Ringing in the New Year with some silliness!
In Memory of Bernard Fox
Inspired by “Shakespeare Writes ‘The Crittendon Plan’” by OboeCrazy
With apologies to the Bard and to Bill Davenport
SHAKESPEARE WRITES
“CRITTENDON’S COMMANDOS”
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Col. Robert Hogan, United States Army Air Force, commander of Hogan’s Heroes
Sgt. James “Kinch” Kinchloe, United States Army Air Force -\
Sgt. Andrew Carter, United States Army Air Force - - - - - - | Hogan’s
Cpl. Peter Newkirk, Royal Air Force - - - - - - - - - - - - - - | Heroes
Cpl. Louis LeBeau, Armee l’Air - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -/
Sgt. Baker, United States Army Air Force, another radio man
Col. Wilhelm Klink, Luftwaffe, commandant of Stalag Luft XIII
Sgt. Hans Schultz, Luftwaffe, sergeant of the guard
Col. Rodney Crittendon, Royal Air Force, commander of Crittendon’s Commandos
Tobin, British Commandos
Digby, British Commandos
Four other commandos
Guards outside the hospital
Sundry doctors, patients, and nurses at the hospital
Other prisoners of war
PROLOGUE
Upon the global stage in combat fierce,
Two mighty bands of nations do contest
The right of tyrants boldly to impose
Their evil will on those of lesser strength,
On neighbour hapless or on scapegoat poor.
Thus trammelled in the thirteenth prison camp
For soldiers of the air that captured be
In Germany, where Adolf Hitler’s rule
Unto the German people proves the bane,
Beneath the nose of Col. Wilhelm Klink,
Commander of the camp in name alone;
Assisted now and then by Sgt. Schultz,
Who’d liefer nothing know and nothing see
Than risk his life on Russia’s icy bourn,
A hardy band of men assembled stands:
To HOGAN’S HEROES kindly lend your hands.
See first the gallant Hogan, colonel bold,
Who leads his men in merry escapades
To aid their comrades Germany to ’scape
And sabotage their enemies so well
That any scheme they counter’s sure to fail.
Next Kinchloe, Moorish sergeant, far the best
At radios and wiretaps; what’s more,
An athlete peerless, and his wits
So keen as to perceive in the designs
Of Hogan all immediate fatal flaws.
Young Carter, sergeant also, seeming mild,
Yet alchemist of such outstanding skill
Explosives can he make and place at will.
These three the New World’s portion here present.
Now Newkirk doth St. George’s Cross uphold,
A corporal and a thief, but as needs must,
For spying all his talent gladly bends
To save his best-loved England from rapine.
Last, smallest, yet in courage not the least,
LeBeau with tricolore upon his breast,
For France doth sing and dance and cook and spy.
Now gathered is our heroes’ company.
Attend the tale, ye gentles; ye shall hear
Anon of a most comical attempt
Exchange of martial leaders, wounded sore,
To force ’twixt Germany and England, and
Though failing, yet the end and aim achieve
Our Hogan and his Heroes through mischief.
ACT I
Scene 1: In the subterranean radio room, early one morning. Baker minds the radio, but as all is quiet, he attempts to learn to knit. Enter Kinch stage left from the ladder leading up to Barracks 2.
KINCH
How now, young Baker? What’s the news, my friend?
BAKER
Dead quiet, Kinch. My mind is occupied
With but the tangled web one weaves in wool
With “knit, knit, purl”-or is it “purl, purl, knit”?
I fear I’ve much to practice ere my hands
A decent woollen waistcoat can achieve
To keep this German winter from my chest.
He displays his messy handiwork. Kinch laughs, but not unkindly.
KINCH
Give o’er the work, then, ’til the morning light.
This tunnel’s not the place for worsted ware,
So dark and damp it is, and there’s no fear
That Klink in knitting secrets might discern.
And Carter knits; perchance to-morrow he
And thou in conference close might ascertain
What hinders thine attempt at waistcoating.
My watch comes hardly on; give me thy place,
And rest thee well ’til Reveille doth come.
BAKER
For this relief, much thanks. Give thee good morn.
Just as Baker stands to leave, the radio begins to beep.
KINCH
’Tis London. Ere to rest thou goest, friend,
Tell Col. Hogan word doth come for him.
BAKER
The others, too?
KINCH
Aye, marry, an thou wilt.
BAKER
I shall. My thanks again. Give thee good morn.
KINCH
And thee.
Exit Baker stage left, up the ladder. Kinch sits down at the radio and picks up the headphones.
KINCH
Now, London, what’s the news from you?
He taps the “Go ahead” on the telegraph key, listens, and begins to write. Meanwhile, enter Hogan, Carter, Newkirk, and LeBeau stage left, filing down the ladder; Baker follows but passes behind them to a different ladder leading to his own barracks. Hogan goes to read over Kinch’s shoulder; the other men range themselves in front of the radio desk to wait for instructions.
HOGAN
What have we here, then? “Six commandos bold
Shall e’en this night at Sector A11
Be dropped by parachute. Go ye tonight
And bring these men unto Stalag XIII.”
CARTER
Sounds easy thus far.
LEBEAU
Insulting, rather say!
Thus of a sudden must we imitate
The actions of a lowly hansom cab!
CARTER
At least our colour yellow cannot be.
-“A cab belike, but not a yellow one!”
That have I simply said, and wordplay none
Had I intended, yet a pun it was!
Haha, how funny!
HOGAN
’Twasn’t, Carter. Peace.
Hold, hold-there’s more. These men we aid tonight,
Their mission is to capture and return
To England with… what, Rommel?! Surely not!
NEWKIRK
Rommel?!
LEBEAU
Field Marshal Erwin Rommel?
NEWKIRK
The Desert Fox?
LEBEAU
The Terror of Tobruk?
CARTER
The Galloping Ghost?
KINCH
That was Red Grange.
HOGAN
“By strafing fighter Rommel wounded was.
Near Hammelburg in privy hospital
He now rests to recover of his wounds.”
LEBEAU
Our British friends have quite the job in hand.
KINCH
And so do we. SS platoons the woods
With martial stride do compass and patrol.
How shall we six commandos hale
Past them unto our tunnels’ shelter here?
HOGAN
Let’s search out A11 on our map.
They adjourn to the map table; Hogan measures the distances.
HOGAN
From Hammelburg two miles lies that point,
And twelve from this our happy home-from-home.
NEWKIRK
Aye, so it is, and great the space between,
Where SS men could lay their ambuscade.
As soon as British aeroplane they hear,
Alert they’ll be, and greatest danger pose.
KINCH
Good chance there also is that German eyes
The parachutes will spy and sound alarm.
NEWKIRK
And then the race shall be who picks up whom.
LEBEAU
Now hansom cab I wish we were indeed,
With horses swifter than the winter wind.
CARTER
But never yellow should its colour be.-
“Oh, Carter, hold thy peace.” I know; I shall.
HOGAN
’Tis clear that all roads hence shall be at once
Blockaded by the SS, but perchance
As German guards we could their net escape
And with our British “prisoners” return.
KINCH
Ah, sir, I hear your message loud and clear.
To London shall I send forthwith request
That these commandos shall in uniform
Be dropped to us.
HOGAN
Exactly so, and add
That we in German uniform shall come
And with the cricket toy shall each make known
To other force its own identity.
KINCH
Sir, I shall see it done immediately.
He returns to the radio.
LEBEAU
Now lack we but the truck to journey thence.
HOGAN
Ye, Carter, Newkirk, check the motor pool.
See whether any trucks be for repair
And for our easy use awaiting.
NEWKIRK
Aye,
With good will shall we, sir; but I doubt not
One shall be there.
CARTER
Indeed-the first we see!
NEWKIRK
So long as coat of yellow it bears not.
CARTER
Just so.
NEWKIRK
Go on, go on, upstairs with thee.
They exit stage right up a different ladder while LeBeau and Hogan remain at the map table.
Scene 2: In the motor pool, Hogan’s men feign work on a truck.
HOGAN
All right, all right! Work faster there, ye four!
Our genial landlord wants this truck we mend
In working order by this afternoon.
We shall not disappoint our Col. Klink,
Is that not so?
Carter rolls out from under the truck.
CARTER
No, sir, that shall we not!
Our commandant we seek always to please!
And if he wants this truck repaired today,
Why, we shall have it finished by-
HOGAN (quietly)
Peace, peace.
I give the orders here, Carter, recall.
Just see that ye obey them not. I want
This truck out of commission ’til tonight.
CARTER
Aye, sir.
Carter rolls back under the truck, accidentally shoving LeBeau out the other side.
LEBEAU
Hey, what’s the big idea? Wilt thou fain
The fool play here with me? Here’s one for thee!
He shoves Carter back just as Klink and Schultz enter stage left. Carter accidentally rams straight into Klink’s ankle.
KLINK
Oh, oh, my ankle! Oh!
CARTER
Good morning, sir.
KLINK
Oh, fie on’t, oh! So, Hogan, is this how
Your men repair my truck?
HOGAN
Sir, as they say,
“All work and no play doth a dull boy make.”
