And Then the Stars Exploded
Title: And Then the Stars Exploded
Rating: R
Genre: Fluff (?), Psychological (?), Thriller (?), Angst (?), AU
Pairing: Sakumiya
Length: 3700+
Summary: Sho, more than once, entertained the thought that perhaps, if the occasion called for it, maybe he’d die for him. And Sho, more than once, shook his head at himself. It wasn’t a maybe or a perhaps. It was a definitely. But it didn’t take him long to realise something else. That he’d kill for him too. Simply because he loved him.
Warnings: Death, sort of brushed over non-explicit sex, mentions of blood....i don't want to spoil much just don't expect full-on fluff. It was inspired by Takashi Miike's 'Audition' (1999) if that's anything to go by...
Note to the reader and fic-receiver:
Hi! I was really conflicted over what to write and started writing down many different ideas but since I had never written anything of this genre before I decided to give it a go (by genre...it's sort of all really mushed together). It was kind of hard to write but I'm really quite pleased with the end result! Also I'm sorry if this is not what you meant by a happy ending, that's what it sounded like in my head when I was planning this out hahaha, so really sorry. But I really hope you enjoy it anyways!
Written for the Sakumiya Valentines Exchange, for neko_kirin3104!!
Why I'm finally posting it now, because time has not been kind to me lmao. This isn't new, written back earlier in the year for the exchange but since then I've made a couple edits, just grammar, wording, nothing major. Info no one needed to know, I was seriously struggling with this fic before the deadline and I would like to shout out my thanks to Zayn's 'Pillow Talk' for inspiring me to get through it. It just has that atmosphere, u know?
I'm sorry I have been totally dead. Since writing this fic, I fell into writer's block, started my first year of uni and have been dealing with a couple personal issues. I guess there's nothing pressing since the series I'm writing functions on just short one-shots instead of a chaptered plot but I promise!! I love that universe and more will definitely come!! I also have other fic ideas in my head that I have no idea how to write (lmao) and when i will be able to. But despite this several months long absence I will return! Hopefully sooner rather than later.
[What to expect from me? More sakumiya, maybe sakumoto *eye emoji*, and a gen focusing on the relationship between ohmiya!! I'm also thinking of opening another journal for my fics, or an ao3 maybe? I'll see.]
Sorry for the long spiel, I hope you enjoy the fic!!
And Then the Stars Exploded
He loved him.
Sho didn’t fancy himself as someone so simple as to indulge in concepts like ‘fate’ and 'love at first sight’. But from the second he saw him, he knew that his life would never be the same again.
He had been so sure of himself too, had stepped through life too carefully. Everything was in its in place. Orderly and disciplined, boundaries he had set for himself and rules that dictated every decision, every thought, every twitch of his arm. But all it took was one moment, one smile so sweet it was toxic, for everything to fall apart. But it was okay because,
He loved him.
His name was Ninomiya Kazunari. And he was beautiful.
Sho loved everything about him.
Everything that he could see.
Everything that he could hear.
Everything that he could kiss.
Everything that his heart could feel.
He loved all of him, without exception.
From the moles on his chin to the way he’d smother laughter into the crook of his elbow. From the tiny sneezes he chuffed out at night when the window was a crack open too wide to the petulant pout he’d put on whenever Sho marvelled at his small hands.
And then from the way he could smell Nino in his clothes to the way he could taste himself on his skin.
He loved all these things.
Even his flaws.
His impatience, his stubbornness, his lies.
His jealousy.
But Sho looked past all these things because,
He loved him.
Sho remembered the first time they had met.
More specifically he remembered the way his heart had collapsed in on itself as he glanced up at the man who sat before him. He had made note of the way laughter slipped out of the man’s mouth with a playful lilt and how he talked as if something was always amusing him. The quirk of his lips, the sweep of his hair, the edge in his eyes; everything about him was burned into his mind. It had only been mere seconds but he could already feel himself falling, and falling hard. They had talked for a long time, about anything, nothing and everything in between.
He had taken in everything Nino had told him, every insignificant detail. If you’d ask him now, he’d still remember them all.
Nino had just turned a year shy of thirty that month surprisingly. He didn’t look a day over twenty-five. He worked at a small bar down in Ginza called 'Small Rock’ where he apparently made a lot off tips. As a child he would leave a can of tuna out on his windowsill for the neighbourhood stray and when he’d gained a little more courage one night, he cracked the window open a little too, wide enough for it to slip in. Sho remembered Nino’s wry smile as he showed him the three scars that act of bravery had earned him. And when he has free time, Nino liked to go for a ride with all the windows down, driving out of Tokyo until the only lights he could see were the stars.
But more than anything Sho remembered the way his heart jumped at the warmth of Nino’s hand on his own.
Thinking about it afterwards, Sho let himself smile.
Though he did find it peculiar that he couldn’t recall anything else about the day they had met. Not the time he had first saw him nor what he had been wearing that day, not even the weather forecast that morning (but he did remember the way the sunlight touched golden soft upon Nino’s skin so it must have been sunny).
