What a dolt I've been.
Lucky breaks. Weird coincidences. These are the extreme likely events being realized. What are the chances? What are the odds? How do people end up lucky? What if luck was a real, tangible force that could be analyzed in some way?
Lucky breaks. How do people get lucky?
Weird coincidences. What event or events lead to that particular moment, had to be navigated for you?
What if you “landed” in a physical “weird coincidence” cycle in which I fell into incredible luck. The events that conspired since the moment of my bad choice bad truth moment. How did I get so lucky? How did I get so lucky as to score a man who loves me unconditionally, but yet I cannot give back even the smallest iota of true-ness and realness. How did I become so walled? How do I break through this wall of selfishness and greed if it constantly gives me the things I absolutely don’t need right now. These decisions have trapped me in some physical way into something I legitimately did not earn. I did not earn true love because I somehow did not achieve adulthood. I mean, real manhood. Real goddamn adulthood. Real independence. And real maturity. And real truth. And real true love.
The simple act of giving love - which is so easy for humans - is incomprehensible to me. The absolute love I give is the only love that sustains me physically. It sustains my mechanisms of indulgence and hedonism. It enables me to sleep in a comfortable bed, and eat healthy food, and stay up all the time and play games. I can’t have these things because they somehow keep me from being an adult. Do my toys own me? If so, how do I break free? If not, how much more can I balance to keep the deep illusion of advancement and business. I have a feeling I am typing, word-for-word, a previous entry somewhere. I have this familiar feeling.
Why do I look like a human if I am not humanistic? Am I an animal in disguise? Is my facade me? Why am I? Why do I do the things and do, and choose the things I choose. How do I break free of my selfishness when it needs what I have to sustain itself. These things are external. How do I assimilate that into my thinking? Even if this were true. How do I break free of a cage that is imprinted and engraved into a surface that cannot be hopped over - to see another groove in the surface of possibility. How do I break free of my choices which are ungrounded in probabilities into the future - the 4D? How do I have the foresight to see the branches and avoid the bad goddamn choices that are always based upon selfishness?
Do I need to truly give? Is that the remedy of selfishness? How do I give selflessly if my selfishness feeds off of the things I need for my survival. Food, shelter. For me to truly (try to) live on my own is to fail because I have always survived by charity. After Kevin, there be no one else. And it will be Kevin because he is the only way I can survive in the wild of reality. And Kevin deserves better than that. He deserves and adult.
Too many toys. But they fill my time with meaningless purpose. Too many vapid college classes. But they give the impression of advancement. I am such a dolt.
Lucky breaks. How do people get lucky?
Weird coincidences. What event or events lead to that particular moment, had to be navigated for you?
What if you “landed” in a physical “weird coincidence” cycle in which I fell into incredible luck. The events that conspired since the moment of my bad choice bad truth moment. How did I get so lucky? How did I get so lucky as to score a man who loves me unconditionally, but yet I cannot give back even the smallest iota of true-ness and realness. How did I become so walled? How do I break through this wall of selfishness and greed if it constantly gives me the things I absolutely don’t need right now. These decisions have trapped me in some physical way into something I legitimately did not earn. I did not earn true love because I somehow did not achieve adulthood. I mean, real manhood. Real goddamn adulthood. Real independence. And real maturity. And real truth. And real true love.
The simple act of giving love - which is so easy for humans - is incomprehensible to me. The absolute love I give is the only love that sustains me physically. It sustains my mechanisms of indulgence and hedonism. It enables me to sleep in a comfortable bed, and eat healthy food, and stay up all the time and play games. I can’t have these things because they somehow keep me from being an adult. Do my toys own me? If so, how do I break free? If not, how much more can I balance to keep the deep illusion of advancement and business. I have a feeling I am typing, word-for-word, a previous entry somewhere. I have this familiar feeling.
Why do I look like a human if I am not humanistic? Am I an animal in disguise? Is my facade me? Why am I? Why do I do the things and do, and choose the things I choose. How do I break free of my selfishness when it needs what I have to sustain itself. These things are external. How do I assimilate that into my thinking? Even if this were true. How do I break free of a cage that is imprinted and engraved into a surface that cannot be hopped over - to see another groove in the surface of possibility. How do I break free of my choices which are ungrounded in probabilities into the future - the 4D? How do I have the foresight to see the branches and avoid the bad goddamn choices that are always based upon selfishness?
Do I need to truly give? Is that the remedy of selfishness? How do I give selflessly if my selfishness feeds off of the things I need for my survival. Food, shelter. For me to truly (try to) live on my own is to fail because I have always survived by charity. After Kevin, there be no one else. And it will be Kevin because he is the only way I can survive in the wild of reality. And Kevin deserves better than that. He deserves and adult.
Too many toys. But they fill my time with meaningless purpose. Too many vapid college classes. But they give the impression of advancement. I am such a dolt.