KLINK
In prison camp, a dull boy’s what we like.
SCHULTZ
Haha! Very good, Herr Kommandant! I’m glad to see you in such an excellent humour.
KLINK
Silence, Schultz! I’m not in excellent humour.
SCHULTZ
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant; you’re in excellent humour to be in such a nasty humour.
HOGAN
Herr Kommandant, I know you’re here because
You’re anxious to find out how long ’twill be
Before this truck is back in good repair,
And I can well assure you, sir-
KLINK
Enough!
This truck is meant to fetch supplies this morn.
Why is it here instead to be repaired?
Answer me that!
HOGAN
Why needs this truck repair?
Well, Newkirk is our engineer; let’s ask.
Newkirk, without too technical a tale,
Please tell our commandant the reason why
This truck needs our repair.
NEWKIRK
’Tis broken, sir.
KLINK
Oh, fie!
HOGAN
Thank you.
NEWKIRK
You’re very welcome, sir.
HOGAN
A plainer answer could you not desire,
Nor get indeed, sir.
KLINK
Hogan, mark: this truck
Was yet in good repair as of last night.
HOGAN
In good repair? It could not thus have been,
Or else it would not be so broken-down
As here you see it now, Herr Kommandant.
KLINK
How broken-down in fact it is I fain
Would see. Step back. I’ll try it now.
HOGAN
Wait, sir!
Inasmuch as we do not yet know
How bad the damage is, ’twould be unwise.
To start the engine might prove dangerous.
KLINK
Out of my way! I doubt this tale; indeed,
No fault at all in this truck do I see.
You and your men but use this weak excuse
To loaf and do no work. Step back, I say!
Schultz, get into that truck and start it now.
SCHULTZ
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
He starts toward the truck but pauses.
SCHULTZ
What kind of danger do you think there might be, Col. Hogan?
HOGAN
Explosion, fire. Who knows? We have not had
The time to find the fault.
KLINK
Hogan, enough!
Naught ill shall happen, Schultz. Start it at once,
And that’s an order! Hogan, no word more!
HOGAN
Men! To me!
The Heroes leave the truck and stand behind Hogan, well away from any danger.
SCHULTZ
Wait, Herr Kommandant! I think my driver’s licence has expired!
KLINK
Schultz, stop being a coward! Nothing is going to happen! Start the engine; that’s an order!
But he edges behind Hogan himself. The Heroes brace for an explosion.
SCHULTZ (nervously)
Jawohl.
Sure enough, Schultz starts the engine, and it explodes with enough force to throw Schultz, the seat, and the steering wheel to the ground. The Heroes help him up. Exeunt.
Scene 3: That night, in the woods. The repaired truck enters stage left and stops. Newkirk gets out and comes to the back, where Hogan and the other men are studying a map. All five are in German uniform.
HOGAN
All right, our rendezvous point is at hand.
The men we are to meet should all be nigh,
Within the half-mile radius we see here.
Take thou the northeast sector, noble Kinch.
Hast thou thy cricket?
KINCH
Aye, sir; here it is.
He clicks the cricket once.
HOGAN
And what’s their signal, Newkirk?
NEWKIRK
E’en thus,
Four chirps at intervals ten seconds long,
And my reply must be two chirps, no more.
HOGAN
Then let’s to work. In forty minutes, meet
We here again, have we success or no.
They dismount and spread out, following a clicking sound that eventually leads them back to centre stage, where Carter stands, cracking his knuckles.
HOGAN
Heard we all the same signal, each alike?
LEBEAU
Yet no commandos are there to be seen.
I could have sworn it came from this point here.
CARTER
Here have I stood the while; no friend’s arrived.
HOGAN
Then let us take no chances. To the truck,
Move quick and quiet, all, lest we be found.
They all start to move off again, but Carter cracks his knuckles once more, making the clicking sound. The others pause and turn back to him with reproachful looks.
CARTER
’Tis an old habit of mine. Oft will I crack
My knuckles when I’m anxious.
NEWKIRK
So do I.
My knuckles would I fain in thy big mouth
Crack now, thou fool!
CARTER
What did I do?!
HOGAN
Naught, naught.
But next time nerves would make thy knuckles crack,
Bite thou thy nails instead and keep thy peace.
Now let us go before the SS comes.
Suddenly Hogan is grabbed about the neck by someone who puts a pistol to his head.
CRITTENDON
Stand, ho! I warn ye, make no sudden move!
Your leader have I here at weapon-point,
And shall not fail to slay if need doth press!
HOGAN
Good grief. Good evening, Col. Crittendon.
CRITTENDON
What, what? Art Hogan? Aye, ’tis Hogan, men!
This ghastly German garb doth allies hide!
Rest easy while our friends I gladly greet!
His men give no reply.
HOGAN
Soft, soft, good Colonel. The SS is nigh.
Let us unto our truck repair, and fast.
CRITTENDON
My men are winded, Hogan, but fear not;
We shall the Jerries spy ere they spot us.
Who stands the watch here, Tobin?
He turns to Tobin and Digby, who are leaning against each other with their eyes closed. Tobin has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.
TOBIN
An ye please,
’Tis me and Digby, sir.
Crittendon turns back to Hogan proudly.
CRITTENDON
That’s what I like
About young Tobin-takes the worst
And hardest jobs himself. He’s a good lad.
HOGAN
Those two are on watch?
CRITTENDON
Well, so to speak.
When nothing’s there to see, there’s naught to watch!
But Tobin here’s a prize, old man; he’ll spot
The enemy far off, has Airedale’s ears.
He hears much we do not.
HOGAN
And I believe
He sees what we do not as well.
CRITTENDON
What, where?
Oho, that’s good! I had forgot thy wit,
So sharp, a marvellous quality. Thou couldst
Look death square in the face and laugh, eh what?
HOGAN
No, Colonel, I could not. Now let us go.
You said your men are tired. To the truck
Then let us hie and so to camp at once.
CRITTENDON
I have a much safer idea. Take
Thou thine own men to camp in this thy truck.
My men and I shall follow soon on foot.
HOGAN
On foot? ’Tis ten miles hence!
CRITTENDON
But for my lads
A pleasant Sunday stroll! See thou, an we
Should ride along with you, would that not be
To put all eggs into one basket, what?
HOGAN
No, I call the plan most practical. You said
Your men are winded.
CRITTENDON
Aye, and so they were.
But give them but a scant few minutes more,
And straining at the traces shall they be!
Right, lads?
The commandos growl half-hearted agreement.
CRITTENDON
Gad, they’re a doughty bunch.
Right, Hogan, take your men at once and go.
We’ll meet you back in old Stalag XIII.
HOGAN
Look, Colonel, I cannot-
CRITTENDON
An order, man.
Hast thou forgot my rank? For I have far
More time in grade than thou; command is mine.
HOGAN
We’ll none of us forget it, sir. Let’s go.
Exeunt via opposite sides of the stage: the Heroes in the truck stage left; the commandos dragging along on foot after Crittendon stage right.
Scene 4: In the tunnel, Hogan uses the periscope to look for any sign of Crittendon and his men. The other Heroes wait close by.
LEBEAU
And still no sign of them, mon colonel?
HOGAN
No, looking proveth futile. Why try now?
I should have known the whole design was doomed
When Crittendon spoke out against me with,
“I’ve an idea.”
KINCH
Unto my ear, too,
Those words disaster meant.
CARTER
Those men of his
Must from their wits be parted, so to go
With Crittendon upon a ten-mile march.
NEWKIRK
Their wits must be at home, or else
They’d never follow him upon the plane
To undertake this mission from the start.
KINCH
What think you, Colonel? Ought I message send
To London to inform them of this pass?
A tapping noise is heard as Hogan checks his watch.
HOGAN
Let’s wait ten minutes more. Oh, Carter, cease
Thy knuckles so to crack!
CARTER
I’m sorry, sir.
-Wait, how am I to crack my knuckles thus,
With both hands in my pockets?
HOGAN
Wait, wait, hark.
I hear a tapping somewhere close at hand.
CARTER
Why, aye, indeed, it is a tapping.
It’s as if someone were rapping,
Gently rapping on my….
LEBEAU
Oh, Carter, peace! We need here now no Poe!
CARTER
Then I shall quote him nevermore.
HOGAN
LeBeau, check thou once more what stands outside.
Above, Crittendon is tapping on the glass of the periscope as LeBeau moves it up, down, and all around.
CRITTENDON
Oh, Hogan! Hogan, help! Do let me in!
Why, blast it, if this thing will not hold still,
Nor take my voice to Hogan to alert
That I without am hiding, I must act!
Heave ho!
HOGAN
Seest thou aught yet?
LEBEAU
No, nothing-HELP!
He is pulled off his feet as Crittendon pulls up on the periscope. Kinch helps him down while Newkirk and Carter rush to the tunnel’s emergency entrance to let Crittendon in. Exeunt stage left toward the ladder into Barracks 2.
ACT II
Scene 1: Inside Barracks 2, Hogan, Carter, Newkirk, LeBeau and Crittendon enter stage right, up the ladder from the tunnel. LeBeau immediately brings Crittendon a cup of coffee.