His mind had been completely consumed by the man across from him until he was all he could think about, and it still was.
But Sho didn’t care because he knew from that moment on that,
He loved him.
Sho, more than once, entertained the thought that perhaps, if the occasion called for it, maybe he’d die for him. And Sho, more than once, shook his head at himself. It wasn’t a maybe or a perhaps.
It was a definitely.
He would jump in front of a bullet for him, push him out of the way of an incoming train, maybe even give up an organ or two. He’d chuckled to himself quietly, almost a self-deprecating quality to his laughter as the scenarios played through his head. It was quite the romantic concept, dying for someone you loved.
But it didn’t take Sho long to realise something else. That he’d kill for him too. Simply because,
He loved him.
Nino smiled at him from across the red.
“Do you like it?”
Roses, ribbons, a handwritten note.
“I thought you said anniversaries were stupid.”
It was all, completely, entirely red.
“Tut-tut, that’s not answering my question.”
Sho let out a quiet laugh. Stepping around the table, he wrapped an arm around the smaller man’s waist and pressed a kiss into his hair. “I love it.”
Nino leaned into him, looking up into his eyes, and smiled. “I knew you would.”
There it was.
That smile. The smile that changed Sho’s entire world.
Just looking at it made him dizzy.
“Beautiful…”
“Me or the flowers?”
“You. You’re beautiful,” Sho clarified, nuzzling into his hair.
“And you, mister, are holding me way too tight,” Nino teased, squirming out of his grip. Rising up on his tiptoes, he left a chaste kiss on Sho’s lips. “Come on, let’s go. Or we’ll be late for our reservation.”
“Let me just put these fellas in some water first.”
“Sure. I’ll be waiting outside.”
Sho hummed his agreement.
He heard the door click behind him as he held a glass vase under the tap.
The roses were beautiful, a brilliant and absolute red. He held the bouquet up to the light of the sun that was just beginning to slip behind the horizon, setting the entire room on fire. It felt almost alive. The note was loose in his grip.
Yours, forever and always.
With a smile, he slipped it into his breast pocket.
But in the next moment Sho felt a sudden pang of pain, sharp and throbbing. Bright red began spilling from the flowers, creeping down his arm and dripping onto the floor. He had forgotten about the thorns. One had caught his skin and torn a deep cut through his flesh. It hurt, hurt a lot. But Sho just stared at it all.
It was strange.
He knew he should’ve cleaned it up, that he should’ve done something to stop the bleeding. But it was almost as if it he couldn’t look away. It was a moment of perfect clarity.
And then suddenly there were hands warm on his back.
“What happened to you?”
He hadn’t heard the door open.
“Huh?” Sho snapped back towards the present, towards the man pressing into his back with a worried look on his face. “Oh, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”
“That’s an awful lot of blood to not be worried about it.”
Nino took him towards the sink, and ran his arm under the tap. The blood curled dark tendrils into the water as they both watched it spiral down the drain. It didn’t hurt anymore.
Nino held up Sho’s hand, still wet, and pressed a kiss against his wound. His lips came away glistening, tinged with red. He spoke quietly. “You should be more careful,”
That was when Sho knew.
He knew that he’d never be able to leave him, no matter what happened. He’d follow him anywhere if he had too. He needed this too much, needed him. His smile, his voice, his everything.
It was like a drug and Sho was addicted.
It was dangerous, that desperate need for someone. But he didn’t mind because,
He loved him.
Colours. Colour everywhere.
The wind danced music into their hair and the sun left golden kisses on their skin.
Sho had never thought that in the middle of nowhere would be so beautiful.
Six hours, a straight drive out of Tokyo, following those vague instructions Sho found this place. It should be somewhere that takes your breath away, Nino had whispered into his ear the night before.
The younger man led him deeper into the field of flowers, fingers and heart entwined.
They lay among the colours, becoming a part of it. They didn’t talk, didn’t feel the need to. But despite everything around them, the wonder of it all, Sho’s eyes stayed on Nino.
A smile quirked his lips, and a wistfulness misted his eyes, soft and delicate like a flower. Sho never thought he looked more beautiful than in that moment.
He leaned forward.
When their lips touched, both their eyes fluttered closed.
But they could still see everything. The colours burst behind their eyelids and touches shy on their skin exploded like sparks of electricity. He wanted to put everything, everything he felt into it so that even without words Nino would know that,
He loved him.
“Is that your little brother?”
“Yeah, his name is Shuu.”
“He looks just like you.”
“Does he? People are always saying that. You’ll probably meet him one of these days.”
Nino didn’t reply.
It was an idle afternoon. The two of them lay tangled up in each other on the floor, feet pressed together and noses upturned in an attempt to get used to the new rug smell. Photo albums, creased at their spines, were splayed out before them. They just needed something to do.
But there was something in Nino’s eyes, something that Sho couldn’t quite make out but was indubitably there. It was something that made the air around them heavy, something that made the edges of his vision flicker with unease.
It was cold.
