[Fic] You're not the one with all the problems, you're the one with all the pride.
Request fic for
trollopfop with the prompt "Alienation."
Sometimes he wonders if things would have been much easier if he hadn't completely alienated Torchwood. The more he considers what he wants, the more he realizes that the only people even slightly legitimate that could give it to him are the only people that he's managed to give probable cause to despise him. Crawling on his belly, begging for forgiveness, isn't something he's likely to do anyway, much less do when he knows there's a good chance that it won't do him a damn bit of good. He made his mistakes when it comes to Torchwood and he'll probably be paying for them until he either backslides or dies of ennui.
And yet, even where there's untrustwothy stares and the occasional physical representation of Sato's subconscious latching herself to his head and attempting to claw him to death, there's also Suzie. Suzie, who listens to him, even when he's not sure he ought to be talking so much. Suzie, who knows what it's like not to trust anyone and knows the benefits of being on no one's side but her own. Suzie, who understands what it's like to stand in the middle of Torchwood's moral superiority and be judged. And it's when his mind vanishes into that dark place, that he wonders why he needs them at all. Why Suzie needs them and her illusions of a noble captain, come to save her if he can and kill her if he has to. Why it can't be enough that she has him, and...
...And suddenly he's seven years old again, throwing a temper tantrum in Russian- the first time almost everyone in the entire boarding school had even heard him speak, much less scream- about why he wasn't good enough for his own father. Suddenly, he's eighteen and realizing that Irina's world doesn't revolve around him when he catches her reminiscing about the family she betrayed and left behind. Suddenly, he's remembering that rise of bile in the back of his throat every time Sydney Bristow looks at Michael Vaughn and just dismisses him like he never existed. Suddenly, he's back in that construction site, watching April and Thane's little dance and wanting to scream.
Suddenly, it's not about Torchwood or Suzie or any of them. It's about him and how he's utterly afraid of being left behind, like he's constantly teetering on the precipice of abandonment, just waiting for the moment where it all falls apart, one way or another. It's about being jealous of ghosts and people he has no reason to be jealous of. It's about being egocentric and unable to accept that the world doesn't revolve around him and that, eventually, this too shall pass and he'd best understand that or else he'll wind up alienating everyone.
And he can't alienate Suzie, after everything that's happened and may happen yet. He just... Can't.
Word Count: 474
trollopfop with the prompt "Alienation."
Sometimes he wonders if things would have been much easier if he hadn't completely alienated Torchwood. The more he considers what he wants, the more he realizes that the only people even slightly legitimate that could give it to him are the only people that he's managed to give probable cause to despise him. Crawling on his belly, begging for forgiveness, isn't something he's likely to do anyway, much less do when he knows there's a good chance that it won't do him a damn bit of good. He made his mistakes when it comes to Torchwood and he'll probably be paying for them until he either backslides or dies of ennui.
And yet, even where there's untrustwothy stares and the occasional physical representation of Sato's subconscious latching herself to his head and attempting to claw him to death, there's also Suzie. Suzie, who listens to him, even when he's not sure he ought to be talking so much. Suzie, who knows what it's like not to trust anyone and knows the benefits of being on no one's side but her own. Suzie, who understands what it's like to stand in the middle of Torchwood's moral superiority and be judged. And it's when his mind vanishes into that dark place, that he wonders why he needs them at all. Why Suzie needs them and her illusions of a noble captain, come to save her if he can and kill her if he has to. Why it can't be enough that she has him, and...
...And suddenly he's seven years old again, throwing a temper tantrum in Russian- the first time almost everyone in the entire boarding school had even heard him speak, much less scream- about why he wasn't good enough for his own father. Suddenly, he's eighteen and realizing that Irina's world doesn't revolve around him when he catches her reminiscing about the family she betrayed and left behind. Suddenly, he's remembering that rise of bile in the back of his throat every time Sydney Bristow looks at Michael Vaughn and just dismisses him like he never existed. Suddenly, he's back in that construction site, watching April and Thane's little dance and wanting to scream.
Suddenly, it's not about Torchwood or Suzie or any of them. It's about him and how he's utterly afraid of being left behind, like he's constantly teetering on the precipice of abandonment, just waiting for the moment where it all falls apart, one way or another. It's about being jealous of ghosts and people he has no reason to be jealous of. It's about being egocentric and unable to accept that the world doesn't revolve around him and that, eventually, this too shall pass and he'd best understand that or else he'll wind up alienating everyone.
And he can't alienate Suzie, after everything that's happened and may happen yet. He just... Can't.
Word Count: 474