CRITTENDON
Oh, Hogan, what a ghastly scene it was!
Scarce had ye all your own escape made good
Than the SS patrols you’d warned me of
Did find my men’s position. Swift as light
They hemmed us in, three hundred against seven.
With rifles ready did they close with us,
And mortars and machine guns ringed us round.
HOGAN
’Twas wisest not to seek to fight it out.
CRITTENDON
Trained killers are my men, lad, each and all,
A battle engine each more than a man.
No quarter do they ask, nor do they give;
Surrender’s not in their vocabulary.
LEBEAU
There’s many a nasty argument thus to have.
CRITTENDON
But ’tis in mine; I said it, and full meant.
And the look upon the face of my command
Shall haunt me justly to my dying day.
I failed them, Hogan. Yes, I failed them all.
HOGAN
You saved the lives of all your men thus, sir.
CRITTENDON
Oh, call me no more “Colonel,” Hogan, please.
I’ve brought disgrace upon this uniform.
A vital mission have I thusly spoiled
Because mine own will only would I heed
And not the wisdom of thy council that
I now in hindsight see with clarity.
HOGAN
Sir, driving back, I ’gan to realize
That your plan was the better one indeed.
NEWKIRK
Th’ilke thought had I myself, sir.
LEBEAU
Well,
If honesty’s the game, I nothing liked
Of Col. Hogan’s plan e’en from the start.
Now, Col. Crittendon, his plan made sense.
But nothing did I say, for I am but
A lowly corporal.
HOGAN
Make that private now.
CRITTENDON
Your words of cheer I humbly do accept,
But none of them can change the fact that ye
Returnéd here with trouble none, while I
Had naught but trouble and got nothing done.
CARTER
But sir, you did! Your own escape you made,
And such a feat must wit and daring take!
LEBEAU
How did you get away so cleanly, sir?
CRITTENDON
Into their truck they ordered us, so I
Hung back to let my men enter ahead.
Thereafter did I wait ’til place be made
For me to have a seat among the men…
And while I waited there, the truck drove off.
HOGAN
Saw not one of them that you still stood by?
CRITTENDON
Well, stunned was I as well, as ye might think!
But quickly I regained my wits and ran
After the truck.
NEWKIRK
Sir, no offense,
But why’d you do a stupid thing like that?
CRITTENDON
Why, to be with my men, of course, Newkirk!
They need a leader’s guidance, after all.
Who knows how ill they’ll fare without my aid?
CARTER
Look what befell them with you!-Sir, I mean,
Had you not thus surrendered, they’d be dead.
LEBEAU
Your freedom serves them better far, I deem.
HOGAN
Thanks be to God indeed the darkness hid
Your presence from them and you left unseen.
CRITTENDON
See me? They never missed me! Aye, the space
I would have filled was worth far more than me.
Enter Kinch stage right from the tunnel.
KINCH
I’ve made contact with London, sir.
CRITTENDON
Ah, good.
They must be told our vital mission’s botched.
HOGAN
Ah, hold it, Kinch.
CRITTENDON
No, Hogan, time doth press!
It may be just enough for them to send
Another team to capture Rommel here.
HOGAN
You have the mission’s details all yourself,
Is that not so, sir?
CRITTENDON
Why, of course, old man.
Just outside Hammelburg the spital stands,
And Rommel lies within Suite 101.
Tomorrow night at midnight do I hand
Him over to the Underground.
KINCH
To keep?
CRITTENDON
No, they shall bear him hence unto the coast,
Where at the ready stands a submarine
To take him thence to England’s merry shore.
HOGAN
Then all you need are expert fighting men
To take care of the guards?
CRITTENDON
Just so, indeed,
And they’ll be hard to come by.
NEWKIRK
Look out, chums,
I think that we’re about to volunteer.
HOGAN
Come, Colonel. We need action. Let us help.
CRITTENDON
This mission might be tricky.
CARTER
Oh, well, heck,
We can but try; it would be hard indeed
To fail worse than you have, sir-no offense.
CRITTENDON
None taken, Sergeant! Men, I thank you! But
I think it fair to warn you that you might
Be in for mickle danger.
LEBEAU
Danger, pah!
Why, danger is my middle name, perdie.
KINCH
We’ve nothing else to do; we might as well.
CRITTENDON
Fine lads ye are! Thy truck we’ll need, Hogan.
HOGAN
’Tis none of mine, but I shall Father ask
If I the keys might borrow.
CRITTENDON
Then we’re set!
HOGAN
Oh, just one question more: what reason leads
Us to tomorrow night’s adventure, sir?
CRITTENDON
Last week, you see, a German submarine
A British ship did sink, and there on board
Was Admiral Thomas Toddly, who’s the head
Of naval intelligence. They captured him,
So we’re to capture Rommel, thus to force
A prisoner exchange with Germany.
NEWKIRK
If we can pull it off, why, it would be
Quite the coup.
CRITTENDON
No ifs here, man, no ifs.
This mission’s do or die; we must succeed.
Now say we here no more of this affair,
For Jerry has big ears.
HOGAN
And bigger mouths
Have we, I fear, but when ’tis done, ’tis done.
Now let us sleep, men, for tomorrow’s dawn
Shall need us at our best. To all good night,
And pray God’s grace be with us, and His might.
Scene 2: In Klink’s office. Klink sits at his desk doing paperwork. Enter Hogan stage right.
HOGAN
Good morning, Colonel! Glad I am-
KLINK
You’re not!
I am not glad, and neither will you be!
HOGAN
Oh, sad I am your humour’s bad this morn.
KLINK
Any morn you see me, I am in
A humour foul.
HOGAN
Yes, you know, ’tis true.
I wonder why that is.
KLINK
Why, you depress me.
HOGAN
Depress you, sir? In morning’s happy tide?
KLINK
Morning, afternoon, evening,
Summer, winter, autumn, and spring,
You depress me; you’re a scheming troublemaker.
HOGAN
You’ve lost the rhythm, sir.
KLINK
Oh, fie on’t, fie!
HOGAN
And I resent such names, sir!
KLINK
Oh, don’t try!
Enough resentment have I for us both.
Now, about the truck: you’ve fixed it, yes?
HOGAN
You have my word, sir, it is fixed
And ready for your use-well, after but
A few minor repairs.
KLINK
Minor repairs?
Yesterday you worked the whole day through!
HOGAN
On major repairs! Those must first be made
Ere minor repairs e’er can come to light.
KLINK
You’ll have it fixed today?
HOGAN
I guarantee
It positively shall be fixed today-
Tomorrow at the latest.
KLINK
That won’t do!
I want it done today! Now, tell your men
To speed it up.
HOGAN
But mind, sir, haste makes waste.
KLINK
No, you make waste, and trouble, and eke schemes,
But never haste.
HOGAN
Then use your own mechanics.
KLINK
Full well you know that my whole maintenance crew
To bomber work has gone. I have no more.
HOGAN
Then don’t demand so much. I think you’ll find
The more you press my men, the less they do.
KLINK
Who’s pressing? I’ve done naught-and so have they!
HOGAN
Sir, I’m a reasonable man.
KLINK
No, you are not!
A sneaky troublemaker’s what you are!
HOGAN
That’s scheming troublemaker.
KLINK
I forgot.
Now, no more loafing on the job, you hear?
HOGAN
My word I pledge, my men shall fix this truck,
If working through the night is what it takes.
KLINK
And I shall post a guard to see it done.
HOGAN
A guard? Oh, come now, Colonel! That’s too much!
We’ve given you no cause to post a guard!
KLINK
The fact you say so gives me cause enough. (He picks up the telephone.)
Fräulein Hilda! Send for Sgt. Schultz
To stand guard over Hogan and his men
Until the truck is fixed-and Hogan, mark:
Tell him to take his gun! Yes, that is all.
Klink hangs up. Exit Hogan stage right.
Scene 3: At the motor pool after dark. Newkirk, Carter, and LeBeau continue to work on the truck, while Schultz stands guard. Schultz yawns, and LeBeau signals to Newkirk.
NEWKIRK
Right, lads, we’ve worked enough for now. Let’s take
A one-hour rest ere we do more.
LEBEAU
Right.
CARTER
Thanks.
SCHULTZ
Wait a minute! Who told you to rest?
CARTER
Why, that man there, our foreman, told us to.
SCHULTZ
Since when do you take orders from him?
LEBEAU
Why, since he said to take a one-hour rest.
SCHULTZ
Keep on working, men, while I take an hour rest period.
LEBEAU
If sleep you lack, the tool room holds a cot.
SCHULTZ
Oh, sure, “lie down in the tool room, Schultz”-while we steal the truck, huh?
LEBEAU
Schultzie, do you think we’d steal this truck?
SCHULTZ
No, I don’t… not while I sleep in the back of it!
Schultz walks into the back of the truck and lies down.
NEWKIRK (to Carter)
Right, then, ’tis time. See if thou canst start
This truck; we’ve naught to fear from Schultzie now.