Almost 6pm, the sun had already begun to set.
The shadows in the room grew.
“Say,” Sho began. “Why haven’t I met any of your friends yet? Or your family?”
He had to wait a few seconds before Nino replied.
“There’s no one except you, no one else that matters. I only love you.”
Nino turned to fix Sho with a stare. There was a vulnerability to his eyes that made Sho’s breath catch in his throat. A rawness such as that that Sho had to remind himself to keep breathing.
“Don’t you love me?” Nino’s voice quivered as he spoke.
Smiling, Sho ghosted a kiss on his lips, in his hair, across his skin, to say that he understood.
But he didn’t really.
But what he did know was that,
He loved him.
Vivid colours exploded above their heads, painting the night sky.
The two of them lay on the slope of their roof watching, the fireworks reflected in the light of their eyes.
Nino’s hand found Sho’s, lacing their fingers together. His thumb moved over Sho’s scar in slow, comforting strokes.
“I love you,” his voice was soft.
“I love you too,” Sho replied, giving his hand a squeeze.
Nino waited until the fireworks were over and only smoke was left lingering in the sky before he continued.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Everything.”
Sho’s heart beat faster against his ribcage, nerves tingling as he felt Nino’s eyes on him. He shifted his head to meet them. They were both smiling.
And Sho was happy.
He had never loved anyone as much as,
He loved him.
Sho remembered their first night together.
Bare bodies moving in the darkness.
Starlight glancing off skin.
Gasps of someone’s name, probably his, and shallow breaths pushed through trembling lips.
It all felt so good. Nino felt so good.
Sho lost himself in the pleasure.
It was a sort of pleasure that he wouldn’t have been able to describe, only feel.
It was a yearning that took over his head like smoke, a need that flooded his senses and a thrill that set his nerves alight so that the only thing he could think about was the man beneath him and how much he needed this right in that moment. Nothing else mattered, nobody else but them.
And with static that sparked white-hot through his veins, it all exploded.
In that moment he remembered as fingers dug deeper into his back, pulling him closer, tighter, and a voice, barely a breath, in his ear.
“You’re mine.”
Sho woke up the next morning to find his bed empty.
When he couldn’t reach him through his cell, he decided to find a number for the small bar where Nino worked.
They told him no one by that name had ever worked there before.
Sho knew something was off.
But he said nothing when Nino came home that afternoon, couldn’t say anything when Nino kissed him the way he did and curled his fingers in his hair.
It was okay like this, Sho reasoned. He didn’t have to know. All he needed to know was that,
He loved him.
The air was alive with static. Heavy, it bore down on Sho’s shoulders until he felt like he was suffocating.
He stood silently looking out his window. He didn’t like days like this.
The sky was thick with clouds wherever the eye could see, dark and foreboding, promising a storm to come. But somewhere, the sun shone. Bright, it lit up the entire city, stark against the darkening skies. Sho couldn’t help but feel uneasy. It didn’t feel as if it belonged, almost as if God himself was turning a torch on the world like a child would do a third-grade classroom diorama.
It felt fake.
“Are you okay?”
He felt cold hands on his back. It was Nino.
“I’m fine.”
He let the body behind him pull him back to bed. It was a touch that should’ve been familiar but wasn’t. And for a moment, he had to remind himself that,
He loved him.
Slammed doors. Strained shouts. Sho just hoped the neighbours couldn’t hear.
It had been nothing.
It had just been out late for drinks with Aiba, a workmate and a close friend. Something he used to do often that he hadn’t really gotten around to lately.
Sho turned the word over in his head.
Lately.
That meant not since he met Nino.
He didn’t understand why he had been so angry, so jealous. He should’ve trusted Sho and known that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt him.
But his eyes.
He had never seen them so cold and dark.
At least, Sho thought, he was still allowed to sleep in their bed. But Nino didn’t let him touch him that night.
“I’m sorry.”
He said it softly, but the weight of it all still hung in the air. He wasn’t sure whether Nino was still awake. But he hoped he felt it and knew that,
He loved him.
“Do you love me?”
Sho’s voice was soft. The night was still and quiet, but brimming with restlessness. From where they lay, Sho could see the stars. He counted them as he waited for an answer.
“Of course,” came Nino’s voice, a hushed breath against Sho’s chest. “More than anything.”
Thirty-three.
Sho wondered how many stars it would’ve taken him to say the same, to say to Nino that,
He loved him.
It was because he insisted on cooking that day. He should have been the one to answer the door. If he could have dealt with burnt omelettes for one more day, then maybe it wouldn’t have all come so quickly to a stop.
“Oh, hello. You are?” Sho could hear the confusion in Nino’s voice from the kitchen.
His heart dropped when he heard the familiar chattering of his friend.
“Aiba Masaki! Nice to meet you,” the man chirped. “Is Sho-chan home?”
Sho could hear the change in Nino’s voice right away. He’d been with him too long not to.
“Sho-chan?” Nino reply came, a cold edge to it. “He’s…out.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. He left this at work, could you give it to him for me?”
