My romantic slots are occupied.

[sariel_t]

Why can't guys understand when I tell them nicely to bugger off? According to many of my closer friends, it's because I'm too nice. I smile, I act nicely, I stay friends. Conflicting messages. I spose emotional maturity and desire for play don't go together very often. Nonetheless, it's more than slightly frustrating to continually be hit upon

Comments

Re: Speaking as a guy

[drwex]

Hoo rum. That's kind of a "how long is a piece of string" question, but I'll give it a go. Let's assume from the start that you want to retain the person in question as a friend; otherwise the simple answer is just cut them off entirely until they behave. (Note that a couple of very public examples of this can serve as object lessons to others, but I digress.)

Different people are different learner styles. And there's significant variation in emotional maturity and experience. Some people will respond to loud voices (e.g. "PLEASE don't do that. It makes me uncomfortable around you.") especially when used in public settings. Some people need a longer talk, maybe one-on-one over a cup of tea in a cafe somewhere.

All these people have learned their bad habits and rude behaviors over a long time. So you sort of have to expect it's going to take time for them to un-learn the bad things. If you feel the person is worth the investment of your time and energy then look at it as a teaching project - find the teachable moments and jump in. If someone behaves badly in this way toward you I wonder if maybe they behave badly in this way towards others?

Finally, remember that people do what they get rewarded for. Sometimes the reward is more of your time and attention, so you might need to cut that back. Be as honest as you can be. People in need of these kinds of clues very rarely do well with hints. Say "I'm sorry, I can't go to that movie with you but I'll see you at the party next weekend" or "I'm not comfortable sitting on the couch with you, but please do come hear me DJ." Calling out that it's the unwanted intimacy may help some people.

OK, one more note - you really need to decide that this is worth your time and energy. There's no obligation on you to teach people how to behave. Probably some unknown future girlfriend or boyfriend will thank you for it, but really you have to make sure that you're not getting sucked in against your will or better judgment.

Re: Speaking as a guy

[sariel_t]

Thank you. Really really.

Re: Speaking as a guy

[drwex]

Not a problem. You can always fire a gchat at me if you want more real-time discussion.

Re: Speaking as a guy

[nefarious_kinky]

I also have this problem, and I too thank you. Muchly.