Carter starts the truck, and Newkirk and LeBeau climb aboard. Exeunt stage right, leaving Schultz asleep on a board fastened to the loading dock.
Scene 4: Outside the hospital, Carter, in German uniform, approaches a guard.
CARTER
Your pardon, Corporal; do you have a light?
The corporal begins to offer his lighter, but Newkirk overpowers him from behind.
NEWKIRK
’Tis shocking, this, so fine a German lad
To find asleep on duty!
CARTER
Fie for shame!
They quickly overpower a second guard. Then Carter forgets which man is Newkirk and almost takes him down before Newkirk pushes him off. The way cleared, they open the gates stage right and signal for Hogan, LeBeau, and Crittendon to join them. The five cross to stage left, approaching the front door of the hospital, then crouch down out of sight as a nurse and another guard pass.
HOGAN
Right, Newkirk, once we’ve made our way inside,
Go thou into the basement; quick survey
Of all the circuits make and cut the power.
CRITTENDON
Belay that, Newkirk, for that task
Shall fall to me, good Hogan.
HOGAN
Sir,
I’d liefer Newkirk do it. He hath skill;
An electrician is he, by my troth.
CRITTENDON
This job requires it not. All that’s to do
Is pull one switch.
HOGAN
The right switch; there’s the rub.
CRITTENDON
Precisely why I’ll do the job myself.
I have a diagram of everything,
The circuitry included.
HOGAN
Give it him.
CRITTENDON
What, dost thou think me daft? Should I retain
On paper such a valuable map?
HOGAN
No, no, of course you’d memorize and burn.
CRITTENDON
Quite so.
HOGAN
E’en as I feared.
CRITTENDON
Come, come, fret not,
For like camera obscura is mine eye,
To apprehend what’s seen in full detail.
Thereby upon the tables of my mind
Mnemosyne with golden pen doth write,
Ah! with so firm and so divine a stroke,
No man can wipe away what’s thus inscribed.
NEWKIRK
But how full stands her golden inkwell, sir?
CRITTENDON
That diagram is in my memory locked,
And God Himself doth keep the key of it.
The south wall of the basement is adorned
With metal cabinet that holds all controls.
Three switches on this cabinet do stand:
The leftmost triggers the escape alarm;
The centre warns of air raids, and the right
The main power doth control. Now follow me!
Let us at once our mission here commence!
Exeunt stage left, entering the hospital.
Scene 5: Inside the hospital, the men enter stage left and pause, centre stage, in the hall outside a door.
CRITTENDON
This room’s the doctors’ lounge. But doctors all
Upon this hour their nightly rounds do make,
And so the room is vacant. Let’s go in.
The light switch stands upon the right-hand wall.
They pass through the door to stage right, and Crittendon turns on the light, revealing the room’s interior.
CARTER
Well, I’ll be darned! It is a doctor’s lounge!
CRITTENDON
The guards upon their rounds shall pass this way
In twenty minutes; none shall spy us now.
Thus ample time have we for our night’s work.
Our target lies within Suite 101-
Down this hall, take the left-hand corridor,
The third door on the right. I’ll go at once
Down to the basement. After I leave,
Let pass twenty-five seconds ere you go
Toward your goal. Five seconds shall I wait
To give you time to get into the hall;
Then shall I cut the power. At this hour
Yon Rommel ought to sleep; if he doth not,
This sedative shall in an instant work
To put him under. Use it an you must.
HOGAN
Crittendon, would you not liefer let
Newkirk unto the basement go and take
Care of the power?
CRITTENDON
Oh, come, Hogan, come!
I never ask a man to do a job
I would not do myself! And there must be
No slip-ups. So I’m off. Godspeed ye, chaps!
Exit Crittendon stage left, into the hall and down to the basement.
LEBEAU
What think you, colonel?
CARTER
His memory
Seems to be working well.
HOGAN
And so is mine.
I’ll not forget the six who came with him.
How stands the hall?
LEBEAU
All clear, sir.
HOGAN
Right, let’s go.
They exit to the hall, but scarcely have they started toward Rommel’s suite when the air raid siren sounds.
CARTER
What’s that alarm?
HOGAN
Mnemosyne, it seems,
Ran out of ink! Right, watch that door, you two!
Come on, LeBeau! We’ll alter our disguise!
Hogan and LeBeau duck into a closet just as people come running, confused.
NEWKIRK
Quick, quick! Air raid! Outside, you lot, outside!
Don’t stay calm, panic! Move along there! Move!
Keep going, everyone, and stay outside
Until the bombers pass! Go on, go on!
CARTER
Keep walking, doctors! Nurses, hurry now!
You patients, out, and no one keep your heads!
As Hogan and LeBeau emerge in doctors’ robes, Crittendon emerges from the basement, and they bump elbows.
HOGAN
Crittendon!
CRITTENDON
Oh, Hogan! Blast it all!
Fine time they picked, escape and air raid both
At once to have! Come quickly; follow me!
HOGAN
But Rommel’s room is this way.
CRITTENDON
Rommel, what?
To blazes with him! We’ve ourselves to save!
NEWKIRK
But sir, our mission!
CRITTENDON
Why, you insolent-
Remind him, Hogan, who is in command!
HOGAN
If you insist.
He stabs Crittendon with the syringe of sedative.
CRITTENDON
Help, ho!
He passes out; the men bundle him onto a gurney.
HOGAN
Now, questions, men?
NEWKIRK
But one, sir: what are we to do with him?
HOGAN
Bring him along.
NEWKIRK
A pity ’tis, and yet
Makes sense, though liefer would I leave him here.
There’s none of us will ever hold him dear.
Hogan, Carter, and LeBeau hurry into Rommel’s room and come out with a man on a stretcher; his face is covered. They leave for the truck while Newkirk pushes Crittendon along behind them. Newkirk tries to leave Crittendon, but Hogan stops him. Exeunt.
Scene 6: In Barracks 2, the Heroes and their fellow prisoners are preparing for the morning-apart from Kinch, who is still in the tunnel. Hogan enters from his office, stage left.
HOGAN
Aught yet from London?
CARTER
No, sir; Kinch doth still
Attempt to raise them on the radio.
LEBEAU
But what a night of work we had last night!
NEWKIRK
And what a mission! None shall e’er believe
The tale we have to tell.
CARTER
Why, scarce do I,
And I was there to live it! Who’d have thought
We’d capture Rommel-and with Crittendon!
Enter Schultz through the barracks door up centre, wearing white gloves and full dress uniform.
SCHULTZ
Achtung, Achtung, alle raus, raus, raus!
In fifteen minutes must we roll call have!
All the prisoners complain.
HOGAN
Thou art an hour early, Schultz! For shame!
SCHULTZ
The commandant has issued orders strict;
He lunches with the Feldmarschall today!
NEWKIRK
What field marshal?
SCHULTZ
Rommel-ha, who else?
CARTER
Wait, Rommel? The Rommel?
SCHULTZ
Indeed!
LEBEAU
But how?
What doth he here, in Hammelburg so fair?
SCHULTZ
By strafing fighter was he wounded sore,
And for his wounds’ recovery he rests
In privy hospital outside of town.
And he would fain this camp inspect today!
HOGAN
How sure art thou this man is Rommel?
SCHULTZ
Sooth,
There’s but one Desert Fox!
HOGAN
Aye, so I feared.
Schultz puts a newspaper on the table.
SCHULTZ
This paper will tell all. But come, macht schnell!
Outside in fifteen minutes! Mark it well! (Exit.)
As soon as Schultz is gone, the Heroes hurry to open the tunnel entrance. Exeunt.
Scene 7: In the tunnel, Kinch is already on the radio when Hogan and the other Heroes walk in.
KINCH
Oh, Colonel, I have London reached at last.
Stand by yet, Mama Bear; he cometh now.
NEWKIRK
Well, chaps, I do but hope that Crittendon
Our part doth not embellish overly.
CRITTENDON (on the radio)
Art there still, Goldilocks?
HOGAN
Indeed we are.
’Tis to my notice brought that we did ship
The wrong package with you last night. Over.
CRITTENDON
Oh, not at all, old man! It was a prize!
HOGAN
A prize or surprise?
CRITTENDON
Both, of course. You see,
Exchange we sought to make, but none we need,
For whom should we have kidnapped in the stead
Of Rommel but our own dear admiral!
’Twas not the plan, you know.
HOGAN
Oh, yes, I know.
CRITTENDON
Amazing ’tis that ever ye should know
That Admiral Toddly was in spital same
As Rommel! ’Tis superb! Good show, old bean.
Thou and thy chaps have done a splendid job.
HOGAN
Without you, sir, we could not so have done.
CRITTENDON
What, really? Well… there’s little I recall,
But in the heat of battle, that can be.
Ye were all such a help, though, I should fain
Work with ye once again. What sayest thou, friend?
Exit Carter, Newkirk, and LeBeau.
HOGAN
Your pardon, Mama Bear, but I do fear
The Germans jam our signal now. Farewell!
Hogan disconnects the radio; Kinch looks amused.
HOGAN
Though many dangers there may be in war,
The prisoner’s lot’s most perilous by far!