Nino must’ve nodded.
“Thanks! You must be Ninomiya-san, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“Likewise.”
The next thing Sho heard was the door closing shut, a little too hard on the frame, heavy steps across the dining room floor before finally the slam of their bedroom door. After a few moments, he stepped out into the quiet of the lounge to set the table, eyeing the scarf he had left at work that day lying crumpled on the ground.
He didn’t call Nino out for dinner. He knew that he shouldn’t disturb him when he got like this.
So instead he sat. He ate. He waited.
But Nino still didn’t come out.
Sho stared down at his half-eaten, cold dinner as his chest twisted and turned and clawed at itself because even then,
He loved him.
Nino would leave for long whiles in the morning, evenings and in between. Sho was used to it but that didn’t make it hurt any less.
It was cold without him. Empty.
But sometimes an empty home was better than when he was there. The coldness of his eyes cut Sho so much deeper, made him bleed and want to beg for forgiveness, anything just to make it better.
He lay in the middle of their bed.
Lifted a hand to the ceiling.
He closed his eyes.
He thought back to the colours.
Somewhere out there.
A better place, a better time.
But when he opened his eyes, he wasn’t there. He was still here, caught in the present. Heart barely beating just because,
He loved him.
6:00pm. Every weekday. He made sure to get home on time.
He had hardly seen Aiba for the past few months, ignoring him at work and trying to pretend that he wasn’t there. He had hardly seen anyone really. But he still answered phone calls, text messages asking how he was doing and whether he was ok.
That had been a mistake.
One morning he awoke to find his bed cold and empty. At that point, it was expected.
He realised almost immediately that his phone was not where he had left it. And it took him no longer than that to realise that someone had been going through his messages. The messages that he had received and those that he had been sending to his family, to Aiba, the other people that mattered.
Sho threw his phone across the room.
He began to wonder, to truly question whether,
He loved him.
It hurt. Everything did. An all-consuming, confusing hurt and Sho didn't know if he could keep his head above water any longer.
He left the window open so he could feel the wind.
He imagined Nino’s hands on his back.
His lips.
He imagined a breath brushing his ear telling him, “You’re mine.”
And then he surrendered himself.
He let everything go because,
He loved him.
When Aiba wasn’t at work, Sho knew.
He knew deep inside, deeper than his bones, deeper than the throbbing of his heart. He just knew.
The sky, it was so red.
He dragged his feet home that day, enjoying the burn of the sun’s last heat on his back. The air was still and thick with electricity. He could barely move through it, could barely breathe. His chest felt tight and each inhale was harder than the one before it.
But despite that he smiled.
The cold started at his fingertips as the night first begun to seep into the sky and by the time he reached their door, he could hardly feel anything. But as he looked up, he swore he had never seen a more beautiful sight. The sky, it was so bright.
Sho looked at his watch.
8:06pm. He was late. He hoped Nino wouldn’t be mad.
He took a deep breath.
His hand lingered on the doorknob.
3.
2.
1.
He turned it.
And then the night split open.
And the stars fell down on him.
And all he could do was smile.
He loved him.
Nino smiled at him from across the red.
“Do you like it?”
He smelt it before he saw it, a metallic edge in the air that stung his eyes and made his skin tingle.
It was all, completely, entirely red.
He was on their bed. Aiba was, that is.
On the bed where they slept, where they made love, where they breathed in each other as easily as air.
Sho’s mind was empty as he looked on.
Aiba’s eyes were glassy and his face was no longer smiling as it usually was, as Sho usually saw it. It didn’t sit right, Sho thought. His face without a smile. But then again, neither did the long tears across his throat and the raw, jagged holes in his chest.
The red continued to spill from his body. It was everywhere. Soaked into their bed, into the floor, into Nino.
He sat over the body. His hands shook with each breath but he had a smile carved into his face, one of those smiles that made Sho’s blood sing.
Neither of them spoke.
Sho just stared into Nino’s eyes. They were so dark.
He counted the stars behind his head, counted exactly to thirty-three before he begun to speak.
“Why?” the word was dry on Sho’s tongue.
“Why? You said you would love me, and only me,” Nino shouted, a sob wracking his body even as he smiled. “You lied! There was him!”
He spat out the words as he spoke. Sho hardly even flinched.
“Don’t you see?” he choked. He clambered over the body and walked to Sho, taking hesitant, trembling steps. “He was in the way. I did this for you.”
His eyes were wild, desperate for Sho to understand.
He was no longer smiling.
“I did this for us.”
Nino’s shallow breathes echoed around the room as he made his final plea.
“Don’t you love me?”
The air was thick as Sho breathed it in. His body was heavy and tired, heartbeat slow.
It was quiet, so quiet, and the sky was too bright.
He waited and watched as the stars exploded behind Nino’s head.
And then he smiled.
Nino had been wrong. Sho really did love him.
He loved him with everything he had, everything he always had and always will.
He took Nino’s hands in his.
He didn’t mind the red on them or how they stained his own skin because,
He loved him.
