Futility in the search // Nick's relationship rules
I just came back from Hot Italian's apartment. There we talked about the events of the last week. There, he further specified his reasons for our break-up.
It wasn't anything I "did," except the fact I just didn't fully comprehend that he was in the closet and my public displays of affection, i.e., my snipe-kissing him on the street, he just didn't like. The culmination of his apprehension towards me with regard to me respecting his anonymity was the "pointing" incident that did happen last Sunday. He does not think I told Nicole about him. He managed to salvage the situation with his ex at the restaruant when we saw HP4. He even got over the "pointing" incident from last week.
The main reason he decided to break up with me was because out personalities are incompatible. No, that is not an excuse from him, because he gave me examples of how we would become aggravated by each other's snafus. So, I agree with his logic.
What makes me so damn sad right now is the fact that I feel I missed a really good opportunity to really experience a dating relationship for the first time. I was really looking forward to getting to know someone and sharing myself with someone and experience what they experience and having them know me. I was looking forward to the actual "sharing" that occures when you are in a relationship. I was looking forward to holding hands with someone and hugging and kissing them and waking up next to someone.
I would have really liked to experience those things with Hot Italian because he was what I was looking for in a boyfriend. He was smart. He had a three-dimensional personality, unlike most other gay men who are so damn shallow it hurts to think of. He was also very handsome. I was really thinking I hit a home run with him.
I am so sick of being single. I am 26 years old and I feel that opportunities, like Hot Italian, are passing me by. It feels like I will never in the right place at the right time to stand up and say, "Hey you--single, handsome, deep gay man who is looking for someone like me--Here I am!"
[I really cried typing the above paragraphs.]
So, what do I do in this situation? Learn, obviously. I have learned that I will not my soul-mate in some goddamn chat room. That is why I deleted my account from gay.com site. I am so sick of going into the chat room and being barraged by chicken-hawks and ad-bots. I don't have the patience to deal with such triviality anymore. I will not find my soul-mate in a dark and nasty dance club. I hate the fact that I have to spend close to a small fortune just to go to those places just to drink over-priced beer and listen to LOUD music and hope that someone finds me attractive enough to come up to me and say so.
So what does this leave me? I don't have chat rooms or dance clubs to use for my never-ending search for my soul-mate. [Of course I didn't have that much hope for clubs. I usually went just so I could get out. But in the back of my mind I was thinking to myself, "Maybe I'll get lucky this time." I though chat rooms could work, but I don't want to deal with the bullshit having to wade through ad-bots and pop-ups and banners hoping I'll find someone--who probably isn't how they describe themselves anyway.] Am I relegated to friends introducing me to friends who will introduce me to friends who will introduce me to friends who will introduce me to someone who may find me interesting? That is depressing me.
Yes. I did learn. A few years ago I came up with "rules" that I would have to have in my boyfriend. They are:
I just feel really, really lonely right now.
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It wasn't anything I "did," except the fact I just didn't fully comprehend that he was in the closet and my public displays of affection, i.e., my snipe-kissing him on the street, he just didn't like. The culmination of his apprehension towards me with regard to me respecting his anonymity was the "pointing" incident that did happen last Sunday. He does not think I told Nicole about him. He managed to salvage the situation with his ex at the restaruant when we saw HP4. He even got over the "pointing" incident from last week.
The main reason he decided to break up with me was because out personalities are incompatible. No, that is not an excuse from him, because he gave me examples of how we would become aggravated by each other's snafus. So, I agree with his logic.
What makes me so damn sad right now is the fact that I feel I missed a really good opportunity to really experience a dating relationship for the first time. I was really looking forward to getting to know someone and sharing myself with someone and experience what they experience and having them know me. I was looking forward to the actual "sharing" that occures when you are in a relationship. I was looking forward to holding hands with someone and hugging and kissing them and waking up next to someone.
I would have really liked to experience those things with Hot Italian because he was what I was looking for in a boyfriend. He was smart. He had a three-dimensional personality, unlike most other gay men who are so damn shallow it hurts to think of. He was also very handsome. I was really thinking I hit a home run with him.
I am so sick of being single. I am 26 years old and I feel that opportunities, like Hot Italian, are passing me by. It feels like I will never in the right place at the right time to stand up and say, "Hey you--single, handsome, deep gay man who is looking for someone like me--Here I am!"
[I really cried typing the above paragraphs.]
So, what do I do in this situation? Learn, obviously. I have learned that I will not my soul-mate in some goddamn chat room. That is why I deleted my account from gay.com site. I am so sick of going into the chat room and being barraged by chicken-hawks and ad-bots. I don't have the patience to deal with such triviality anymore. I will not find my soul-mate in a dark and nasty dance club. I hate the fact that I have to spend close to a small fortune just to go to those places just to drink over-priced beer and listen to LOUD music and hope that someone finds me attractive enough to come up to me and say so.
So what does this leave me? I don't have chat rooms or dance clubs to use for my never-ending search for my soul-mate. [Of course I didn't have that much hope for clubs. I usually went just so I could get out. But in the back of my mind I was thinking to myself, "Maybe I'll get lucky this time." I though chat rooms could work, but I don't want to deal with the bullshit having to wade through ad-bots and pop-ups and banners hoping I'll find someone--who probably isn't how they describe themselves anyway.] Am I relegated to friends introducing me to friends who will introduce me to friends who will introduce me to friends who will introduce me to someone who may find me interesting? That is depressing me.
Yes. I did learn. A few years ago I came up with "rules" that I would have to have in my boyfriend. They are:
- They must be out to their parents. -- If a gay man is out to their parents, then he is not carrying the baggage of paranoia of someone "finding out he is gay and that information somehow getting back to his parents." Also, there is a good chance that if he is out to his parents, then he is out to his friends in his everyday life. Again, there is no paranoia there regarding being out to friends, as well. Hmm...that sounds like someone I know.
- He is not married. -- Well DUH.....
- He is not bisexual. -- While I do believe in bisexuality, most bisexuals are gay me who are too afriad of fully admitting they are gay. Refer to rule 1.
- He does not verbally/physically abuse me. He does not cheat on me. -- Well DUH.....
- He does not drink too much alcohol and smoke too much pot. -- Even though I have not smoke marijuana in almost 5 years, I do consider myself a smoker because I probably will start again. I was a once-a-month smoker. Anyway, he should also know when to say "enough" to both habits.
- He is honest and communicates with me. -- For the love of God, please tell me your feelings, wishes, desires, grievances, annoyances, whatever. I am willing to listen, because you can be sure you will hear my feelings, wishes, desires, grievances, annoyances, whatevers. All the time.
I just feel really, really lonely right now.
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