Exeunt.
Inspired by “Shakespeare Writes ‘The Crittendon Plan’” by OboeCrazy
With apologies to the Bard and to Bill Davenport
SHAKESPEARE WRITES
“CRITTENDON’S COMMANDOS”
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Col. Robert Hogan, United States Army Air Force, commander of Hogan’s Heroes
Sgt. James “Kinch” Kinchloe, United States Army Air Force -\
Sgt. Andrew Carter, United States Army Air Force - - - - - - | Hogan’s
Cpl. Peter Newkirk, Royal Air Force - - - - - - - - - - - - - - | Heroes
Cpl. Louis LeBeau, Armee l’Air - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -/
Sgt. Baker, United States Army Air Force, another radio man
Col. Wilhelm Klink, Luftwaffe, commandant of Stalag Luft XIII
Sgt. Hans Schultz, Luftwaffe, sergeant of the guard
Col. Rodney Crittendon, Royal Air Force, commander of Crittendon’s Commandos
Tobin, British Commandos
Digby, British Commandos
Four other commandos
Guards outside the hospital
Sundry doctors, patients, and nurses at the hospital
Other prisoners of war
PROLOGUE
Upon the global stage in combat fierce,
Two mighty bands of nations do contest
The right of tyrants boldly to impose
Their evil will on those of lesser strength,
On neighbour hapless or on scapegoat poor.
Thus trammelled in the thirteenth prison camp
For soldiers of the air that captured be
In Germany, where Adolf Hitler’s rule
Unto the German people proves the bane,
Beneath the nose of Col. Wilhelm Klink,
Commander of the camp in name alone;
Assisted now and then by Sgt. Schultz,
Who’d liefer nothing know and nothing see
Than risk his life on Russia’s icy bourn,
A hardy band of men assembled stands:
To HOGAN’S HEROES kindly lend your hands.
See first the gallant Hogan, colonel bold,
Who leads his men in merry escapades
To aid their comrades Germany to ’scape
And sabotage their enemies so well
That any scheme they counter’s sure to fail.
Next Kinchloe, Moorish sergeant, far the best
At radios and wiretaps; what’s more,
An athlete peerless, and his wits
So keen as to perceive in the designs
Of Hogan all immediate fatal flaws.
Young Carter, sergeant also, seeming mild,
Yet alchemist of such outstanding skill
Explosives can he make and place at will.
These three the New World’s portion here present.
Now Newkirk doth St. George’s Cross uphold,
A corporal and a thief, but as needs must,
For spying all his talent gladly bends
To save his best-loved England from rapine.
Last, smallest, yet in courage not the least,
LeBeau with tricolore upon his breast,
For France doth sing and dance and cook and spy.
Now gathered is our heroes’ company.
Attend the tale, ye gentles; ye shall hear
Anon of a most comical attempt
Exchange of martial leaders, wounded sore,
To force ’twixt Germany and England, and
Though failing, yet the end and aim achieve
Our Hogan and his Heroes through mischief.
ACT I
Scene 1: In the subterranean radio room, early one morning. Baker minds the radio, but as all is quiet, he attempts to learn to knit. Enter Kinch stage left from the ladder leading up to Barracks 2.
KINCH
How now, young Baker? What’s the news, my friend?
BAKER
Dead quiet, Kinch. My mind is occupied
With but the tangled web one weaves in wool
With “knit, knit, purl”-or is it “purl, purl, knit”?
I fear I’ve much to practice ere my hands
A decent woollen waistcoat can achieve
To keep this German winter from my chest.
He displays his messy handiwork. Kinch laughs, but not unkindly.
KINCH
Give o’er the work, then, ’til the morning light.
This tunnel’s not the place for worsted ware,
So dark and damp it is, and there’s no fear
That Klink in knitting secrets might discern.
And Carter knits; perchance to-morrow he
And thou in conference close might ascertain
What hinders thine attempt at waistcoating.
My watch comes hardly on; give me thy place,
And rest thee well ’til Reveille doth come.
BAKER
For this relief, much thanks. Give thee good morn.
Just as Baker stands to leave, the radio begins to beep.
KINCH
’Tis London. Ere to rest thou goest, friend,
Tell Col. Hogan word doth come for him.
BAKER
The others, too?
KINCH
Aye, marry, an thou wilt.
BAKER
I shall. My thanks again. Give thee good morn.
KINCH
And thee.
Exit Baker stage left, up the ladder. Kinch sits down at the radio and picks up the headphones.
KINCH
Now, London, what’s the news from you?
He taps the “Go ahead” on the telegraph key, listens, and begins to write. Meanwhile, enter Hogan, Carter, Newkirk, and LeBeau stage left, filing down the ladder; Baker follows but passes behind them to a different ladder leading to his own barracks. Hogan goes to read over Kinch’s shoulder; the other men range themselves in front of the radio desk to wait for instructions.
HOGAN
What have we here, then? “Six commandos bold
Shall e’en this night at Sector A11
Be dropped by parachute. Go ye tonight
And bring these men unto Stalag XIII.”
CARTER
Sounds easy thus far.
LEBEAU
Insulting, rather say!
Thus of a sudden must we imitate
The actions of a lowly hansom cab!
CARTER
At least our colour yellow cannot be.
-“A cab belike, but not a yellow one!”
That have I simply said, and wordplay none
Had I intended, yet a pun it was!
Haha, how funny!
HOGAN
’Twasn’t, Carter. Peace.
Hold, hold-there’s more. These men we aid tonight,
Their mission is to capture and return
To England with… what, Rommel?! Surely not!
NEWKIRK
Rommel?!
LEBEAU
Field Marshal Erwin Rommel?
NEWKIRK
The Desert Fox?
LEBEAU
The Terror of Tobruk?
CARTER
The Galloping Ghost?
KINCH
That was Red Grange.
HOGAN
“By strafing fighter Rommel wounded was.
Near Hammelburg in privy hospital
He now rests to recover of his wounds.”
LEBEAU
Our British friends have quite the job in hand.
KINCH
And so do we. SS platoons the woods
With martial stride do compass and patrol.
How shall we six commandos hale
Past them unto our tunnels’ shelter here?
HOGAN
Let’s search out A11 on our map.
They adjourn to the map table; Hogan measures the distances.
HOGAN
From Hammelburg two miles lies that point,
And twelve from this our happy home-from-home.
NEWKIRK
Aye, so it is, and great the space between,
Where SS men could lay their ambuscade.
As soon as British aeroplane they hear,
Alert they’ll be, and greatest danger pose.
KINCH
Good chance there also is that German eyes
The parachutes will spy and sound alarm.
NEWKIRK
And then the race shall be who picks up whom.
LEBEAU
Now hansom cab I wish we were indeed,
With horses swifter than the winter wind.
CARTER
But never yellow should its colour be.-
“Oh, Carter, hold thy peace.” I know; I shall.
HOGAN
’Tis clear that all roads hence shall be at once
Blockaded by the SS, but perchance
As German guards we could their net escape
And with our British “prisoners” return.
KINCH
Ah, sir, I hear your message loud and clear.
To London shall I send forthwith request
That these commandos shall in uniform
Be dropped to us.
HOGAN
Exactly so, and add
That we in German uniform shall come
And with the cricket toy shall each make known
To other force its own identity.
KINCH
Sir, I shall see it done immediately.
He returns to the radio.
LEBEAU
Now lack we but the truck to journey thence.
HOGAN
Ye, Carter, Newkirk, check the motor pool.
See whether any trucks be for repair
And for our easy use awaiting.
NEWKIRK
Aye,
With good will shall we, sir; but I doubt not
One shall be there.
CARTER
Indeed-the first we see!
NEWKIRK
So long as coat of yellow it bears not.
CARTER
Just so.
NEWKIRK
Go on, go on, upstairs with thee.
They exit stage right up a different ladder while LeBeau and Hogan remain at the map table.
Scene 2: In the motor pool, Hogan’s men feign work on a truck.
HOGAN
All right, all right! Work faster there, ye four!
Our genial landlord wants this truck we mend
In working order by this afternoon.
We shall not disappoint our Col. Klink,
Is that not so?
Carter rolls out from under the truck.
CARTER
No, sir, that shall we not!
Our commandant we seek always to please!
And if he wants this truck repaired today,
Why, we shall have it finished by-
HOGAN (quietly)
Peace, peace.
I give the orders here, Carter, recall.
Just see that ye obey them not. I want
This truck out of commission ’til tonight.
CARTER
Aye, sir.
Carter rolls back under the truck, accidentally shoving LeBeau out the other side.
LEBEAU
Hey, what’s the big idea? Wilt thou fain
The fool play here with me? Here’s one for thee!
He shoves Carter back just as Klink and Schultz enter stage left. Carter accidentally rams straight into Klink’s ankle.
KLINK
Oh, oh, my ankle! Oh!
CARTER
Good morning, sir.
KLINK
Oh, fie on’t, oh! So, Hogan, is this how
Your men repair my truck?
HOGAN
Sir, as they say,
“All work and no play doth a dull boy make.”