Only him.
Comments are much appreciated always!!
Hope you liked it!
Rating: R
Genre: Fluff (?), Psychological (?), Thriller (?), Angst (?), AU
Pairing: Sakumiya
Length: 3700+
Summary: Sho, more than once, entertained the thought that perhaps, if the occasion called for it, maybe he’d die for him. And Sho, more than once, shook his head at himself. It wasn’t a maybe or a perhaps. It was a definitely. But it didn’t take him long to realise something else. That he’d kill for him too. Simply because he loved him.
Warnings: Death, sort of brushed over non-explicit sex, mentions of blood....i don't want to spoil much just don't expect full-on fluff. It was inspired by Takashi Miike's 'Audition' (1999) if that's anything to go by...
Note to the reader and fic-receiver:
Hi! I was really conflicted over what to write and started writing down many different ideas but since I had never written anything of this genre before I decided to give it a go (by genre...it's sort of all really mushed together). It was kind of hard to write but I'm really quite pleased with the end result! Also I'm sorry if this is not what you meant by a happy ending, that's what it sounded like in my head when I was planning this out hahaha, so really sorry. But I really hope you enjoy it anyways!
Written for the Sakumiya Valentines Exchange, for neko_kirin3104!!
Why I'm finally posting it now, because time has not been kind to me lmao. This isn't new, written back earlier in the year for the exchange but since then I've made a couple edits, just grammar, wording, nothing major. Info no one needed to know, I was seriously struggling with this fic before the deadline and I would like to shout out my thanks to Zayn's 'Pillow Talk' for inspiring me to get through it. It just has that atmosphere, u know?
I'm sorry I have been totally dead. Since writing this fic, I fell into writer's block, started my first year of uni and have been dealing with a couple personal issues. I guess there's nothing pressing since the series I'm writing functions on just short one-shots instead of a chaptered plot but I promise!! I love that universe and more will definitely come!! I also have other fic ideas in my head that I have no idea how to write (lmao) and when i will be able to. But despite this several months long absence I will return! Hopefully sooner rather than later.
[What to expect from me? More sakumiya, maybe sakumoto *eye emoji*, and a gen focusing on the relationship between ohmiya!! I'm also thinking of opening another journal for my fics, or an ao3 maybe? I'll see.]
Sorry for the long spiel, I hope you enjoy the fic!!
And Then the Stars Exploded
He loved him.
Sho didn’t fancy himself as someone so simple as to indulge in concepts like ‘fate’ and 'love at first sight’. But from the second he saw him, he knew that his life would never be the same again.
He had been so sure of himself too, had stepped through life too carefully. Everything was in its in place. Orderly and disciplined, boundaries he had set for himself and rules that dictated every decision, every thought, every twitch of his arm. But all it took was one moment, one smile so sweet it was toxic, for everything to fall apart. But it was okay because,
He loved him.
His name was Ninomiya Kazunari. And he was beautiful.
Sho loved everything about him.
Everything that he could see.
Everything that he could hear.
Everything that he could kiss.
Everything that his heart could feel.
He loved all of him, without exception.
From the moles on his chin to the way he’d smother laughter into the crook of his elbow. From the tiny sneezes he chuffed out at night when the window was a crack open too wide to the petulant pout he’d put on whenever Sho marvelled at his small hands.
And then from the way he could smell Nino in his clothes to the way he could taste himself on his skin.
He loved all these things.
Even his flaws.
His impatience, his stubbornness, his lies.
His jealousy.
But Sho looked past all these things because,
He loved him.
Sho remembered the first time they had met.
More specifically he remembered the way his heart had collapsed in on itself as he glanced up at the man who sat before him. He had made note of the way laughter slipped out of the man’s mouth with a playful lilt and how he talked as if something was always amusing him. The quirk of his lips, the sweep of his hair, the edge in his eyes; everything about him was burned into his mind. It had only been mere seconds but he could already feel himself falling, and falling hard. They had talked for a long time, about anything, nothing and everything in between.
He had taken in everything Nino had told him, every insignificant detail. If you’d ask him now, he’d still remember them all.
Nino had just turned a year shy of thirty that month surprisingly. He didn’t look a day over twenty-five. He worked at a small bar down in Ginza called 'Small Rock’ where he apparently made a lot off tips. As a child he would leave a can of tuna out on his windowsill for the neighbourhood stray and when he’d gained a little more courage one night, he cracked the window open a little too, wide enough for it to slip in. Sho remembered Nino’s wry smile as he showed him the three scars that act of bravery had earned him. And when he has free time, Nino liked to go for a ride with all the windows down, driving out of Tokyo until the only lights he could see were the stars.
But more than anything Sho remembered the way his heart jumped at the warmth of Nino’s hand on his own.
Thinking about it afterwards, Sho let himself smile.
Though he did find it peculiar that he couldn’t recall anything else about the day they had met. Not the time he had first saw him nor what he had been wearing that day, not even the weather forecast that morning (but he did remember the way the sunlight touched golden soft upon Nino’s skin so it must have been sunny).
