a sunday smile (putting the pieces together one by one)
It's been awhile since I wrote something around here. It just happens that I don't really write that much to handle my feelings and frustrations anymore - things have changed. And they say all change is good in the end.
My depression went "official" at the end of february last year, and I started seeing a therapist (I just realized it consists of "the" and "rapist"...) and went away from work for a short while. Therapy was a good start, combined with my beloved Emma's new take on life and our club runs. New people...I don't know. Being in my no fit state for social life, I have found many new friends this past year. Many many.
I have fallen in love twice as well. I am starting to hold on to my feelings now, but it's easier said than done - when it happens it happens. And somehow I am not that frightened by the fact that it's so easy for me. What frightens me is that very few others seem to have this ability. On the other hand, I have started to realize that I am not an open book. I raise defensive fuckin structures wherever I go, and people are lucky to get through these defenses. They easiest trick so far is getting the guards drunk. Yes, we drink more now. Not a lot, but more.
It's been a tough, but all in all good, year. The dad situation is as it is, mom's cancer has gotten better, it might even be gone for now. It is starting to dawn upon me, I hope it does soon. I want more things to be happy about.
I have started studying again. Literature. Interesting, impossible to keep up when you work full time, but somehow I have passed at least one exam with flying colours. I hope I can keep this up, cause if I do, I might not be that worthless after all. Interesting thought there...I am finding some basic values considering my own self. It's been awhile since I did that.
When I fell for Helena, I started painting. Well, actually it was Six Feet Under and Helena that inspired me. I have done nine or ten paintings in total since august, and I have handed these little blurs of my mind to people I like. I guess you can call it pop art. Lots of it is close to reproduction, other things are straight from my mind. Or a combination. Some people like it. Sometimes I like it as well.
Girls are an issue - I don't think I'll ever understand them. Yet again, I hardly understand myself. But, something is changing. I am still stiff, shy and feel quite ugly in the precense of the ladies. But it's not legio - on rare occasions I look in the mirror and I actually like my face. Of course, that is nothing I can confess easily, it's in my blood that I must be ugly, fat and uncharming. Frankly, I don't know what I am anymore. But I do know I am crossing that scary line now and then - dancing a lot, doing lots of karaoke with my friends - hell, I even "performed" in front of 430 Slutoptics' employees in January this year. I was a drunken ass wigger, of course. But it doesn't haunt me. Much. And sometimes, when I get off stage at Kelly's...I actually see a few smiles that aren't of mischief.
My DJ set is growing, albeit slowly. My music collection is going through the roof (of my iPod at least) and so is my knowledge of old and new music. I have done my first "performance" at a party in Stockholm, and had home parties as well. I am slowly starting to learn how to mix. Sadly, I don't spend as much time as I should on learning detail. Well, I hope I can afford a laptop soon. It would be fun to play at Em's party in April (she has a GREAT new flat!)and I am starting to learn how to handle DJ programs.
Some days are good. Others are bad.
Tomorrow, they are operating on my mom's back. Sawing away spinal parts that cause her much pain, nerve clusters that are being pinched etc. Should be ok, they are the fucking experts. But it has caused me some distress and angst these last few weeks. I am scared, of course.
Oh yes, I am closer to my parents. I love them, no matter what. I know they, as most people, never meant to hurt me in any way. I hope I can keep them for many years to come, now that I am finding out who they are. And who I am.
My heart bleeds for my lonely friends as well. We are strange beings, it just seems as if most of them are a bit better at handling the bad parts than I am. I slowly realize I might not be able to find love again, looking at all others, and my latest adventures. Speaking to a certain girl a couple of nights ago, I just felt sad for her. I have never questioned love, only wondered about it. But there are people who can't say they ever have loved.
And that, my dear dear friends, makes me want to weep. Yet I don't. But I do intend to make that girl feel loved, as a friend if nothing else.
I keep falling, of course. As I always do. I just don't fall that hard anymore. I am slowing down. And I rise. I always rise again.
My latest interest is someone I can't grasp. I don't get her. And I don't think I have the guts to try either. The tragedy seems to be that I am surrounded by wonderful girls, and all we ever end up as are friends, or something close to that.
I wonder how hard it must be for them to see what I bring with me. It's not always my Greek tragedy of a life - there is love. Limitless. It might change focus, but when I feel I feel. I go all in, as they say. Or I hope I do. I hope I can do that again, if someone is ever willing to give me a shot.
I am so scared I won't be able to when that someone finally emerges from the shadows.