KLINK
In prison camp, a dull boy’s what we like.
SCHULTZ
Haha! Very good, Herr Kommandant! I’m glad to see you in such an excellent humour.
KLINK
Silence, Schultz! I’m not in excellent humour.
SCHULTZ
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant; you’re in excellent humour to be in such a nasty humour.
HOGAN
Herr Kommandant, I know you’re here because
You’re anxious to find out how long ’twill be
Before this truck is back in good repair,
And I can well assure you, sir-
KLINK
Enough!
This truck is meant to fetch supplies this morn.
Why is it here instead to be repaired?
Answer me that!
HOGAN
Why needs this truck repair?
Well, Newkirk is our engineer; let’s ask.
Newkirk, without too technical a tale,
Please tell our commandant the reason why
This truck needs our repair.
NEWKIRK
’Tis broken, sir.
KLINK
Oh, fie!
HOGAN
Thank you.
NEWKIRK
You’re very welcome, sir.
HOGAN
A plainer answer could you not desire,
Nor get indeed, sir.
KLINK
Hogan, mark: this truck
Was yet in good repair as of last night.
HOGAN
In good repair? It could not thus have been,
Or else it would not be so broken-down
As here you see it now, Herr Kommandant.
KLINK
How broken-down in fact it is I fain
Would see. Step back. I’ll try it now.
HOGAN
Wait, sir!
Inasmuch as we do not yet know
How bad the damage is, ’twould be unwise.
To start the engine might prove dangerous.
KLINK
Out of my way! I doubt this tale; indeed,
No fault at all in this truck do I see.
You and your men but use this weak excuse
To loaf and do no work. Step back, I say!
Schultz, get into that truck and start it now.
SCHULTZ
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
He starts toward the truck but pauses.
SCHULTZ
What kind of danger do you think there might be, Col. Hogan?
HOGAN
Explosion, fire. Who knows? We have not had
The time to find the fault.
KLINK
Hogan, enough!
Naught ill shall happen, Schultz. Start it at once,
And that’s an order! Hogan, no word more!
HOGAN
Men! To me!
The Heroes leave the truck and stand behind Hogan, well away from any danger.
SCHULTZ
Wait, Herr Kommandant! I think my driver’s licence has expired!
KLINK
Schultz, stop being a coward! Nothing is going to happen! Start the engine; that’s an order!
But he edges behind Hogan himself. The Heroes brace for an explosion.
SCHULTZ (nervously)
Jawohl.
Sure enough, Schultz starts the engine, and it explodes with enough force to throw Schultz, the seat, and the steering wheel to the ground. The Heroes help him up. Exeunt.
Scene 3: That night, in the woods. The repaired truck enters stage left and stops. Newkirk gets out and comes to the back, where Hogan and the other men are studying a map. All five are in German uniform.
HOGAN
All right, our rendezvous point is at hand.
The men we are to meet should all be nigh,
Within the half-mile radius we see here.
Take thou the northeast sector, noble Kinch.
Hast thou thy cricket?
KINCH
Aye, sir; here it is.
He clicks the cricket once.
HOGAN
And what’s their signal, Newkirk?
NEWKIRK
E’en thus,
Four chirps at intervals ten seconds long,
And my reply must be two chirps, no more.
HOGAN
Then let’s to work. In forty minutes, meet
We here again, have we success or no.
They dismount and spread out, following a clicking sound that eventually leads them back to centre stage, where Carter stands, cracking his knuckles.
HOGAN
Heard we all the same signal, each alike?
LEBEAU
Yet no commandos are there to be seen.
I could have sworn it came from this point here.
CARTER
Here have I stood the while; no friend’s arrived.
HOGAN
Then let us take no chances. To the truck,
Move quick and quiet, all, lest we be found.
They all start to move off again, but Carter cracks his knuckles once more, making the clicking sound. The others pause and turn back to him with reproachful looks.
CARTER
’Tis an old habit of mine. Oft will I crack
My knuckles when I’m anxious.
NEWKIRK
So do I.
My knuckles would I fain in thy big mouth
Crack now, thou fool!
CARTER
What did I do?!
HOGAN
Naught, naught.
But next time nerves would make thy knuckles crack,
Bite thou thy nails instead and keep thy peace.
Now let us go before the SS comes.
Suddenly Hogan is grabbed about the neck by someone who puts a pistol to his head.
CRITTENDON
Stand, ho! I warn ye, make no sudden move!
Your leader have I here at weapon-point,
And shall not fail to slay if need doth press!
HOGAN
Good grief. Good evening, Col. Crittendon.
CRITTENDON
What, what? Art Hogan? Aye, ’tis Hogan, men!
This ghastly German garb doth allies hide!
Rest easy while our friends I gladly greet!
His men give no reply.
HOGAN
Soft, soft, good Colonel. The SS is nigh.
Let us unto our truck repair, and fast.
CRITTENDON
My men are winded, Hogan, but fear not;
We shall the Jerries spy ere they spot us.
Who stands the watch here, Tobin?
He turns to Tobin and Digby, who are leaning against each other with their eyes closed. Tobin has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.
TOBIN
An ye please,
’Tis me and Digby, sir.
Crittendon turns back to Hogan proudly.
CRITTENDON
That’s what I like
About young Tobin-takes the worst
And hardest jobs himself. He’s a good lad.
HOGAN
Those two are on watch?
CRITTENDON
Well, so to speak.
When nothing’s there to see, there’s naught to watch!
But Tobin here’s a prize, old man; he’ll spot
The enemy far off, has Airedale’s ears.
He hears much we do not.
HOGAN
And I believe
He sees what we do not as well.
CRITTENDON
What, where?
Oho, that’s good! I had forgot thy wit,
So sharp, a marvellous quality. Thou couldst
Look death square in the face and laugh, eh what?
HOGAN
No, Colonel, I could not. Now let us go.
You said your men are tired. To the truck
Then let us hie and so to camp at once.
CRITTENDON
I have a much safer idea. Take
Thou thine own men to camp in this thy truck.
My men and I shall follow soon on foot.
HOGAN
On foot? ’Tis ten miles hence!
CRITTENDON
But for my lads
A pleasant Sunday stroll! See thou, an we
Should ride along with you, would that not be
To put all eggs into one basket, what?
HOGAN
No, I call the plan most practical. You said
Your men are winded.
CRITTENDON
Aye, and so they were.
But give them but a scant few minutes more,
And straining at the traces shall they be!
Right, lads?
The commandos growl half-hearted agreement.
CRITTENDON
Gad, they’re a doughty bunch.
Right, Hogan, take your men at once and go.
We’ll meet you back in old Stalag XIII.
HOGAN
Look, Colonel, I cannot-
CRITTENDON
An order, man.
Hast thou forgot my rank? For I have far
More time in grade than thou; command is mine.
HOGAN
We’ll none of us forget it, sir. Let’s go.
Exeunt via opposite sides of the stage: the Heroes in the truck stage left; the commandos dragging along on foot after Crittendon stage right.
Scene 4: In the tunnel, Hogan uses the periscope to look for any sign of Crittendon and his men. The other Heroes wait close by.
LEBEAU
And still no sign of them, mon colonel?
HOGAN
No, looking proveth futile. Why try now?
I should have known the whole design was doomed
When Crittendon spoke out against me with,
“I’ve an idea.”
KINCH
Unto my ear, too,
Those words disaster meant.
CARTER
Those men of his
Must from their wits be parted, so to go
With Crittendon upon a ten-mile march.
NEWKIRK
Their wits must be at home, or else
They’d never follow him upon the plane
To undertake this mission from the start.
KINCH
What think you, Colonel? Ought I message send
To London to inform them of this pass?
A tapping noise is heard as Hogan checks his watch.
HOGAN
Let’s wait ten minutes more. Oh, Carter, cease
Thy knuckles so to crack!
CARTER
I’m sorry, sir.
-Wait, how am I to crack my knuckles thus,
With both hands in my pockets?
HOGAN
Wait, wait, hark.
I hear a tapping somewhere close at hand.
CARTER
Why, aye, indeed, it is a tapping.
It’s as if someone were rapping,
Gently rapping on my….
LEBEAU
Oh, Carter, peace! We need here now no Poe!
CARTER
Then I shall quote him nevermore.
HOGAN
LeBeau, check thou once more what stands outside.
Above, Crittendon is tapping on the glass of the periscope as LeBeau moves it up, down, and all around.
CRITTENDON
Oh, Hogan! Hogan, help! Do let me in!
Why, blast it, if this thing will not hold still,
Nor take my voice to Hogan to alert
That I without am hiding, I must act!
Heave ho!
HOGAN
Seest thou aught yet?
LEBEAU
No, nothing-HELP!
He is pulled off his feet as Crittendon pulls up on the periscope. Kinch helps him down while Newkirk and Carter rush to the tunnel’s emergency entrance to let Crittendon in. Exeunt stage left toward the ladder into Barracks 2.
ACT II
Scene 1: Inside Barracks 2, Hogan, Carter, Newkirk, LeBeau and Crittendon enter stage right, up the ladder from the tunnel. LeBeau immediately brings Crittendon a cup of coffee.