His mind had been completely consumed by the man across from him until he was all he could think about, and it still was.
But Sho didn’t care because he knew from that moment on that,
He loved him.
Sho, more than once, entertained the thought that perhaps, if the occasion called for it, maybe he’d die for him. And Sho, more than once, shook his head at himself. It wasn’t a maybe or a perhaps.
It was a definitely.
He would jump in front of a bullet for him, push him out of the way of an incoming train, maybe even give up an organ or two. He’d chuckled to himself quietly, almost a self-deprecating quality to his laughter as the scenarios played through his head. It was quite the romantic concept, dying for someone you loved.
But it didn’t take Sho long to realise something else. That he’d kill for him too. Simply because,
He loved him.
Nino smiled at him from across the red.
“Do you like it?”
Roses, ribbons, a handwritten note.
“I thought you said anniversaries were stupid.”
It was all, completely, entirely red.
“Tut-tut, that’s not answering my question.”
Sho let out a quiet laugh. Stepping around the table, he wrapped an arm around the smaller man’s waist and pressed a kiss into his hair. “I love it.”
Nino leaned into him, looking up into his eyes, and smiled. “I knew you would.”
There it was.
That smile. The smile that changed Sho’s entire world.
Just looking at it made him dizzy.
“Beautiful…”
“Me or the flowers?”
“You. You’re beautiful,” Sho clarified, nuzzling into his hair.
“And you, mister, are holding me way too tight,” Nino teased, squirming out of his grip. Rising up on his tiptoes, he left a chaste kiss on Sho’s lips. “Come on, let’s go. Or we’ll be late for our reservation.”
“Let me just put these fellas in some water first.”
“Sure. I’ll be waiting outside.”
Sho hummed his agreement.
He heard the door click behind him as he held a glass vase under the tap.
The roses were beautiful, a brilliant and absolute red. He held the bouquet up to the light of the sun that was just beginning to slip behind the horizon, setting the entire room on fire. It felt almost alive. The note was loose in his grip.
Yours, forever and always.
With a smile, he slipped it into his breast pocket.
But in the next moment Sho felt a sudden pang of pain, sharp and throbbing. Bright red began spilling from the flowers, creeping down his arm and dripping onto the floor. He had forgotten about the thorns. One had caught his skin and torn a deep cut through his flesh. It hurt, hurt a lot. But Sho just stared at it all.
It was strange.
He knew he should’ve cleaned it up, that he should’ve done something to stop the bleeding. But it was almost as if it he couldn’t look away. It was a moment of perfect clarity.
And then suddenly there were hands warm on his back.
“What happened to you?”
He hadn’t heard the door open.
“Huh?” Sho snapped back towards the present, towards the man pressing into his back with a worried look on his face. “Oh, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”
“That’s an awful lot of blood to not be worried about it.”
Nino took him towards the sink, and ran his arm under the tap. The blood curled dark tendrils into the water as they both watched it spiral down the drain. It didn’t hurt anymore.
Nino held up Sho’s hand, still wet, and pressed a kiss against his wound. His lips came away glistening, tinged with red. He spoke quietly. “You should be more careful,”
That was when Sho knew.
He knew that he’d never be able to leave him, no matter what happened. He’d follow him anywhere if he had too. He needed this too much, needed him. His smile, his voice, his everything.
It was like a drug and Sho was addicted.
It was dangerous, that desperate need for someone. But he didn’t mind because,
He loved him.
Colours. Colour everywhere.
The wind danced music into their hair and the sun left golden kisses on their skin.
Sho had never thought that in the middle of nowhere would be so beautiful.
Six hours, a straight drive out of Tokyo, following those vague instructions Sho found this place. It should be somewhere that takes your breath away, Nino had whispered into his ear the night before.
The younger man led him deeper into the field of flowers, fingers and heart entwined.
They lay among the colours, becoming a part of it. They didn’t talk, didn’t feel the need to. But despite everything around them, the wonder of it all, Sho’s eyes stayed on Nino.
A smile quirked his lips, and a wistfulness misted his eyes, soft and delicate like a flower. Sho never thought he looked more beautiful than in that moment.
He leaned forward.
When their lips touched, both their eyes fluttered closed.
But they could still see everything. The colours burst behind their eyelids and touches shy on their skin exploded like sparks of electricity. He wanted to put everything, everything he felt into it so that even without words Nino would know that,
He loved him.
“Is that your little brother?”
“Yeah, his name is Shuu.”
“He looks just like you.”
“Does he? People are always saying that. You’ll probably meet him one of these days.”
Nino didn’t reply.
It was an idle afternoon. The two of them lay tangled up in each other on the floor, feet pressed together and noses upturned in an attempt to get used to the new rug smell. Photo albums, creased at their spines, were splayed out before them. They just needed something to do.
But there was something in Nino’s eyes, something that Sho couldn’t quite make out but was indubitably there. It was something that made the air around them heavy, something that made the edges of his vision flicker with unease.
It was cold.
