Yeah holidays
So onward the holidays, time for fluffy white snow on the ground, a warm fire in the fireplace and a christmas tree that glows and makes that annoying buzzing sound of the motorized ornament were stanta endlessly drives around and around. My mother dispises that oranment especially on her perfect golden tree, but I always put it up cuz its tradition.
I guess the holidays have become bitter sweet for me, because this year marks the second in which I wont have my same tree that we've always had in the same place its always been since before I could remember. Divorce does that I suppose. Don't get me wrong, along with the fact that I've had that same tree in the same place since before I could remember, my parents have also hated eachother since before I could remember. So their split isnt a big travesty to me. But its the little things. The holidays especially. I get a little sad every time I see a christmas commercial, because for that brief second I think "I can't wait for Christmas, and the tree and its going to be so pretty and...." well thats about where it hits me. No tree, no lights, no fun wraping presents and looking at them for the better part of a month with their little ribons and bows. That was Christams, granted it was horribly disfunctional family Christmas. But it was Christmas to me, felt like home. Last year it didn't hit me as bad as it has this year. My mom trys, but shes really busy and can't spend the kind of time she used to decorating, or anything. Not to mention that she lives kinda far away so its not like I'd be there a lot. My dad lives at home, where I grew up. But it doesnt feel the same anymore. My room doesnt feel like its mine anymore and he doesnt care about the holidays. My grandma says that holidays were no big deal to them and that they only did it because it ment something to me. Sad thing is, it still means something to me. But its not the same.
I understand that life is change and that some day I'll have kids and a Christmas tree of my own. I know that nothing can stay the same, but why does it all have to change so suddenly. In a lot of ways it feel like the holidays as I knew them were just riped away left with nothing but a crappy winter day. There always used to be magic in Christmas for me, not the religion part, you all know me, but there was something about it that made me happy and no matter what was wrong you just look at that tree and your happy. dorky I know but still. Bombarded with holiday commercials and Christmas music, those little claymation movies and it somehow doesnt feel right to me, makes me sad really. I guess the memories are a little too fresh of how things used to be, but that doesnt make it suck any less.
I guess the holidays have become bitter sweet for me, because this year marks the second in which I wont have my same tree that we've always had in the same place its always been since before I could remember. Divorce does that I suppose. Don't get me wrong, along with the fact that I've had that same tree in the same place since before I could remember, my parents have also hated eachother since before I could remember. So their split isnt a big travesty to me. But its the little things. The holidays especially. I get a little sad every time I see a christmas commercial, because for that brief second I think "I can't wait for Christmas, and the tree and its going to be so pretty and...." well thats about where it hits me. No tree, no lights, no fun wraping presents and looking at them for the better part of a month with their little ribons and bows. That was Christams, granted it was horribly disfunctional family Christmas. But it was Christmas to me, felt like home. Last year it didn't hit me as bad as it has this year. My mom trys, but shes really busy and can't spend the kind of time she used to decorating, or anything. Not to mention that she lives kinda far away so its not like I'd be there a lot. My dad lives at home, where I grew up. But it doesnt feel the same anymore. My room doesnt feel like its mine anymore and he doesnt care about the holidays. My grandma says that holidays were no big deal to them and that they only did it because it ment something to me. Sad thing is, it still means something to me. But its not the same.
I understand that life is change and that some day I'll have kids and a Christmas tree of my own. I know that nothing can stay the same, but why does it all have to change so suddenly. In a lot of ways it feel like the holidays as I knew them were just riped away left with nothing but a crappy winter day. There always used to be magic in Christmas for me, not the religion part, you all know me, but there was something about it that made me happy and no matter what was wrong you just look at that tree and your happy. dorky I know but still. Bombarded with holiday commercials and Christmas music, those little claymation movies and it somehow doesnt feel right to me, makes me sad really. I guess the memories are a little too fresh of how things used to be, but that doesnt make it suck any less.