CRITTENDON
Oh, Hogan, what a ghastly scene it was!
Scarce had ye all your own escape made good
Than the SS patrols you’d warned me of
Did find my men’s position. Swift as light
They hemmed us in, three hundred against seven.
With rifles ready did they close with us,
And mortars and machine guns ringed us round.
HOGAN
’Twas wisest not to seek to fight it out.
CRITTENDON
Trained killers are my men, lad, each and all,
A battle engine each more than a man.
No quarter do they ask, nor do they give;
Surrender’s not in their vocabulary.
LEBEAU
There’s many a nasty argument thus to have.
CRITTENDON
But ’tis in mine; I said it, and full meant.
And the look upon the face of my command
Shall haunt me justly to my dying day.
I failed them, Hogan. Yes, I failed them all.
HOGAN
You saved the lives of all your men thus, sir.
CRITTENDON
Oh, call me no more “Colonel,” Hogan, please.
I’ve brought disgrace upon this uniform.
A vital mission have I thusly spoiled
Because mine own will only would I heed
And not the wisdom of thy council that
I now in hindsight see with clarity.
HOGAN
Sir, driving back, I ’gan to realize
That your plan was the better one indeed.
NEWKIRK
Th’ilke thought had I myself, sir.
LEBEAU
Well,
If honesty’s the game, I nothing liked
Of Col. Hogan’s plan e’en from the start.
Now, Col. Crittendon, his plan made sense.
But nothing did I say, for I am but
A lowly corporal.
HOGAN
Make that private now.
CRITTENDON
Your words of cheer I humbly do accept,
But none of them can change the fact that ye
Returnéd here with trouble none, while I
Had naught but trouble and got nothing done.
CARTER
But sir, you did! Your own escape you made,
And such a feat must wit and daring take!
LEBEAU
How did you get away so cleanly, sir?
CRITTENDON
Into their truck they ordered us, so I
Hung back to let my men enter ahead.
Thereafter did I wait ’til place be made
For me to have a seat among the men…
And while I waited there, the truck drove off.
HOGAN
Saw not one of them that you still stood by?
CRITTENDON
Well, stunned was I as well, as ye might think!
But quickly I regained my wits and ran
After the truck.
NEWKIRK
Sir, no offense,
But why’d you do a stupid thing like that?
CRITTENDON
Why, to be with my men, of course, Newkirk!
They need a leader’s guidance, after all.
Who knows how ill they’ll fare without my aid?
CARTER
Look what befell them with you!-Sir, I mean,
Had you not thus surrendered, they’d be dead.
LEBEAU
Your freedom serves them better far, I deem.
HOGAN
Thanks be to God indeed the darkness hid
Your presence from them and you left unseen.
CRITTENDON
See me? They never missed me! Aye, the space
I would have filled was worth far more than me.
Enter Kinch stage right from the tunnel.
KINCH
I’ve made contact with London, sir.
CRITTENDON
Ah, good.
They must be told our vital mission’s botched.
HOGAN
Ah, hold it, Kinch.
CRITTENDON
No, Hogan, time doth press!
It may be just enough for them to send
Another team to capture Rommel here.
HOGAN
You have the mission’s details all yourself,
Is that not so, sir?
CRITTENDON
Why, of course, old man.
Just outside Hammelburg the spital stands,
And Rommel lies within Suite 101.
Tomorrow night at midnight do I hand
Him over to the Underground.
KINCH
To keep?
CRITTENDON
No, they shall bear him hence unto the coast,
Where at the ready stands a submarine
To take him thence to England’s merry shore.
HOGAN
Then all you need are expert fighting men
To take care of the guards?
CRITTENDON
Just so, indeed,
And they’ll be hard to come by.
NEWKIRK
Look out, chums,
I think that we’re about to volunteer.
HOGAN
Come, Colonel. We need action. Let us help.
CRITTENDON
This mission might be tricky.
CARTER
Oh, well, heck,
We can but try; it would be hard indeed
To fail worse than you have, sir-no offense.
CRITTENDON
None taken, Sergeant! Men, I thank you! But
I think it fair to warn you that you might
Be in for mickle danger.
LEBEAU
Danger, pah!
Why, danger is my middle name, perdie.
KINCH
We’ve nothing else to do; we might as well.
CRITTENDON
Fine lads ye are! Thy truck we’ll need, Hogan.
HOGAN
’Tis none of mine, but I shall Father ask
If I the keys might borrow.
CRITTENDON
Then we’re set!
HOGAN
Oh, just one question more: what reason leads
Us to tomorrow night’s adventure, sir?
CRITTENDON
Last week, you see, a German submarine
A British ship did sink, and there on board
Was Admiral Thomas Toddly, who’s the head
Of naval intelligence. They captured him,
So we’re to capture Rommel, thus to force
A prisoner exchange with Germany.
NEWKIRK
If we can pull it off, why, it would be
Quite the coup.
CRITTENDON
No ifs here, man, no ifs.
This mission’s do or die; we must succeed.
Now say we here no more of this affair,
For Jerry has big ears.
HOGAN
And bigger mouths
Have we, I fear, but when ’tis done, ’tis done.
Now let us sleep, men, for tomorrow’s dawn
Shall need us at our best. To all good night,
And pray God’s grace be with us, and His might.
Scene 2: In Klink’s office. Klink sits at his desk doing paperwork. Enter Hogan stage right.
HOGAN
Good morning, Colonel! Glad I am-
KLINK
You’re not!
I am not glad, and neither will you be!
HOGAN
Oh, sad I am your humour’s bad this morn.
KLINK
Any morn you see me, I am in
A humour foul.
HOGAN
Yes, you know, ’tis true.
I wonder why that is.
KLINK
Why, you depress me.
HOGAN
Depress you, sir? In morning’s happy tide?
KLINK
Morning, afternoon, evening,
Summer, winter, autumn, and spring,
You depress me; you’re a scheming troublemaker.
HOGAN
You’ve lost the rhythm, sir.
KLINK
Oh, fie on’t, fie!
HOGAN
And I resent such names, sir!
KLINK
Oh, don’t try!
Enough resentment have I for us both.
Now, about the truck: you’ve fixed it, yes?
HOGAN
You have my word, sir, it is fixed
And ready for your use-well, after but
A few minor repairs.
KLINK
Minor repairs?
Yesterday you worked the whole day through!
HOGAN
On major repairs! Those must first be made
Ere minor repairs e’er can come to light.
KLINK
You’ll have it fixed today?
HOGAN
I guarantee
It positively shall be fixed today-
Tomorrow at the latest.
KLINK
That won’t do!
I want it done today! Now, tell your men
To speed it up.
HOGAN
But mind, sir, haste makes waste.
KLINK
No, you make waste, and trouble, and eke schemes,
But never haste.
HOGAN
Then use your own mechanics.
KLINK
Full well you know that my whole maintenance crew
To bomber work has gone. I have no more.
HOGAN
Then don’t demand so much. I think you’ll find
The more you press my men, the less they do.
KLINK
Who’s pressing? I’ve done naught-and so have they!
HOGAN
Sir, I’m a reasonable man.
KLINK
No, you are not!
A sneaky troublemaker’s what you are!
HOGAN
That’s scheming troublemaker.
KLINK
I forgot.
Now, no more loafing on the job, you hear?
HOGAN
My word I pledge, my men shall fix this truck,
If working through the night is what it takes.
KLINK
And I shall post a guard to see it done.
HOGAN
A guard? Oh, come now, Colonel! That’s too much!
We’ve given you no cause to post a guard!
KLINK
The fact you say so gives me cause enough. (He picks up the telephone.)
Fräulein Hilda! Send for Sgt. Schultz
To stand guard over Hogan and his men
Until the truck is fixed-and Hogan, mark:
Tell him to take his gun! Yes, that is all.
Klink hangs up. Exit Hogan stage right.
Scene 3: At the motor pool after dark. Newkirk, Carter, and LeBeau continue to work on the truck, while Schultz stands guard. Schultz yawns, and LeBeau signals to Newkirk.
NEWKIRK
Right, lads, we’ve worked enough for now. Let’s take
A one-hour rest ere we do more.
LEBEAU
Right.
CARTER
Thanks.
SCHULTZ
Wait a minute! Who told you to rest?
CARTER
Why, that man there, our foreman, told us to.
SCHULTZ
Since when do you take orders from him?
LEBEAU
Why, since he said to take a one-hour rest.
SCHULTZ
Keep on working, men, while I take an hour rest period.
LEBEAU
If sleep you lack, the tool room holds a cot.
SCHULTZ
Oh, sure, “lie down in the tool room, Schultz”-while we steal the truck, huh?
LEBEAU
Schultzie, do you think we’d steal this truck?
SCHULTZ
No, I don’t… not while I sleep in the back of it!
Schultz walks into the back of the truck and lies down.
NEWKIRK (to Carter)
Right, then, ’tis time. See if thou canst start
This truck; we’ve naught to fear from Schultzie now.