Almost 6pm, the sun had already begun to set.
The shadows in the room grew.
“Say,” Sho began. “Why haven’t I met any of your friends yet? Or your family?”
He had to wait a few seconds before Nino replied.
“There’s no one except you, no one else that matters. I only love you.”
Nino turned to fix Sho with a stare. There was a vulnerability to his eyes that made Sho’s breath catch in his throat. A rawness such as that that Sho had to remind himself to keep breathing.
“Don’t you love me?” Nino’s voice quivered as he spoke.
Smiling, Sho ghosted a kiss on his lips, in his hair, across his skin, to say that he understood.
But he didn’t really.
But what he did know was that,
He loved him.
Vivid colours exploded above their heads, painting the night sky.
The two of them lay on the slope of their roof watching, the fireworks reflected in the light of their eyes.
Nino’s hand found Sho’s, lacing their fingers together. His thumb moved over Sho’s scar in slow, comforting strokes.
“I love you,” his voice was soft.
“I love you too,” Sho replied, giving his hand a squeeze.
Nino waited until the fireworks were over and only smoke was left lingering in the sky before he continued.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Everything.”
Sho’s heart beat faster against his ribcage, nerves tingling as he felt Nino’s eyes on him. He shifted his head to meet them. They were both smiling.
And Sho was happy.
He had never loved anyone as much as,
He loved him.
Sho remembered their first night together.
Bare bodies moving in the darkness.
Starlight glancing off skin.
Gasps of someone’s name, probably his, and shallow breaths pushed through trembling lips.
It all felt so good. Nino felt so good.
Sho lost himself in the pleasure.
It was a sort of pleasure that he wouldn’t have been able to describe, only feel.
It was a yearning that took over his head like smoke, a need that flooded his senses and a thrill that set his nerves alight so that the only thing he could think about was the man beneath him and how much he needed this right in that moment. Nothing else mattered, nobody else but them.
And with static that sparked white-hot through his veins, it all exploded.
In that moment he remembered as fingers dug deeper into his back, pulling him closer, tighter, and a voice, barely a breath, in his ear.
“You’re mine.”
Sho woke up the next morning to find his bed empty.
When he couldn’t reach him through his cell, he decided to find a number for the small bar where Nino worked.
They told him no one by that name had ever worked there before.
Sho knew something was off.
But he said nothing when Nino came home that afternoon, couldn’t say anything when Nino kissed him the way he did and curled his fingers in his hair.
It was okay like this, Sho reasoned. He didn’t have to know. All he needed to know was that,
He loved him.
The air was alive with static. Heavy, it bore down on Sho’s shoulders until he felt like he was suffocating.
He stood silently looking out his window. He didn’t like days like this.
The sky was thick with clouds wherever the eye could see, dark and foreboding, promising a storm to come. But somewhere, the sun shone. Bright, it lit up the entire city, stark against the darkening skies. Sho couldn’t help but feel uneasy. It didn’t feel as if it belonged, almost as if God himself was turning a torch on the world like a child would do a third-grade classroom diorama.
It felt fake.
“Are you okay?”
He felt cold hands on his back. It was Nino.
“I’m fine.”
He let the body behind him pull him back to bed. It was a touch that should’ve been familiar but wasn’t. And for a moment, he had to remind himself that,
He loved him.
Slammed doors. Strained shouts. Sho just hoped the neighbours couldn’t hear.
It had been nothing.
It had just been out late for drinks with Aiba, a workmate and a close friend. Something he used to do often that he hadn’t really gotten around to lately.
Sho turned the word over in his head.
Lately.
That meant not since he met Nino.
He didn’t understand why he had been so angry, so jealous. He should’ve trusted Sho and known that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt him.
But his eyes.
He had never seen them so cold and dark.
At least, Sho thought, he was still allowed to sleep in their bed. But Nino didn’t let him touch him that night.
“I’m sorry.”
He said it softly, but the weight of it all still hung in the air. He wasn’t sure whether Nino was still awake. But he hoped he felt it and knew that,
He loved him.
“Do you love me?”
Sho’s voice was soft. The night was still and quiet, but brimming with restlessness. From where they lay, Sho could see the stars. He counted them as he waited for an answer.
“Of course,” came Nino’s voice, a hushed breath against Sho’s chest. “More than anything.”
Thirty-three.
Sho wondered how many stars it would’ve taken him to say the same, to say to Nino that,
He loved him.
It was because he insisted on cooking that day. He should have been the one to answer the door. If he could have dealt with burnt omelettes for one more day, then maybe it wouldn’t have all come so quickly to a stop.
“Oh, hello. You are?” Sho could hear the confusion in Nino’s voice from the kitchen.
His heart dropped when he heard the familiar chattering of his friend.
“Aiba Masaki! Nice to meet you,” the man chirped. “Is Sho-chan home?”
Sho could hear the change in Nino’s voice right away. He’d been with him too long not to.
“Sho-chan?” Nino reply came, a cold edge to it. “He’s…out.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. He left this at work, could you give it to him for me?”
