Trinkets of Truth
Break has improved...the last few days have been a blast of activity, the love of my life.
Although, I've gotta say, those all too frequent looks of discomfort, condescension, disapoint, disgust staring me in the eyes must be banned from the face of this earth, either that or I just need to shape up.
I found out my eccentric cousin was accepted to Duke. Good for her...she's smart, spunky, and deserving of a choice education. However, this makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm tired of hearing about the top-notch colleges attended by the members of my fathers line, whether deserving or not. No matter how much i try to convince myself that prestige and grades only come second to the actual knowledge and growth that one gains from school, I don't want to disapoint my father. I see his envy of his friends and family who have "intellectual" children at those schools. I'm tired of looking at myself and my record, measuring myself up.......only to find the mere mediocrity that those senseless, yet powerful numbers represent. The SATs are coming up, soon I will be barfing.......I'm scared to try because I don't want to fail.......I don't want to prove that I'm just unable. I'm scared to move froward, to fucking live because I don't want to suck, i don't want rejection, I convince myself that I'd rather sit still. Too bad time moves on without my consent. I think I need to look past it all. It's sad how I admire the person I used to be last year, for actually doing so, whether I'm fooling myself or not.
My thirst for knowledge is unbearable. I'm must cath up on my readin' and go fishin'.
Is it a problem that I aimlessly walk around my house daydreaming my life away?
Although, I've gotta say, those all too frequent looks of discomfort, condescension, disapoint, disgust staring me in the eyes must be banned from the face of this earth, either that or I just need to shape up.
I found out my eccentric cousin was accepted to Duke. Good for her...she's smart, spunky, and deserving of a choice education. However, this makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm tired of hearing about the top-notch colleges attended by the members of my fathers line, whether deserving or not. No matter how much i try to convince myself that prestige and grades only come second to the actual knowledge and growth that one gains from school, I don't want to disapoint my father. I see his envy of his friends and family who have "intellectual" children at those schools. I'm tired of looking at myself and my record, measuring myself up.......only to find the mere mediocrity that those senseless, yet powerful numbers represent. The SATs are coming up, soon I will be barfing.......I'm scared to try because I don't want to fail.......I don't want to prove that I'm just unable. I'm scared to move froward, to fucking live because I don't want to suck, i don't want rejection, I convince myself that I'd rather sit still. Too bad time moves on without my consent. I think I need to look past it all. It's sad how I admire the person I used to be last year, for actually doing so, whether I'm fooling myself or not.
My thirst for knowledge is unbearable. I'm must cath up on my readin' and go fishin'.
Is it a problem that I aimlessly walk around my house daydreaming my life away?