"I feel so far away from love
cause I can never get enough
like the kid with his hand in the highest jar..."
My depression went "official" at the end of february last year, and I started seeing a therapist (I just realized it consists of "the" and "rapist"...) and went away from work for a short while. Therapy was a good start, combined with my beloved Emma's new take on life and our club runs. New people...I don't know. Being in my no fit state for social life, I have found many new friends this past year. Many many.
I have fallen in love twice as well. I am starting to hold on to my feelings now, but it's easier said than done - when it happens it happens. And somehow I am not that frightened by the fact that it's so easy for me. What frightens me is that very few others seem to have this ability. On the other hand, I have started to realize that I am not an open book. I raise defensive fuckin structures wherever I go, and people are lucky to get through these defenses. They easiest trick so far is getting the guards drunk. Yes, we drink more now. Not a lot, but more.
It's been a tough, but all in all good, year. The dad situation is as it is, mom's cancer has gotten better, it might even be gone for now. It is starting to dawn upon me, I hope it does soon. I want more things to be happy about.
I have started studying again. Literature. Interesting, impossible to keep up when you work full time, but somehow I have passed at least one exam with flying colours. I hope I can keep this up, cause if I do, I might not be that worthless after all. Interesting thought there...I am finding some basic values considering my own self. It's been awhile since I did that.
When I fell for Helena, I started painting. Well, actually it was Six Feet Under and Helena that inspired me. I have done nine or ten paintings in total since august, and I have handed these little blurs of my mind to people I like. I guess you can call it pop art. Lots of it is close to reproduction, other things are straight from my mind. Or a combination. Some people like it. Sometimes I like it as well.
Girls are an issue - I don't think I'll ever understand them. Yet again, I hardly understand myself. But, something is changing. I am still stiff, shy and feel quite ugly in the precense of the ladies. But it's not legio - on rare occasions I look in the mirror and I actually like my face. Of course, that is nothing I can confess easily, it's in my blood that I must be ugly, fat and uncharming. Frankly, I don't know what I am anymore. But I do know I am crossing that scary line now and then - dancing a lot, doing lots of karaoke with my friends - hell, I even "performed" in front of 430 Slutoptics' employees in January this year. I was a drunken ass wigger, of course. But it doesn't haunt me. Much. And sometimes, when I get off stage at Kelly's...I actually see a few smiles that aren't of mischief.
My DJ set is growing, albeit slowly. My music collection is going through the roof (of my iPod at least) and so is my knowledge of old and new music. I have done my first "performance" at a party in Stockholm, and had home parties as well. I am slowly starting to learn how to mix. Sadly, I don't spend as much time as I should on learning detail. Well, I hope I can afford a laptop soon. It would be fun to play at Em's party in April (she has a GREAT new flat!)and I am starting to learn how to handle DJ programs.
Some days are good. Others are bad.
Tomorrow, they are operating on my mom's back. Sawing away spinal parts that cause her much pain, nerve clusters that are being pinched etc. Should be ok, they are the fucking experts. But it has caused me some distress and angst these last few weeks. I am scared, of course.
Oh yes, I am closer to my parents. I love them, no matter what. I know they, as most people, never meant to hurt me in any way. I hope I can keep them for many years to come, now that I am finding out who they are. And who I am.
My heart bleeds for my lonely friends as well. We are strange beings, it just seems as if most of them are a bit better at handling the bad parts than I am. I slowly realize I might not be able to find love again, looking at all others, and my latest adventures. Speaking to a certain girl a couple of nights ago, I just felt sad for her. I have never questioned love, only wondered about it. But there are people who can't say they ever have loved.
And that, my dear dear friends, makes me want to weep. Yet I don't. But I do intend to make that girl feel loved, as a friend if nothing else.
I keep falling, of course. As I always do. I just don't fall that hard anymore. I am slowing down. And I rise. I always rise again.
My latest interest is someone I can't grasp. I don't get her. And I don't think I have the guts to try either. The tragedy seems to be that I am surrounded by wonderful girls, and all we ever end up as are friends, or something close to that.
I wonder how hard it must be for them to see what I bring with me. It's not always my Greek tragedy of a life - there is love. Limitless. It might change focus, but when I feel I feel. I go all in, as they say. Or I hope I do. I hope I can do that again, if someone is ever willing to give me a shot.
I am so scared I won't be able to when that someone finally emerges from the shadows.
"I feel so far away from love
cause I can never get enough
like the kid with his hand in the highest jar..."