Nino must’ve nodded.
“Thanks! You must be Ninomiya-san, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“Likewise.”
The next thing Sho heard was the door closing shut, a little too hard on the frame, heavy steps across the dining room floor before finally the slam of their bedroom door. After a few moments, he stepped out into the quiet of the lounge to set the table, eyeing the scarf he had left at work that day lying crumpled on the ground.
He didn’t call Nino out for dinner. He knew that he shouldn’t disturb him when he got like this.
So instead he sat. He ate. He waited.
But Nino still didn’t come out.
Sho stared down at his half-eaten, cold dinner as his chest twisted and turned and clawed at itself because even then,
He loved him.
Nino would leave for long whiles in the morning, evenings and in between. Sho was used to it but that didn’t make it hurt any less.
It was cold without him. Empty.
But sometimes an empty home was better than when he was there. The coldness of his eyes cut Sho so much deeper, made him bleed and want to beg for forgiveness, anything just to make it better.
He lay in the middle of their bed.
Lifted a hand to the ceiling.
He closed his eyes.
He thought back to the colours.
Somewhere out there.
A better place, a better time.
But when he opened his eyes, he wasn’t there. He was still here, caught in the present. Heart barely beating just because,
He loved him.
6:00pm. Every weekday. He made sure to get home on time.
He had hardly seen Aiba for the past few months, ignoring him at work and trying to pretend that he wasn’t there. He had hardly seen anyone really. But he still answered phone calls, text messages asking how he was doing and whether he was ok.
That had been a mistake.
One morning he awoke to find his bed cold and empty. At that point, it was expected.
He realised almost immediately that his phone was not where he had left it. And it took him no longer than that to realise that someone had been going through his messages. The messages that he had received and those that he had been sending to his family, to Aiba, the other people that mattered.
Sho threw his phone across the room.
He began to wonder, to truly question whether,
He loved him.
It hurt. Everything did. An all-consuming, confusing hurt and Sho didn't know if he could keep his head above water any longer.
He left the window open so he could feel the wind.
He imagined Nino’s hands on his back.
His lips.
He imagined a breath brushing his ear telling him, “You’re mine.”
And then he surrendered himself.
He let everything go because,
He loved him.
When Aiba wasn’t at work, Sho knew.
He knew deep inside, deeper than his bones, deeper than the throbbing of his heart. He just knew.
The sky, it was so red.
He dragged his feet home that day, enjoying the burn of the sun’s last heat on his back. The air was still and thick with electricity. He could barely move through it, could barely breathe. His chest felt tight and each inhale was harder than the one before it.
But despite that he smiled.
The cold started at his fingertips as the night first begun to seep into the sky and by the time he reached their door, he could hardly feel anything. But as he looked up, he swore he had never seen a more beautiful sight. The sky, it was so bright.
Sho looked at his watch.
8:06pm. He was late. He hoped Nino wouldn’t be mad.
He took a deep breath.
His hand lingered on the doorknob.
3.
2.
1.
He turned it.
And then the night split open.
And the stars fell down on him.
And all he could do was smile.
He loved him.
Nino smiled at him from across the red.
“Do you like it?”
He smelt it before he saw it, a metallic edge in the air that stung his eyes and made his skin tingle.
It was all, completely, entirely red.
He was on their bed. Aiba was, that is.
On the bed where they slept, where they made love, where they breathed in each other as easily as air.
Sho’s mind was empty as he looked on.
Aiba’s eyes were glassy and his face was no longer smiling as it usually was, as Sho usually saw it. It didn’t sit right, Sho thought. His face without a smile. But then again, neither did the long tears across his throat and the raw, jagged holes in his chest.
The red continued to spill from his body. It was everywhere. Soaked into their bed, into the floor, into Nino.
He sat over the body. His hands shook with each breath but he had a smile carved into his face, one of those smiles that made Sho’s blood sing.
Neither of them spoke.
Sho just stared into Nino’s eyes. They were so dark.
He counted the stars behind his head, counted exactly to thirty-three before he begun to speak.
“Why?” the word was dry on Sho’s tongue.
“Why? You said you would love me, and only me,” Nino shouted, a sob wracking his body even as he smiled. “You lied! There was him!”
He spat out the words as he spoke. Sho hardly even flinched.
“Don’t you see?” he choked. He clambered over the body and walked to Sho, taking hesitant, trembling steps. “He was in the way. I did this for you.”
His eyes were wild, desperate for Sho to understand.
He was no longer smiling.
“I did this for us.”
Nino’s shallow breathes echoed around the room as he made his final plea.
“Don’t you love me?”
The air was thick as Sho breathed it in. His body was heavy and tired, heartbeat slow.
It was quiet, so quiet, and the sky was too bright.
He waited and watched as the stars exploded behind Nino’s head.
And then he smiled.
Nino had been wrong. Sho really did love him.
He loved him with everything he had, everything he always had and always will.
He took Nino’s hands in his.
He didn’t mind the red on them or how they stained his own skin because,
He loved him.
Only him.
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