Time
I've noticed very recently that there are some circumstances where I'm very focused on time. Sometimes to the point that I forget how fleeting a moment can be, and that sometimes those fleeting moments are the most important, valuable, and precious things in your life. It's hard to define how precious time is, and how often I can forget just how much it means to spend that time with someone. Why become bitter over time that could have been? Instead, cherish the time that is freely given to you. That is how I would ideally put things, anyways.
I'm a very screwed up and troubled person in many ways, and I know this. Sometimes though, I only start to realize just how screwed up and troubled I am after looking at things from an objective point of view, perspective, or a look at what's happening around me. Tonight I started to realize that rather than cherishing time spent with a specific amazing individual, I was becoming bitter over time that could have been. As I sit here typing this... I realize just how stupid I've been recently. I apologized, but I fear damage has already been done by my thoughtlessness.
Then I start to wonder... Why did I get like that? What happened? What issues tie into that kind of idiocy? It could be any number of things... Trust issues, which I know I have, paranoia, which I know I have... Possessiveness could also be tied into it... And a whole host of other things. And for all I know, they could all be mish-mashing the huge pit that I know consists of how fucked up I am in terms of my own self image. Yeah, that's right, I'm openly admitting that I generally don't think too highly of myself. I swear my own self image is like a sine wave or something. Sometimes I'm on top of the world... And then I'll hit some kind of low for some reason or another.
I've noticed what was going on though. And my lows have been coming less and less often... And they're not reaching as low as they used to. Which either means I'm making progress or I'm setting myself up for a nice huge fall. I'm guessing the former rather than the latter. It sounds so much better to me that I don't hit rock bottom and go lower than I used to.
And with knowing what was happening, and what I've been doing... I'm going to make changes. Forced changes. It won't be easy, but it's required to make myself more comfortable, and to make sure that amazing and wonderful woman in my life feels more comfortable. I've upset her recently, and I know she has a hard time opening up. She'll open up to me and tell me when I upset her soon, but until then I'll bring it up when I notice I've upset her, and try to help smooth the things I've roughed up lately.
I want to make right what I've wronged. I will do this. Give her the space she requires, and take some time to enjoy myself and take hold of some of the hobbies I've put aside lately. Also, time to pick my studying back up. It's time I stopped living like this, it's unhealthy for me emotionally and physically. I haven't been doing my usual stress reliefs. I haven't been doing a lot of the things I do that keep me going and running smoothly.
I've also noticed that when I start reaching one of those low points, I start looking at the negatives to everything in my life. I become a pessimist to the worst extent. It's not healthy for me, or for anyone I'm connected to. And the closer I am to the person, the more I voice things to them... Which can be extraordinarily frustrating to others who have to hear it all the time. I need to change my mood, so that I may change this awful pessimism.
I know what I have to do. And it's about time I started doing it. Thank you hun, you have helped me see this, and it was something I needed to see. You are amazing, and I've been the one in the wrong these last few days. I'm so sorry for how I've been acting. I love you beautiful, and I know you'll read this.
- Chris
I'm a very screwed up and troubled person in many ways, and I know this. Sometimes though, I only start to realize just how screwed up and troubled I am after looking at things from an objective point of view, perspective, or a look at what's happening around me. Tonight I started to realize that rather than cherishing time spent with a specific amazing individual, I was becoming bitter over time that could have been. As I sit here typing this... I realize just how stupid I've been recently. I apologized, but I fear damage has already been done by my thoughtlessness.
Then I start to wonder... Why did I get like that? What happened? What issues tie into that kind of idiocy? It could be any number of things... Trust issues, which I know I have, paranoia, which I know I have... Possessiveness could also be tied into it... And a whole host of other things. And for all I know, they could all be mish-mashing the huge pit that I know consists of how fucked up I am in terms of my own self image. Yeah, that's right, I'm openly admitting that I generally don't think too highly of myself. I swear my own self image is like a sine wave or something. Sometimes I'm on top of the world... And then I'll hit some kind of low for some reason or another.
I've noticed what was going on though. And my lows have been coming less and less often... And they're not reaching as low as they used to. Which either means I'm making progress or I'm setting myself up for a nice huge fall. I'm guessing the former rather than the latter. It sounds so much better to me that I don't hit rock bottom and go lower than I used to.
And with knowing what was happening, and what I've been doing... I'm going to make changes. Forced changes. It won't be easy, but it's required to make myself more comfortable, and to make sure that amazing and wonderful woman in my life feels more comfortable. I've upset her recently, and I know she has a hard time opening up. She'll open up to me and tell me when I upset her soon, but until then I'll bring it up when I notice I've upset her, and try to help smooth the things I've roughed up lately.
I want to make right what I've wronged. I will do this. Give her the space she requires, and take some time to enjoy myself and take hold of some of the hobbies I've put aside lately. Also, time to pick my studying back up. It's time I stopped living like this, it's unhealthy for me emotionally and physically. I haven't been doing my usual stress reliefs. I haven't been doing a lot of the things I do that keep me going and running smoothly.
I've also noticed that when I start reaching one of those low points, I start looking at the negatives to everything in my life. I become a pessimist to the worst extent. It's not healthy for me, or for anyone I'm connected to. And the closer I am to the person, the more I voice things to them... Which can be extraordinarily frustrating to others who have to hear it all the time. I need to change my mood, so that I may change this awful pessimism.
I know what I have to do. And it's about time I started doing it. Thank you hun, you have helped me see this, and it was something I needed to see. You are amazing, and I've been the one in the wrong these last few days. I'm so sorry for how I've been acting. I love you beautiful, and I know you'll read this.
- Chris