Carter starts the truck, and Newkirk and LeBeau climb aboard. Exeunt stage right, leaving Schultz asleep on a board fastened to the loading dock.
Scene 4: Outside the hospital, Carter, in German uniform, approaches a guard.
CARTER
Your pardon, Corporal; do you have a light?
The corporal begins to offer his lighter, but Newkirk overpowers him from behind.
NEWKIRK
’Tis shocking, this, so fine a German lad
To find asleep on duty!
CARTER
Fie for shame!
They quickly overpower a second guard. Then Carter forgets which man is Newkirk and almost takes him down before Newkirk pushes him off. The way cleared, they open the gates stage right and signal for Hogan, LeBeau, and Crittendon to join them. The five cross to stage left, approaching the front door of the hospital, then crouch down out of sight as a nurse and another guard pass.
HOGAN
Right, Newkirk, once we’ve made our way inside,
Go thou into the basement; quick survey
Of all the circuits make and cut the power.
CRITTENDON
Belay that, Newkirk, for that task
Shall fall to me, good Hogan.
HOGAN
Sir,
I’d liefer Newkirk do it. He hath skill;
An electrician is he, by my troth.
CRITTENDON
This job requires it not. All that’s to do
Is pull one switch.
HOGAN
The right switch; there’s the rub.
CRITTENDON
Precisely why I’ll do the job myself.
I have a diagram of everything,
The circuitry included.
HOGAN
Give it him.
CRITTENDON
What, dost thou think me daft? Should I retain
On paper such a valuable map?
HOGAN
No, no, of course you’d memorize and burn.
CRITTENDON
Quite so.
HOGAN
E’en as I feared.
CRITTENDON
Come, come, fret not,
For like camera obscura is mine eye,
To apprehend what’s seen in full detail.
Thereby upon the tables of my mind
Mnemosyne with golden pen doth write,
Ah! with so firm and so divine a stroke,
No man can wipe away what’s thus inscribed.
NEWKIRK
But how full stands her golden inkwell, sir?
CRITTENDON
That diagram is in my memory locked,
And God Himself doth keep the key of it.
The south wall of the basement is adorned
With metal cabinet that holds all controls.
Three switches on this cabinet do stand:
The leftmost triggers the escape alarm;
The centre warns of air raids, and the right
The main power doth control. Now follow me!
Let us at once our mission here commence!
Exeunt stage left, entering the hospital.
Scene 5: Inside the hospital, the men enter stage left and pause, centre stage, in the hall outside a door.
CRITTENDON
This room’s the doctors’ lounge. But doctors all
Upon this hour their nightly rounds do make,
And so the room is vacant. Let’s go in.
The light switch stands upon the right-hand wall.
They pass through the door to stage right, and Crittendon turns on the light, revealing the room’s interior.
CARTER
Well, I’ll be darned! It is a doctor’s lounge!
CRITTENDON
The guards upon their rounds shall pass this way
In twenty minutes; none shall spy us now.
Thus ample time have we for our night’s work.
Our target lies within Suite 101-
Down this hall, take the left-hand corridor,
The third door on the right. I’ll go at once
Down to the basement. After I leave,
Let pass twenty-five seconds ere you go
Toward your goal. Five seconds shall I wait
To give you time to get into the hall;
Then shall I cut the power. At this hour
Yon Rommel ought to sleep; if he doth not,
This sedative shall in an instant work
To put him under. Use it an you must.
HOGAN
Crittendon, would you not liefer let
Newkirk unto the basement go and take
Care of the power?
CRITTENDON
Oh, come, Hogan, come!
I never ask a man to do a job
I would not do myself! And there must be
No slip-ups. So I’m off. Godspeed ye, chaps!
Exit Crittendon stage left, into the hall and down to the basement.
LEBEAU
What think you, colonel?
CARTER
His memory
Seems to be working well.
HOGAN
And so is mine.
I’ll not forget the six who came with him.
How stands the hall?
LEBEAU
All clear, sir.
HOGAN
Right, let’s go.
They exit to the hall, but scarcely have they started toward Rommel’s suite when the air raid siren sounds.
CARTER
What’s that alarm?
HOGAN
Mnemosyne, it seems,
Ran out of ink! Right, watch that door, you two!
Come on, LeBeau! We’ll alter our disguise!
Hogan and LeBeau duck into a closet just as people come running, confused.
NEWKIRK
Quick, quick! Air raid! Outside, you lot, outside!
Don’t stay calm, panic! Move along there! Move!
Keep going, everyone, and stay outside
Until the bombers pass! Go on, go on!
CARTER
Keep walking, doctors! Nurses, hurry now!
You patients, out, and no one keep your heads!
As Hogan and LeBeau emerge in doctors’ robes, Crittendon emerges from the basement, and they bump elbows.
HOGAN
Crittendon!
CRITTENDON
Oh, Hogan! Blast it all!
Fine time they picked, escape and air raid both
At once to have! Come quickly; follow me!
HOGAN
But Rommel’s room is this way.
CRITTENDON
Rommel, what?
To blazes with him! We’ve ourselves to save!
NEWKIRK
But sir, our mission!
CRITTENDON
Why, you insolent-
Remind him, Hogan, who is in command!
HOGAN
If you insist.
He stabs Crittendon with the syringe of sedative.
CRITTENDON
Help, ho!
He passes out; the men bundle him onto a gurney.
HOGAN
Now, questions, men?
NEWKIRK
But one, sir: what are we to do with him?
HOGAN
Bring him along.
NEWKIRK
A pity ’tis, and yet
Makes sense, though liefer would I leave him here.
There’s none of us will ever hold him dear.
Hogan, Carter, and LeBeau hurry into Rommel’s room and come out with a man on a stretcher; his face is covered. They leave for the truck while Newkirk pushes Crittendon along behind them. Newkirk tries to leave Crittendon, but Hogan stops him. Exeunt.
Scene 6: In Barracks 2, the Heroes and their fellow prisoners are preparing for the morning-apart from Kinch, who is still in the tunnel. Hogan enters from his office, stage left.
HOGAN
Aught yet from London?
CARTER
No, sir; Kinch doth still
Attempt to raise them on the radio.
LEBEAU
But what a night of work we had last night!
NEWKIRK
And what a mission! None shall e’er believe
The tale we have to tell.
CARTER
Why, scarce do I,
And I was there to live it! Who’d have thought
We’d capture Rommel-and with Crittendon!
Enter Schultz through the barracks door up centre, wearing white gloves and full dress uniform.
SCHULTZ
Achtung, Achtung, alle raus, raus, raus!
In fifteen minutes must we roll call have!
All the prisoners complain.
HOGAN
Thou art an hour early, Schultz! For shame!
SCHULTZ
The commandant has issued orders strict;
He lunches with the Feldmarschall today!
NEWKIRK
What field marshal?
SCHULTZ
Rommel-ha, who else?
CARTER
Wait, Rommel? The Rommel?
SCHULTZ
Indeed!
LEBEAU
But how?
What doth he here, in Hammelburg so fair?
SCHULTZ
By strafing fighter was he wounded sore,
And for his wounds’ recovery he rests
In privy hospital outside of town.
And he would fain this camp inspect today!
HOGAN
How sure art thou this man is Rommel?
SCHULTZ
Sooth,
There’s but one Desert Fox!
HOGAN
Aye, so I feared.
Schultz puts a newspaper on the table.
SCHULTZ
This paper will tell all. But come, macht schnell!
Outside in fifteen minutes! Mark it well! (Exit.)
As soon as Schultz is gone, the Heroes hurry to open the tunnel entrance. Exeunt.
Scene 7: In the tunnel, Kinch is already on the radio when Hogan and the other Heroes walk in.
KINCH
Oh, Colonel, I have London reached at last.
Stand by yet, Mama Bear; he cometh now.
NEWKIRK
Well, chaps, I do but hope that Crittendon
Our part doth not embellish overly.
CRITTENDON (on the radio)
Art there still, Goldilocks?
HOGAN
Indeed we are.
’Tis to my notice brought that we did ship
The wrong package with you last night. Over.
CRITTENDON
Oh, not at all, old man! It was a prize!
HOGAN
A prize or surprise?
CRITTENDON
Both, of course. You see,
Exchange we sought to make, but none we need,
For whom should we have kidnapped in the stead
Of Rommel but our own dear admiral!
’Twas not the plan, you know.
HOGAN
Oh, yes, I know.
CRITTENDON
Amazing ’tis that ever ye should know
That Admiral Toddly was in spital same
As Rommel! ’Tis superb! Good show, old bean.
Thou and thy chaps have done a splendid job.
HOGAN
Without you, sir, we could not so have done.
CRITTENDON
What, really? Well… there’s little I recall,
But in the heat of battle, that can be.
Ye were all such a help, though, I should fain
Work with ye once again. What sayest thou, friend?
Exit Carter, Newkirk, and LeBeau.
HOGAN
Your pardon, Mama Bear, but I do fear
The Germans jam our signal now. Farewell!
Hogan disconnects the radio; Kinch looks amused.
HOGAN
Though many dangers there may be in war,
The prisoner’s lot’s most perilous by far!
Exeunt.