never satisfied?
It's 1:11 am and I still can't go to sleep. Probably cause I haven't tried yet, and that I've only been up for about 12 hours or so.
What I'm going to write about I've been thinking about the past couple of days. Somehow this idea, this reason, has popped into my head, probably because school is half way over and my life is gonna change whether I'm ready for it or want it too.
What I've been thinking about kind of goes along the lines of what I'm planning on studying during college. It seems as if most people have some idea of what they want to learn and what they want to be when they are "grown up." I've never been able to settle on a choice. Since I was little, I've wanted to be a veternarian (till I found out a good school for that was A&M and I'm a UT girl so that wouldn't work out and the fact that I'm real squeamish), an architect (turns out I hated geometry, so there went that idea), and I've always been told to go into business/finance (my father is so jealous of his younger brother because of how well he is doing and wants the same for me, can't blame him right?).
But no plain old job sounds right for me. Not to say doing these things is boring or bad, if these complete other people then good for them. I'm just saying it's not for me. I can't be practical in that manner. I've been allowed to grow up thinking anything is possible, that my dreams can actually amount to something.
I want to act. I have to act. I don't even know if I'm decent at it. I just want to so bad. I want the attention. I want the life (not the starving kind, but successful kind). I want the adventure.
I didn't realize how much I want to try this path until a couple nights ago.
I had gotten home after seeing a movie and was thinking about how cool it would have been to be living back during the time it took place or to have those actions happen to me. That's when it hit me, and it hit me hard. That is why I act and why I want to so badly. When you act you put yourself in someone else's life, situation, story. You can go back in time or forward, to other places, be other people or animals or objects. It's a life different from your own. I want this so much it hurts. I can feel physical pain when I think of how much I want this.
Which got me thinking, do I want this because I'm unhappy with my own life?
I don't think I'm unhappy with my life. Maybe my situation, but I can't fully explain why I would be, I just think I am. And it may not come off as if I am. Maybe it's because I act like I'm fine. It's a complex situation.
I think I might actually be depressed. I've been having really weird, dark thoughts, out of no where lately. I don't even want to have them, I don't think they are healthy. I won't post what they are though, if you really want to talk to me about it, I'll probably tell you. I'm a really open person, which is why I find it weird I should be like this.
And maybe that's another reason I want to act. Because I think I'm a pretty open person, I don't think there is a whole lot to find out about me once you talk to me for a while. But then I start finding out all sorts of things I'd never expect from people I've known a long time and I wonder where my unknown traits are. Maybe I act to create those.
The cynical, practical, over-achieving side of me tells me that acting is a silly career. You won't get very far in life with that one. You're probably not very good. Won't make it on Broadway. Definitely not Hollywood. You're crazy to think you could break into this business. You're not skinny enough, you're not pretty enough, you don't have the right connections, you've started too late, you don't have enough time, you don't have any training, you don't have anything that makes you stand out- that makes you shine.
For feeling as if I have done something productive in my life (doing well at school and living my life as I pretty much choose) why do I feel incomplete? Why do I still want what I didn't, couldn't, would've never had?
Is that why I'm still searching for something different? Is it going to be better?
Someone show me a way to get outta here,
cause I constantly pray I'll get outta here
Please, won't somebody say I'll get outta here
Someone gimme my shot or I'll rot here
Show me how and I will, I'll get outta here
I'll start climbin' uphill and get outta here
Someone tell me I still could get outta here
Someone tell lady luck that I'm stuck here
Gee, it sure would be swell to get outta her
1:39 am, I guess I'll try sleep.
What I'm going to write about I've been thinking about the past couple of days. Somehow this idea, this reason, has popped into my head, probably because school is half way over and my life is gonna change whether I'm ready for it or want it too.
What I've been thinking about kind of goes along the lines of what I'm planning on studying during college. It seems as if most people have some idea of what they want to learn and what they want to be when they are "grown up." I've never been able to settle on a choice. Since I was little, I've wanted to be a veternarian (till I found out a good school for that was A&M and I'm a UT girl so that wouldn't work out and the fact that I'm real squeamish), an architect (turns out I hated geometry, so there went that idea), and I've always been told to go into business/finance (my father is so jealous of his younger brother because of how well he is doing and wants the same for me, can't blame him right?).
But no plain old job sounds right for me. Not to say doing these things is boring or bad, if these complete other people then good for them. I'm just saying it's not for me. I can't be practical in that manner. I've been allowed to grow up thinking anything is possible, that my dreams can actually amount to something.
I want to act. I have to act. I don't even know if I'm decent at it. I just want to so bad. I want the attention. I want the life (not the starving kind, but successful kind). I want the adventure.
I didn't realize how much I want to try this path until a couple nights ago.
I had gotten home after seeing a movie and was thinking about how cool it would have been to be living back during the time it took place or to have those actions happen to me. That's when it hit me, and it hit me hard. That is why I act and why I want to so badly. When you act you put yourself in someone else's life, situation, story. You can go back in time or forward, to other places, be other people or animals or objects. It's a life different from your own. I want this so much it hurts. I can feel physical pain when I think of how much I want this.
Which got me thinking, do I want this because I'm unhappy with my own life?
I don't think I'm unhappy with my life. Maybe my situation, but I can't fully explain why I would be, I just think I am. And it may not come off as if I am. Maybe it's because I act like I'm fine. It's a complex situation.
I think I might actually be depressed. I've been having really weird, dark thoughts, out of no where lately. I don't even want to have them, I don't think they are healthy. I won't post what they are though, if you really want to talk to me about it, I'll probably tell you. I'm a really open person, which is why I find it weird I should be like this.
And maybe that's another reason I want to act. Because I think I'm a pretty open person, I don't think there is a whole lot to find out about me once you talk to me for a while. But then I start finding out all sorts of things I'd never expect from people I've known a long time and I wonder where my unknown traits are. Maybe I act to create those.
The cynical, practical, over-achieving side of me tells me that acting is a silly career. You won't get very far in life with that one. You're probably not very good. Won't make it on Broadway. Definitely not Hollywood. You're crazy to think you could break into this business. You're not skinny enough, you're not pretty enough, you don't have the right connections, you've started too late, you don't have enough time, you don't have any training, you don't have anything that makes you stand out- that makes you shine.
For feeling as if I have done something productive in my life (doing well at school and living my life as I pretty much choose) why do I feel incomplete? Why do I still want what I didn't, couldn't, would've never had?
Is that why I'm still searching for something different? Is it going to be better?
Someone show me a way to get outta here,
cause I constantly pray I'll get outta here
Please, won't somebody say I'll get outta here
Someone gimme my shot or I'll rot here
Show me how and I will, I'll get outta here
I'll start climbin' uphill and get outta here
Someone tell me I still could get outta here
Someone tell lady luck that I'm stuck here
Gee, it sure would be swell to get outta her
1:39 am, I guess I'll try sleep.