wonder if i'll end up like my uncle roy ya know? i dont know if i'll be trusting enough to let myself go there again w/ someone. and last person i tried to..well.. tht isnt working. i dont know if i did something wrong or if i just picked the wrong guy to feel that way about.. call it retardation or dumb bitch syndrome.. u pick. damnit i miss him.
i hate uncertainty and unknowns and being scared. i hate it. i need to be fucking strong. and i hate that im not. iv been wishing for the last yr to just turn off emotions.
i just turned 22 today and ud think id have a handle on this sort of stuff by now.. did i even learn ANYTHING in the last year? shit. i hate being weak and feeling weak. damnit i hate it.
alright.. theres my emotional breakdown for the day. maybe i'll sleep a couple hrs before dad picks me up for breakfast. i'll be good as new w/ no signs of the weakness upon awakening. yay. i hope today si good. i want a good birthday...
i hate HATE that im still struggling with this and i find it really hard sometimes. i should be compeltly over it. i should be. why the hell arnt i?? i hate feeling conflicted and i hate having to fight myself constantly. desires/wants go compeltly against..well everything else. its hard to have the self control i have to maintain. and having past memories doesnt help and just adds to the problem. cuz while i KNOW nothing can be.. call it loniness or something, i dont know. cuz i have other people if i want. but i simply dont want. i miss familiar. and the one person that.. made me feel better about things and hopeful about the future.. is gone. again. and it leaves me feeling very.. vulnerable/weak/exposed. cuz i dont know what im doing. or what the future has. i have friends married..getting married..or all just happy in their situations w/ their sig. other and i really wonder if i'll end up like my uncle roy ya know? i dont know if i'll be trusting enough to let myself go there again w/ someone. and last person i tried to..well.. tht isnt working. i dont know if i did something wrong or if i just picked the wrong guy to feel that way about.. call it retardation or dumb bitch syndrome.. u pick. damnit i miss him.
i hate uncertainty and unknowns and being scared. i hate it. i need to be fucking strong. and i hate that im not. iv been wishing for the last yr to just turn off emotions.
i just turned 22 today and ud think id have a handle on this sort of stuff by now.. did i even learn ANYTHING in the last year? shit. i hate being weak and feeling weak. damnit i hate it.
alright.. theres my emotional breakdown for the day. maybe i'll sleep a couple hrs before dad picks me up for breakfast. i'll be good as new w/ no signs of the weakness upon awakening. yay. i hope today si good. i want a good birthday...